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Internet Oracularities #76

Goto:
76, 76-01, 76-02, 76-03, 76-04, 76-05, 76-06, 76-07, 76-08, 76-09, 76-10


Usenet Oracularities #76
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 9 Dec 89 18:15:58 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


76-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are matrixes good for?  ?Andy why is is it so funny to multiply
> them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, Andy, you have STUMPED THE ORACLE!!  Your prize
} package, consisting of one-half of the items received in payment for
} previous answers, will be delivered to you via US Snail.  Expect to see
} it, oh, sooner or later.  Once again, my heartiest congratulations!!
}
} (Let me remind all contestants that no question may be used twice in
} this contest.  Therefore, I ask you to add this question to your list of
} "questions without answers", this one should be #83.  If you don't have
} the list, it is available via ftp from oravax.cs.athens.edu.)


76-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where was you during the first two weeks in November and why didn't you
> get my other questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although the oracle is all-knowing he cannot always receive your
} messages due to line failures between here and your host.  Your messages
} were lost in the mail.
}
} I knew what your questions were but they have to be submitted to me by
} the strict protocol set up by my acolytes at iuvax.  This keeps me from
} having to answer EVERY question everyone has.  By being explicit by
} sending the mail, having it translated by the programs here, and having
} your question printed on 24lb bond paper on my laser printer (since I
} have trouble reading these blasted tiny screens) you are assured of an
} accurate and trouble-free response.
}
} Besides, those questions were given to underlings as they were fairly
} simple.
}
} Question #1:  "What do I do with gonads and what are they for."
}
} Answer #1:  "They are expressly for the propagation of species, use them
} to increase your local population, but only if you can support the
} offspring.  Any other activity would be immoral and costly to society as
} a whole."
}
} Question #2:  "Seriously, what is sex like?"
}
} Answer #2:  "There's a lot of sweating, grunting, cyclic movement, and
} then a bright light."
}
} Question #3:  "Can you be more specific?"
}
} Answer #3:  "Yes."
}
} So you should be happy now.  I abridged the protocol and answered you
} questions even though they were caught up and lost in a networking test
} at MIT.
}
} Have a nice day.
}
} This has been a recording.
}
} You owe the oracle a VSAT network.


76-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you've ever played hack (who hasn't?) you've noticed those nasty
> nymphs who keep teleporting aroound the dungeon, walking up to you and
> seducing you with their good looks, then robbing you blind and leaving
> you there, looking like a fool.
>
> A strange thing is that even if you've explicit told the computer your
> player is a woman (by setting the FEMALE flag), she still will be
> seduced by the nymphs.
>
> Does this mean that all female hack players are lesbians?  (Male nymphs
> sounds like a contradiction).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The nymphs ARE male, in the Monty Python sense.  They dress up as cute
} guys to seduce the women.  I think there was a movie about this once.  I
} believe your character has to be male, then set the CASTRATE flag, and
} the nymphs should leave you alone.


76-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How can I overcome my fear of Rosanne Barr?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You CAN'T!  SHE IS EVERYWHERE.  Rosanne Barr is the inverse of Lisa, our
} net.sex.goddess.  Rosanne Barr is our net.sexless.nogoddess.


76-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most Oracle-like and wise,
>
> Why is life confusing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life is not confusing, my child.  It comes with instructions.  Trust me,
} I and Mrs.  Oracle were playing Life just the other evening.  Oh, I
} admit, some of the squares are a tad silly, like 'buying a skunk farm,'
} but, hey, with Milton Bradleys money I suppose that he can put whatever
} he wishes in those squares.
}
} Don't tell Mrs.  Oracle, but I rigged the spinner so that I'm always a
} Doctor.


76-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do girls wear a *pair* of panties but only *one* bra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because most girls have two groins but only one breast.  How dumb can
} you get?


76-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is that which is not that which is not.


76-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which are the most important news groups?  I haven't got time to read
> all of them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} rec.misc
} rec.humor.d (all subjects "Usenet Oracle")
} rec.arts.sex
} rec.arts.picasso
} sci.sensuality
} sci.spacebar
} sci.oracle
} comp.sources
} comp.sys.iuvax
} rec.humor
} rec.humor.funny
} talk.bizarre
} talk.oracle.acolytes
} net.sex.goddess
} nj.pollution
}
} and our favorite
}
} rec.humor.oracle
}
} You owe the oracle a uucp clone.


76-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most revered of deities, I humbly ask for your guidance in my dilemma.
> My question is this:  How do I know if my question is worthy of your
> pondering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should, of course, ask a reliable source.  I am the most reliable
} source for this matter.  So, you should ask "Is the question `...' worth
} pondering?" Of course, this is not always a worthy question, so ...


76-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I lived my life over again, would I still be a neurotic anorexic
> ballet dancer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on the path you choose.  Perhaps you will have sex
} earlier in life next time and avoid the confidence problems that made
} you anorexic.
}
} Perhaps you will no longer feel the need for grace and precision and
} avoid taking ballet lessons.
}
} Perhaps you will never hear of the oracle and won't be neurotic!
}
} You owe the oracle an alternate reality.


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