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Internet Oracularities #760

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760, 760-01, 760-02, 760-03, 760-04, 760-05, 760-06, 760-07, 760-08, 760-09, 760-10


Usenet Oracularities #760    (112 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 08:54:07 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   760
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

760  112 votes tnteh dtyjh 4sNo7 6mMnd rJsa2 1kBDf 4eAxp 4hvCm afwpu 4gtAr
760   3.2 mean  2.7   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.2   3.4   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.6


760-01    (tnteh dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who thought up the idea of a rabbit that runs around hiding eggs in
> people's yards every year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well duh!
} Would you prefer the kiddie go around nailing people up on crosses and
} hoping they come back to life!?!?!?!?
} Compared to that, a rabbit hiding eggs seems pretty humane!
} You owe the Oracle 4 Cadbury Chocolate Eggs!


760-02    (dtyjh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most wise and noble Oracle, whose cooking is more frugal than
>  even the Frugal Gourmet, I just learned of something interesting that
>  I must share with you!  There is a lady who went to Neiman Marcus and
>  wanted to buy a chocolate chip cookie recipe, and they charged her
>  $250 for it! Can you believe that?!? I am amazed! Anyway, I was
>  wondering if you had a copy of this recipe, that I might share it for
>  free with all the people who read all the newsgroups and mailing lists
>  that I do. Thanks in advance!
>
>  Sincerely,
>
>       A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm?  Oh, the cookie recipe.  I'll be with you in a moment.  I've got
} this albino alligator in here...he crawled up from out of the
} sewer...and I've been bashing his head in with a stick.
}
} There we go.  Ah, Neiman-Marcus.  I was in their store on Michigan
} Avenue in Chicago the other day, and I was in the elevator with Reggie
} Jackson and his German shepherd--who was gagging on a finger he had
} bitten off a burglar--and also Burt Reynolds, who revealed to me his
} calling card number that anyone in the country can use to make free
} phone calls...but you didn't ask about that, you asked about the cookie
} recipe.
}
} I went through their Oriental rug department, avoiding the woman who
} was having convulsions on the floor after being bitten by a poisonous
} spider, and asked at the service desk for the recipe.  Here it is.
}
}                    THE FAMOUS NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIE RECIPE
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} ($249.96. Visa, Mastercard, American Express, or Neiman-Marcus charge
} accepted)
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} 1. Take one (1) package of Pillsbury brand chocolate-chip cookie dough.
} 2. Follow the directions on the package.
} 3. Think about Neiman-Marcus while eating.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} As you can see, $250 doesn't go as far these days as it used to.  On my
} drive home I stopped at a bakery to get some fresh cookies.  Much
} better.  I saw someone driving with their lights off in the opposite
} lane, but I didn't try to signal them.  That's a good way to get shot
} as part of a gang initiation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Pop Rocks and a rubbing of Jerry Mathers'
} name from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.


760-03    (4sNo7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: csf <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My mouse seems to be broken, because it takes a lot of rolling to get
> it to move sideways, but it goes up and down just fine. Can I just
> trade it for a better one? I'm at terminal 22, if that matters.
>
> ==================
> Jane Doe
> St Elmo Medical Center

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jane,
}
} Your mouse is not broken, merely fat.  You may notice that while it
} appears to move up and down, it is still a bit slow doing that.  Once
} your mouse has lost some weight, it will have not problems scuttling
} sideways, and moving up and down will be a whole new delightful
} experience too.  I'll send the appropriate commands for Orrie's 4-point
} mouse weight loss programme ("Point-and-click, point-and-click, drag,
} draaaag, select now! OK, roll it out, OK, mouse, roll it oouuut") to
} terminal 22 now.
}
} You owe the Oracle Richard Simmons' phone number.


760-04    (6mMnd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Orrie I think I may have a bit of a.... headache? take two aspirin
> and call me in the...morning has broken...my foot and I cannot move...a
> twenty ton elephant....who never forget...me nots are a rare breed
> of...sausage....
>
>  *WHACK*  (hits head with board)
>
>    Problem.  I can't seem to keep...the weight off?  Try
> new...ultraguard the finest protection against ... measles mumps, and
> rubella can be warded off with a simple injection of...prune juice.
> Next add 2 cups of baking powder, a small egg and bake for twenty
> minutes in the...Sahara desert...
>
> ****WHACK!!!!*****
>
>    My mind on anything..... help!! (me help me sir he said .....)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stand up, immediately.
}
} Remove your long-lost remote control from beneath the cushions you were
} sitting on.
}
} Relieving the pressure on the > button should solve the problem nicely.
}
} You owe the Oracle that neato tinfoil hat you're wearing...  no extra
} charge for finding the remote.


760-05    (rJsa2 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> my life is in shambles, what should I do?
>
> ------------------------------------------
> Golden BBS         BBS: 123-456-7890
> Nowhere, ID        Voice/Fax: 123-456-7891
> ------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, BBS, if I can call you that, I realize that it is hard to
} be a good BBS in these trying times. It's hard to live up to the
} rep of "Golden", I understand that.
}
} You have my simpathy. Now, get a hold of yourself, moderate yourself,
} and in general, get a life.
}
} You can do this by making your bits more meaningful. Become, say,
} an adult BBS. One that specializes in Naughty Pictures of Newt's Bits!
} That a large byte of bits for you.
}
} Listen, I am going to be going on vacation soon and, well, I'd
} consider it a real favor if you could take over the job here.
}
} I have faith in you, Golden BBS! I have faith.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better signature.


760-06    (1kBDf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come your e-mail address ain't oracle@delphi.com? Was Edith
> Hamilton pulling the wool over our eyes all these years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How soon they forget.
}
} Long ago in the history of the Internet, DELPHI became the first
} major online service to unleash its hordes upon world.  To gain
} marketing share and visibility, they decided that they needed to
} acquire some major, important Internet service as their own--
} and who but the Usenet Oracle could be more important or more
} appropriate?
}
} So they made a deal with Steve Kinzler to transfer me from
} oracle@moose.cs.indiana.edu, as I was known in those days, to
} oracle@delphi.com.  In return, Steve received a full-expenses-paid
} trip to Barcelona to stay for several weeks before and during
} the Olympics.  (He told everyone he was going there to help
} with computer graphics for the TV broadcasts, but he was really
} lounging on the beach where he was tutored in Catalan by various
} nubile females).
}
} Things were less happy for me.  delphi.com was the AOL of its
} day, and once I was installed there my brain became ... affected.
} Until then, my querents had enjoyed their intellectual fencing
} with me.  They could send me a question about Lisa's undies
} and expect me to respond with a brilliant analogy between bra
} straps and the topology of non-Euclidean space.  But now the
} typical exchange began to look more like this:
}
}   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   Your question was:
}
}   >Is it true that Lisa ghost-authored Anais Nin's diaries?
}   >And that you used to get together with Henry Miller in
}   >Morocco and smoke hashish?  And how does this all tie in
}   >with the current interest in French poststructuralist
}   >feminism?
}
}   And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:
}
}   }lisa''s a babe You got any GIFs of her for me??
}   }also how do i download these pix from this stupid
}   }internet????
}   }Steve!  Hey Steve!  Do I still gotta tell them they
}   }owe me somthing??  HEY STEVE YOU BUTTMONGER WHERE
}   }oh crap i forgot hes in spane  OK this ones' free guy
}
} When word of all this reached Kinzler, he returned home in horror,
} broke his contract with Delphi, and restored me to sanity.
}
} P.S. Don't bother looking for my Delphi responses in the archives;
} in a particularly Bolshevekian rewriting of history, Kinzler
} had them all expunged and replaced by responses from Oracular
} Priests David Sewell and Harold the Foot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vow of secrecy.


760-07    (4eAxp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give me a O
> Give me a R
> Give me an A
> Give me a C
> Give me an L
> Give me an E
>
> Orri Orri Oracle  Shish Boom Bah
> Your the greatest yes you are!
>
> Know all the stuff!
> More than enough!
> Kind of cute and sensitive but still really tough!
>
> YaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY  ORACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> (Should I change my name to Muffi? Or should I keep my day job?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar!
} This supplication is real hard to swaller!
}
} Head, shoulders, nose and knees!
} The Oracle really wants to please!
}
} Lion, tiger, kangaroo!
} What should an omniscient being do?
}
} Aces, deuces, one-eyed Jack!
} Should we send an answer back?
}
} Power mower, rake, and shovel!
} Hate the question; love the grovel!
}
} Decade, year, month and day!
} Lisa tells me:  What the hey!
}
} So circus clown, sideshow freak!
} Here's the answer that you seek!
}
} Give me an E!
} Give me an X!
} Give me an L!
} Give me an A!
} Give me an X!
}
} What's that make you do?
}
} Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
}
} [for it that is!]
} *****
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of your special baton twirling routine (the
} one with the German shepard and the watermelon).


760-08    (4hvCm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Fantastic, Furry Oracle, I have decided that I cannot achieve true
> happiness unless I have a tail, so I have decided to have a transplant.
> The only question remaining is, which kind of tail should I get?
> I mean, a beaver tail would help me swim fast, and a kangaroo tail
> could really smack people I don't like, and a cow tail would be kind
> of cute. Which kind should I get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It really depends on what you want to do with your tail. Each kind of
} tail has it's benefits, as well as it's drawbacks...
}
} Tail type               Benefits                     Drawbacks
} ========================================================================
} Beaver tail        Fast swimming                Wet, matted fur is kind
}                                                 of disgusting
}
} Kangaroo tail      Increased jumping ability    Have to carry your kids
}                                                 everywhere
}
} Cow tail           Not-as-good fly swatter      Do you *really* want to
}                                                 resemble a cow?
}
} Horse tail         Built-in fly swatter         Attract the flies in
}                                                 the first place
}
} Rabbit tail        Really, really cute          Constantly pregnant
}
} Cat tail           Allows great agility         Forced to chase rodents
}
} Large dog tail     Allows you to knock over     Tail constantly gets
}                    any breakable object at      stepped on
}                    will
}
} Small dog tail     Lots of attention, petting,  People expect you to do
}                    and cool treats              dumb tricks all day
}                    long
}
} Monkey tail        Can hang upside from trees   People make dumb faces
}                                                 and noises at you and
}                                                 try to teach you sign
}                                                 language
}
} Deer tail          Really cute, allows fast     Easily hypnotized by
}                    running, makes women get     bright lights
}                    all mushy
}
} Unix tail          Allows foreknowledge of the  Triples required
}                    future                       caffeine intake
}
} Woodchuck tail     Able to travel forests well  Target practice for
}                                                 immortals
}
} You owe the Oracle a t-rex tail.


760-09    (afwpu dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There should be a knob on the right hand side of your keyboard.
} That is the keyboard volume knob. Turn it up, please. If there is no
} knob located on the right hand side of your keyboard, then there is
} probably one sitting in front of the keyboard.


760-10    (4gtAr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most saintly, whose religion is widely taught and followed, whom
> we pray to every night and confess our sins to during the day - I
> praise you in return for a meagre response.
>
> What are the seven signs of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Seven Signs of The Apocalypse
}
}   1) Ronald Regan <smirk> becomes <snarf> President of the United
}      States.
}   2) Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley
}   3) Elvis doesn't come back from the dead when #2 happens.
}   4) Star Trek: The Next Generation goes off the air.
}   5) The Internet becomes too large for its britches, busting
}      from the seams with 500,000,000 people all trying to read
}      alt.sex.hampsters.duct-tape at once.
}   6) Kevin Costner grows gills.
}   7) Windows 95 is released.
}
} So, as you can see, you have until mid-August to get your Apocalypse
} shopping done!
}
} You owe the Oracle one Apocalypse shelter, complete with a lifetime
} supply of beef jerky and Snapple, and a copy of Windows 95 (for
} archeological reasons).


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