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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who thought up the idea of a rabbit that runs around hiding eggs in > people's yards every year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well duh! } Would you prefer the kiddie go around nailing people up on crosses and } hoping they come back to life!?!?!?!? } Compared to that, a rabbit hiding eggs seems pretty humane! } You owe the Oracle 4 Cadbury Chocolate Eggs!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most wise and noble Oracle, whose cooking is more frugal than >  even the Frugal Gourmet, I just learned of something interesting that >  I must share with you!  There is a lady who went to Neiman Marcus and >  wanted to buy a chocolate chip cookie recipe, and they charged her >  $250 for it! Can you believe that?!? I am amazed! Anyway, I was >  wondering if you had a copy of this recipe, that I might share it for >  free with all the people who read all the newsgroups and mailing lists >  that I do. Thanks in advance! > >  Sincerely, > >       A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm?  Oh, the cookie recipe.  I'll be with you in a moment.  I've got } this albino alligator in here...he crawled up from out of the } sewer...and I've been bashing his head in with a stick. } } There we go.  Ah, Neiman-Marcus.  I was in their store on Michigan } Avenue in Chicago the other day, and I was in the elevator with Reggie } Jackson and his German shepherd--who was gagging on a finger he had } bitten off a burglar--and also Burt Reynolds, who revealed to me his } calling card number that anyone in the country can use to make free } phone calls...but you didn't ask about that, you asked about the cookie } recipe. } } I went through their Oriental rug department, avoiding the woman who } was having convulsions on the floor after being bitten by a poisonous } spider, and asked at the service desk for the recipe.  Here it is. } }                    THE FAMOUS NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIE RECIPE } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } ($249.96. Visa, Mastercard, American Express, or Neiman-Marcus charge } accepted) } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } 1. Take one (1) package of Pillsbury brand chocolate-chip cookie dough. } 2. Follow the directions on the package. } 3. Think about Neiman-Marcus while eating. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } As you can see, $250 doesn't go as far these days as it used to.  On my } drive home I stopped at a bakery to get some fresh cookies.  Much } better.  I saw someone driving with their lights off in the opposite } lane, but I didn't try to signal them.  That's a good way to get shot } as part of a gang initiation. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Pop Rocks and a rubbing of Jerry Mathers' } name from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My mouse seems to be broken, because it takes a lot of rolling to get > it to move sideways, but it goes up and down just fine. Can I just > trade it for a better one? I'm at terminal 22, if that matters. > > ================== > Jane Doe > St Elmo Medical Center

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jane, } } Your mouse is not broken, merely fat.  You may notice that while it } appears to move up and down, it is still a bit slow doing that.  Once } your mouse has lost some weight, it will have not problems scuttling } sideways, and moving up and down will be a whole new delightful } experience too.  I'll send the appropriate commands for Orrie's 4-point } mouse weight loss programme ("Point-and-click, point-and-click, drag, } draaaag, select now! OK, roll it out, OK, mouse, roll it oouuut") to } terminal 22 now. } } You owe the Oracle Richard Simmons' phone number.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Orrie I think I may have a bit of a.... headache? take two aspirin > and call me in the...morning has broken...my foot and I cannot move...a > twenty ton elephant....who never forget...me nots are a rare breed > of...sausage.... > >  *WHACK*  (hits head with board) > >    Problem.  I can't seem to keep...the weight off?  Try > new...ultraguard the finest protection against ... measles mumps, and > rubella can be warded off with a simple injection of...prune juice. > Next add 2 cups of baking powder, a small egg and bake for twenty > minutes in the...Sahara desert... > > ****WHACK!!!!***** > >    My mind on anything..... help!! (me help me sir he said .....)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stand up, immediately. } } Remove your long-lost remote control from beneath the cushions you were } sitting on. } } Relieving the pressure on the > button should solve the problem nicely. } } You owe the Oracle that neato tinfoil hat you're wearing...  no extra } charge for finding the remote.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> my life is in shambles, what should I do? > > ------------------------------------------ > Golden BBS         BBS: 123-456-7890 > Nowhere, ID        Voice/Fax: 123-456-7891 > ------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, BBS, if I can call you that, I realize that it is hard to } be a good BBS in these trying times. It's hard to live up to the } rep of "Golden", I understand that. } } You have my simpathy. Now, get a hold of yourself, moderate yourself, } and in general, get a life. } } You can do this by making your bits more meaningful. Become, say, } an adult BBS. One that specializes in Naughty Pictures of Newt's Bits! } That a large byte of bits for you. } } Listen, I am going to be going on vacation soon and, well, I'd } consider it a real favor if you could take over the job here. } } I have faith in you, Golden BBS! I have faith. } } You owe the Oracle a better signature.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come your e-mail address ain't oracle@delphi.com? Was Edith > Hamilton pulling the wool over our eyes all these years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How soon they forget. } } Long ago in the history of the Internet, DELPHI became the first } major online service to unleash its hordes upon world.  To gain } marketing share and visibility, they decided that they needed to } acquire some major, important Internet service as their own-- } and who but the Usenet Oracle could be more important or more } appropriate? } } So they made a deal with Steve Kinzler to transfer me from } oracle@moose.cs.indiana.edu, as I was known in those days, to } oracle@delphi.com.  In return, Steve received a full-expenses-paid } trip to Barcelona to stay for several weeks before and during } the Olympics.  (He told everyone he was going there to help } with computer graphics for the TV broadcasts, but he was really } lounging on the beach where he was tutored in Catalan by various } nubile females). } } Things were less happy for me.  delphi.com was the AOL of its } day, and once I was installed there my brain became ... affected. } Until then, my querents had enjoyed their intellectual fencing } with me.  They could send me a question about Lisa's undies } and expect me to respond with a brilliant analogy between bra } straps and the topology of non-Euclidean space.  But now the } typical exchange began to look more like this: } }   The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }   Your question was: } }   >Is it true that Lisa ghost-authored Anais Nin's diaries? }   >And that you used to get together with Henry Miller in }   >Morocco and smoke hashish?  And how does this all tie in }   >with the current interest in French poststructuralist }   >feminism? } }   And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle: } }   }lisa''s a babe You got any GIFs of her for me?? }   }also how do i download these pix from this stupid }   }internet???? }   }Steve!  Hey Steve!  Do I still gotta tell them they }   }owe me somthing??  HEY STEVE YOU BUTTMONGER WHERE }   }oh crap i forgot hes in spane  OK this ones' free guy } } When word of all this reached Kinzler, he returned home in horror, } broke his contract with Delphi, and restored me to sanity. } } P.S. Don't bother looking for my Delphi responses in the archives; } in a particularly Bolshevekian rewriting of history, Kinzler } had them all expunged and replaced by responses from Oracular } Priests David Sewell and Harold the Foot. } } You owe the Oracle a vow of secrecy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give me a O > Give me a R > Give me an A > Give me a C > Give me an L > Give me an E > > Orri Orri Oracle  Shish Boom Bah > Your the greatest yes you are! > > Know all the stuff! > More than enough! > Kind of cute and sensitive but still really tough! > > YaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY  ORACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > (Should I change my name to Muffi? Or should I keep my day job?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar! } This supplication is real hard to swaller! } } Head, shoulders, nose and knees! } The Oracle really wants to please! } } Lion, tiger, kangaroo! } What should an omniscient being do? } } Aces, deuces, one-eyed Jack! } Should we send an answer back? } } Power mower, rake, and shovel! } Hate the question; love the grovel! } } Decade, year, month and day! } Lisa tells me:  What the hey! } } So circus clown, sideshow freak! } Here's the answer that you seek! } } Give me an E! } Give me an X! } Give me an L! } Give me an A! } Give me an X! } } What's that make you do? } } Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! } } [for it that is!] } ***** } } You owe the Oracle a video of your special baton twirling routine (the } one with the German shepard and the watermelon).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Fantastic, Furry Oracle, I have decided that I cannot achieve true > happiness unless I have a tail, so I have decided to have a transplant. > The only question remaining is, which kind of tail should I get? > I mean, a beaver tail would help me swim fast, and a kangaroo tail > could really smack people I don't like, and a cow tail would be kind > of cute. Which kind should I get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It really depends on what you want to do with your tail. Each kind of } tail has it's benefits, as well as it's drawbacks... } } Tail type               Benefits                     Drawbacks } ======================================================================== } Beaver tail        Fast swimming                Wet, matted fur is kind }                                                 of disgusting } } Kangaroo tail      Increased jumping ability    Have to carry your kids }                                                 everywhere } } Cow tail           Not-as-good fly swatter      Do you *really* want to }                                                 resemble a cow? } } Horse tail         Built-in fly swatter         Attract the flies in }                                                 the first place } } Rabbit tail        Really, really cute          Constantly pregnant } } Cat tail           Allows great agility         Forced to chase rodents } } Large dog tail     Allows you to knock over     Tail constantly gets }                    any breakable object at      stepped on }                    will } } Small dog tail     Lots of attention, petting,  People expect you to do }                    and cool treats              dumb tricks all day }                    long } } Monkey tail        Can hang upside from trees   People make dumb faces }                                                 and noises at you and }                                                 try to teach you sign }                                                 language } } Deer tail          Really cute, allows fast     Easily hypnotized by }                    running, makes women get     bright lights }                    all mushy } } Unix tail          Allows foreknowledge of the  Triples required }                    future                       caffeine intake } } Woodchuck tail     Able to travel forests well  Target practice for }                                                 immortals } } You owe the Oracle a t-rex tail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There should be a knob on the right hand side of your keyboard. } That is the keyboard volume knob. Turn it up, please. If there is no } knob located on the right hand side of your keyboard, then there is } probably one sitting in front of the keyboard.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most saintly, whose religion is widely taught and followed, whom > we pray to every night and confess our sins to during the day - I > praise you in return for a meagre response. > > What are the seven signs of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Seven Signs of The Apocalypse } }   1) Ronald Regan <smirk> becomes <snarf> President of the United }      States. }   2) Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley }   3) Elvis doesn't come back from the dead when #2 happens. }   4) Star Trek: The Next Generation goes off the air. }   5) The Internet becomes too large for its britches, busting }      from the seams with 500,000,000 people all trying to read }      alt.sex.hampsters.duct-tape at once. }   6) Kevin Costner grows gills. }   7) Windows 95 is released. } } So, as you can see, you have until mid-August to get your Apocalypse } shopping done! } } You owe the Oracle one Apocalypse shelter, complete with a lifetime } supply of beef jerky and Snapple, and a copy of Windows 95 (for } archeological reasons).