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Internet Oracularities #761

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761, 761-01, 761-02, 761-03, 761-04, 761-05, 761-06, 761-07, 761-08, 761-09, 761-10


Usenet Oracularities #761    (102 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 1995 14:22:56 -0500

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   761
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761  102 votes cmCo6 6mDpa cvsq5 bqCi9 6swpb jrql9 6fAwd 9qosf 7ryoa csvq5
761   3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.1   2.7   3.3   3.1   3.0   2.8


761-01    (cmCo6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, cute and short, how can I unsubscribe from a.s.d?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute & short?  I'm sorry, that's not much of a compliment.  However,
} since you are obviously suffering from diode addiction, I'm willing to
} cut you some slack just this once.
}
} Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the supplicant we see here is so
} pathetically addicted that he can't even bring himself unsubscribe from
} his favorite newsgroup, alt.sex.diodes.  By this point, many of you are
} wondering what sexual attraction diodes could possibly have.  Well, all
} I have to say is, you've never been an electronics technician deprived
} of any social contact with women (unless you count having the checker
} at 7-11 ring up your order and give you your change).  Under these
} circumstances, even the most unlikely objects can become fetishistic
} manifestations of lust.  Diodes in particular are very popular, due to
} their portability and low cost.  Also, while being used, they provide
} an element of safety by not allowing electrical current to flow in the
} wrong direction.
}
} By this time, surely your heart has gone out to this poor supplicant
} and all the others afflicted with diode addiction.  "But what can *I*
} do to help?" you ask.  The best cure is simple:  feminine compaionship.
} If you are a companionable female who would be interested in helping
} out diode-addicts, or you know one, please send email to the Diodes
} Anonymous help line at help@da.org.
}
} [This Oracularity was a Public Service Announcement from the Senator
} Exon Committee to Get Rid of Unusual Things]


761-02    (6mDpa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who could take on the entire Justice League of America and
> the Scooby-Doo gang combined and still win....
>
> Superman had no side-kick. Batman did. Spiderman had no side-kick.
> The Lone Ranger did. Is a super-hero really "super" if he needs a
> side-kick to hang around with him?  Also I can't think of one female
> who had a side-kick. Or for that matter one side-kick that was female.
> What have I stumbled upon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have stumbled upon two truths:
}
} (1) Superheroes with side-kicks are those with more-or-less
} normal movement abilities.  Superman flies, Spiderman swings from web
} lines, the Silver Surfer does his thing - all of these methods of
} travel are not conducive to teamwork.  Batman drives a car and runs
} around like most folk, the Lone Ranger rides a horse and runs around
} like most folk, Aquaman swims and runs around like most folk - these
} methods of travel are conducive to teamwork.
}
} (2) The "teamwork" mentioned above is a team of two.  Superheroes
} with side-kicks, or the side-kicks, are male because two person
} teamwork is a very male institution.  The female equivalent would be a
} small crowd of heroines, who run into the restroom to have their
} important discussions read about their adventures.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Lasso of Truth.


761-03    (cvsq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, the best Doggy Doo that can be, I'd like to know:
>
> Where did X-Files come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING, OFFICE 2011>
}
} <Agent Mulder is at his desk, working on the computer which *might* be
} a Mac or IBM. Not sure which.>
}
} Scully : Mulder?
} Mulder : Scully!
} Scully : Mulder?
} Mulder : Scully!
} Scully : Uh, okay, it's a one hour show, so let's cut this
}   "Mulder? Scully!" stuff, okay?
} Mulder : I'm sorry, Scully. It's just that Samantha's gone, you know,
}   and....
} Scully : Yeah yeah. You called me at 11:21 last night. What's
}   up? Not those green aliens with banana-shaped laser guns again?
} Mulder : My.... informant has informed me of a strange sighting of a
}   strange creature in a strange forest north-east of Carolina last
}   night.
} Scully : Oh? Must be a magnetic force field generated by cosmic
}   micro-waves refracted from the nitrogenated atmosphere of Venus
}   during....
} Mulder : It's an alien, okay?
} Scully : <sigh!>
} Mulder : Anyway, the locals call it the "Youssnette Orakle".
} Scully : You did what?
} Mulder : What?
} Scully : Never mind.
} Smoking man : Your time is over. And you leave with nothing.
} Scully <pointing at SM> : Where did he come from?
} Mulder : Oh never mind him. Although the smoke is a bit annoying.
} Scully : Anyway, what were you saying about this Yousnette Orakle?
} Mulder : I said it's an alien. It's all powerful, it knows the
}   meaning of life, the universe and everything!
} Scully : So do I. It's 42.
} Mulder : No, no, you don't understand. It even knows where The
}   X-Files came from!
} Scully : Judging from the weirdness of this show, I wonder
}   that sometimes. So what's the answer?
} Mulder : They're lying!
} Scully <confused> : What? Who's lying?
} Mulder : It's a cover-up. I know it. The FBI. CIA. LAPD. IBM.
}   Microsoft. They're all in on it.
} Scully : In on *what*? A weird science fiction show on Fox?
} Mulder : Did you see that???!!!
} Scully : What now?!
} Mulder : A UFO flew past your face, did a loop-the-loop, and
}   crash landed on my Playboy magazines!
} Scully : Oh dear.... that's too bad, Mulder.
} Mulder : Now some little green men are running into my packet
}   of sunflower seeds!
} Scully : Oh.... I think I need to lie down for a while....
} Mulder : Anyhoo. This Yousnette Orakle character. We've got to find him.
} Scully <confused> : But why? Can't you investigate bank fraud
}   and hacking crimes like other FBI agents?
} Mulder : Yes. But then this would become LA Law, not The X-Files.
} Scully : Hmmm, maybe I should work on Melrose Place. Or even seaQuest.
} Mulder : That talking dolphin is part of Purity Control, Schull.
}   We've gotto find it!
} Scully : Here we go....
}
} You owe the Oracle another question. I'd love to tell you
} about Earth 2....


761-04    (bqCi9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Dr. Supplicant,
}
} Our panel has discussed your doctoral thesis on the existence of
} life and the meaning of it all for quite some time, and although
} the board stood generally divided, an end vote in your favor allows
} us to announce you as a true, offical doctor of philosophy.  You
} have our congradulations.
}                                       --Dr. Joseph Plank
}
} You owe the Oracle one copy of your real thesis.


761-05    (6swpb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who knows the orbit of every moon around every planet
> around every star in every galaxy, please satisfy my curiosity...
>
> When will we humans achieve space travel (beyond our solar system), and
> under what circumstances will it occur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O feeble human, you cannot hurl crap at the sky and call it
} a space program.  And all the dung on earth could not release
} you and yours from the Milky Way -- we've made sure of that.
}
} Sure, your little "orbiteer" projects are cute -- all bright
} and shiny like an infant's first toy -- but they hold little
} hope for the day when you must abandon your planet. Suddenly.
} Without warning.
}
} The Americans are most amusing.  They search the land for one
} man with special incompetence. Then they elect him to be
} Vice-President, place NASA in a brown paper bag on his doorstep,
} set NASA on fire, ring the doorbell and run away. Then they
} laugh hysterically as Mr. Vice-President makes a mess trying
} to extinguish the flames with vaseline-covered lips and a puddle
} of drool. The Russians?  They drown their solar sorrows in vodka
} while waiting for translated reruns of "Gilligan's Island".
} A pathetic lot.
}
} No, the deities agree that the South American Peccary, the
} Poison-arrow Dart Frog and the Atlantic Whelk all have a better
} chance of leaving the solar system (alive) than the bipedal
} hominids known as Homo sapiens.
}
} Unfortunately for you, your best chance for solar system
} exploration was a brilliant woman named Dr. Seripha Pravinzia
} of Naples, Italy.  She would have discovered a method for
} recycling oxygen -- using a blow dryer, a SPAM key, and an
} unstable uranium isotope -- had her entire Pompeiian ancestral
} line not been wiped out by Mount Vesuvius in 79 A.D. Bloody shame.
}
} Do not fret. Though the powers who control your destiny do not
} want you to leave  the solar system (alive), know that we will
} never forget your species contributions in the area of rude
} noises and randy expletives.
}
} The Oracle, incarnated as Jasper Sailfin, asks that you not call
} after 10:00PM on weeknights, or refer to him as "that Welsh Tart",
} as payment for his wisdom.


761-06    (jrql9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle of greatness, I know you were an English Lit major in
> college (since you _still_ don't have a useful job), so tell me the
> answer to the one question that's been pestering me, and I will do
> anything you ask.  Here it is:
>
> Why *does* the caged bird sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because his birdie dish is full of hemp seed.


761-07    (6fAwd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and groovy Oracle, please hear my lament...
>
> Tis the night before blocks and all through the house
> No electronics are stirring, not even my mouse.
> The Biochem test that's scheduled tomorrow
> Has filled up my evening with tension and sorrow.
>
> I've no time for AFU, alt.sex, or flamers,
> No time for woodchucks, or AOL LaMeRZ.
> Just Henderson-Hasselbach! Watson and Crick!
> Enzyme Kinetics! No rec.humor schtick.
>
> I can't check out the Web due to DNA-ligase,
> Can't read MAKE MONEY FAST!!! to see how much it pays.
> I'm stuck with the books and there's no end in sight.
> So tell me O Oracle, what did I miss tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} My Oracular heart goes out to thee,
} No USENET, no MUDs, no IRCs for you,
} Stuck home studying biochemistry.
} For a breather here's a brief review:
}
} On alt dot sex dot binaries dot pics:
} Hugh Grant whoring in his luxury car.
} You're so jaded that it didn't make you sick?
} Have some naughty pictures of Rosanne Barr.
}
} On the hacking newsgroups there is a feud
} Between AOL and Netcom dot com,
} Forged posts and email slow the net like glue,
} Pull the plugs sysops, to your senses come!
}
} The communications deceny act has
} Anarchists and pornographers together
} Forming civil groups with roots of grass
} With a cry of:  "Watch out for big brother!"
}
} Perhaps dear student, I suggest with a smile
} Instead of the net try real life for a while.
}
} To the Oracle you owe only one thing that matters:
} Bill Gates' head, chocolate-dipped on a platter.


761-08    (9qosf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why i can't e-mail my brother

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this truly should be in the Oracle's Frequently Unanswered
} Questions (you spell it out) so _I_, THE Oracle, shall now finally
} answer it.
}
} Anyone who has a LISOWIF (Live In Significant Other Who Is Female) has
} been exposed to the first critical step in e-mailing your brother.
}
} Ever notice what your LISOWIF says when she puts on a fancy new dress?
} She turns around, exposing her bare back, and says "Can you zip me up
} please?"
}
} Therefore, the first step to e-mailing your brother is to have him put
} on a nice evening dress.
}
} From there, you must run your e-mail package. (We'll assume it's a
} Windows system)
}
} Have your brother climb through your bedroom window (preferably in his
} newly zipped dress).
}
} So now you have a zipped brother in windows.  You now need to pull up
} your e-mail application.   Double-click on the appropriate icon.
}
} Now he needs to be loaded.  If you work rapidly, a six-pack of Coors
} Artic Ice ought to do it.
}
} So now you are running your e-mail program with your zipped brother
} loaded in windows.
}
} At this point the e-mail software should automatically form all
} "attachments" for your brother (the computer should preferably
} be sexually attracted to your brother to wish to get "attached".
} If that brother-to-computer attraction isn't there, then
} you may need to UUENCODE him yourself to include him in your mail,
} but that's beyond the scope of this response, as I've never UUENCODED
} a brother before).
}
} Now, to send him your software should say "Enter adress" which you have
} already had your brother do (see, we're way ahead of the program
} here...)
}
} then just press the "send" button.
}
} Voila!  Not so bad, was it?
}
} Unfortunately, unzipping your brother, removing him from windows and
} opening him up into Word will require a second request.
}
} You owe the oracle two Star Trek transporters, and 25 push-ups.


761-09    (7ryoa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear and dearest Oracle,
>
> Once I was a supplicant, dumb and happy.
> I frolicked in the fields with the woodchucks, and my mind was as
> empty as the meaning of my life; but my heart was full of bliss.
>
> Then I became an Incarnation, and my life changed.
> I was expected to spell correctly and say funny things.
> The responsibility that devolved upon me as your earthly
> representative was heavy indeed, but I bore up and struggled on.
>
> Hard as it was to be an Incarnation, it was harder still to deal
> with having only my mediocre answers chosen for the Digest, and all
> my best ones rejected.
>
> When I became a Priest, I seized my chance to show the other
> Priests how things *should* be done -- I rejected all the bad ones
> and chose the best, and soon my Average was 4.82!
>
> Then I got an email from Kinzler saying that some guy in Nebraska
> laughed so hard he fell off his chair and bruised his butt and was
> suing.
>
> Darkmage wrote and whinged that I was making him look bad, and would
> I please stop selecting so well. Gabungmeister was less polite, and
> I had to put asbestos paper in the printer in order to get a hard
> copy of csf7's letter. Another Priest warned me to just say Noe, and
> Harold the Foot told me he'd give me the boot if I didn't stop.
>
> I bowed to peer pressure, and ever since I have been conscientiously
> rejecting the best, and passing on only the average ones.
>
> Oracle, great Oracle whose imperatives are categorical,
> I feel guilty. What can you say to ease my conscience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have talent; now you must learn diplomacy, which is the art of
} making someone follow you and think he's leading.  You have the
} genius to rule the priesthood; but you must look within yourself for
} the courage.  A leader must stay ahead of his followers, yet remain
} always within sight.  So continue to reject the best, but occasionally
} let one through, and select not the average but the just-a-little-bit-
} above-average.  If you negotiate and compromise instead of either
} fighting or knuckling under, little by little you can raise their
} standards, and in the end accomplish far more than you could by
} radically opposing them.  Keep this strategy in mind each time you
} have to choose the mediocre over the excellent, keep your eyes on the
} prize as you betray every principle you believe in, and you'll have
} a clear conscience when you face your firing squad.
}
} You owe the Oracle the autographs of Jan Hus, John Brown, Leon Trotsky,
} and Abolhassan Banisadr.


761-10    (csvq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is a Squid eating dough in a polyurathene bag really bulbous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Alas, the last squid-eating dough (calamarichompis quickrisen)
}      was spotted off the coast of Madagasgar in late 1989, and the
}      species may have gone the way of the Do-Do, the Passenger Pigeon,
}      and the Qualified Candidate for President of the United States.
}      There have been previous periods in which no sightings were made
}      (e.g.,1963-1966), presumably because the tremendously overbaked c.
}      quickrisen schools retreated to less accessable environments. So
}      some hopes are still held out for a reappearance. Stranger things
}      have happened... just look at Nixon.
}
}         In any case, the most recent population collapse is presumed to
}      be a direct result of the introduction of drycleaning
}      establishments in third, fourth, and fifth world countries, and
}      the concomitant increase in twist-ties, fictitious "NO STARCH"
}      tags, and polyurethene bags in the offal of these establishments.
}      Thousands of c. quickrisen corpses washed ashore all along the
}      eastern coast of Africa, trapped inside discarded drycleaning bags
}      ironically emblazoned with the words "WARNING: suffocation
}      hazard", throughout the mid-1980's.
}
}          Although hundreds of researchers flocked to the region,
}      gathering data and proposing solutions (e.g., reading classes so
}      the c. quickrisen would realize the bags were dangerous), none
}      recorded information on bulbousity. However, I -- being
}      all-knowing and what-not, know the answer.
}
}         And I will gladly provide it to you for a proper grovel and a
}      hovercraft full of eels.
}
}         You also owe the Oracle a little more respect.


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