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Internet Oracularities #762

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762, 762-01, 762-02, 762-03, 762-04, 762-05, 762-06, 762-07, 762-08, 762-09, 762-10


Usenet Oracularities #762    (103 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:39 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   762
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

762  103 votes 9vss7 5dnCo kpojf 7nuxa bhvnl 4kBwa oumj8 dlBlb cxyk4 jtqfe
762   3.0 mean  2.9   3.6   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.2   2.6   3.0   2.7   2.8


762-01    (9vss7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh most omniscient Oracle, who is mightier than Batman, the Riddler,
>   the Penguin, the Joker, Two-Face and Alfred put together, tell me...
>   why does Batman like Chase Meridien better when she doesn't even have
>   half the style Catwoman does??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because she doesn't compete for royalties in the action-figure toy
} market.


762-02    (5dnCo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most divinely masterful genius, God of the skies, the
> oceans, the seagulls, and most forms of "gourmet" cooking, I have
> searched long and far for an answer to my question, and none yet
> have succeeded in giving me a response I can trust, and so I come
> to you, upon bended knee.  Oh Oracle, should I try to get a driver's
> license?  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just take a peek at the possible futures and find out.
}
} Case A:  (The supplicant applies for a driver's license)
}
}    You pass your written test with flying colors.  You are now sitting
}    behind the wheel of your father's car.  (You and I both know you
}    can't afford your own car, yet).  You are taking the road exam.  A
}    Department of Motor Vehicles official, equipped with clipboard and
}    scowl, sits beside you.  You are carefully driving at the posted
}    speed limit when you suffer a muscle spasm in your right calf.  The
}    gas pedal hits the floor, and the car immediately careens out of
}    control.  Sailing through a red light at 75 MPH, you strike and kill
}    a pedestrian before finally recovering control of the vehicle.  A
}    month later, at your trial, you are convicted of manslaughter and
}    sentenced to 5 years in prison.
}
} Case B:  (The supplicant never applies for a driver's license)
}
}    You are walking down the street, as you frequently are, since you
}    don't drive.  You reach the corner, wait for the traffic signal,
}    and proceed into the intersection.  Suddenly, you hear a loud engine
}    roar to your left.  You turn your head just in time to see a car
}    bearing down on you at high speed.  The car hits you.  You don't
}    survive.
}
} You should definitely try to get a driver's license.


762-03    (kpojf dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How often can you make a girl orgasm in one night?  (The sweet young
> thing beside me asks!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to your question, one must first consider that making a
} girl orgasm is a very different (and far more complicated) task than
} making a boy orgasm.  First, you must gather the required ingredients:
}
} The larynx of an emu on acid which was killed by a giant chipmunk.
} The heart of a small child (preferably in a jar).
} The liver of a two-headed humanoid which died after drinking three Pan-
}     Galactic Gargle Blasters.
} The brain of an artificially intelligent robot which NASA created three
}     months ago, but which it is not planning to declassify for at least
}     another three years.*
} The spleen of any convenient protozoan.
} The spine of a Hooloovoo.
} 3 hamsters.
} 5 rolls of duct tape.
} Ten pairs of those really annoying fuzzy dice.
} A printout of the entire traffic of the USENET from one day (or, if
}     this cannot be obtained, a printout of the traffic from comp.*
}     should work nearly as well).
}
} You will also need some equipment:
} 1 "Big Bob's Economy Size Cloning Machine and Incubator."
} A large pot.
} A very large, very loud drum.
}
} Now that you have everything you need, the following steps must be
} performed:
} 1.  Dump everything, except for the fuzzy dice, into the pot, and carry
}     it to the top of the nearest convenient hill.  (Be sure to dump the
}     heart out of its jar -- many perfectly good girl orgasms are
}     screwed up when this is forgotten.)
} 2.  (This step is what actually creates the girl orgasm, and can only
}     be performed by an insecure, male virgin (you should be able to do
}     it easily).)  Beat the drum in a slow, steady rhythm, while
}     chanting, as loudly as possible (in fact, yell more than chant) "I
}     am NOT a virgin! I am NOT a virgin!  I am NOT a virgin!"
} 3.  Continue step two until midnight during a full moon, or the police
}     arrest you for disturbing the peace.
} 4.  Go back, and retrieve the pot.
} 5.  Place the small, tribble-like thing in the pot in Big Bob's Economy
}     Size Cloning Machine and Incubator for ten to fifteen minutes, or
}     until golden brown.
} 6.  Your little girl orgasm should now be wandering around, generally
}     making a nuisance of itself, making messes on the furniture, and so
}     forth.
} 7.  For the first three days, feed it a pair of fuzzy dice three times
}     a day.  After three days, it will be ready to eat its natural food,
}     Deveels, so be sure you have a steady supply on hand.
}
} You should be able to create about three girl orgasms, on a good night,
} if you have everything you need already laid out.
}
} You owe the Oracle Big Bob's Economy Size Cloning Machine and
} Incubator, three hamsters, five rolls of Duct tape, and ten good
} grovels.
}
} * Those at NASA who actually know about this robot, which has an IQ of
}   approxamately 300, will prevent all of NASA's funding from
}   disappearing in the next ten years.  It will, however, fail, and in
}   the year 2010 the world will be taken over be invading aliens from
}   Betelguese. Fortunately for Earth, Betelgueseans are kind beings, and
}   will actually raise human civilization up about five levels before
}   enslaving the population.


762-04    (7nuxa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I've just seen "The Net" with the delectable Sandra Bullock,
> and now I have these strange nightmares that the government's after me!
> What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just take deep breaths and relax.  "The Net" was a work of fiction.
} The U.S. Government is certainly not spying on you or anyone else.
} Your activities, both on the net and otherwise, are your business and
} your business alone.  You can be assured of this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Sandra Bullock.
}
} --
} CLINT L. HUNTER, Special Agent, Computer-Based Intelligence
} Federal Bureau of Investigations, Washington, D.C.
} <e-mail: c-hunter@hoover.fbi.gov>


762-05    (bhvnl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, surfer of the net since its earliest days, please
> help me.  I read in Time Magazine that 83% of the information sent over
> the net is pornographic or sexually explicit.  Yet, despite this
> abundance, I can never find anything sexually explicit.  What I am
> doing wrong?  How should I change my tactics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surf naked.


762-06    (4kBwa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@inetnebr.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does tomato soup always spill on white T-shirts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the same reason a slice of buttered toast lands butter side down.
} In fact, a buttered anything lands butter side down.  You could butter
} the backside of a cat, and drop it, and it would land on its back
} instead of its feet.  Then it would rub the butter off on your pants
} leg, hiss at you, and go sharpen its claws on your sofa.  The fact is,
} the natural world has a vendetta against you.  Pigeons deliberately
} aim at your head when they poop, after months of painstaking research,
} the termites have decided that it's your house they're going to invade,
} and all your white t-shirts might as well be holding open their arms
} in a welcome embrace when the tomato soup goes flying.  Eventually
} nature will win, and you will die.  And the damn cat will probably
} dig up your gravesite.  Better get rid of the cat now. That's my
} advice.
}
} You owe the oracle a stain stick.


762-07    (oumj8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <*sniff*> I... I <*sniff*> fell off <*sniff*> bike and... <*sniff*> and
> I got <*sniff*> owwie! <*sniff*> <*sniff*> Make it better? <*sniff*>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   As the Oracle reads the words of the whining, grovelless, babyish,
} supplicant, he sees the mother run out of the house and go to her
} child...
}
} Mother:
}    Oh no! <Faint>  My little darling...are YOU ALL RIGHT????!!!!!
} Speak to me!  <wild sobbing>  It is all my fault. I should never have
} let you ride your bike without wearing a full body suit and some armor.
} <Sniff>  Will you ever forgive me?
}
} <Snork>  _______MY____GOD_____!!!!!!!!   YOU ARE
} ___*****BLEEDING*****_____!!  <Faints again> I <sniff> am <wail>
} going <snork> to <drip> have <snnnnnniiiiiiifffff> to take ... <hic>
} ....you <breath> to <cry> the <5 full minutes of wild hysterical
} crying> hospital!  They <sob> will make you all better.
}
} <All of a sudden a huge fish falls out of the sky and begins to swim
} in the large pool of tears that has formed.  A certain Oracle cheers
} wildly as the fish (which happens to be a pyranna) gobbles up the
} tearful pair!> As the fish finishes it's meal, it rolls over to bask
} in the sun.  On its belly are printed the words: "To Johnny and his
} mom from T.U.O. *ZOT*"


762-08    (dlBlb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT ARE OPS AND WHERE DO YOU GET THEM

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OPS or rather O.P.S is the
}
} Oracular
} Presence
} Sensation
}
} Ths particular ailment is found amongst Users of the Internet.
} It is a virus which seems to be most potent around the Newsgroups
} rec.humor.oracle.*
}
} The Virus is transmitted over EMail as a result of Mail Enzymes called
} Tell me's and Ask me's. The symptoms of the Virus are as follows....
}
} 1) A Strange Compulsion to have sex with anyone named Lisa
} 2) An Inexplicable hate for small furry creatures.
} 3) The Belief that typing the word ZOT irradicate a human being from
}    existence.
} 4) The belief that you are immortal and anything you say is absolutely
}    correct.
}
} In its more advanced stages victims are known as PRIESTS
}
} Presence
} Reaching
} Its
} Enviable
} Sensual
} Telepathy
} Stage
}
} The advanced stages are
}
} 1) All 4 early symptoms
} 2) The belief your sense of humo(u)r is funny
} 3) The belief you have a direct line to God
} 4) You believe you have a GIF file of Lisa with No clothes on.
}
} Priests seem to enjoy Net popularity however eventually the final stage
} arrives the symptoms of this final stage the FURR Stage
}
} Frequently
} Urinating
} Recursive
} Reasoning
}
} 1) You belive your first name is Joel
} 2) You fall in love with Lemurs and forget about Lisa completely
} 3) Your belief in your sense of humour disappears and you realise you
}    are not funny
} 4) You are despised by all the OPS and PRIESTS on the Net
}
} You owe the Oracle the Promise not to shout at him againa and that
} in future you will give me the Proper respect and the promise that
} one day he will reach the Digest


762-09    (cxyk4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you're slipping! I asked this question, and the response I got
> was a blank letter with no comment whatsoever! Let's try again! Riddle
> me this- Tell me the best way to brown nose with my boss and score
> points but give the appearance that I don't brown nose and haven't even
> thought of scoring points? This is a difficult task at hand, and
> requires advisement from your plethora of Oraculary knowledge.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll need chloral hydrate, a rubber hose, a turkey baster and a copy
} of Newt Gingrich's "How to Keep Making Friends with Enemas."
}
} You owe the Oracle the last two ounces of your self-esteem.


762-10    (jtqfe dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, sage of greatest ability,
> Who put the "Backwards" in "Backwards compatability?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please hold into a mirror:
}
} .sdrawkcab gnitirw sih ffo lla etorw eh esuaceb ,icniV iD odranoeL
} yltenifed si "ytilibatapmoC sdrawkcaB" ni "sdrawkcab" eht tup ohw
} nosrep ehT
}
}  - Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.


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