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Internet Oracularities #763

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763, 763-01, 763-02, 763-03, 763-04, 763-05, 763-06, 763-07, 763-08, 763-09, 763-10


Usenet Oracularities #763    (113 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 08:33:37 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   763
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

763  113 votes 6npFi 5uLla 4pRp6 3psur 8lCyc 7bvyu 2gxIi 4hwCm 3kuBn 7gtvu
763   3.4 mean  3.4   3.0   3.0   3.5   3.2   3.6   3.5   3.5   3.5   3.5


763-01    (6npFi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Mighty and Magnificent Oracle whose genitalia make the Empire
>      State building look positively miniscule. Please tell me thy
>      humble Supplicant.
>
>      Is it really what you do with it that counts and not the size?
>
>      Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely.  The Empire State Building, while certainly no longer
} anywhere near the largest building in the world, is still visited
} by millions yearly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a condom the size of the Hindenburg.


763-02    (5uLla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you please, please, please answer my question O large One :
>
> Is it true that there are arctic bears walking in the streets of Norway
> eating a tourist every now and then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, indeed, indeed I shall answer your question.
}
} Having toured various Norwegian localities such as Narvik, Hammerfest,
} Alta, Tromso, Skibotn and Skimuchundraidengland I can attest that there
} is no problem with Polar bears eating large amounts of tourists.
}
} Firstly, they are quite finnicky eaters and will only pick at tourists.
} The large amount of cholestorol contained in most foreign burger
} eating tourists tends to give them upset stomaches if they eat
} take-away more than once a week.  They much prefer the healthy, lean
} locals.  Even then, they usually will stop eating when disturbed (they
} are very self concious).
}
} Second, Polar bears are not known for binge eating and other eating
} disorders. Allthough there have been a few known cases of Polar bears
} subsisting entirely on tourists, they are very much in the minority and
} are the subject to various self-help groups where they are encouraged
} to talk openly about their eating habits.  On the whole, most polar
} bears prefer seal or walrus.
}
} Finally, Polar bears generally only come to town on week-nights, when
} there are fewer tourists.  They particularly dislike talking to
} strangers who don't punctuate their vowels correctly (such as v and d).
} They also dislike the strong purchasing power most tourists have, as
} it's driven up the price of pickled herring fillets to the extent
} that they have to catch and prepare their own.  That's why you never
} see Polar bears in Nord Kapp on a Saturday night.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tarry longship and a tankard of mead.


763-03    (4pRp6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i get into the World Web Web using Pipeline.  I can't find the
> way. I have an address but I can't figure out where to put it. thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is unfortunate that you have to access the Internet using an oil
} pipeline, but hey, that's the price you pay for living in Alaska.  Here
} is the entire procedure:
}
}   1)  Take a normal business-sized envelope.
}
}   2)  Write the URL you would like to view on a piece of paper; place
}       this paper inside the envelope and seal the envelope.
}
}   3)  Write the address you have on the front of the envelope.
}
}   4)  Affix the proper postage to the envelope.  (The Post Office will
}       not deliver without proper postage.)  Normally, the cost is 32
}       cents. However, for a small extra fee you can have your letter
}       delivered certified and return receipt requested.  (Though the
}       fee is small, it's not really worth it unless your need to access
}       this URL is exceptionally critical.)
}
}   5)  Take you letter to the nearest open end of the Alaskan Pipeline
}       and put it in.
}
}   6)  Soon, a helpful Postal Worker (re-hired after being "let go" from
}       Exxon following the Exxon Valdeze debacle) will remove your
}       letter and place it on its way.
}
}   7)  Within 5 to 10 business days, you will receive a hard-copy
}       printout of the page whose URL you requested.  You will receive
}       an addendum sheet listing the URL's of any links appearing on
}       this page.  You may request to view one or more of these links by
}       repeating this procedure. (Please, only one URL per envelope.)
}
} I hope you enjoy your experience with "WWW by Mail".  There is no
} charge for this service, but you owe the Oracle a 300 baud PPP link.


763-04    (3psur dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle, how's it going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It keeps going, and going, and going.....
}
}      \\
}       @ _
}      /%(_)
}    *&&&D
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of Energizer batteries,
} and an appreciation of miniature ASCII art.


763-05    (8lCyc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, strong, powerful, wise, and immortal, whose existnace
> trancends all time and space, whose knowledge permeates all, answer
> me this:
>
> Scientists have discovered what the universe was like in the first
> few moments of time.  Prey tell me, what was it like BEFORE the
> universe began?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before that, there was the Iverse.  Some mad bomber guy named God
} gave everybody 10 minutes to leave and exploded it.  Before anybody
} could complain, he told them that he was in charge, and that what
} was left (the Un-iverse) was better, and that anybody who didn't
} like it could go to Hell.  A lot did.  I couldn't tell you exactly
} what the Iverse was like and how much nicer it was than the Universe,
} because I'd have a lot of explaining to do to -- oh, excuse me, the
} phone is ringing.


763-06    (7bvyu dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [sniff] ...err 'scuse me y' Lordship sir, yor 'ighness. Pardon me
> fer takin' the liberty to bover you, like, at this hour, your
> Worshipfullness. But 'see it's about my master, Lord William of
> Redmond (p'raps you know him as "God" - leastways, that 'ow 'e likes
> to be called). Any'ow, 'ees bin actin' right queer-like lately.Orf
> 'is bloomin' rocker if you ask me - ...err not that *you* would
> ask *me* or anythin, yor supremeness, sir [tugs forelock]. 'E seems
> to be obsessed wiv some kind of bloomin' insect.  U'm tellin' ya -
> that butlers pantry is as spotless as the day it was carved out of
> the solid bedrock by college graduates wiv toofpicks. And 'is temper!
> U'm gettin sick of bringin' 'im the 'ed of some poor sod on a plate -
> who d'ya think 'as to get the blood out of the carpet?
>
> Any'ow, yor judgeship, sir [tugs forelock], yor Worship. I 'ave this
> offer to buttle for the Earl of Gerstener. 'E says I'll 'av shorter
> hours by doing more jobs at the same time. But 'ow can I leave Lord
> Bill in such a terrible predicament, and 'im so young an' all?
>
> ..err, sorry 'bout the bloodstains y'Lordship sir. I'll wipe 'em wiv
> me 'ankie... [retreats crouching, tugging forelock]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not sure that he quite understands your dilemma.  After
} all, there must be:
}
}     50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR BUTLER
}
} 1.   Bash him in the head, Fred.
} 2.   Drown him in spam, Sam.
} 3.   Nuke his nuts, Klutz.
} 4.   Drown him in grapefruit juice, Bruce.
} 5.   Electrocute his CD-ROM, Tom.
} 6.   Incite an angry mob, Bob.
} 7.   Garrote his pelvis, Elvis.
} 8.   Make your day, Ray.
} 9.   Tickle him silly, Billy.
} 10.  Defenestrate his sister, Mister.
} 11.  Zot him in the tool shed, Ed.
} 12.  Plastique should do the trick, Dick.
} 13.  Phasers set on "Destroy", Leroy.
} 14.  Lose him in a cave, Dave.
} 15.  Ben-Gay in his jock, Rock.
} 16.  Hand him the radio when he's wet, Brett.
} 17.  A chainsaw would come in handy, Randy.
} 18.  Make him to listen to 17 straight hours of Marie and Donny, Ronny.
} 19.  Target practice for the bomb, John.
} 20.  Ear muffs with an ice pick, Rick.
} 21.  Do-it-yourself Hari-Kari, Larry.
} 22.  A copper umbrella in a thunderstorm, Norm.
} 23.  Harpoon him in the booty, Rudy.
} 24.  Force him to eat anchovies or starve, Harve.
} 25.  Introduce his heart to a stake, Jake.
} 26.  Tie his tongue to a motor boat in the bay, Jay.
} 27.  Strychnine in oysters on the half shell, Del.
} 28.  Drop a 16-ton weight on his toe, Joe.
} 29.  Back up his post-nasal drip, Chip.
} 30.  Chop off his hand, Stan.
} 31.  Ambush him in the park, Mark.
} 32.  Grow pirrhanas as a hobby, Robbie.
} 33.  Turn him into a stiff, Cliff.
} 34.  Tin cans have a sharp rim, Tim.
} 35.  Castrate him like I did, Sid.
} 36.  A curse from an angry witch, Mitch.
} 37.  Arsenic comes in pill, Will.
} 38.  Have him show a rabid iguana who's boss, Ross.
} 39.  Jam his fingers in La Machine, Gene.
} 40.  Boil his parakeet in a stew, Lou.
} 41.  Hand him a box of killer bees and leave, Steve.
} 42.  Lock a wildebeast with him in the garage, Rog.
} 43.  Aim a bazooka at his leg, Greg.
} 44.  Push him in a gorge, George.
} 45.  Give him a lot of guilt, Milt.
} 46.  Muriatic acid in his fermented barley, Charlie.
} 47.  Tabasco sauce in his shirt, Bert.
} 48.  Put him in a baggie til he turns blue, Hugh.
} 49.  A noose from a limb, Jim.
} 50.  Just get yourself free, Lee.
}
} Let the Oracle know how it turns out, ok?


763-07    (2gxIi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gentle oracle, here I am down on my knees humbly
> begging for a few drops of your immense wisdom. please tell me why is
> the O. J. Simpson trial taking so long? I can't stand it any more.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, the Oracle couldn't take any more of it several
} months ago, so unfortunately the Oracle has no idea of why it is
} still going on.  Let's just tune in ...
}
} Defense lawyer:  So sir, you would say that the absence of the 1.2
}                  allele marker on this radiograph marked 30312(c) is
}                  not necessarily definitively inconclusive as to
}                  the presence or absence of the defendant's alleged
}                  DNA in this prosecution sample marked 218-B?  Your
}                  own laboratory notes would suggest otherwise, sir!
}
} Witness:         Ah ... could you rephrase that more clearly?
}
} Defense lawyer:  Move that the witness's answer be ruled unresponsive.
}
} Judge Ito:       Objections, counsel for the prosecution?
}
} Prosecution:     Your honor, there is clear precedent under British
}                  common law.  In Blackstone's commentaries, in 1523
}                  it was held that the mere act of responding "Duh"
}                  in court was not necessarily prima facie evidence
}                  of hostility on the witness's part.  Indeed, we can
}                  introduce several hundred pages of evidence to
}                  support this position, if Your Honor will grant
}                  a short recess of three days for preparation ...
}
} Hmm, everything seems to be proceeding apace.  No, I can't quite
} understand why things are taking so long.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of "Blackstone's Big Book of Obfuscation."


763-08    (4hwCm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and powerful oracle, whose medical knowledge outshines any
> mortal man, whose knowledge pales even the great Osler, and whose
> consultation fees are ever so reasonable : please, take pity upon the
> puny mortal who lies before your feet, and answer the following
> question:
>
> My patient is a 30 y/o cauccasian female, presenting with a complaint
> of galactorrhea.  PMHx indicates Tx for schizoaffective disorder, using
> Risperidal 5mg BID, which handles all positive and negative symptoms.
> Schizoaffective disorder is disabling, making withdrawl of Risperdal
> impractical.  Physical exam confirms galactorrhea.  SMAC indicates
> elevated prolactin levels.
>
> Should I perform a CT to R/O pituitary adenoma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, tricky.
}
} The first diagnosis must be a throughough analysis of formalised
} actuarial, statistical minimalisation and fiscal arrangements.
} Has the potential patient been exhibiting behavious such as the
} regular disbursement of fiscal entitlements to ameliorative bodies?
} If not, you may find that an emergency removal of assetts may result
} in affluence deprivation on the part of the practitioner due to the
} mis-diagnosis of the patient's fiscal status.
}
} Secondly, you must assess the litigative state of the potential
} plaintiff and any genetically interdependant estate.  Failure to do
} this can result in severe social trauma and potential status failure,
} not to mention the possiblility of practitioner incareration and the
} extraction of large lump-sums.  Patient inactivation is preferable to
} incapacitation as many studies have shown a strong corelation between
} patient litigation and biological activity status.
}
} Only then should you consider the CT to R/O pituitary adenoma.
}
} You owe the Oracle a housecall and a BMW.


763-09    (3kuBn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose personal menagerie far outshines that
> held by that weirdo Michael Jackson, please tell me:
>
> It is said that a kangaroo can not move its hind legs independently of
> each other except of course for the Tree Kangaroo.  Is this limitation
> physical, neurological or is it due to a lack of mental processing
> capability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Biblical times, the kangaroo was renowed for its knitting.
} Unfortunately, the balls of yarn, needles, etc. would fall out of their
} otherwise excellent pouches, due to their side-to-side motion as they
} walked.  The King Kangaroo prayed to on high, saying "Oh Lord, can you
} not save us from our plight, you who sent St. Patrick to lead the
} snakes from Ireland?"  The Lord was touched by the kangaroo's simple
} request, and sent one of his saints to lay hands upon the kangaroos.
} With this miracle, all the kangaroos began to move about in a way that
} kept their pouches from tipping side-to-side.  This act of God allowed
} the kangaroo to move only by hopping with both legs simultaneously.
}
} While kangaroos gradually lost the ability to knit, you still hear, to
} this very day, about St. Peter and the Purl-y Gait.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good use for the rotten vegetables being thrown
} towards cs.indiana.edu right now...


763-10    (7gtvu dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O!  All-Wise and Omnibenevolent Oracle!
>
> I understand You are divine, and God is divine,
> and there are other divine and semi-diving entities.
> Please give me a chart of the hierarchies of divine beings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             Me
}
}                              |
}                              |
}
}                             You


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