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Internet Oracularities #764

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764, 764-01, 764-02, 764-03, 764-04, 764-05, 764-06, 764-07, 764-08, 764-09, 764-10


Usenet Oracularities #764    (105 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 1995 08:39:16 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   764
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

764  105 votes aeony fzzd7 ilyo8 4iwxi 8nysc 5kFw7 dvwl8 ciJo6 alHo7 kdomq
764   3.1 mean  3.5   2.6   2.8   3.4   3.1   3.2   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.2


764-01    (aeony dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle!  May the Oracle reign supreme in the new world order
> as he turns water into wine, UseNet posts into wisdom and email flames
> into poetry. Please look down upon this most humble supplicant, oh
> exhalted Oracle, and answer this question:
>
> I have this really good idea for a chain of Woodchuck Burger
> restaurants and Occularity Malls.  The question is, I was wondering
> just how I should go about with regard to things like PR and
> advertising?
>
> P.S.  One of the features of our 'chuck burgers is that they are flame
> grilled.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a brilliant idea! I'm glad I inspired you to think of it!
}
} Just imagine...
}
} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.
} Your order was:
}
} > Hi. I'd like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry.
}
} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:
}
} } ZOT!
} } You forgot the grovel!
}
} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.
} Your order was:
}
} > Oh, mighty McWoodchuck King employee, whose nametag is so very
} > straightly attached to his shirt, please fulfil this humble order:
} >
} > I would like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry.
}
} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:
}
} } Argh! You're the fifth person in a row to order that combination!
} } Can't you show a little bit of creativity???
} } ZOT!
}
} The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply.
} Your order was:
}
} > Great and powerful McWoodchuck King employee, for whom the soda
} > fountain always dispenses precisely the right quantity of beverage,
} > your humble supplicant makes this request:
} >
} > Please give me a two-headed squirrel burger, a medium chocolate
} > shake, and a side order of onion rings.
}
} And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee:
}
} } Is that for here or to go?


764-02    (fzzd7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Usenet Oracle, who alone knows the mind of a woman, and
> usually her body as well, I beg thee settle an acrimonious dispute I
> have with my colleague. He thinks our secretary is in her early
> thirties, whereas I think she is getting on for forty. Which of us (if
> either) is right? As you know, a fair sum of money now rides on the
> outcome.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to call off the bet
} this time.  You're both equally right.  Today is her 35th
} birthday.
}
} You owe your secretary a bunch of flowers and a free lunch.


764-03    (ilyo8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am standing in a room with four doors, a coil of rope, three broken
> bottles, a knife and a sword.  I am carrying a pamphlet and a wooden
> box.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Look up
}
}   You look at Up who is standing beside you.  He smiles and waves,
}   happy to get the attention.
}
} > Put bottles in box.
}
}   Nice of you to clean up after yourself.
}
} > Pick up sword
}
}   Sword blinks her lashes seductively, and caresses you.  She
}   obviously likes being picked up.
}
} > Take knife
}
}   You are now holding the knife.
}   A small mouse enters the room, and starts gnawing on Up's toe.
}
} > Hit Up with knife.
}
}   Up is now lying dead on the floor.
}
} > Look up.
}
}   You look down to see the mangled body of Up lying on the floor.
}
} > Eat up.
}
}   Points: 5/25  Very good.  You realize that up is indeed made of
}   cheese.  You scare the mouse away and tuck in.
}
}   You are no longer hungry, but your mouth is covered in Up.
}
} > North
}
}   You are too dirty to move.
}
} > Move.
}
}   You don't want to embarrass yourself by showing your dirty face in
}   public.
}
} > Exit room
}
}   You catch a glimpse of yourself on your knife and are paralyzed with
}   fear. You have a cheese moustache.
}
} > Rub face on sleeve.
}
}   What kind of a barbarian are you?
}
} > Rub face on pamphlet.
}
}   Your face is now clean.  The pamphlet was destroyed in the attempt.
}
} > Put sword in box.
}
}   Sword got a little upset at being put in the box with the broken
}   bottles.
}
} > Look up.
}
}   You look up to see a large bat descend on your small skull.
}   The voice of your Sword shrieks against the bat to no avail.
}   You are now dead.
}
}   Your score is 5/1123  which gives you the rank of:
}
}       POND SCUM
}
} You owe me the latest version of Zork.


764-04    (4iwxi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so, please, what is the story?
>  ___________________________________________________________________
>  A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
>  Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
>  detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
>  interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
>  what it costs.
>
>  "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
>  thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
>
>  "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
>  rat."
>
>  The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
>  bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
>  store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
>  behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
>  faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come
>  out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
>  hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
>  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
>  rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
>  Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
>  at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
>
>  No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
>  now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
>  rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
>  long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light
>  post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
>  Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.  Pulling his
>  legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
>  the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
>  where they drown.
>
>  Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
>
>  "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
>
>  "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
>  lawyer."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three million years ago, before Humankind, before warm-blooded mammals,
} even before VMS, there was a great civilization of rats. The rats,
} barely different from the rats you see today, built the greatest of
} machines, so great in complexity as to awe alien observers.
}   But the great explorer Indiana Jones, propelled by a plot hole in
} Deep Space Nine, came upon the civilization and stole its greatest
} idol, a perfect bronze representation of the average, working rat,
} and escaped back to your time.
}   Without its reminder of their roots, the rat civilization fell into
} ruin and civil war. Orbital mass drivers wiped their greatest cities
} into dust; climatic changes forced the species back millions of years
} to the lowly rat you see in your pantry.
}   But in their racial memory, every rat remembers the bronze rat and
} the theft that robbed them of their rightful place in the universe,
} and it drives them into a killing frenzy.
}   This is why there are no bronze lawyers with identical powers; there
} never was (nor will there be) a great civilization of lawyers.
}
}   The Oracle was incarnated as Milhous, and you owe him bronze
} figurines of Pinky and The Brain.


764-05    (8nysc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spring is green, winter is white,
> Fall is orange, summer is bright,
> The Oracle knows with all his second sight...
>
> Name a famous person whos first name is 5 letters and can
> be typed with the right hand on the keyboard and whos
> last name is 6 letters and can be typed with the left hand on the
> keyboard

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Billy Carter.
}
} (You didn't say I couldn't move my hands out of the home position.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a loophole.


764-06    (5kFw7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ell me, o wise oracle. What ever shall i get my girlfriend for her
> birthday? She's very special to me, and her birthday will almost mark
> the 2 Month milestone... ideas?
>                                         desparately in love
>                                                 Pete

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If she's very special to you, Pete, she's very special to me, too.  So
} I want her to have the very best.  That is, of course, me.  Give me her
} home address, and make yourself scarce tomorrow night.  I'll make sure
} she...
}
} What?  Oh, nothing, Lisa.  Just another boring question from another
} boring supplicant.  Tomorrow night?  Sure, I'm free.  I'd love to.
}
} Sorry for the interruption, Pete.  I'd recommend a box of chocolates.
} Hide the key to her new car under the one with the cherry in it.
}
} The Oracle has spoken (in a whisper, thank goodness).


764-07    (dvwl8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose benevolence is dispensed in economy 12-packs, I'm
> involved in a love-hate relationship. I love the way Pop-Tarts make me
> feel in the morning -- so warm and sweet -- but I hate the fact that I
> have to pay money before they will share themselves with me. This John
> is growing tired of their tricks.
>
> If I were The Pop-Tart Pimp, would these delicious treats then give
> themselves to me freely?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, now this is a true dilemma, the pop tart pimp, you say.
} Being the Pop-Tart pimp will not solve your problem.  If you were
} the pop tart pimp you would have the occasional privilege of
} taking your own merchandise for free, that's a given.  Though you
} would also have to stand back, watching powerlessly as the very
} object of your needs and desires was taken, repeatedly,
} brutalized and molested by third parties. That are totally
} unaware of the intimacy you have experienced with the subject of
} their momentary lust.  After a while the warmth and sweetness you
} are so accustomed to will turn to cold bitterness as the guilt,
} for reaping monetary rewards, by the prostitution of your tarts
} sets in. Though these benefits would be attained at no cost to
} yourself the merchandise will no longer taste as good if your
} perverting the tarts you stick in your mouth.
}
}                                     Oracle (and fellow Pop-tart fiend)


764-08    (ciJo6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose financial savvy far outweighs that of McKinsey, Bain,
> and Schwab combined, please offer your counsel on the following:
>
> I am a management consultant with Scheister & Co.
> One of our clients is a Mr. Charles Wood, CEO of a powerful timber
> company. Mr. Wood has sought out our services because he believes his
> firm will be adding chucking technology in the near future.
> Given optimal human inputs and resource allocation, and assuming a
> marginal risk threshold, what quantity of wood should I project that
> the firm of Wood, Chuck Inc. will be able to chuck once the technology
> is in place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None.  Here's the schedule of events as they will occur :
}
} September '95 - "New" technology arrives from supplier "Furr and
}       Weintraub".  The orders for equipment got mixed up and it turns
}       out you got a box of Lemurs.
}
} November '95  - Order is finally recieved from supplier.  You get
}       ready to rev up the 'Box `o WoodChucks'.  However, it is claimed
}       that some annoying, woodsie kind of person (probably don Henley
}       at his most self-righteous) claims to have seen a spotted owl.
}       Work halts.
}
} March '96     - After extensive searching, no spotted owls are found.
}       Work prepares to go on, but one of your workers is found smashing
}       a small woodland creature resembling a Lemur.  While this amuses
}       the Oracle greatly, the EPA is not.
}
} May '96       - In a stunning, bi-partisan reaction to the splattering
}       of a Lemur, Congress votes to have your entire company *Zot*ed
}       by yours truly.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest futures on pork bellies and one flat
} Lemur.


764-09    (alHo7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was your answer to my last question so bad? And can I have a proper
> answer please?!
> ----------
>
> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Oh scientifc oracle,
> >
> > Is light a particle or a wave? Why does it have to go so fast? Prove
> > it!
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } light is obviously a wave. oops i've left the oven on must go ask
> } somebody else

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, yes. Sorry 'bout that. That was a particularly bad day for me.
} You see, it started with the old question of "Life, the universe, and
} everything" which gets pretty mundane after the first millenium or so
} of being asked. Then I got the old "Woodchuck" thing, followed by "If a
} tree falls in a forest" story. Doesn't anyone have any originality?
}
} So anyway, by the time I got to your scientific, thought-provoking,
} and intellectually significant question, I was unfortunately ignoring
} most people out of spite. Unfortunately you got the short end of my
} "impatient" stick.
}
} Anyway, on to the answer.
}
} Well, light is *both* a particle and a wave. Yes, I know that doesn't
} make sense, but I can't really *expect* you to understand! Us higher
} forms of being just see things on a different level. Even I have
} trouble with this one on a bad day (which explains the answer you got
} last time).
}
} I think you should be damn pleased that light is in such a hurry!
} Imagine if it wasn't! Imagine playing baseball and not knowing if the
} ball had been hit in your direction just because the light decided to
} stop off for a cup of decaf on the way! Would you be confident enough
} to cross the road if you thought that the piece of light carrying the
} picture of a bloody great truck might have met a piece of light from
} the shop window and decided to stop awhile for a chat!
}                ****I think not****
}
} Anyway, I'm not going to waste both *your* and *my* time trying to
} prove it (I don't think your service provider would appreciate a piece
} of mail that big sitting on their hard drive, either.) Suffice to say
} that it just IS.
}
} You owe the Oracle an acceptance of the way it is.


764-10    (kdomq dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Mr. Reagan, we know there is nothing on your mind right now.
} We've always known it.


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