[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:05:42 GMT

Internet Oracularities #765

Goto:
765, 765-01, 765-02, 765-03, 765-04, 765-05, 765-06, 765-07, 765-08, 765-09, 765-10


Usenet Oracularities #765    (74 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 20:33:13 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   765
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

765   74 votes 6kok4 6qob7 57inl 9tn94 0psh4 3evj7 bkij6 29wla 2blpf 3bsfh
765   3.1 mean  2.9   2.8   3.6   2.6   3.0   3.2   2.9   3.4   3.5   3.4


765-01    (6kok4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, wise *wise*, cool, groovy, froody, most deliciously sexy
> Oracle, please grant me a grain of wisdom from your beach of knowledge.
>
> Why is the oracle so dull nowadays? I hardly ever get a witty or even a
> remotely intelligent answer! I suspect that an imitation Oracle is at
> work here. Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Someone looks up at you from the other side of the Oracle's desk.
} "Errrr... uhmmm... no, I am >still< the... errr... One True Orifice.
} I still hate... errr... beavers just as much as I ever did!"  His
} mustache begins to slide down his face.  "I still zap... errr...
} zip... errr... knock down any mortal who asks silly questions!"
}
}    "Ignore any of the rumors that the Real Oracle is with Lisa,
} vacationing at the Hedonism II hotel in Jamaica, and any rumors that
} he sent his cousin B1FF to take over for a while.  They're completely
} and utterly false!"  He waves his hands madly around the air.  "Now,
} begone, or I'll... I'll frobnitz you!"
}
}    As you leave, you hear a plaintive whine.  "Before you go, could
} you tell me how this Staff of *zot* is supposed to work?"  You hear
} a loud *ZOT*, then silence.  In a tiny voice, you hear... "Owwwwww...
} I think I found it..."


765-02    (6qob7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,how may i find an internet address for someone on
> America Online.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck. As the result of AOL's aggressive marketing strategy
} (i.e., mailing out free diskettes at a rate of 23,157,998 _per diem_),
} every man, woman, and child on this planet is now on America OnLine. As
} a result, any internet address you concoct has a 93.4% probability of
} being the internet address for someone on America OnLine (the remaining
} 6.6% are the addresses for NSA computers). So just pick one at random.
}
} You owe the Oracle the scores from Saturday's NSA intramural softball
} game.


765-03    (57inl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, Post Raisin Bran or Kellogg's Raisin Bran?  Or is
> there another alternative that I've missed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After a rigourous programme of testing, I am happy to present a study
} on the comparitive suitability of Post Raisin Bran (PRB) as compared
} with Kellogg's Raisin Bran (KRB):
}
} Test 1: Palatability
}
} 215 grams of PRB, KRB and shredded cardboard slices were served to a
} dozen supplicants in a double blind taste test.  Seven of the twelve
} supplicants were able to correctly identify the Shredded raisin bran
} (mainly from the texture of the raisins), but only one supplicant
} was able to distinguish PRB from KRB, but she preffered the shredded
} cardboard anyway.
}
} Result: inconclusive
}
} Test 2: LD-50
}
} Three seperate groups of supplicants were administered 750 grams of
} PRB, KRB or shredded cardboard each hour until half of each subject
} group became "regular".  The KRB group reached the 50 percent level at
} a dose of 6.75 kg per person, while PRB group achieved the 50 percent
} level at 6 kg/person. No measurable bowel activity was achieved in the
} control group for the duration of the experiment.
}
} Result: Emergency removal of papier mache from Oracle labs sewers
}
} Test 3: Addictiveness
}
} The price of PRB, KRB and shredded cardboard was raised at a small
} suburban supermarket in $15 increments until sales dropped by 25%.
} While there was a marked decline in PRB and KRB sales as soon as the
} unit price exceeded $90 a box, there was no effect on shredded
} cardboard sales.
}
} Result: Shredded cardboard is extremely addictive
}
} Test 4: Product recognition
}
} Shoppers at a large shopping mall were offered bowls of KRB, PRB and
} shredded cardboard.  27% of suibjects ran away screaming.  30% of
} subjects were ably to identify KRB, while only 16% of subject correctly
} identified PRB, 97% of subjects were able to identify shredded
} carboard.
}
} Result: Shredded cardboard is well recognized.
}
} Test 5: Impact Assessment
}
} Boxes of KRB, PRB and Shredded cardboard were driven into a solid wall
} at 10, 20, 40 and 55 mph.  At low speeds, PRB boxes offered occupants
} the most protection.  No boxes provided occupants significant
} protection at speeds over 20 mph.
}
} Result: Neither cereal box offers sufficient levels of protection in
} the event of a crash.
}
} Test 6: Benchmark
}
} KRBSpec V1.1 and PRBSpec V2.3 were run on the PRB box and KRB box
} respectively. It was not possible to test the shredded cardboard's
} benchmark as the benchmarking software was not compatible.  The time
} taken to install windows 95 was also measured.
}
} Results:
}
} Box:          PRB             KRB             PRB             KRB
}
} Test S'ware   KRBSpec         KRBSpec         PRBSpec         PRBSpec
}
} Test:
} MFLOPS        7.14            98.3            100             6
} WritePixel    120 ns          110 ns          50 ns           120 ns
} Disk Access   350 msec        100 msec        250 msec        800 msec
} RAM speed     100 ns          50 ns           60 ns           80 ns
} DOS compat?   n               n               n               n
}
} RAM           16 MB           32 MB
} W95 (hrs)     3               5
}
} It should be noted that the writepixel for the KRB box was consistantly
} slower since it was configured with a 24 bit display.  Neither box was
} able to multitask effectively.
}
} Test 7: Popularity
}
} 100 random supplicants were polled and asked the following question:
}
} Who would you vote for out of these candidates for President
} 1) PRB
} 2) KRB
} 3) Shredded cardboard
} 4) Hilary Clinton
} 5) Ross Perot ?
}
} Results:
}
} 1) PRB                12%
} 2) KRB                16%
} 3) Shredded cardboard 61%
} 4) Hilary Clinton     20%
} 5) Ross Perot ?       4.9%
}
} I hope this information will help your choice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to lie with statistics"


765-04    (9tn94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How to get to Newsgroups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  <Through puffs of smoke, you see a disembodied head and hear a booming
}  voice.>
}
} BEFORE I CAN GRANT YOUR REQUEST, O SUPPLICANT, THE ORACLE DEMANDS THAT
} YOU PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY. YOU MUST BRING ME THE LAPTOPS OF CANTER &
} SIEGEL. IN THAT WAY, I WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE TIME AND
} EFFORT OF THE MIGHTY ORACLE. NOW LEAVE THIS PLACE, AND DO NOT RETURN
} WITHOUT THE LAPTOPS OF CANTER & SIEGEL!
}
}  P.S. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.


765-05    (0psh4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    My truck just doesn't have the pick-up it used to.  I change the oil
>    every 3000 miles, the sparkplugs every 30K, the air filter every
>    20K, and I even add that fuel injector cleaner to the gas tank every
>    once in a while.  So why...WHY?...oh great and powerful Oracle, has
>    she lost some of her acceleration speed?
>
>    Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.....
}
}         PERIODIC MAINTENANCE FOR  TRUCKS
}
}         CHANGE OIL 3K           Yes
}         CHANGE PLUGS 30K        Yes
}         CHANGE AIR FILTER 20K   Yes
}         FUEL INJECTOR CLEANER   Yes
}         ADD FUEL WHEN EMPTY     Uh oh.....
}
} Okay, your CV joints are shot, your catalytic converter is stuck in an
} Nth-order binary loop, the compensating turboencabulator system is
} leaking CFCs, and I think you've lost an engine mount. Gonna cost
} ya...about a grand.
}
} You owe the Oracle NO out-of-state checks.


765-06    (3evj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was told to:
> >FIND OUT WHY YOUR PHONE GIVES THE BUSY SIGNAL AND FIX IT!!!
>
> But it turns out that these days people don't get rollover into
> voicemail unless they can provide a business justification! In order to
> get it, I need to fill out something that sounded like a "TSCN request"
> and get it signed by a higher-up. But WHAT IS A TSCN REQUEST AND WHERE
> CAN I FIND ONE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see ... have to go to the reference shelf for this one.
}
} "Encyclopedia Galactica" ... nope
} "Chaucer's Insider's Guide to the English Language" ... nope
} "How to Build a Pocket-Sized Thermonuclear Device" ... nope
} "The Official Zaphod Beeblebrox Bartender's Guide" ... nope
} "Lord of the Rings" ... nope (and how the hell did THAT get here?)
} "Internals and Data Structures Manual" ... nope
} "The Complete Woodchuck BBQ Cookbook" ... nope
} "Lisa's Unabridged Diaries" ... *cough* nope
}
} Blast.  Where DID I put that?
}
} Aha!  Here it is.  "The Oracle's Comprehensive Guide to Overloaded
} Acronyms."  As even you mortals may have noticed, it's nearly
} impossible to find unambiguous acronyms any more (even for the Big
} Guy, ever since Guaranteed Overnight Delivery started advertising),
} so this little baby comes in handy.  Now ... *flip* *flip* *flip*
}
} TSCN (21) Table of Strange City Names
} TSCN (22) Telephone Service Change Number
} TSCN (23) Tennessee State Commissioner of Naugahyde
} TSCN (24) Terminate Supplicant Clod Now
}
} Hmm, I think I see a likely candidate.  I'll send you a form
} immediately, and warm up the auxiliary generators here.  No charge.


765-07    (bkij6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha!  Did you think that the Usenet Oracle would be unable to see your
} dastardly attempt at mind control?  Using our uncanny powers of
} elucidation, we shall reveal your deviously "blank" query for what it
} really is:
}
} [actual contents of the message follow]
}
} >   FFFFFFFFF  NNN     NN    OOOOOOO    RRRRRRRR     DDDDDDD     !!!
} >   FFF        NNNN    NN   OOO   OOO   RRR   RRR    DDD  DDD    !!!
} >   FFFFFF     NN NNN  NN   OOO   OOO   RRR   RRR    DDD   DDD   !!!
} >   FFF        NN  NNN NN   OOO   OOO   RRRRRRRR     DDD   DDD   !!!
} >   FFF        NN    NNNN   OOO   OOO   RRR   RRR    DDD  DDD
} >   FFF        NN     NNN    OOOOOOO    RRR    RRR   DDDDDDD     !!!
}
} The Oracle wishes to make it known that we are adamantly opposed to
} this sort of Illuminati-supported subversion of the Usenet-reading
} public!  We find it frankly disgusting, and we WILL NOT stand for it!
} Furthermore...
}
} [knock knock]
}
} Whoops, just a minute...
}
} Yes? ... You want me to *what*? ... Oh yeah?  Well, just try and make
} Oof! Ow! Hey, leggo of Ouch!  Why you...
}
} [whack, thud, biff, ZOT!, swish, crack, crash, KABOOM!]
}
} PLEASE DISREGARD THIS POSTING. THE ILLUMINATI DO NOT EXIST FNORD.
} GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING.  THIS IS ONLY A JOKE FNORD.  WE
} REPEAT, THE ILLUMINATI DO NOT EXIST.  THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
}
} YOU OWE THE ILLUM^H^H^H^H^HORACLE YOUR COMPLETE, UNQUESTIONING
} ALLEGIANCE FNORD.  EWIGE BLUMENKRAFT!


765-08    (29wla dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I send a fax via Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I get asked computer questions like this all the time, so I'll just
} include a excerpt from the "Computer Questions for the Oracle:
} Grovelless Edition" FAQ file:
} ----------
}
} SENDING FAXES OVER THE INTERNET
}
} Sending faxes over the Internet used to be a complicated process, but
} now you too can save several pennies in long-distance phone charges.
} Here's what you need to do:
}
} 1.  Scan the page with a hand scanner.  (Flatbed scanners are
} incompatible with the FAX standards...yeah, that's the ticket...)
}
} 2.  Use the "stitching" software that came with your scanner to
} assemble the final image.
}
} 3.  Convert to a GIF file.  You'll probably have to download a graphics
} file converter from CICA or WUARCHIVE...or, in your case, Compuserve...
}
} 4.  Upload the GIF file to a UNIX workstation.  If you're doing this
} via a modem, consult the documentation that came with your terminal
} software.
}
} 5.  Convert the GIF file to EPS format.  (Warning:  The file will now
} be enormous, so you will probably have to remove some of your other
} files to make room for this monster.)
}
} 6.  Download the EPS file back to your PC.  Just for fun, use a
} different terminal program than you did in step 4.  I would recommend
} trying Microsoft's Terminal--it's loads of fun.
}
} 7.  Embed the EPS file in a Word for Windows document.  (Everybody who
} is anybody is embedding objects in Windows applications these days.)
}
} 8.  Upload the Word document back to the UNIX workstation.  Use a
} different transfer protocol this time...ymodem is my personal favorite
} when I have a few hours to kill.
}
} 9.  Since MIME never became quite as common of a standard as everyone
} thought it would, you'll have to use "uuencode" to convert the file to
} ASCII.  (Of course, less than 1% of the American population has a high
} enough IQ to figure out how to use uuencode...)
}
} 10.  Now simply email the ASCII file to the recipient.  It probably
} would be a good idea to give the recipient the instructions to decode
} the files, although it might be more interesting to see if he or she
} can figure it out for themselves.
} ---------
}
} In case you are interested, the FAQ file also has the following
} sections:
}
}    -   "Spawning Processes Via WWW Browsers"
}    -   "What Happens When Two Computers Have the Same IP Address"
}    -   "Deleting the Swap File in Windows"
}    -   "DOS Computers Have _No_ Security"
}    -   "You Don't Need A Password, Just a Screwdriver"
}    -   "10 _More_ Ways to Give the System Administrator a Headache"
}    -   "This Old .signature Virus"
}
} You owe the Oracle....ah, heck, don't worry about it.  The Oracle is
} getting quite a chuckle out of the thought of somebody actually trying
} this...


765-09    (2blpf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, all-knowing Oracle of the Mighty Usenet, whose body is like
> Schwartzenegger and face is like Borgnine, who set the planets in their
> place and gave us cable, please answer one simple question - - - if you
> tied a piece of peanut-butter toast to a cat's back and threw it up in
> the air, which side would land on the floor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question, first postulated in 1872 as a paradox (viz. does the
} toast land butter side down, or does the cat land on it's feet) was a
} popular discussion piece for a number of years, and was finally solved
} by Schroedinger using the techniques of quantum mechanics.
}
} The theorum, known as Shroedinger's Other Cat, states that, for a
} finite number of observations, the toast actually quantum-tunnels
} through the cat, such that both the toast and the cat land on the floor
} together.  On the occasions where the toast fails to breach the
} potential energy well, both cat and toast tend to a singularity and
} cease to exist in three dimensional space.
}
} Under no circumstances should you attempt to re-create this experiment
} at home, the release of gamma particles can cause severe skin burns.
}
} The science in this reply has been made up to protect the innocent.
}
} You owe the oracle a cup of tea.


765-10    (3bsfh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will the answer to this question be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A rhetorical question, perhaps?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org