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Internet Oracularities #766

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Usenet Oracularities #766    (84 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Aug 1995 16:48:13 -0500

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   766
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

766   84 votes 2ggAe hwla4 4otk7 imkf9 hmhdf 9qtg4 7ksl8 6kyj5 bjmn9 auni3
766   2.9 mean  3.5   2.4   3.0   2.7   2.8   2.8   3.0   3.0   3.0   2.7


766-01    (2ggAe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, if your can put a chip in a human brain to make them smarter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's try this out:
}
} Subject: the supplicant who did not grovel (ie, you).
} Hypothesis: The insertion of chips into brains is good.
} Experiment One:
}  Opened supplicant's head. Inserted Frito corn chip. Closed
} supplicant's head.
} Results: Supplicant asked for AOL trial disk.
} Summary: Supplicant did not respond to treatment.
}
} Experiment Two:
}  Opened supplicant's head. Removed Frito. Inserted cartoon squirrel,
} 'Chip'. Closed supplicant's head.
} Results: Supplicant hid objects in cheeks, buried and excavated small
} nuts.
} Summary: Supplicant much improved.
}
} Experiment Three:
}  Opened supplicant's head. Removed distressed cartoon squirrel.
} Inserted California Highway Patrol Officer. Closed supplicant's head.
} Results: Supplicant flirted incessantly with Oracle's beautiful lab
} assistant, became depressed and went on TV psychic infomericals.
} Summary: Prospects for recovery dim.
}
} Experiment Four:
}  Opened supplicant's head. Removed Eric Estrada. Designed and built an
} advanced integrated circuit to retrain supplicant to properly grovel,
} vacuum the Oracle's temple and bring the Oracle more beer.
} Results: Supplicant brang Oracle more beer, no longer responds to
} original name, denies former life.
} Summary: It is possible to make people smarter by putting chips in
} their head.
}
} You owe the Oracle, incarnated as Milhous, a signed copy of
} 'Interface'.


766-02    (hwla4 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
>
> I have a deep question.  I have noticed in my job search that most
> employers are looking for blonde bimbettes with no skills and big
> boobs, rather than persons with skills and experience and maybe a few
> extra pounds.
>
> Can you tell me what I need to do in order to find a job without, say,
> threatening a prospective employer with a .45-caliber handgun?
>
> Thanks loads.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have two choices.  The first one requires dieting, bleach, and a
} Wonderbra.  The other one just requires a nomination from the
} president.  Word is that she wants a cabinet that "looks like America"
} (so it won't show her up).
}
} You owe the Oracle an inflatable attorney general.


766-03    (4otk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here I am flailing around in search of information and talk about the
> giant William Blake -- not exactly huorous, indeed now tht I think of
> it his lack oh humor may be a fault -- ubt perhaps you could get me
> started. pds

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  William Blake, eh?  Now I know I've heard of him before, I
} just can't place it yet.  Let me try something:
}
} root %23234523122314234 > man blake
}
} blake(1)                  User Commands                     blake(1)
}
} NAME
}      blake, henry
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      blake [ -cilm ] [ -s "string" ]
}
}      Colonel  Henry  Blake,  Commanding  Officer  of  the  MASH  unit
}      4077 during the Korean War.
}
} AVAILABILITY
}      Now in syndication everywhere.  Check your local listings.
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      First  commanding  officer  of   the  4077th  Mobile  Army
}      Surgical Hospital stationed in  Korea during  the Korean War.
}      Served several mildly humourous seasons until his contract
}      was terminated with  the crash  of  his  helicopter  during
}      his flight  to  Souel.   Military coverup followed, in an
}      effort to add emotion to the event, claiming it had been
}      shot down.  Analysis of the wreakage  reveals Col. Blake was
}      not  in  the chopper  at  the  time  of the  crash.   Followup
}      investigation revealed  that  he  was  executed  by  the  CIA
}      at the recomendation of Major Flagg.  Awarded the Purple Heart
}      posthumously. Summarily replaced by  Col. Sherman T. Potter,
}      and sighs of  relief were reportedly heard 'round the world.
}
} OPTIONS
}      -l    Leniency switch.  Lets you get away with anything.
}
}      -c    Adds cigar smoke.
}
}      -i    Inebriated mode.  Increases humour value by  54% in most
}            cases. Also known as lush-mode.
}
}      -m    Martini.
}
}      -s "string"   Speak a phrase.
}
} EXAMPLES
}      To run blake in lush-mode with a martini, speaking the phrase "I
}      want my mommy":
}           example% blake -i -m -s "I want my mommy"
}
} SEE ALSO
}      klink(1), lush(1), useless(3), potter(5)
}
} NOTES
}      Not to be confused with William Blake, author.    Do not invoke
}      while klink is running.
}
} BUGS
}      Conflict  error messages  when invoked  while  klink is running.
}      The debate continues  as to who would  win in a standup fight,
}      Col. Henry Blake or  Col. Klink from  Hogan's Heros.  In physical
}      simulations, both simply crash and hang the system.  It has
}      been suggested  that this is the ideal result, as neither were
}      efficient and/or effective.
}
} Sun Macrosystems        Last change: 14 Sep 4992                     1
}
} (END)
}
} root %23234523122314235 >
}
} Well, supplicant, sorry I couldn't be of more help, but those are the
} risks you take for not including a sufficient grovel before your
} question.
}
} You owe the oracle better man pages.


766-04    (imkf9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose carnal knowledge is like a circle in a circle, like
> a wheel within a wheel...
>
> What happens when birds and bees mate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chess game ends.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new variation.


766-05    (hmhdf dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> about my trip

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jerry, you're not tripping.  You're dead.


766-06    (9qtg4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me the meaning of B.B.S.A.G!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shh-shhh-shh-SHH!  You fool!  Do you have any idea what
} you might have done?  Don't you know that those letters
} stand for what once were the most powerful words in all of
} your puny universe?
}
} Of course not.  That's why you asked.
}
} In the ancient days of your small Earth, when I myself was
} a young Oracle, sorcerers and sorceresses would use those
} words to open a gate to the very depths of Hell itself.  No
} ordinary mortal would ever dare speak them, as you so
} casually did just now.  Even the acronym, BBSAG (pronounced
} just the way it looks) was considered to be a word of great
} power.  Legends tell that if a large group of people got together
} and even STARTED to speak the words, it would cause massive
} death and destruction.  Evil cheerleaders would wreak havoc
} on high school football games by sneaking over to the opposing
} sideline and leading the crowd in a deadly cheer:
}
} "Gimme a B!"                      "B!"
}
} "Gimme another B!"             "B!"
}
} "Gimme an S!"                    "S!"
}
} "Gimme an A!"                    "A!"
}
} "Gimme a G!"                     "G!"
}
} "What's that stand for?"
}
} "Bw--AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEERRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!"
} {sounds of massive death and destruction}
}
} (Even today, cheerleaders use a form of BBSAG
} which has greatly evolved over the millenia, and so
} has much less power, although it is no less wretched:
}
} "Gimme a B!"            "B!"
}
} "Gimme another B!"   "B!"
}
} "Gimme another B!"   "B!"  (etc.)
}
} "What's that spell?"
}
} "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B"
} {sound of entire crowd flapping their lips with their fingers}
}
} Don't let yourself be pulled into this.  You may not
} get swept into Hades, but you will feel like a complete fool.)
}
} Cheerleaders notwithstanding, the power of BBSAG itself
} has declined over the eons, as those who understood how
} to use its power have all been sucked into Hell.  New words
} have cropped up and taken their place, but none have
} ever had the staying power of BBSAG.  For example, just
} a few years back, the phrase "President Quayle" struck
} terror into the hearts of millions, but is now considered
} something to brush off and laugh about.  Michael Jackson
} for over a decade now has been altering his appearance in
} the hope of eluding the demons conjured up every time his
} own name is used.  The word "Whitewater" is being invoked
} so often these days, that while it is still a young word of power,
} it is already losing its effectivness.
}
} As for the meaning of BBSAG, well, I couldn't unleash that
} kind of power into the hands of a mere mortal, could I?
} You'd destroy yourself the first time you tried to use it.  Let's
} just say that nowadays, BBSAG can mean anything you want
} it to mean.  In your case, I'd suggest Bumbling Brainless
} Supplicant Almost Grovels.
}
} You owe the Oracle an eye of Newt and his political career too.


766-07    (7ksl8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle ancient and mightier than any mere mortal such as myself,
> please answer my humblest of questions.  Every time I take a walk, the
> tongue in my left sneaker slides down to the side of my shoe until it
> is so uncomfortable that I have to reach over and pull it back in its
> proper place.  Then, it slowly slides back down the side again.  Oh,
> all powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me why this is
> happening and how I can stop it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, you have created your own problem.  Tongues, like
} all semi-intelligent creatures, respond to stimuli in the manner first
} described by noted psychologist / child-care expert B. F. Skinner.
} According to Skinner's theories, a creature will try random actions
} to achieve its needs until one of those actions receives a response.
} If the response fulfills the creature's desire, then it will continue
} to use that action to get what it wants until that action is no
} longer rewarded.
}
} Your shoe's tongue merely desires love and attention.  It has
} discovered that it can get the attention it craves by mischievously
} sliding down the side of the shoe.  Whenever it does this, you "reward"
} the tongue by adjusting it, giving it the loving, attentive touch
} that it desires.  Thus, whenever the tongue wants a little attention,
} it slides down and waits for the reaction it knows you will provide
} like some Pavlovian dog.
}
} To break this cycle, you must first stop rewarding the sliding
} behavior. When the tongue slides down, ignore it.  It will soon learn
} that that is no way to get what it wants.  Then you must provide
} an alternative method for the tongue to get its desires; you should
} spend some quality time with it, letting it know that you care for it.
} Then it will no longer feel the need to slide down for attention,
} and you can finally have a civil tongue.
}
} You owe the Oracle an aglet.


766-08    (6kyj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and all knowing Oracle,whose knowledge and power
> surpasses that of the wonderous Bill Gates.
>
>       Will we have users that will not ask where the "any" key is??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now that Microsoft has apologized profusely,
} abandoned it's neolithic, clunker system,
} and openly admitted that it wants to be like Apple,
} other worldly miracles will also grace your planet:
}
} Children will obey their parents,
} Bob Dole will earn an honest day's pay,
} Madonna will sing without the aid of a voice-enhancing synthesizer,
} a mud-slide will extinguish forest fires in California,
} Mike Tyson will fight a living opponent,
} NASA will learn something useful from space travel,
} OJ and Mark Furman will dance the lambada,
} Michael Jordan will lose all his endorsement deals,
} Ronald Reagan will remember Dan Quayle's favorite bedtime story,
} Toads will seize control of Maine and issue demands (which will be
}  ignored),
} Armani's new spring collection will be made entirely of yogurt,
} Sailfin lizards will claim the title "Man's Best Friend",
} Kmart will manufacture and stock Alumiwads,
} Oracles will be marginally clever on occasion,
} Hell with have a frost warning,
}
} and Bill Gates will personally design a keyboard with an oversized,
} blinking "ANY" key that will thrill the millions who have waited
} patiently for this day . . .
}
} You owe Oracle Jasper Sailfin detailed instructions to locate his
} "finder" and four ROM Chips from the Chocolate Fireball.


766-09    (bjmn9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Hog Butcher for the World, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat:
>
> (Oops, sorry, that was Carl Sandburg's grovel to Windows 95:)
>
> Not long ago I was poking around in the backcountry of the Alamo Hueco
> Mountains, in the New Mexico bootheel near the border with Chihuahua.
> I came upon an old fallen-down cattle pen of barbed wire and cedar logs
> that must have been a couple generations old.  As I kicked aside a
> couple of old boards, I noticed a branding iron underneath.  It was
> completely rusted, of course, but still solid.  I couldn't figure out
> what the brand was supposed to be; it wasn't letters, or the usual
> bar-triangle-circle symbols, but some kind of odd glyph.
>
> I thought maybe if I could get an imprint it would make some sense, so
> I piled up some dry grass and cholla ribs for tinder, broke up a few of
> the old planks and started up a fire.  When it was good and hot I stuck
> the brand in it for a few minutes, and meanwhile smoothed off the top
> of a cedar stump the best I could.  When the brand was glowing red I
> jammed it down on the stump and got a pretty good print of the brand.
>
> Anyway, here's what the brand looked like:
>
>                             xxx
>                         xxx     xxx
>                        xxx       xxx
>                        xxx       xxx
>                         xxx     xxx       /
>                             xxx         //
>                  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>                x            xxx         \\
>              x    x         xxx           \
>              x  ^  x        xxx
>                xxxx       ]xxxxx[
>                           ]xxxxx[
>                             xxx
>                             xxx
>                             xxx
>                          xxxxxxxxx
>                            xxxxx
>                             xxx
>                              v
>
> So, unfailingly savvy one, what the heck kind of a ranch was running
> cattle a brand like this, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      That would be "The Ranch Formerly Known As The Bar Prince Ranch,"
} known as "TRFKATBPR" to the locals.  This ranch was quiet famous in its
} day, which was a rather short day, but has long since been relegated
} to the level of obscurity where only the authors of Trivial Persuit
} questions delve.  The ranch specialized in raising short-horned purple
} cows and steers.  However, in this particular breed, the steers look
} so much like the cows that even the cattle themselves couldn't tell
} the difference.  Thus, their breeding and expansion plans fell apart.
} The head of "TRFKATBPR" claimed initially that his new breed of
} cattle would become the dominate strain by 1999, but as we now know,
} the purple reign was to never be.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a recitation of that famous poem about
} purple cows.


766-10    (auni3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle most revered, who in a single breath can reproduce the
> sound of life itself, who's merest whim could shock entire
> civilizations unto devastation for centuries to come, please reveal to
> thus humble reader:  I haven't seen the show in months, but why can't I
> get the themesong from the X-files _OUT_ _OF_ _MY_ _HEAD_!?!?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you can get the theme out of your head.  If you're not too
} wimpy...
}
} First thing you'll need to do is get your head re-opened.  This should
} be easier for you than most people, since we had to open your head to
} get the theme from the X-files surgically implanted.  There should be a
} latch somewhere up your nose.  Gently push this latch, taking care not
} to disturb any boogers so people won't think you're picking your nose.
} Your head should pop open.
}
} Now, taking the theme song out of your head is not quite as easy as
} removing an unwanted ferret from your briefcase.  There is some soft
} and squishy tissue in the way.  Remove it.  Take it all out.  Don't
} forget the limbic system.  Give this to the Oracle as payment for these
} services.
}
} Take a break.  You've worked hard.
}
} Next, search for a small tape recorder in the base of your skull.  Take
} that out.  We'll be wanting that back... we need to get the theme song
} from Married With Children firmly lodged in Newt Gingrich's skull.
}
} Close your head up again.  You may be feeling light-headed; expect this
} symptom to persist only until you die.


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