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Internet Oracularities #767

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Usenet Oracularities #767    (75 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 1995 00:10:47 -0500

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   767
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

767   75 votes 3aktd 2rub5 9jpca 3ergf 2nsi4 85pod 14std 4hmlb 5moi6 4fkgk
767   3.2 mean  3.5   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.0   3.4   3.7   3.2   3.0   3.4


767-01    (3aktd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a schoolbus yellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, only male schoolbusses are yellow; it's a sort of
} mating display. If you spy a yellow schoolbus at rest, look carefully
} beneath its tail, and you'll easily be able to verify its gender.
}
} As a rule, there are many more male schoolbusses in a brood than
} female, and so competition is very high come mating season. Only the
} schoolbusses with the brightest plumage (usually yellow or orange,
} often with black highlights) are able to attract a mate.
}
} Courtship rituals among the schoolbus are varied. The male attempts to
} attract the female's attention with a number of maneuvers; coming to a
} dead stop in the left lane, for example, or driving around and around a
} rotary at two or three miles an hour. Being very nearsighted, they
} often cannot tell when a prospective mate has decided against them and
} left.
}
} Schoolbusses all share in the raising of the young, and in season,
} you'll often see them picking up morsels, which the deliver and drop
} off at the schoolbus nest (often know as a 'school', which is where
} this colorful creature derives its name) This is to help the gravid
} mother and helpless chicks, which take some time to reach maturity.
}
} Schoolbusses are, unlike many fauna, resistant to pollution and live
} very well in and around human habitations. Like most wild creatures
} though, they can be dangerous if mishandled, and the Oracle recommends
} that you treat them with respect, and admire and photograph them from a
} short distance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Tory's Field Guide.


767-02    (2rub5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Mighty, Thoughtful and Wise
> Lend me your ear and open my eyes
> I'm an amateur poet and a lawyer by day
> Which causes me conflicts that just won't go away
> I'm in the employ of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe
> Who respectively have gout, halitosis and only one extended eyebrow
> They're not only repulsive, they're unscrupulous and uncouth
> I love my fat paycheck, but am I wasting my youth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O pitiful supplicant, small and unwise
} I smack you in the ear as my stick pokes your eyes
} Your question has prompted me to leave for the day
} The more questions I answer, the more users I send away
} Come back with worn puns like 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe'
} And make me groan by rhyming it with 'extended eyebrow'
} Their questions are technical, repetitive and uncouth
} They make me wish for the Temple of my youth.
}
} The answer to your question is:
} Anyone who would rhyme 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe'
} By stretching for the phrase 'extended eyebrow'
} Has a gift for poetry too great to be wasted
} But I sense success will never be tasted
} Your gift for rhyme is too advanced
} You would only get panced
} Stick with your day job.


767-03    (9jpca dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, hearty Oracle, please hear my tale
> My teacher told me to eat a whale,
> if I don't eat one I'll surely fail.
> But snacking on baleen could land me in jail.
> And to be honest, I'd rather eat quail.
> Can you tell me how to prevail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you're in luck!
} If the thought of whale makes you go "yuck,"
} just substitute a woodchuck.
} Besides, it's much smaller than a truck.
} If your teacher complains, I don't give a flying...*ZOT!*


767-04    (3ergf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O unquestionably cool Oracle, whose knowledge reigns supreme, please
> grant me the favor of answering my lowly question:
>
> If I found myself standing in front of the Gates of Hell, would I be
> looking at Bill Gates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it's been so long since I've been to hell and back, I don't
} really know who's doing gate duty now.
}
} Let's travel and find out, shall we?  <The Oracle snaps his mighty
} fingers and *POOF*, he is standing in Satan's office.>
}
} "Satan!  You old son of a-!  How've you been doing these past few
} millenia?" <tosses a bone to Cerberus>
}
} "Business is booming, my old omnipotent friend.  How's the Q&A track?"
}
} "Not bad, not bad, once Lisa and I got over that dreary woodchuck
} period.  Actually, it's a supplicant question that brings me here.
} Supplicant wants to know if Bill Gates is pulling GD right now."
}
} "Well, now, I'm not sure.  I passed that task on to my minions
} centuries ago.  Let me pull up the roster and check who's on gate
} duty this week.  <sits down to his terminal, a not-yet-of-this-earth
} Brimstone 4000/10,086 with 640G of RAM, 800 Quads of hard disk space,
} infinite floppy drives and a processor so fast the Hz can't be
} expressed in real numbers.>  You know, ever since I got this baby,
} Hell is just a little bit less hellish.  Ah, here we are, the gate
} roster for the next 300 years.   Right this minute, Pauly Shore's up
} there, but tomorrow Leona Helmsley's got a shift, as well as Yahoo
} Serious, David Duke, Ivana Trump (she's got a double shift with her
} ex), Shannon Doherty.  Next week, there's Jesse Helms, Gallagher,
} Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich (he'll be shift captain) Nancy Kerrigan (you
} know, she volunteered?) and Lorena Bobbit.  <scans rest of list>
} Nope, sorry, I don't see any Bill Gates here.  I take it your
} supplicant is a Mac user?  Hey, gimme Bill's phone number, and I'll
} give him a call.  I'm sure it's just an oversight."
}
} Well, valued supplicant, there's your answer.  Now you have something
} to look forward to.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95  (that's 2095.)


767-05    (2nsi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle whimsical, wonderous, and wise,
>     Answer my question and open my eyes,
>  Tell me why is it that time after time
>     I find myself speaking like this (metered rhyme.)
>  My friends they all shun me.  Why do they do this?
>     They say they can no longer take anacrusis!
>  And now my own mother (oh, it goes bad to worse)
>     Threw me out on the street for she's sick of my verse!
>  Oh Oracle, please!  Help would be heaven sent.
>     Else I think I'll just end my life's long enjambment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, dearest Supplicant, it's clearly no use
} You've grown up on a diet of too much Dr. Seuss
} Your meter belongs in a mall's parking lot
} And your rhymes are most excellent - not!
} Your verse is a flop so please stop and listen to mom
} Before a *real* Critic nails you and you lose your aplomb


767-06    (85pod dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh!  Great and wise Oracle, whose arms never fall off:
> Now that you have made me official Biographer of the Oracle, I am
> taking my duties very seriously.  At the moment, I, your humble
> Biographer, would like to know how I can contact Zeus and the other
> Gods so that I may interview them about your life.  Your help would be
> appreciated. Thank you.
>                                       Algorithm, Bane of COBOL

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Al, I didn't say "official Biographer of the Oracle."  I said,
} "Oafish Al, buy a crapper for the Oracle."  You don't need to contact
} Zeus. Try Fred's Plumbing Supplies.
}
} You still owe the Oracle a crapper.  And hurry.


767-07    (14std dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fiscal, most monetary and financially wise; whose gold Amex
> is never overdrawn and whose books are always in the black - please
> invest me with a response...
>
> Will we ever become a cashless society?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I sense your pain and frustration, dear supplicant. This cruel
} world thrives continually on avarice and materialism, in a seemingly
} neverending cycle. It often seems that the honest and good are always
} in the end victimized by the opportunistic and the greedy, and that
} even the things we'd like to think of as free, given, or shared, are
} actually priced, withheld, and pro-rated. I understand your desire for
} a society free of this brutal exploitation - true wisdom transcends
} usury and petty financial compensation. I do believe the time has come
} for humanity to accept the true value of life and the necessity of
} altruism, and forsake the bitter bondage of cash and currency.
}
}               end of reply
}  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Thank you for asking an excellent question!
}
}       ITEM              PRICE          AMOUNT
}
}    260 vowels           @$0.55/vowel   $143.00
}  425 consonants         @$0.35/cons    $148.75
}
} 1st time question
}       fee               $25.00          $25.00
}
}   45 min labor          @$75/hr         $56.25
}
}  question processing    $20             $20.00
}
} electron recycling fee  $10             $10.00
}
}                       -------SUBTOTAL  $403.00
}
}                       WISDOM  TAX 6%    $24.18
}
}                       ---------TOTAL   $427.18
}
} Please make checks payable to the Oracle.
}
} Ask us about our volume question discount plan!


767-08    (4hmlb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who has not heard an original grovel in many
> years and yet continues to answer our pitiful questions, please
> answer mine as I lay in the dust at your feet and proclaim my
> unworthiness to even touch your dandruff flakes,
>
> What is this constant beeping noise coming from my terminal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Data must travel long distance to get to and from your terminal, how
} does that data actual move?  Each data packet is transferred via a
} TRansport Universal Channeling Kar (TRUCK).  Needless to say, there are
} quite many of these TRUCKs.  Due to quantum uncertaintities and other
} complicated things, the TRUCKS often reverse themselves, moving
} backwards.  That beeping sound you hear is the sound of one of these
} TRUCKs backing up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hearty belly laugh.


767-09    (5moi6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most holy Oracle, please fill me in:
>
> Why are there some electrical outlets with two holes and some with
> three holes but never any with four holes or one hole or five holes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one-hole outlets are reserved for members of congress.
}
} Four hole outlets were banished by the Catholic Church in 1892, after
} it was pointed out that Christ was crucified with four holes on the
} cross. All such outlets were confiscated and are now stored in St.
} Feazals Sweet Lady of Redemption Warehouse near the Vatican. The Pope
} visits them yearly for inspiration.
}
} Five hole outlets do exist. A company called Lots'o'Holes Ltd, has
} manufactured 6 million units per year since 1982. Unfortunately, they
} are yet to sell their first, since face plates for these specialty
} fixtures have never been available. Rene Banalillin, president of
} Lots'o'Holes Ltd, plans expansion into the virgin six hole market.
} Prototypes have been very popular with people who like holes, and their
} supportive families.
}
} You owe Oracle Jasper Sailfin the second largest cumquat and a long,
} scary ride on your hunchback.


767-10    (4fkgk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o wise oracle of the net,
>
> who was i in my previous life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a look at your soul's revision history:
}
} |            SOUL ID: 8221-MKK91934-7812-J615-QMLG714
} | SOUL CREATION DATE: 6176324071.83416 (days since creation of Universe)
} |INCARNATION VERSION: v71843.0
} |
} |CHANGE LOG:
} |
} |DATE       VERSION  WHO  CHANGE(S)
} |---------- -------- ---- ---------------------------------------------
} |12/04/0003 v1.0     God  Created first version
} |
} |09/07/0024 v2.0     RD   Reincarnated as v2.0 by Reincarnation Daemon
} |                         after being trampled by elephant
} |
} |02/10/0041 v3.0     RD   Reincarnated as v3.0 by Reincarnation Daemon
} |                         after eating poisonous mushroom
} |
} |05/04/0083 v4.0     RD   Reincarnated as v4.0 by Reincarnation Daemon
} |                         after falling into volcano
}
} Hmm, this goes on in a similar vein for quite a while.
} Let's skip to the end:
}
} |08/23/1995 71844    RD   Reincarnated as v71844 by Reincarnation Daemon
} |                         after being ZOTted for failure to grovel
}
} Well, that leaves me with only one choice:
}
} *ZOT!*


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