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Internet Oracularities #768

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768, 768-01, 768-02, 768-03, 768-04, 768-05, 768-06, 768-07, 768-08, 768-09, 768-10


Usenet Oracularities #768    (86 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 27 Aug 1995 00:10:33 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   768
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

768   86 votes 4xuc7 8iskc 8puk3 biqkb tqbf5 6clql 3gDj9 7lvn4 ddfpk 2bsjq
768   3.1 mean  2.8   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.3   3.5   3.2   3.0   3.3   3.7


768-01    (4xuc7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most high Oracle, who could number every blade of grass, if he had a
> reason:
>
> Why is it that weeds grow best in my lawn, while grass grows best in
> the cracks of the sidewalk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a common phenomenon. If you've ever tried to grow wild flowers
} (i.e., weeds with nice-looking blossoms), you'll find that they *will
} not grow*. Instead, all you'll get is... grass.
}
} Grass growing in the cracks of sidewalks is an attempt by the grass to
} achieve weed status (i.e., growing where it is not wanted), since the
} grass resents the weeds crowding it in the lawn.
}
} Most people don't believe that plants have psycology. Most people also
} have pretty crappy-looking lawns.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 55-gallon drum of Round-Up.


768-02    (8iskc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help! I got your message, addressed to "Commander", to "Damn the
> torpedoes and full speed ahead." Well, we cavalry types don't use
> many torps, but - hey - I know your sense of humor.
>
> So, we went full steam ahead. But - now - there's Indians all 'round.
> Never saw so many Indians. You caused this - what do I do now?
>
> --G. A. Custer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you could, please fill out this survey and mail it back to
} us...well, considering, maybe you ought to put it in some oilcloth
} and just hold onto it. Don't worry, we'll have plenty of time to
} pick it up.
}
} SO YOU'VE JUST BEEN SENTENCED TO CERTAIN DEATH BY YOUR COUNTRY
}
} RESPONSE FORM
} CHECK ALL THAT APPLY
}
} 1. The President of the united states is
} < > A swell guy
} < > A complete git
} < > Going to get me out of this mess I just know it
} < > Going to be real sorry when I see him again
} < > A nice hot meat pie
}
} 2. The enemies I am fighting are
} < > Barbarians
} < > Heathen
} < > Pretty swell guys
} < > Pretty swell at taking scalps
} < > Not going to take fifty bucks and forget about this are they?
} < > Surrounding me this minute
}
} 3. The weapons I was assigned are
} < > Rad
} < > Hoopy
} < > Jamming
} < > No I mean really jamming YOU ASS WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
} < > About as useful as a bloody glove in an OJ Trial
}
} 4. I will be soon arriving home in
} < > A nice satiny hearse
} < > A wooden box
} < > A shoe box
} < > The next shipment of Quality Vulture Pie of the Month Incorporated
} < > Something that would make a rat sick
} < > Rat sick
}
} 5. I would like to wish all my family and friends at home
} < > Farewell and I'll see you in the next world
} < > Where were you when I was in line to enlist?
} < > I'm glad you're gone especially you Mildred with that damn whine
} < > Were between me and these Indians
}
} THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND HONESTY


768-03    (8puk3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, master of knowledge, ruler of lands and in all a C00L
> daity, please answer my unworthy question:
>
> Do cellular phones kill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cellular phones kill in a number of ways:
} - Emitted radiation increases cancer risk
} - Increased transmissions means greater chance Earth will be noticed by
} hungry alien civilizations
} - Impair driving abilities and cause traffic fatalities
} - Ability to do business while commuting leads to longer periods of
} work-related stress and more heart attacks
} - Increased efficency of business means more pollution and greater
} enslavement of small resource-poor Third World nations
} - Used as a bludgeoning instrument
} - Choked on
} - 3133t3 d00dz WHo KL0Ne phON3s Ki113d bY SeCReT SeRViCe aGeNTs


768-04    (biqkb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oraculamus magnificat, mea dicere:
>
> Si lignum marmota posse conicere, quantum lignum marmota coniceamus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marmota coniceamus CLVI cubitae, if you must know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Aeneid.  Autographed.


768-05    (tqbf5 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> satellite internet access

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Catamite with a pet abscess.


768-06    (6clql dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing and most wise Oracle,
> Please answer this one question for an new subscribee who could well
> have missed the answer if the question has been asked before,
> 'What is the meaning of Life? (Human Life that is)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle visibly restrains Itself from erupting in an epic, booming
} fury, clenches its teeth around the cigar It is smoking, and throws
} down the racing form it was perusing.
}   "The meaning of _life_?" the Oracle sighs, in an irritated Brooklyn
} accent.  "You want me to quote some tired Douglas Adams joke at you
} maybe?"  The supplicant swallows nervously as the Oracle stands,
} planting both palms on Its desk.  "Would regurgitating some Monty
} Python bit be more to your liking?"
}   "Err, I'm sorry your magnanimousness," the supplicant begins to
} apologize, interrupted by the Oracle, who has now raised Its voice and
} gestures angrily with Its cigar.
}   "How about I make some hokey reference to Life-the-boardgame or
} Conway's Life.  Jiminy cricket, you probably wouldn't even get the
} reference!  I'd probably have to sink to some reference to
} Life-the-cereal or Life-the-magazine just to elicit some response other
} than a blank stare."
}   "Please forgive me, your Oracleship," the supplicant pleads, now
} terrified and trembling.  "It's just that I wanted to..."
}   "You wanted to see yourself on the newsgroup is what you wanted, you
} little punk!"  The Oracle was now pointing an accusing finger at the
} supplicant, Its face an angry beet red.  "You think you'll get on the
} newsgroup with a pathetic question like..."
}   "Now listen here!" the Supplicant interrupted, aswim with fear and
} anger.  "I don't care if you _are_ omnipotent and omniscient - that
} doesn't give you the right to abuse me like that!  Just because my
} question isn't as clever as important as what you're used to doesn't
} mean it isn't important to _me_!"  The supplicant looked like it was on
} the verge of breaking down in overwhelmed tears.
}   "Aw, c'mon kid, I'm only giving you the business.  You're new in town,
} and I'd be a real heel if I reduced you to a pile of smoldering ash
} just for asking questions, right?"  The Oracle smiled a warm,
} reassuring smile and playfully punched the supplicant on the shoulder.
}   "I... guess," the supplicant answered weakly.
}   "Tell you what, pal.  You want the meaning of life, I'll give you the
} meaning of life.  Look in your pocket."  The supplicant followed the
} Oracle's suggestion and soon produced a fortune cookie, already
} forgotten from lunch at the neighborhood Chinese restaraunt, earlier
} that day. Looking at the Oracle for reassurance, the supplicant broke
} open the morsel and read the enclosed slip of paper.
}
}  MEANING OF LIFE IS AS FOLLOWS: EAT DELICIOUS SZECHUAN CUISINE AT WU
}  CHANG'S.
}
}   "You mean I had it all along, and all I had to do was look inside?"
}   "Now you understand, kid!" the Oracle laughed jovially.  "What you
} were looking for was there all along.  Well, since earlier this
} afternoon at least."  Tearfully, the Supplicant threw its arms around
} the Oracle, who smiled benevolently.  "All in a day's work," the Oracle
} sighed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a steaming plate of W**dch*ck Lo Mein.


768-07    (3gDj9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> two psychologists meet; 'what time is it?', one of them asks. What do
> you think the colleague will reply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh that's easy: "Your interest in the time is most intriguing. Tell me
} about your mother."
}
} Let's look at some other professions.
}
} Two physicists: "Time is only an illusion created by people to explain
} change. The time is now."
}
} Two theoretical physicists: "Well if you consider that we are in 1g
} and moving at such-and-such a speed through the universe, relative to
} the first loogie that an astronaut fired off into quadrant RD7, and
} considering the time-space distortion caused by that, I would say that
} the time is x + 7.383y + 5-UUs."
}
} Two used watch salesmen: "Well, I could tell you, but let me interest
} you in this baby. Only wound on weekends by the old lady who wore it
} to church. . . ."
}
} Two basketball players: "We got 17 seconds left in the game. That's
} enough time for 23020 fouls so let's kick ass."
}
} Two blue collar tweekers: "Three and a half hours till I get out of
} this dump."
}
} Two oracle incarnations: "12:59 PM EDT. You owe the oracle a conversion
} to Geneva."


768-08    (7lvn4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, wise and wonderful, answer my question, please.
> I have been having pains in my head recently and I don't know why.  It
> all started yesterday after I banged my head against the ground
> repeatedly for two hours.  I can't understand it.  I took two Advil,
> yet my head is still throbbing.  I think it might be something I ate.
> Please help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll excuse the lack of proper grovelling at this time, since you're
} obviously distracted by the intense pain of your headache.  I'll take
} you step by step through the self-diagnosis of post-terran encounter
} cranial pain.  Start at question 1.
}
} 1) Look in the mirror.  Is there blood on your forehead?
}    a) No.  Go on to 3.
}    b) Yes.  Go on to 2.
}
} 2) Is the blood running down your face?
}    a) No.  Put a band-aid on it the blood and go on to 3.
}    b) Seek professional help (sorry, I don't make house calls).
}
} 3) Was the ground you banged your head against igneous, metamorphic,
}    or sedimentary?
}    a) Igneous.  Ignore it.  What you don't notice can't hurt you.
}    b) Metamorphic.  Be very careful; if you take any more Advil, the
}       headache will change form and next thing you know you'll be
}       suffering a stroke or bad gas or something.  What you need to do
}       is go to the store and get yourself some hard candy.  Something
}       sweet that will dissolve slowly in your mouth.  Then it'll soothe
}       the headache and keep it from becoming something much worse.
}    c) Sedimentary.  Take 1 tablet every 4 to 6 hours while symptoms
}       persist.  You need to strip off the layers of the headache.
}
} 4) How did you get to this question?
}    a) Well, I assumed that since 3 came after 4...  Well, you're
}       making incorrect assumptions!  Who's the doctor here?  It's me,
}       you know.  So don't answer questions unless you're told to!
}
} You owe the Oracle a ...
}
} hold on.  I just realized your question was translated into English
} incorrectly.  Good thing I thought to look at the original version of
} the question in its original language.  I should get that thing fixed.
} You'll laugh when you read this, but the translator turned "banging my
} head to some rock" into "banging my head against the ground".  Wow,
} what a screwup, I'll have to go back to having the priests
} hand-translate the Chinese questions again.  So much for automation.
}
} Anyway, in that case, there exist only two solutions to your problem.
} You can listen to an a cappella record for an hour, preferably a group
} that makes bad sexual innuendo versions of songs (e.g. "Necrophilia
} down by the Graveyard" in place of "Me and Julio down by the
} Schoolyard").  Your other option is too horrible to mention...  But I
} will anyway, since I'm required to by the FAQ.  Your other option
} is...
}
} 10 seconds of VH1.
}
} Sorry...  I think I'll waive the fee in this case, out of pity.


768-09    (ddfpk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a


768-10    (2bsjq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Michal Jackson?????
> Is it a guy or ??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone know Michael Jackson is a black male.
} This is easily deduced by logic:
}
} Statement I:
} Black people have dark skin.
}
} Michael Jackson has...eh...lets get back to that one leater.
}
} Statement II:
} Males have harder and more marked features in face than females.
}
} Michael Jackson has...damn.
}
} Statement III:
} Males have deeper voice than females.
}
} Michael Jackson has...oh bugger.
}
} Hmm.
}
} (I) and (II) and (III) =>
}
} Statement IV:
} Michael Jackson is a white female.
}
} Statement V:
} Michael is a male name.
}
} Statement VI:
} Michael Jackson is...er...lacking something in the chest area.
}
} (V) and (VI) =>
}
} Statement VII:
} Michael Jackson is a male.
}
} Oh dear, oh dear. *scratches head frantically*
} Ah.
}
} (IV) and (VII) =>
}
} Conclusion:
} Michael Jackson is from Mars.
}
} There! Nothing to it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Moonwalk.


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