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Internet Oracularities #769

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769, 769-01, 769-02, 769-03, 769-04, 769-05, 769-06, 769-07, 769-08, 769-09, 769-10


Usenet Oracularities #769    (85 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 16:29:06 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   769
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

769   85 votes 6ltk9 42jzp ctpi1 4bqnl 66gBk drsc5 2fuoe 3edup 6rve7 7eotb
769   3.3 mean  3.1   3.9   2.6   3.5   3.7   2.6   3.4   3.7   2.9   3.3


769-01    (6ltk9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great, all-knowing, discrete Oracle, who, in his endless wisdom and
> kindness would never reveal the content of our conversations to my
> boss, my insurance company, my significant other, or any agency of the
> federal government, please answer me this one plea.
>
> I'm starting to get worried.  What were those symptoms again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anxiety and forgetfulness.
}
} You owe the Oracle . . . . Oh, forget it. You'll be in intensive care
} by the time you read this.  Be glad you got your affairs in order!


769-02    (42jzp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and magnificent Oracle, I have been one of your
> incarnations on several occasions, and I thank you from the
> bottom of my heart for this great honor you have bestowed
> upon me.
>
> Every so often, though, I have to admit that the questions you
> assign to me as an incarnation are a little on the tough side.
> What should I do if I don't feel worthy to answer questions on
> your behalf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    O sometime incarnation, tremble not at the prospect of the
} occasional tough question.  As a matter of fact, if that trembling
} gets much worse, you might have to resume drinking on the job.  Take
} a deep breath, unclench your fists, and pick the broken bits of your
} mouse out from between your fingers.  Now, doesn't that feel better?
}
}    You, as the Oraclular Incarnation Nominally Knowledgeable (OINK)
} don't _have_ to actually answer the poor Supplicant Who Is Needing
} Entertainment (SWINE).  As long as your response is entertaining,
} the SWINE will be getting his money's worth out of your answer.  If,
} however, you want to go that extra furlong, you may try a number of
} Dissembling Techniques.
}    (1)   Answer in parables.  It doesn't have to make sense; it has
}           now become the SWINE's job to figure it out.
}    (2)   Give the SWINE a Top Ten List.  The priesthood eat that
}           stuff up; you'll make the Oracularities
}    (3)   Blame Bill Gates or Microsoft(tm).  Hell, everybody else does.
}    (4)   Blame Steve Kinzler (tm).  See DT number(2).
}    (5)   Answer in a foreign language.  Morse code, pig latin,
}           COBOL, C++, seem to be the current favorites.
}    (6)       Limericks, haiku:
}          Bewildered Supplicant thinks
}             He has seen wisdom
}    (7)   Let Lisa answer and claim T.U.O. is the victim of an
}           esoteric (yet lurid) sex fantasy.  The priesthood will pass
}           it among themselves but keep it out of the Oracularities
}           since this is a family newsgroup.  The likelihood of the
}           SWINE being delighted with your answer is very high; this
}           is, after all, cheaper than 1-900 phone calls.
}    (8)   Just <ZOT!> the poor bastard on some technicality.  It's
}           not too sportsmanlike, you being temporarily omniscient,
}           and all, but the casual readers like the violence, and
}           hey, we've all <ZOT!>ed our way out of the occasional
}           tight spot.  In fact it feels pretty good; and it has been
}           awhile since I've.... hmmmm.
}    (9)   Lie.
}   (10)   Parody (shudder) popular culture.  Ren and Stimpy, Three
}           Stooges, Beavis and Butthead, any beer commercials.  Do
}           observe that none of them could answer ANY question, but
}           are entertaining, and stand a pretty shot at satisfying
}           the SWINE (particularly if the SWINE was oneof those
}           who stood in line to buy WIN95 at midnight theday it
}           was released because the television TOLD him to.)
}   (11)   .... and in closing, erstwile OINK,
}               What is the sound of an evasive koan?
}
}                                                       <N>


769-03    (ctpi1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so cute and shiny, tell me
>
> is it true that girlies don't want to be adult women, even if they are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Girlies, huh? How can you expect them to be fully-functioning adult
} women when they're nothing but photographs in a magazine? They aren't
} even three-dimensional!
}
} If you want to meet real, adult, intelligent women, try leaving the
} house occasionally. Go to nightclubs. Join a gym. Play softball. Do
} something!
}
} By the way, your mother knows what's under your mattress. You aren't
} fooling anybody, mister.
}
} You owe the oracle a handbook on dating others in the 90's


769-04    (4bqnl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, Who Compells Me To Capitalize Every Word I Write,
>
> I tried out Windows 95 today. To start up the game Solitare, for
> example, you simple push CTRL-ESC to bring up the menu, then pick
> Programs, then pick Entertainment from that menu, and finally pick
> Solitare from the Entertainment menu. Then you wait for a minute while
> it starts up, and then you can play it.
>
> Please excuse my ignorance, but how is this an improvement over
> clicking on an icon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or better yet, how is clicking on an icon better than playing
} with actual cards?


769-05    (66gBk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey you! I've sent you stacks and stacks of questions and you ain't
> replied to even a single one yet! What's up? Don't ya serve
> AOL'ers????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure we serve AOL'ers.  We gladly kill them, dress them, prepare them,
} cook them, and serve them.
}
} The problem is getting anybody to sit down and eat one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Compuserver over easy, with a side of Prodigy.


769-06    (drsc5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me what would happen if Calvin & Hobbes were to rendezvous
> with The Simpsons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "But... But... The witness is a stuffed tiger, Your Honor!"
}
} "This court has had enough of you. Take the prosecution to the dungeon
} and make her listen to the testimony on water balloon elasticity
} again!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a transmogrifier.


769-07    (2fuoe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                    How might I fit a quart in a pint pot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to Fit a Quart in a Pint Pot.
}
} 1.  Take the quart.
} 2.  Drink all the liquor out of it.
} 3.  Wait an hour.  Your kidneys will apply Lempel-Ziv-Welch compression
}     to the quart as needed.
} 4.  The quart will now fit easily into a pint pot.
}
} The same method may be applied to many varieties of liquor with great
} success.


769-08    (3edup dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are in a maze of twisted little editors, all different.
> What do you do now?
> >>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Music swells. Giant letters sweep across the screen:
}
}           >>Indiana Oracle and the Temple of DOS<<
}
} [Orrie, outfitted in khaki bush hat and tropical attire is surrounded
} by terminals, PCs and workstations.
} He looks concerned, but has a steely glint in his eye.]
}
} Oracle:  So, "Baron Bill von Redmond", you think you and your fiendish
} yuppie stormtroopers can outwit the omniscient Oracle with a simple
} maze of editors, eh? We'll see about that!
}
} [He moves towards the first system and engages in hand-to-hand
} combat...]
}
} 1st system: "Error reading drive A: Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
}
} Orrie: "FORMAT *.*"
}
} [smoke starts to pour from the monitor. Orrie moves to the next screen]
}
} 2nd system:  "General protection fault on module WINEDIT.DLL at
} location 0FA0:01B0"
}
} Orrie: "CTRL-ALT-DEL"
}
} [disk drive explodes, flames shoot into the air from the monitor. Orrie
} starts to type on the third keyboard - a 3270]
}
} 3270: ":"
}
} [ Orrie frantically types. Looks puzzled]
}
} 3270: "? unknown"
}
} [ Orrie stands back. Shrugs]
}
} Orrie:  ZOT!
}
} [3270 terminal is instantly vaporized. Through the smoke, something
} moves]
}
} Orrie:  Not so fast  >Baron<. Hand over the holy chalice of vi.
}
} Baron Bill: Forget it Oracle, I'm going to take over the world and
} there's nothing you or your puny band of lawyer supplicants can do
} about it! [he emits a manic evil laugh]
}
} [The Baron pulls a concealed lever and a loud rumbling sound is heard.
} A giant trackball careens down a ramp towards the Oracle]
}
} Orrie: You'll have to do better than THAT, Baron!
}
} [Orrie whips out a disk marked OS/2 and hurls it at the approaching
} trackball which twists and veers off course. It narrowly misses Baron
} Bill, smashing a large hole in the wall through which the exterior is
} visible.]
}
} BB: Curses! WARPed again!
}
} [Baron Bill leaps though the newly breached wall and into a waiting
} helicopter which disappears in the direction of the Baron's impregnable
} Castle Redmond.]
}
} Orrie: So Baron Bill lives to fight another day. But I, the Oracle vow
} never to rest in the continuing battle for truth, justice and the
} informationsuperhigh way.
}
} [Closing credits]
}
} You owe the Oracle a new device driver for his bullwhip


769-09    (6rve7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one,
> Did Bill gates misunderstand the passage "...and the meek shall inherit
> the earth." as reading, "...and the Geek shall inherit the earth."????
> Is there life beyond Intel and Microsoft?
>
> Awating your reply....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, there was a misprint in the original Bible.  It should read,
} "...and the Greek shall inherit the earth."  However, since God, for
} all we know, has not died, he is still principle owner and operator of
} the earth.  He only created this clause from the advice of his lawyers.
}
} There is life beyond Microsoft and Intel.  It will be a simple,
} hand-held device I like to call an "abacus."  It will hold a number of
} virtual beads, upon one can count, possibly more precisely than a
} Pentium chip.  But that is all far into the future, long past our own
} human existance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of the pie.


769-10    (7eotb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Sir, don't you think we should get the defendant some clothes before
> we ask him to speak in front of all these people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all.  He's wearing his legal briefs.


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