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Internet Oracularities #77

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77, 77-01, 77-02, 77-03, 77-04, 77-05, 77-06, 77-07, 77-08, 77-09, 77-10


Usenet Oracularities #77    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Dec 89 18:44:55 GMT

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77-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the optimal size for tits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abraham Lincoln was a tall man.  Once some wag asked him how long a
} man's legs should be.  He answered "Long enough to reach the ground."
}
} The same answer goes for tits.


77-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I recently heard "Jesus saves...  but Greztky gets the rebound!  He
> shoots!  He scores!" Did Jesus invent hockey?  And if so, why isn't it
> the main sport of Jerusalem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jesus was an ardent hockey player.  (He spent several years in Canada
} before returning to Jerusalem.) The real reason that he learned to walk
} on water was that there were no hockey rinks in the Middle East, and he
} still wanted to play.  He couldn't find any suitable players on Earth --
} nodoby else could walk on water -- so he ascended into Heaven.  (No ice
} hockey there, but plenty of three-dimensional cloud hockey.) His
} disciples, following his footsteps into the Sea of Galilee, invented
} water polo.


77-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am chewing a stick of almond-flavored gum.  I have been chewing it for
> three days now.  I do not like the taste.  I do not like the texture.  I
> do to like chewing gum in my sleep.  I cannot stop chewing this gum.
> Whenever I try to take it out of my mouth I find myself masturbating to
> climax instead.  It was kind of exciting the first time but I'm sick of
> it now.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go home, lie down, call girlfriend, have her remove the gum and pet you
} to climax.  She can look after you and throw the gum away too.
}
} In future, stick to a security blanket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a woman.


77-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one,
>
> Why do packages that vibrators come in state "Just like the real thing".
> I don't know of any dick that takes 20 D cell batteries.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  For the very same reason that all advertisements for vibrators in
} magazines such as "Ladies Home Journal"(tm) or "Good Housekeeping"(tm)
} show a woman holding the above mentioned object to her cheek, (Read:
} area located near or about the face).  If they showed you the real
} thing, your sister would gag and your mom would sure as hell not leave
} it on the coffee table.
}
}  Since the Oracle can, and often does, enter the bodies of women.  I can
} attest that they think the penis looks gross, or at best goofy.  They do
} not "say" this as such, because of the fragile male ego.  I did say they
} do not like its looks, they do however love its function.
}
}  Sigmund Freud once stated that the only real question is "What does a
} women really want".  The answer is, all the functionality without the
} (ahem), "look and feel".  Of course, any further discussion is purely
} philosophical.  If you could detach the male penis, with no adverse side
} effects to performance, of course, you would find the little guy with a
} full dance card every night.  And of course, if the male organ could be
} altered to look like smooth plastic with a gentle slope near the tip and
} a quiet but insistent hum, you would find more males with less sexual
} frustration, but not a popular as example number one.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a tube of KY and a copy of "Moist" magazine.


77-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you know who I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only do I know who you are, but I also know where you are, what you
} are, how old you are, your embarrassing experiences with your last
} lover, your almost successful revolt against toilet training, and why
} all of the sheep in a thirty mile radius around your house get nervous
} when you walk by.  I know so much about you it's making me sick.  Excuse
} me.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tablets of Dramamine and a barf bag.  It would
} also be nice of you if you could help clean up this mess.  Yuk.


77-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a good way to start a conversation with a woman you think is
> nice who is, say, eating at the same table in a crowded restaurant with
> you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very slowly, stand up, unzip your fly and say, "Have you met my friend
} Milton?"


77-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my fuz purple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your boyfriend got you very drunk last night and dyed it.  Don't
} be too hard on him.  It really turns him on.


77-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty father of all, tell me why I can't orgasm.  I'm a guy, but I
> can't come.  I can make love for hours and hours until the lady I'm with
> finally screams for mercy but still I am unsatisfied.  Many of my
> intimate partners have told me to become a prostitute, but I am afraid
> of getting v.d.  What shall I do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the condom you made in metal shop isn't totally effective.
} Sure, it makes you as safe as a neuter, and it give the girl an
} incredible turn-on, but it pretty much blocks out all sensitivity for
} you.  Try rubber condoms.  You can't use them over and over, but at
} least you'll come.  And then modify your steel sheath and add a vibrator
} to it for added fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of 8


77-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a grad student.  Last Friday, the professor I work under and I went
> out partying.  The next morning, he claimed that he transcended the
> time-space continuum, but all we did was get drunk in a topless bar.
> How can I convince him of the truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give him the bar bill and carefully explain that you don't drink vodka
} martinis.  Prove that he does and point out the number of vodka martinis
} on the bill.  Finally, show him the girl that he picked up that night
} (actually a undergraduate nursing student) and have him examine the
} bruises he gave her.
}
} If these two pieces of evidence don't convince him, explain that even
} transcending the space-time continuum would not give him a hangover as
} bad as the one he has now.
}
} You owe the oracle the phone number of the nursing student.


77-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me about Captain Picard... Is he 'Doing the nasty' with
> 1) The queue
> 2) Riker
> 3) Wes
> 4) All of the above?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None of the above.  It's Data that's getting the captain's input.
} Remember the "sex with mechanical assistance" scene in "Heavy Metal"?


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