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Internet Oracularities #770

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770, 770-01, 770-02, 770-03, 770-04, 770-05, 770-06, 770-07, 770-08, 770-09, 770-10


Usenet Oracularities #770    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 1995 08:43:48 -0500

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   770
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

770   83 votes eprb6 5inw5 59uta 6fpkh 9qsf5 6lsfd 2dwqa 5frlf 2jqme k6hog
770   3.1 mean  2.6   3.2   3.4   3.3   2.8   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.1


770-01    (eprb6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh worthy one, have you ever given a serious answer to a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I prefer bratwurst on Tuesdays.
}
} You owe the Oracle a serious question.


770-02    (5inw5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much beer can the average college male consume before becoming
> intoxicated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need help on Question 1, Mr. Supplicant?  I'm disappointed in
} you. The answer should have been obvious after our discussion of the
} ecological role of the youthful human male in the university
} habitat, but since you've asked, I suppose I should derive it for
} you.  The rest of you had better pay attention.  Since it is all that
} you care about, I might mention that this would be an excellent
} question for the final.  Ah, that's much better, it's so nice to see
} your faces for a change instead of the top of your heads.
}
} Now that I have your attention, let's check Webster's.  You *do*
} know how to use a dictionary, don't you?
}
} intonation...intone...in toto...here it is.
}
} Intoxication: n 1. "An abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning"
}
} Does that answer the question for you?  Do you understand?  No, I
} can see that you don't.  Do I have to show you every piddling little
} step in the derivation?  I guess I do.
}
} What is the *normal* state of the average college male?  No, besides
} lust.  Think! Right, it's inebriation.  In fact, beer is the staple
} food of the species, isn't it?  The college male is adapted to a diet
} rich in spirits of all kinds, is he not?  Have you slept through the
} entire semester, Mr. Supplicant? Well? So, how much beer would the
} average college male have to consume to enter an "abnormal state
} that is essentially a poisoning"?
}
} Yes, that is right.  Only if the student consumes no beer at all can
} he be in an abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning.
} --
} The Oracle is not the average college male.  You owe the Oracle a
} cup of coffee and a doughnut.


770-03    (59uta dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, for whom I would even watch the ill-designed Beavis and
> Butthead, even attend Math class for only the merest whiff of your
> kitty litter, please help me with my small problem..  How could I go
> about getting a date with a smart handsome witty slightly arrogant
> athletic music loving male type? There dont happen to be any in my
> general corner of the world. And, while MTV and running take up the
> time, I need some weekend distraction.  HELP!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahem. This is embarrassing. I was tempted to answer with a single
} word: Move. But the sad fact is that men who are smart, handsome,
} witty, slightly arrogant (to bring out the geisha in you, I assume),
} athletic, and love music as well simply DON'T EXIST. Sorry for
} yelling. Athletic, handsome and slightly arrogant, I can get you.
} But also thick as a phone book. On the other had, I can get you a
} smart dude who's also witty, handsome, and loves music. And who's
} even slightly arrogant.  Unfortunately, it'll be classical music,
} and you won't be able to take him out jogging if you threatened him
} with a gun. I'm not saying the combination does not exist *at all*.
} There are guys out there who are cute, athletic, witty, smart, and
} just arrogant enough. Unfortunately, they like other guys. Sorry.


770-04    (6fpkh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> You are in a small room. There are exits to the north and west. There
> are strange markings on the east wall. There is a rope in the middle
> of the floor.
>
> Command:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Command: read
}
} Read what?
}
} Command: read wall
}
} Which wall?
}
} Command: read east wall
}
} You can't decipher the strange markings.
}
} Command: examine east wall
}
} You look more closely at the strange markings.  They look like part of
} an old mural, perhaps.
}
} Command: take rope
}
} You put the length of rope in your pack.
}
} Command: inventory
}
} You are carrying the following items:
}
} 1 wrist watch (being worn)
} 1 lantern (lit)
} 1 pair of leather gloves (bloody)
} 1 copy of "Dianetics" (available at a bookstore near you)
} 1 (is the loneliest number)
} 1 rope
}
} Command: wrap rope
}
} Wrap the rope where?
}
} Command: around neck
}
} You are now wearing a fashionable rope necktie.
}
} Command: pull rope
}
} As you fade into unconsciousness, you begin questioning the wisdom
} of asking the Oracle to get you out of a jam without groveling first.
} Next time, perhaps, you will be sufficiently humble.
}
} Your score:  24 out of a possible 5000 points
} ---
} You owe the Oracle "Doom" for his Apple ][+ (must run in 48K).


770-05    (9qsf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh Oracle most profound through the ages, who has seen fads come
>      and go, and has witnessed the rise and fall of fools, kings, and
>      presidents, answer me this ;
>
>      If Bill Gates was sitting in his office and the light bulb blew,
>      would he change the light bulb,  or simply make the darkness the
>      new standard ?
>
>      And if Darkness were to become the standard, would he release this
>      standard at midnight one day after a phenomenal advertising blitz
>      that leaves the world in a dumbfounded state ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Erm.  This might well be the case, but in fact Bill puts on his pants
} one leg at a time just like the rest of us, and after a two year
} wrangle with the Justice Department and issuance of a consent decree,
} the light bulb would be replaced on the condition that the new one
} never burn out like the old one did.


770-06    (6lsfd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, seer of scenes, knower of nose, hearer of hearsay, smeller
> of smells, feeler of feelings, toucher of touche`s, walker of the walk
> and talker of the talk. Please, grant this poor seeker a small portion
> of the light of your infinite wisdom. I've searched the dictionary.
> I've asked my friends. The Wordsmith had no answer. My MAN pages
> provide no clue. A lit search finds only references to the great and
> powerful Usenet Oracle. And so I come before you, a humble supplicant
> to ask a simple question.
>
> What is the meaning of koan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a crunchy baked good, available in "regular," "sugar," or "waffle"
} varieties.  Several scoops of ice cream can be packed into a koan--less
} in the "regular" variety, more in the "waffle" variety (which typically
} costs more than the others).  The koan is held in one hand, often with
} a napkin wrapped around its lower portion, and the ice cream which
} protrudes above the top is eaten first; then, the ice cream which is
} packed inside the koan is eaten together with the koan.  The napkin is
} not eaten; rather, it is discarded, usually on the ground in front of
} the ice cream store.
}
} You owe the Oracle two scoops of French vanilla and a spelling
} dictionary.


770-07    (2dwqa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, who knows all the plans of the Pentagon,
>  Who knows everyone in all the governments of the world by name,
>  Who knows every intracy of the law,
>  Who managed to solve "Myst" in one sitting....
>
>  Oracle, I have a deep seated desie to take over the world.  By right
>  of superiour intellect, I have the duty to place myself on a pedestal
>  and lead this planet into the 21st century!
>  Now, I have made several attemps, but have managed to get frozen,
>  crushed, discredited, slapped with tomatoes, run over by race
>  horses, stmapeded by giant lederhosen clad dancers, embaresed on
>  national television and turned into a giant piece of Swiss Chesse.
>  In desperation, I ask you on bended knee (and I don't grovel well!),
>  what, mightly Oracle, is the proper way for me to take over the
>  world?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BAM!
} NEW!
} POW!
} FAST!
} KA-BLAM!
} EASY TO USE!
} SPLA-POOIE!
} AND ON SALE AT A STORE NEAR YOU!
}
} That's right, it's K-Tel's new World Domination in a Box!  It slices,
} it dices, it forms small independant revolutionary cells networked and
} organized through protected internet sites!  You can even cut a tin can
} with it!
}
} It's the perfect tool for any job!  Mow the lawn in seconds! Re-grout
} your bathroom tile!  Assassinate your boss from the other side of the
} city!
}
} For only US$19.99, you too could hold the ultimate power in
} the civilized world! Topple Governments!  Resurrect Bing Crosby!
} Resurrect Bill Cosby!  Get your own cable access channel!  Rig your
} nose for quadraphonic surround-sound!  It's all possible with World
} Domination in a Box!
}
} For just ten extra dollars, purchase the Illuminati Option, and have
} instant access to all other World Domination in a Box sets ever sold!
} Get a pen-pal! Make new friends!  Controll the destinies of billions of
} unsuspecting pawns through your network of cronies and amoral power
} mongers!  Hours of Family Fun!
}
} Comes with 1 year limited warranty.  Batteries not included.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Life and Grumpy Times of Boris
} Badinoff, by Rockett J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle Q. Moose.


770-08    (5frlf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O indoubtable Oracle, whose redoubts are undoubtably doubtfree,
>      please deign to spend more than 3 seconds on my waspish wish:
>
>      My last query was carefully worded, contained at least 5
>      references to popular culture, and opened the avenue to many a
>      high-brow-humorous reply.  Your answer was short, crude, and ended
>      not in a clever demand for goods tangentially refered to in your
>      previous retort, but in the words, "See ya!"
>
>      I mean, "See ya!"  Really!  I am flabbergasted.  I have not the
>      vocabulary to express my utter disappointment with your reply and
>      my growing concern for your continued aptitude for this job.
>      Lately, if it hasn't been barfed-out one-liners from the Oracle
>      Answer-O-Matic, it's been crappy conundrums carved out of C++.
>      "See ya!" indeed.
>
>      I demand better!  I demand a recount!  I demand no taxation
>      without representation, and furthermore, I demand satisfactory
>      answers to my questions!  No more ramming tattered common wisdom
>      down my throat!  I want bread and circuses, dammit!!!!
>
>      And look, to make things ("things" being a worthwhile reply on
>      your part) easier, lemmee point out a couple of things in the
>      above rant:
>
>      Para. 1:  Lookit -- a play on the word "doubt" -- the whole
>      doubting-the-life-beyond thing that humans do so much and that
>      amuses immortals like yourself to no end, and a play on the whole
>      rest of the letter, which is doubting your competence.
>
>      Para. 1, con't:  "3 seconds" -- a realization that if the Oracle's
>      answering questions this time of day, he's probably doing so by
>      stealing precious time away from his day job and can't devote
>      quite the time to his answers as he would if I asked, say, 7-ish.
>      Also, "wasp", i.e. W.A.S.P. -- as in, who's really doing the
>      asking and answering around here, anyway.
>
>      Para. 2:  "See ya!" -- an opening for many a rant and rave (and,
>      oddly enough, convenient excuse) about AOL terrorists sneaking in
>      and pounding randomly away on your holy keyboard, unbeknownst to
>      you and your recumbent woman-Friday, Lisa.
>
>      Para. 3: Play on "C++" and "See ya!" -- In other words, one line
>      with no thought is worth about as much as six pages of
>      pseudo-computer gibberish, and is about as funny.
>
>      Para. 4:  All sorts of opportunities to make fun of the American
>      political system, of Our Founding Fathers Who Thought It Really
>      Neat to Dress Up Weird and Dodge Taxes at Three Oclock in the
>      Morning, and of P.T. Barnum, who, when you think on it, really
>      walks hand-in-hand with the American political system.  Also,
>      "common wisdom" is a graph in USA Today, which is a joke in and of
>      itself.
>
>      Postscript over-explanations:  "Lookit the brain.  Uh-huh-huh,
>      huh-huh.  My liver.  My liver."
>
>      So there's humor all over this letter, waiting to explode out on
>      to the printed page, er, screen.  But, I'm not expecting anything,
>      or rather, I'm not expecting anything with a reasonable ratio of
>      capitato lower-case letters, iF YoU KnOW whAT i MeAn.
>
>      Oracle, sir, you disappoint me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Irate Supplicant,
}
} Well, personally, I am disappointed that someone with your poingnant,
} sarcastic sense of the sublime, received such and unsatisfactory
} response from one of my previous incarnations.
}
} A three second answer, complete with See Ya!  How droll, crass, and
} superbly unOraculish - that incarnation will answer to the Board of
} Computer Oraculaties for the oafish behavior displayed.The maximum
} penalty is death by ZOT - bestowed by the supplicant placing the
} complaint - the ultimate humiliation for an incompetent incarnation.
}
} Accept my humble apologies that your sense of fair play has been taxed.
} Representing you at the Board of Oraculaties will be none other than
} the fair minded, fair haired, wasp waisted maid - Lisa (beautiful
} woman/W.A.S.P.reference).  Of course, to be faire (circus reference) -
} the obtuse oracle (one not deserving of a capital O), has his choice of
} a defense team (current event reference).  It's just a stab in the
} dark, (another current event reference), but scuttlebutt has it that
} Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey (another circus reference) are vieing
} for the position.
}
} As to the rant and rave on AOL Terrorists - need I remind you that
} these two words together form an oxymoron (another apt description of
} an AOLer).  I have just been so busy lately that I have relied on the
} management technique of delegating (another taxation w/o representation
} reference) - and your question got delegated to the wrong person.  But
} this will happen no more, I have taken your letter to heart, and shed
} blood, sweat and tears (bodily functions reference) while creating the
} ORACLE HUMOROUS RESPONSE POLICY.  To wit "All answers must be funny and
} have a clever demand for supplicantal payment".  Of course, this is
} just the meat of the policy (clever reference to food), which is
} sandwiched (bread reference) in between lines of legalese demanded by
} the Board of Computer Oraculaties (reference to boring computerese
} oraculaties).
}
} Bear (another circus reference) in mind, that this is just a draft copy
} (reference to drinking).  This policy still needs to go before the
} Board for approval, before posting to all potential in carnations
} (flower reference).
}
} I am anticipating that this policy will be pass through (another body
} function reference) the Board without any argument.
}
} Sincerely Yours,
}
} T.U.O.
}
} BTW - You owe the Oracle a copy of Crime and Pun ishment.


770-09    (2jqme dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise entity in the known web,,
> Answer me this question. Please, so that I can rest
> my humble soul.
>
> What is the question to the answer 42?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Douglas Adams was writing a book
} And the cover had a nice look
} But all of those pages
} Were taking him ages
} And he didn't have quite what it took
}
} The publisher was quite a bore--
} Wanted extra pages galore
} Asked Adams one night
} "Let me get this right,
} You want how many pages more?!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride on a Happy Vertical People Mover.


770-10    (k6hog dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O the mighty one, please enlighten me on this.
>
> Why was Indiana named so? Do many Indians reside there? If yes, then
> which type: the Eastern ones or the Columbus' discoveries?
>
> Since, you reside there I expect an authoritative answer..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh...I think I see where you could be confused. No, you see, Indiana
} was in fact named after a British tampon company.
}
} You owe the oracle a 12-pack of In-Diana extra absorbancy tampons.


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