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Internet Oracularities #771

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771, 771-01, 771-02, 771-03, 771-04, 771-05, 771-06, 771-07, 771-08, 771-09, 771-10


Usenet Oracularities #771    (84 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 00:11:02 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   771
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

771   84 votes aosh5 4jyk7 3hBj8 148qJ 8yt85 35epB clnl7 3euji 4omr7 bjrgb
771   3.2 mean  2.8   3.1   3.1   4.3   2.6   4.0   2.9   3.4   3.1   3.0


771-01    (aosh5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> are there topic rooms where I can directly chat with miscellaneous
> people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people of Miscellania are poor but proud. They deeply resent being
} perceived as a novelty, or being approached by bored curiosity seekers
} such as yourself. They might appear friendly at first, but it's the
} better to draw you in and eventually do you in. I am not going to be
} responsible for another disappearance. There's a lot more that goes
} on in those topic rooms than meets the eye, and you don't want to go
} there if you know what's good for you. Oh, and by the way, next time
} you're addressing the Oracle, do yourself a favor and GROVEL.


771-02    (4jyk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Wise, Wonderful, and Witty Oracle, for whose knowledge I am
> barely fit to be a receptacle, grant me the answer to my plaintive
> query:
>
>       How _does_ AOL manage to create billions of trial disks? They
> simply ignore the law of conservation of matter. I just don't
> understand it...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it'a quite simple.
}
} Every time AOL creates a trial disk, they take the matter from then end
} of time (They have this machine, you know.)
}
} Doing that, of course, creates a bit of a problem with enthropy, but,
} as they say: "Hey, it really doesn't matter until the end of time."
}
} That is true.
}
} It is also true, that every disk created moves the end of time a bit
} backwards.
}
} The end of time is by now placed Next thursday, somewhere around
} teatime GMT.
}
} You owe the Oracle an escape capsule.


771-03    (3hBj8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wonderful Usenet Oracle who knows all and tells more, please
> advise me.
>
> My friends have told me about a rather odd concept they believe in. I
> don't quite know how to put it into words. It seems to revolve around
> ingesting dead plants and animals for protein at regular intervals. If
> you could tell me more about this concept, what it ought to be referred
> to as, and your opinions regarding its metaphysical existence, I would
> be much appreciative.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, some mortals seem to believe strongly in this bizarre ritual.  It
} often involves complex and obscure preparations, involving one or more
} of the following:
}
} - Trips to strange blindingly-lit buildings where stores of these dead
}   parts are obtained in exchange for bits of paper and metal, while
}   "Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits" are played from hidden speakers.
} - Complex assemblages of equipment, some fixed, some portable, for
}   heating, chilling, slicing, dicing, and cutting ham and turkey so
}   thin your in-laws will never come back.
} - Group assemblages, preceding which those involved bow their heads in
}   shame and remorse at having treated their fellow organic lifeforms
}   shabbily.
} - In some cases involving marital distress, throwing of the prepared
}   parts at one's spouse.
} - Ingestion of large quantities of dilute ethanol, causing Uncle Billy
}   to leap upon the table and perform Scottish fish-slapping dances.
}
} Those involved in these practices call it "eating and drinking."
} Myself, I call it a damned shame and a poor reflection on the way
} organic life conducts itself towards its fellow snails, ants, squid,
} sea cucumbers, parsnips, turnip greens, Rocky Mountain oysters, Spam,
} etc etc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bag of barbecue Fritos and a tin of bean dip.


771-04    (148qJ dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> win95

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lose$95


771-05    (8yt85 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omnipotent, undying, all powerful sea of knowledge, which
> can also be refered to as the mighty oracle, please answer my question!
>
> Will Kelly ever be mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MINE pron. [AS. min, mine, from min, genit. case of 1st pers. pron.]
} that or those belonging to me: the absolute form of my, used without
} a following noun, often after of, as, a friend of mine, that book is
} mine, mine are better.
}
}         People, (emulating their betters, the most superior race
} on this planet - otherwise known as the race of CATS), never BELONG
} to anyone.  They come and go as they please, and give and receive
} affection when they are inclined to so do.
}
}         No, Kelly can never be "yours" in the true literal sense of the
} meaning of "mine".  But that should, of course, bring to mind your
} logical NEXT question, which has nothing to do with Kelly at all.....
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the book "Morris, My Own
} True Story", and a can of cat food.


771-06    (35epB dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh masterful Oracle, knower of all that is to be known, I have a
> question to ask which may very well affect my future and my
> lifespan.  Should I go to a... friend's birthday party or ask
> this girl I know on a date?  I'd rather go on a date, but maybe
> I'm obligated to, well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       ...To what?  Tap-dance?  Refinish a table?  Make a contribution
} to the Republican Party?  You must be specific.  Give examples.  Show
} your work.
}
}       Well, let me see if I can't help you with a general-purpose quiz
} I've developed for similar situations.  It should help you determine
} whether or not you should ask your female friend for a date.
}
}       Please answer the following questions honestly:
}
} ----------------
} 1:    Please rate your geekiness level:
}
}       A)  What's a geek?
}       B)  I can load and run Windows.
}       C)  GAT C++ d- UL++++$ P+ 3- !n po+(--) D+ s-:+ a- p? u**
}
} 2:    Please rate your degree of physical attractiveness:
}
}       A)  Fabio has tried to have me asassinated.
}       B)  I'm pretty reasonable.
}       C)  I make Tom Petty look like a Greek God.
}
} 3:    Please rate your intelligence:
}
}       A)  I understand the proof to Fermat's Last Theorem.
}       B)  I can usually balance my checkbook.
}       C)  "Potatoe."
}
} 4:    Please indicate your level of cultural development:
}
}       A)  "Hello.  Welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.  I'm Alistair
}           Cooke..."
}       B)  "Space:  The final frontier..."
}       C)  "ARE YOU LISTENING, HULK HOGAN?  I WILL DESTORY YOU NEXT
}           WEEK..."
}
} 5:    Please indicate your culinary preference:
}
}       A)  Chateaubriand medium-rare with a subtly spiced mushroom sauce
}           and a 1966 Merlot.
}       B)  Lemon-herb chicken with rice pilaf and a glass of mineral
}           water.
}       C)  Cheetos and Coors.
}
} 6:    Please indicate your general class of profession:
}
}       A)  "Yes, Mr. Yakamura, we would be delighted to close the deal
}           Monday next..."
}       B)  "Jim, can you fire up the logic analyzer?  The damn debugger
}           is causing more problems than it's solving..."
}       C)  "We're just as interested as you are, your Honor, in seeing
}           this case go to the jury by Labor Day..."
}
} 7:    Please indicate the class of clothing you most commonly wear:
}
}       A)  Armani
}       B)  Calvin Klein
}       C)  Garanimals
}
} 8:    Select the spiritual framework to which you most closely align
}       yourself:
}
}       A)  A synthesis of the Koran, Torah, Bible, Tao Te Ching, and my
}           own personal experiences in this life.
}       B)  The Bible.
}       C)  Dianetics.
} ----------------
}
}       Now, score each answer as follows:
}
}       A) 256 points
}       B) PI points
}       C) -(i^2) points
}
}       Multiply the score of each answer by the square root of its
} ordinal number.
}
}       Now, take all the answers whose ordinal number is even but not
} evenly divisible by three and add them together to get an X-axis value.
} Take all the answers whose ordinal number is evenly divisible by
} three but not by two and add them together to yield a Y-axis value.
} For all other answers, discard the results; they were red-herrings.
}
}                 ^________________________________________
}           9.001 |       |                 /|             |
}                 |       | Write questions/ |             |
}                 | Visit | to The Oracle /  |             |
}             F   |Parents|        /\    /   | Libertarian |
}                 |       |       /o \--* S  |             |
}             u   |       |------/o   \   l  _--_          |
}                 |-------+      \   o/\  e '    `         |
}             r   |   \_          \ o/  \ e( Date )        |
}                 |     \_ Attend  \/ o  \p "-__-"         |
}             l   |       \_ party  \  o /   |             |
}                 | Watch   \_       \  /----+-------------|
}             o   | TV all    \ __    \/                   |
}                 |  day       ]  ---__|    Play Doom      |
}             n   |____________|       +___________________|
}                 |          \  Drink  |______             |
}             g   | rn        \heavily_|      |            |
}                 | alt.       \     /        | Oaklahoma  |
}             s   | binaries.   >---<   Do    |            |
}                 | pictures.  /     \__ your +------------|
}               9 | erotica   /  lint   \ laundry          |
}               +----------------------------------------->
}                 -3                              6.02*10^23
}                            F o r t n i g h t s
}
}       Finally, print the above chart out on a piece of paper.
} Using the X- and Y-axis values you computed earlier, find the
} corresponding location on the chart and mark it.  Then throw it away
} and try not to think about it.  You'll be glad you did.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a recursive DIR listing of your entire
} hard drive.


771-07    (clnl7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> askme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, after all these years a supplicant who is not demanding an answer.
} My heart warms.  It is so good to see a person who is not demanding and
} pounding on my door with "Me, me me"  "Why, why why?"  "Tell me, tell
} me, tell me."
}
} Unfortuanately, you forgot to grovel so I shall have to *ZOT* you.
} It's standard practice you know.  Nothing personal.
}
} ZOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle a request for the correct use of the Temple of
} Oracle.


771-08    (3euji dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Creative Writing Lesson LXI
>
> Today's bonus word is "logarithm".  Please use it at least once in
> completing the following paragraph.
>
> "Victoria could not concentrate.  Gently she sighed as the music
> swelled in a violent crescendo, intruding its presence into her
> consciousness like a determined gazelle.  Later that evening,...."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .... the music continued, but at a staggared beat.  The natives' music
} was somehow different.  She went out and asked the chief why the music
} changed and he replied:
}    "You see-um, new drummer for tree trunk who have no experience
}     come in at dinner.  Drummer no experience - drummer no logarithm."


771-09    (4omr7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Whose ears are wet-willie-proof,
> Who needs no introduction...
>
> Why is this Monday called 'Labor Day' if no one is going
> to be doing any work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The holiday is actually commemorating the end of the "dog days"
} of summer.  Taking one breed as the representative for all breeds,
} it was originally called "Labrador Retriever Day," but the "rad"
} and the "retriever" portions escaped through a hole in the fence.
} They were last wearing a red collar with a blue City of Bloomington
} license tag; if you see them, E-mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu with a
} subject line of "found."
}
} The Oracle might owe you a $50 reward.


771-10    (bjrgb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will i get along alright in my new school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, only the short alrights will
} be handed out in your new school.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rimshot.


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