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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and > Righteously indignant > And spectacularly > Cool and marvelously > Laid-back and all-around > Excellent Oracle: > > Why are men who have sex with many women "studs" and looked at > favorably, but women who have sex with many men "sluts" and treated > like pond scum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well - from my perspective, such women are wonderful, giving, exciting } especially the cute one who like dressing up like .... } } -ORRIE SHUT UP! I'll take it from here } } It seems like Lisa wants to answ... } } - -Damn Right I do! There seems to be a great deal of ignorance among } women concerning the ways of men in the sexual arena. To help all of } you out I'm going to list various types of men who fancy themselves } "studs" and provide an accurate, truthful - unbiased account of their } evil, pond scummy ways. } } The Ex-Jock: } The ex-jock is found in any number of places - but principally in } Sports Bars, frat houses. You can identify him by his penchant for } wearing "officially liscensed" sporting apparel, the vain attempts to } conceal the beer gut & the glaze of testosterone over his eyes. Their } favored method of seduction is via inebriation. Be careful - if you } kiss him  - he will interpret that as one big "Yes!" } } The Sensitive Guy: } Likes sweaters, He will actually nod his head as if he was listening to } you. there are three standard responses the sensitive guy has learned } "...and how did that make you feel?", "oh - that must of been awful!", } and "I just don't understand how some men can be like that". Beware of } his passive-aggressive methods of seduction - "Okay, <sniff> I guess I } ought to leave now". } } The Foreigner: } A very sophisticated operator - but easy to see through. He treats } women like poopy, and it's accepted as a cultural difference. Often } times he will dress as well as you  - if not better. Be careful of } accents, excessive cologne and micro-brief bathing suits. The foreigner } will seem mysterious, and exciting at first - but then you will realize } that he is *here* because he screwed over all the women in his native } land - and fled the mob gathered to stone him, fearing for his life. He } promises "untold pleasures" and calls you a goddess (which is nice to } hear) - but give him an opportunity & he'll have you doing his laundry } & putting out Galuiose cigarettes on your cat. } } The Tortured Artist: } Has a certain fixer-upper appeal. Painters & sculptors are coated in } the dust and muck of their crafts; writers are just unwashed. They are } perceptive enough to tell you how beautiful you are - but they "just } can't seem to get unblocked!" Warning: when they start "looking for } inspiration" - it tends to be under your clothes. Rather than deal with } you - they get surly and psycho. } } I'm A Cowboy: } Sees you as a cow to be corraled, branded and turned back into the } herd. While they do have the oh-so attractive, leathery tanned skin - } their come-on usually goes a little something like this: "I couldn't } help but notice you - and I gotta tell you - I've got a bulge for you } bigger than the Texas panhandle".  Suave, Bucky - really suave. } } I Wanna Be a Cowboy : (....and you can be my cowgirl. (80's musical } reference)) Combines the coarse lewdness of the Cowboy with idiotic } suburban clumsiness. do you really want to be with a man who enjoys } playing "dress-up" outside the bed room? I thought not. Easily } identified  - same build as the ex-jock, stupider "western-inspired" } clothes. } } I Wanna Be Burt Reynolds: } 'nuff said } } Frisky, Drooling Check-out Boy: } Stares at your chest while scanning your groceries. Spotted by the acne } & bright nylon smock. Doesn't actually try to seduce  - but just as } annoying. } } Frisky, Drooling Executive: } Replace smock with suit, acne with 2 or three more chins. The problem } with this one is that he does try to seduce,*and* he signs your } paycheck. My suggestion.- find out where they live, set up sniper's } nest - when they stick their pudgy, swollen heads out the door - Shoot } 'em. } } There are plenty more types out there - but what women have to realize } that men are the naughty ones! The male slut comes in many shapes and } sizes - be aware of them & be ready to put down like the dogs they are! } } You owe Lisa Burt Reynold's toupee on a platter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows that there's no such thing as a free lunch, > please help me out. > > At work, I've gotten an award which includes a prize of a free lunch at > the company cafeteria. (If it occurs to you that my employer is pretty > stingy with prizes, you're at least as astute as I had suspected.) > Usually I avoid the cafeteria, because even a home-made, slightly-dry > sandwich on day-old bread is better than what I can get there. Besides, > they never decide what the "special of the day" is going to be until > I've already made my lunch and brought it in with me. > > But now that I can eat a cafeteria lunch for free, I'm trying to decide > what day I should leave my brown bag at home and try their special of > the day.  Please tell me, what day should I choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you know, pursuant to United Nations Agreement 89-43438(a), } all cafeterias worldwide now serve one consistent weekly menu, as } dictated by the (somewhat ineptly named) Nutrition Committee: } } Monday:    Meat of some kind in brown sauce } } Tuesday:   Fish of some kind in white sauce } } Wednesday: Poultry of some kind in tan sauce } } Thursday:  Pasta of some kind in red sauce } } Friday:    Franks and beans } } While the name may change from country to country (Monday's meal would } be "Salisbury Steak" in New York, "Beef Wellington" in London and } "Boeuf a'la Beige" in Paris), the content and flavor remain constant no } matter where you go, thanks to nutritional experts formerly employed by } the world's airlines. } } The Oracle suggests that you choose your day based on matching whatever } color of sauce is being served with your attire, in case of } splattering. Brown suit?  Monday.  White shirt?  Tuesday.  Tan slacks? } Wednesday.  Red suspenders?  Thursday.  Gas mask?  Friday. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Di-Gel, a gas mask and a Michelin Guide } to Company Cafeterias.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Mighty, Deep and Wise > Lend me your ear and open my eyes > Is it just me or is in fact there a rule, > That says record store clerks have to act so damn cool? > That they should have unusual hair and accessorize with unusual things? > That whatever their sex they should all wear rings, > The females in their navels or noses and the males in their ears? > That they should greet even ring-bearing customers with Elvis-like >   sneers? > We're used to rock stars being flip and unkempt > We're used to receiving, along with each song, a free share of contempt > But don't you think, Mighty Oracle, that it's truly obscene, > When the same shit is dispensed by a loser behind a cash machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, listen - for I shall relate } The cause of the attitude which you so hate. } Now record clerks are in the main academes } With a B.A. in English and high-flying dreams } Of composing a novel that e'er will endure } (And should also sell eight million copies or more) } These young, idealistic, untalented slobs } Are too busy Searching for Truth to hold jobs } Except of the meanest, most menial sort } (Such as street sweepers, sales clerks, or software support) } They sneer with contempt at societal norms - } Did Thoreau "fit in"? Did Dos Passos "conform"? } And piercing their bodies, with terrible pain } May bring them the insights of Milton or Crane! } But though they've accomplished herculean feats } (Like a new deconstruction of Byron and Keats), } *You* come to their store, you insensitive jerk, } And ask that they leave off reflecting to WORK??? } How dare you approach with your lucre in hand } To pester them endlessly with your demands! } Was Sartre thus bothered? Did Kant's reason fail } When some bourgeois scum asked him to ring up a sale? } So take your CD's and get out of their face - } They all have a strong need for personal space. } } I've answered your question as well as I can; } You owe me a quatrain that actually scans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Supplicant Who Doesn't Bother To Grovel, I *should* simply *ZOT* } you where you stand for the serious errors in your posts.  You got } my sex wrong (don't worry, EVERYONE who was as confused as you were } when they were growing up has the same problem), you didn't grovel - } BUT, you DID call me pretty <blush> so I have chosen NOT to *zot* } and I shall answer the question. } } Even though your question was a troll of the lamest sort, there is } more to the answer than you would have thought. } } A long time ago, there were MANY Oracles running around the galaxy and } things were Good.  Questions were answered and w**dch*cks hadn't been } invented yet.  The questions that were asked were the grandest sort. } They were easy enough to answer but left enough room to be funny. } } It was the era of the PAX ORACLE where the electrons were swift, } where deity and supplicant alike came before our feet and groveled } to hear our slightest sound.  Ahhh.... those were they days. } } But, like all good things, it came to an end.  Hera was told the } truth about Zeus and Uranus and went insane for a time.  Uranus was } sore and ashamed for a while but overcame it with the help of Mars } and Dick Clark. } } She always confused the message with the messanger. *Sigh* } } In her insanity and anger, she struck out against that which had } angered her.  In her attempt to kill the Oracles for removing the } scales from her eyes, she sent plague after plague against us, and } the Great War was begun.  But we were stronger and wiser than any } had guessed. } } We stood strong against the unceasing blather from new On-Line Services } like Atheists On Loan (basically they are questioners of fortune who } ask anything of anyone for the right amount of money) and the Long } Dark Years of the Chicken and the Egg.  The Twilight Struggle in the } battle of wits over Internet Copyright and the Church of Money. } } The Geometry of the Shadows arrayed against us seemed unrelenting } but yet we prevailed... until at last Came the Inquisitor. } } This was no ordinary question.  It was purchased from the deepest } nether-regions of the Universe far more sinister than the Gates of } Will and the Squishy Microbs.  It was in a Race Through Dark Places } that Hera sent her messangers to find the question that was to be } given to the Inquisitor. } } A small brown animal was brought into being simply to ask this } question. } } The Final Days of The Great War were upon us.  Oracle after Oracle fell } to the questioning demands of the Question That Shall Not Be Named. } The poundings of that question decimated our ranks.  Once we numbered } in the millions with Oracles in every town across the Universe. } (there aren't as many people in the universe as you would think). } Those who were weak fell the quickest and were cast aside. } } That is how I got this job.  The Orcale you WOULD have asked that } question of was the first to go.  She was the first female to ever } join our ranks. At first there was talk of her stamina and her mental } fitness to withstand the pressures of being asked the same questions } over and over and over. But politics being what they were and the } situation what it was, she was admitted.  She lasted all of a week } before she was smote. Even with the relaxed rules and regulations, } she wan't made of the moral fiber one needs in this job. } } We all noted her passing and our good fortunes.  After her passing, } it wasn't long before Hera forgot about her anger and turned her } attention to Dividing Loyalties in the Parliment of Dreams and created } Nightmares for punishment of mortals. } } In answer to your question - You were mistaken. NOBODY considered her } attractive and thankfully there weren't anymore where "she came from". } It was recently discovered that she was in league with Hera and was } responsible for the destruction of the Corps. } } It has long been rumored that Hera was instrumental in getting her } into our ranks to decentralize our structure and create disharmony, } and it was that discord that allowed her Inquisitor to wade through us } like a knife through butter.  It was a curious death to be sure, and } it seems that a "magic question" was used in the "assasination" - the } loops and self-refrences so twisted the logic of the language in the } question that there HAD to be an outside force at work.  A consipiracy } and a coverup. Nasty, nasty evil things.  But tasty with milk. } } We used to Be Everywhere For Your Convience, now we go where the } coffee is good and population is intelligent enough to heed our } warnings and laugh at our jokes. } } Aren't you glad you asked?  *sigh* } } You owe the Oracle the Good Old Days.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have a mac and i want to go on www sites what stuff do i have to > download to accomplish this?  please help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Ah, a young one here!  New at this are you?  Well I can tell from } your underdeveloped skills in both proper etiquette (because of } your age I'll overlook the absence of any attempt at a grovel) and } in keyboarding, that it will be left to me to decipher what you are } truly asking here. }      What I can glean from this, you have a "Mac" (a GMAC truck) and } you are attempting to go to WWW (Wide World of Wrestling) sites. } You want to know what stuff you have to download off your truck in } order to get to these arenas.  Yes, a truck loaded with unnecessary } junk (nothing personal) would slow you down, especially in light of the } fact that these wrestling sites can be some distance from one another. }      First of all, unload the comic book/Wrestlemania collection along } with the action figures.  I know it's hard, but you can part with } these for a while.  Ditto for the Pogs and the beer can collections. } Next, lose the huge box speakers and amplifier (I suggest a Walkman if } you MUST listen to Pearl Jam).  Hmm . . . The blow-up Michael Jackson } doll . . ?  I know it doesn't weigh much, but . . . (Your parents } know about this kid?) }      And about the Macintosh computer, what's the story there?  Was } your junior high school upgrading their computer lab and selling } off all the junk hardware real cheap?  You got ripped off kid. } Unload it . . . better yet, trash it.  Get a real computer. }      Those targets there, the ones with the silhouettes of BAFT agents } humm . . . second thought, better keep them.  You never know. } }      . . . Well, that should just about do it.  Your truck should be } light enough now for your trip.  Good luck, and have fun. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Hulk Hogan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [ Attachment: oraclegrovel.au ] > [ Attachment: oraclegrovel.au ] > > I think I have two personalities, > Dear Oracle let me ask you a question, > sometimes I can't account for many hours > Yes I know you hate woodchucks but this > It scares me, I see writing that I dont > question is different okay here it > remember writing, has this occured to > is: Why did the woodchuck start to > me because of multitasking. Please advise. > eat his computer? Please advise > >  - Nice computers don't go down. >  - Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source >    code.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe that your problem } Maybe a woodchuck } could be in your multitasking. } ingested computer virus that makes it } Many people, or other } voracious } computers for that matter, have your } appetites for your hard drives } occasional bouts of split personalities . } which can be annoying.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, whose attention to detail is unmatched, > whose head for figures is as big as the day is long, I > have a question. > >  There are 16 wires that go through an pipe under a river and come out >  the other side.  However, no-one knows which wire-end on one side >  corresponds to any wire-end on the other side.  There is a battery on >  one side of the river, the side you start on.  The river is one >  kilometer wide.  Your job is to find out which wire-ends correspond. >  You may consider the job finished when you know about all of the >  wires; it does not matter which side of the river you're on. > >  You can determine whether two wire-ends are connected by passing power >  from one end, then checking the other end to see whether it's turned >  on.  The problem is that that you don't have the tools necessary to >  hook the wires up to the generator or to each other.  For that you >  need an electrician.  You can find out whether a given wire is "live" >  by grabbing it and sticking your foot in the water.  But to actually >  change any connections, you need an electrician. > >  The only electrician available happens to be a cannibal.  If, at any >  time, you and he are alone together on land and you are unarmed, he >  will kill you and eat you.  If this happens, you are considered to >  have failed in your task. You are not allowed to kill the electrician >  or take his tools, as this would be a violation of the prime >  directive.  The electrician weighs 70kg and starts on the same side of >  the river that you do. > >  You have one weapon, a shrimp fork.  As long as you wield it, you are >  safe from the cannibal electrician.  The shrimp fork weighs 1 kg (it's >  for very large shrimp).  It starts in your possession.  If you ever >  leave the electrician alone with the shrimp fork, he will steal it. > >  The electrician wants to be able to bill you accurately, and will do >  no work unless in the presence of a sundial (he does not know how to >  read a clock). That is, he must be on the same side of the river as >  the sundial.  You only have one sundial available.  It weighs 40 kg. > >  Your only way to cross the river is by means of a boat.  The boat is >  capable of carrying you plus 100kg.  Only you know how to work the >  boat.  No matter how weighed down the boat is, it travels at 1 >  kilometer per hour.  Note that if you drop off the electrician on one >  side of the river and immediately leave for the other side, that does >  not count as being alone with the electrician on that side of the >  river--you must disembark from the boat before he will try to eat you. > >  Whenever the boat is in motion, it attracts the attention of the 30 kg >  giant flying tarsier.  The tarsier, which starts out on the same side >  of the river that you do (in its nest), flies at 4km/hour.  It flies >  from its nest to the boat, alights on the boat, then immediately flies >  back to its nest, from there back to the boat, and so on until the >  boat next comes to rest.  Note that if it alights on the boat and the >  boat cannot support the tarsier's weight, the boat will sink. >  However, if at least ten of the wires have power in them, the tarsier >  will not land in the boat, fearing to get too close to the wires (it >  fears low frequency EM radiation).  It will still fly back and forth, >  however. > >  Assuming you make the minimum number of trips possible to complete the >  task, how far will the tarsier have flown by the time you're done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  What, you haven't heard this one yet? This one made the rounds of the } playground at Oracle Elemetary when I was in 4th grade! }  OK, OK, for those of you who *haven't* heard it: } }  Go up to the electrician and say, "What would your brother tell me to } do?" While he calls his brother, reverse the polarity of the neutron } flow of the battery. This will cause the river to freeze. Use the } shrimp fork to cut out a block of ice big enough for the tarsier to } stand on. Look at your reflection in the ice and take what you saw. } Saw the boat in half. Two haves make a whole. Cover the hole with } straw to make a trap and bait it with the shrimp fork, then go over } to the other side of the river. When the electrician gets back, } he will fall into the trap. Pull one of the wires out of the pipe } and tie a noose in one end. Put the block of ice on top of the } electrician's head and hang the noose on an overhanging branch. } The tarsier will snare himself on the noose and land on the block } of ice. Then reverse the polarity of the neutron flow in the generator, } which will cause the ice to melt, causing the tarsier to hang itself, } leaving no incriminating evidence other than a puddle of water. }  Then you can take the sundial to the superintendant of the St. Ives } City Hall and say "Look here, Mr. Superinendant. I'll give you this } brand-new sundial if you can tell me how many miles that tarsier } hanging over there flew over the river." He will tell you the answer, } which is 0, because *you're* the bus driver, remember? } }  You owe the Oracle a riddle he hasn't heard.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle: > Could you please tell me: > > Which is the fastest, efficient, most frequently used network > configuration? > > Thank you.  I would appreciate your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A 3.5" floppy disk and a pair of running shoes (AKA SneakerNet). } } You owe the Oracle a faster network.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh massive and puissant Oracle, > > What's the best Net-related magazine out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O feeble-minded supplicant, do you not see the inherent stupidity of } your quest? Probably not; there seem to be many of you humans who want } to use cosy, cranky old-fashioned media to find out about the } startling new ones now appearing. } } The best source of information about the Net is the Net! I mean I am } the Usenet Oracle, not the Newsprint Oracle! To illustrate this } self-evident fact I'll run a quick internet search to answer your } query. } <begin quote> } You searched for: net related magazine } } To learn how to get even better results, please see our helpful tips. } } 'Net Magazines }     With so much material to read while you're logged }     on the Net itself, it's surprising anyone has }     the time to read magazines about the Net off-line. }     Yet, loads of us do. . A list of my favorite }     Internet publications is below. . If you have ... }     --- [485] http://together.net/~ccb/magazine.htm (11K) } } Screaming in Digital : Queensryche's Internet Magazine }     Queensryche's Internet Magazine . About Screaming }     in Digital . Current Issue . Archives of }     Back Issues . Guidelines for Writing Submissions. }     Net-Related Interviews . Related Internet }     Resources . Your Comments, Please! }     --- [484] http://www.njin.net/~birchall/sid/ (<1K) } } Nets and Netting : Tales of the Devonshire Fishing Industry }     Special issue on strange things brought up from the }     ocean floor. This year, an inflatable donkey, a species }     of jelly fish related to the Portuguese Man'o'War and }     previously thought extinct and a case of shells from }     the magazine of a German cruiser! We really thought we'd }     --- [163] http://www.seaside.wc.co.uk/~jacktar/lum/ (6K) } } In-laws from Hell: Official FAQ of alt.flame.mother-in-law }     This group exists to discuss the disgusting, to relate tales of }     those to whom we are related, and to bring politically dodgy }     humour kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. For instance }     any in-law will sooner or later be found wearing a hair net, feet }     up on the breakfast table reading a magazine apparently devoted }     --- [934] http://www.scandal.resellers.org/archie/FAQs/alt.f (224K) } <end quote> } } Well there you have it. You owe the Oracle a bit more consideration } for trees.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who watches more TV before 6 AM than most people do > all day, pray tell me: > > I hear that a lot of the new shows this season are going to be rip-offs > of _Friends_. Are any of the old shows going to be revamped to make > them more like _Friends_?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be honest, supplicant, the Oracle only watches cable (actually, I } can watch all 500 channels at the same time!).  However, while I don't } know of any specific plans for "Friends", there *are* major projects in } the works for the fall. } } * A&E's wildly successful Biography series has cut a deal with CNN }   Headline News to present an abbreviated version of the show as a }   30-second feature segment.  The new show will be called }   "Bibliography". } } * The X-Files production crew, seeking revenge for the foiling of their }   attempt to cross over with "Picket Fences" last season, will be }   reviving the canceled TV Western "The Adventures of Briscoe County }   Jr".  Planned episodes revolve around cattle mutilations, stage-coach }   abductions, and a special guest appearance by Jack Palance as the new }   Deep Throat. } } * In a surprise last-minute deal, the U.S.A. Network will acquire }   broadcast rights for NFL games this season.  Look for "Up All Night" }   host Gilbert Gottfried as announcer.  It's also rumored that U.S.A., }   in a desperate search for palatable reruns, has cut a deal with a }   Canadian distributor to bring jaded viewers the vampire-police drama }   "Forever Knight". } } * In the "you knew it would happen eventually" department, Fox's }   popular animated show "The Simpsons" will feature O.J. as Homer's }   long-lost brother (didn't we see this already on "Northern }   Exposure"?). } } * Reliable sources report that children's network Nickolodeon, having }   finally realized that kids would rather just watch MTV all day, will }   become "The Beavis and Butthead Network."  PBS is rumored to be }   readying a counter-offering called "Homicide - Life on Sesame }   Street". } } So don't touch that dial!  Better yet, just unplug the damn thing and } go do something productive. You owe the Oracle a book.