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Internet Oracularities #772

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Usenet Oracularities #772    (80 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 14:44:43 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   772
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

772   80 votes 3eope 27vv9 39kui dmjce 7qse5 6pud6 67hpp 6iref 7rxa3 4iyj5
772   3.2 mean  3.4   3.5   3.6   2.9   2.8   2.9   3.7   3.2   2.7   3.0


772-01    (3eope dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and
> Righteously indignant
> And spectacularly
> Cool and marvelously
> Laid-back and all-around
> Excellent Oracle:
>
> Why are men who have sex with many women "studs" and looked at
> favorably, but women who have sex with many men "sluts" and treated
> like pond scum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well - from my perspective, such women are wonderful, giving, exciting
} especially the cute one who like dressing up like ....
}
} -ORRIE SHUT UP! I'll take it from here
}
} It seems like Lisa wants to answ...
}
} - -Damn Right I do! There seems to be a great deal of ignorance among
} women concerning the ways of men in the sexual arena. To help all of
} you out I'm going to list various types of men who fancy themselves
} "studs" and provide an accurate, truthful - unbiased account of their
} evil, pond scummy ways.
}
} The Ex-Jock:
} The ex-jock is found in any number of places - but principally in
} Sports Bars, frat houses. You can identify him by his penchant for
} wearing "officially liscensed" sporting apparel, the vain attempts to
} conceal the beer gut & the glaze of testosterone over his eyes. Their
} favored method of seduction is via inebriation. Be careful - if you
} kiss him  - he will interpret that as one big "Yes!"
}
} The Sensitive Guy:
} Likes sweaters, He will actually nod his head as if he was listening to
} you. there are three standard responses the sensitive guy has learned
} "...and how did that make you feel?", "oh - that must of been awful!",
} and "I just don't understand how some men can be like that". Beware of
} his passive-aggressive methods of seduction - "Okay, <sniff> I guess I
} ought to leave now".
}
} The Foreigner:
} A very sophisticated operator - but easy to see through. He treats
} women like poopy, and it's accepted as a cultural difference. Often
} times he will dress as well as you  - if not better. Be careful of
} accents, excessive cologne and micro-brief bathing suits. The foreigner
} will seem mysterious, and exciting at first - but then you will realize
} that he is *here* because he screwed over all the women in his native
} land - and fled the mob gathered to stone him, fearing for his life. He
} promises "untold pleasures" and calls you a goddess (which is nice to
} hear) - but give him an opportunity & he'll have you doing his laundry
} & putting out Galuiose cigarettes on your cat.
}
} The Tortured Artist:
} Has a certain fixer-upper appeal. Painters & sculptors are coated in
} the dust and muck of their crafts; writers are just unwashed. They are
} perceptive enough to tell you how beautiful you are - but they "just
} can't seem to get unblocked!" Warning: when they start "looking for
} inspiration" - it tends to be under your clothes. Rather than deal with
} you - they get surly and psycho.
}
} I'm A Cowboy:
} Sees you as a cow to be corraled, branded and turned back into the
} herd. While they do have the oh-so attractive, leathery tanned skin -
} their come-on usually goes a little something like this: "I couldn't
} help but notice you - and I gotta tell you - I've got a bulge for you
} bigger than the Texas panhandle".  Suave, Bucky - really suave.
}
} I Wanna Be a Cowboy : (....and you can be my cowgirl. (80's musical
} reference)) Combines the coarse lewdness of the Cowboy with idiotic
} suburban clumsiness. do you really want to be with a man who enjoys
} playing "dress-up" outside the bed room? I thought not. Easily
} identified  - same build as the ex-jock, stupider "western-inspired"
} clothes.
}
} I Wanna Be Burt Reynolds:
} 'nuff said
}
} Frisky, Drooling Check-out Boy:
} Stares at your chest while scanning your groceries. Spotted by the acne
} & bright nylon smock. Doesn't actually try to seduce  - but just as
} annoying.
}
} Frisky, Drooling Executive:
} Replace smock with suit, acne with 2 or three more chins. The problem
} with this one is that he does try to seduce,*and* he signs your
} paycheck. My suggestion.- find out where they live, set up sniper's
} nest - when they stick their pudgy, swollen heads out the door - Shoot
} 'em.
}
} There are plenty more types out there - but what women have to realize
} that men are the naughty ones! The male slut comes in many shapes and
} sizes - be aware of them & be ready to put down like the dogs they are!
}
} You owe Lisa Burt Reynold's toupee on a platter.


772-02    (27vv9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows that there's no such thing as a free lunch,
> please help me out.
>
> At work, I've gotten an award which includes a prize of a free lunch at
> the company cafeteria. (If it occurs to you that my employer is pretty
> stingy with prizes, you're at least as astute as I had suspected.)
> Usually I avoid the cafeteria, because even a home-made, slightly-dry
> sandwich on day-old bread is better than what I can get there. Besides,
> they never decide what the "special of the day" is going to be until
> I've already made my lunch and brought it in with me.
>
> But now that I can eat a cafeteria lunch for free, I'm trying to decide
> what day I should leave my brown bag at home and try their special of
> the day.  Please tell me, what day should I choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you know, pursuant to United Nations Agreement 89-43438(a),
} all cafeterias worldwide now serve one consistent weekly menu, as
} dictated by the (somewhat ineptly named) Nutrition Committee:
}
} Monday:    Meat of some kind in brown sauce
}
} Tuesday:   Fish of some kind in white sauce
}
} Wednesday: Poultry of some kind in tan sauce
}
} Thursday:  Pasta of some kind in red sauce
}
} Friday:    Franks and beans
}
} While the name may change from country to country (Monday's meal would
} be "Salisbury Steak" in New York, "Beef Wellington" in London and
} "Boeuf a'la Beige" in Paris), the content and flavor remain constant no
} matter where you go, thanks to nutritional experts formerly employed by
} the world's airlines.
}
} The Oracle suggests that you choose your day based on matching whatever
} color of sauce is being served with your attire, in case of
} splattering. Brown suit?  Monday.  White shirt?  Tuesday.  Tan slacks?
} Wednesday.  Red suspenders?  Thursday.  Gas mask?  Friday.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Di-Gel, a gas mask and a Michelin Guide
} to Company Cafeterias.


772-03    (39kui dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Mighty, Deep and Wise
> Lend me your ear and open my eyes
> Is it just me or is in fact there a rule,
> That says record store clerks have to act so damn cool?
> That they should have unusual hair and accessorize with unusual things?
> That whatever their sex they should all wear rings,
> The females in their navels or noses and the males in their ears?
> That they should greet even ring-bearing customers with Elvis-like
>   sneers?
> We're used to rock stars being flip and unkempt
> We're used to receiving, along with each song, a free share of contempt
> But don't you think, Mighty Oracle, that it's truly obscene,
> When the same shit is dispensed by a loser behind a cash machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, listen - for I shall relate
} The cause of the attitude which you so hate.
} Now record clerks are in the main academes
} With a B.A. in English and high-flying dreams
} Of composing a novel that e'er will endure
} (And should also sell eight million copies or more)
} These young, idealistic, untalented slobs
} Are too busy Searching for Truth to hold jobs
} Except of the meanest, most menial sort
} (Such as street sweepers, sales clerks, or software support)
} They sneer with contempt at societal norms -
} Did Thoreau "fit in"? Did Dos Passos "conform"?
} And piercing their bodies, with terrible pain
} May bring them the insights of Milton or Crane!
} But though they've accomplished herculean feats
} (Like a new deconstruction of Byron and Keats),
} *You* come to their store, you insensitive jerk,
} And ask that they leave off reflecting to WORK???
} How dare you approach with your lucre in hand
} To pester them endlessly with your demands!
} Was Sartre thus bothered? Did Kant's reason fail
} When some bourgeois scum asked him to ring up a sale?
} So take your CD's and get out of their face -
} They all have a strong need for personal space.
}
} I've answered your question as well as I can;
} You owe me a quatrain that actually scans.


772-04    (dmjce dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Supplicant Who Doesn't Bother To Grovel, I *should* simply *ZOT*
} you where you stand for the serious errors in your posts.  You got
} my sex wrong (don't worry, EVERYONE who was as confused as you were
} when they were growing up has the same problem), you didn't grovel -
} BUT, you DID call me pretty <blush> so I have chosen NOT to *zot*
} and I shall answer the question.
}
} Even though your question was a troll of the lamest sort, there is
} more to the answer than you would have thought.
}
} A long time ago, there were MANY Oracles running around the galaxy and
} things were Good.  Questions were answered and w**dch*cks hadn't been
} invented yet.  The questions that were asked were the grandest sort.
} They were easy enough to answer but left enough room to be funny.
}
} It was the era of the PAX ORACLE where the electrons were swift,
} where deity and supplicant alike came before our feet and groveled
} to hear our slightest sound.  Ahhh.... those were they days.
}
} But, like all good things, it came to an end.  Hera was told the
} truth about Zeus and Uranus and went insane for a time.  Uranus was
} sore and ashamed for a while but overcame it with the help of Mars
} and Dick Clark.
}
} She always confused the message with the messanger. *Sigh*
}
} In her insanity and anger, she struck out against that which had
} angered her.  In her attempt to kill the Oracles for removing the
} scales from her eyes, she sent plague after plague against us, and
} the Great War was begun.  But we were stronger and wiser than any
} had guessed.
}
} We stood strong against the unceasing blather from new On-Line Services
} like Atheists On Loan (basically they are questioners of fortune who
} ask anything of anyone for the right amount of money) and the Long
} Dark Years of the Chicken and the Egg.  The Twilight Struggle in the
} battle of wits over Internet Copyright and the Church of Money.
}
} The Geometry of the Shadows arrayed against us seemed unrelenting
} but yet we prevailed... until at last Came the Inquisitor.
}
} This was no ordinary question.  It was purchased from the deepest
} nether-regions of the Universe far more sinister than the Gates of
} Will and the Squishy Microbs.  It was in a Race Through Dark Places
} that Hera sent her messangers to find the question that was to be
} given to the Inquisitor.
}
} A small brown animal was brought into being simply to ask this
} question.
}
} The Final Days of The Great War were upon us.  Oracle after Oracle fell
} to the questioning demands of the Question That Shall Not Be Named.
} The poundings of that question decimated our ranks.  Once we numbered
} in the millions with Oracles in every town across the Universe.
} (there aren't as many people in the universe as you would think).
} Those who were weak fell the quickest and were cast aside.
}
} That is how I got this job.  The Orcale you WOULD have asked that
} question of was the first to go.  She was the first female to ever
} join our ranks. At first there was talk of her stamina and her mental
} fitness to withstand the pressures of being asked the same questions
} over and over and over. But politics being what they were and the
} situation what it was, she was admitted.  She lasted all of a week
} before she was smote. Even with the relaxed rules and regulations,
} she wan't made of the moral fiber one needs in this job.
}
} We all noted her passing and our good fortunes.  After her passing,
} it wasn't long before Hera forgot about her anger and turned her
} attention to Dividing Loyalties in the Parliment of Dreams and created
} Nightmares for punishment of mortals.
}
} In answer to your question - You were mistaken. NOBODY considered her
} attractive and thankfully there weren't anymore where "she came from".
} It was recently discovered that she was in league with Hera and was
} responsible for the destruction of the Corps.
}
} It has long been rumored that Hera was instrumental in getting her
} into our ranks to decentralize our structure and create disharmony,
} and it was that discord that allowed her Inquisitor to wade through us
} like a knife through butter.  It was a curious death to be sure, and
} it seems that a "magic question" was used in the "assasination" - the
} loops and self-refrences so twisted the logic of the language in the
} question that there HAD to be an outside force at work.  A consipiracy
} and a coverup. Nasty, nasty evil things.  But tasty with milk.
}
} We used to Be Everywhere For Your Convience, now we go where the
} coffee is good and population is intelligent enough to heed our
} warnings and laugh at our jokes.
}
} Aren't you glad you asked?  *sigh*
}
} You owe the Oracle the Good Old Days.


772-05    (7qse5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: csf <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have a mac and i want to go on www sites what stuff do i have to
> download to accomplish this?  please help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Ah, a young one here!  New at this are you?  Well I can tell from
} your underdeveloped skills in both proper etiquette (because of
} your age I'll overlook the absence of any attempt at a grovel) and
} in keyboarding, that it will be left to me to decipher what you are
} truly asking here.
}      What I can glean from this, you have a "Mac" (a GMAC truck) and
} you are attempting to go to WWW (Wide World of Wrestling) sites.
} You want to know what stuff you have to download off your truck in
} order to get to these arenas.  Yes, a truck loaded with unnecessary
} junk (nothing personal) would slow you down, especially in light of the
} fact that these wrestling sites can be some distance from one another.
}      First of all, unload the comic book/Wrestlemania collection along
} with the action figures.  I know it's hard, but you can part with
} these for a while.  Ditto for the Pogs and the beer can collections.
} Next, lose the huge box speakers and amplifier (I suggest a Walkman if
} you MUST listen to Pearl Jam).  Hmm . . . The blow-up Michael Jackson
} doll . . ?  I know it doesn't weigh much, but . . . (Your parents
} know about this kid?)
}      And about the Macintosh computer, what's the story there?  Was
} your junior high school upgrading their computer lab and selling
} off all the junk hardware real cheap?  You got ripped off kid.
} Unload it . . . better yet, trash it.  Get a real computer.
}      Those targets there, the ones with the silhouettes of BAFT agents
} humm . . . second thought, better keep them.  You never know.
}
}      . . . Well, that should just about do it.  Your truck should be
} light enough now for your trip.  Good luck, and have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Hulk Hogan.


772-06    (6pud6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [ Attachment: oraclegrovel.au ]
> [ Attachment: oraclegrovel.au ]
>
> I think I have two personalities,
> Dear Oracle let me ask you a question,
> sometimes I can't account for many hours
> Yes I know you hate woodchucks but this
> It scares me, I see writing that I dont
> question is different okay here it
> remember writing, has this occured to
> is: Why did the woodchuck start to
> me because of multitasking. Please advise.
> eat his computer? Please advise
>
>  - Nice computers don't go down.
>  - Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source
>    code.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe that your problem
} Maybe a woodchuck
} could be in your multitasking.
} ingested computer virus that makes it
} Many people, or other
} voracious
} computers for that matter, have your
} appetites for your hard drives
} occasional bouts of split personalities .
} which can be annoying.


772-07    (67hpp dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, whose attention to detail is unmatched,
> whose head for figures is as big as the day is long, I
> have a question.
>
>  There are 16 wires that go through an pipe under a river and come out
>  the other side.  However, no-one knows which wire-end on one side
>  corresponds to any wire-end on the other side.  There is a battery on
>  one side of the river, the side you start on.  The river is one
>  kilometer wide.  Your job is to find out which wire-ends correspond.
>  You may consider the job finished when you know about all of the
>  wires; it does not matter which side of the river you're on.
>
>  You can determine whether two wire-ends are connected by passing power
>  from one end, then checking the other end to see whether it's turned
>  on.  The problem is that that you don't have the tools necessary to
>  hook the wires up to the generator or to each other.  For that you
>  need an electrician.  You can find out whether a given wire is "live"
>  by grabbing it and sticking your foot in the water.  But to actually
>  change any connections, you need an electrician.
>
>  The only electrician available happens to be a cannibal.  If, at any
>  time, you and he are alone together on land and you are unarmed, he
>  will kill you and eat you.  If this happens, you are considered to
>  have failed in your task. You are not allowed to kill the electrician
>  or take his tools, as this would be a violation of the prime
>  directive.  The electrician weighs 70kg and starts on the same side of
>  the river that you do.
>
>  You have one weapon, a shrimp fork.  As long as you wield it, you are
>  safe from the cannibal electrician.  The shrimp fork weighs 1 kg (it's
>  for very large shrimp).  It starts in your possession.  If you ever
>  leave the electrician alone with the shrimp fork, he will steal it.
>
>  The electrician wants to be able to bill you accurately, and will do
>  no work unless in the presence of a sundial (he does not know how to
>  read a clock). That is, he must be on the same side of the river as
>  the sundial.  You only have one sundial available.  It weighs 40 kg.
>
>  Your only way to cross the river is by means of a boat.  The boat is
>  capable of carrying you plus 100kg.  Only you know how to work the
>  boat.  No matter how weighed down the boat is, it travels at 1
>  kilometer per hour.  Note that if you drop off the electrician on one
>  side of the river and immediately leave for the other side, that does
>  not count as being alone with the electrician on that side of the
>  river--you must disembark from the boat before he will try to eat you.
>
>  Whenever the boat is in motion, it attracts the attention of the 30 kg
>  giant flying tarsier.  The tarsier, which starts out on the same side
>  of the river that you do (in its nest), flies at 4km/hour.  It flies
>  from its nest to the boat, alights on the boat, then immediately flies
>  back to its nest, from there back to the boat, and so on until the
>  boat next comes to rest.  Note that if it alights on the boat and the
>  boat cannot support the tarsier's weight, the boat will sink.
>  However, if at least ten of the wires have power in them, the tarsier
>  will not land in the boat, fearing to get too close to the wires (it
>  fears low frequency EM radiation).  It will still fly back and forth,
>  however.
>
>  Assuming you make the minimum number of trips possible to complete the
>  task, how far will the tarsier have flown by the time you're done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  What, you haven't heard this one yet? This one made the rounds of the
} playground at Oracle Elemetary when I was in 4th grade!
}  OK, OK, for those of you who *haven't* heard it:
}
}  Go up to the electrician and say, "What would your brother tell me to
} do?" While he calls his brother, reverse the polarity of the neutron
} flow of the battery. This will cause the river to freeze. Use the
} shrimp fork to cut out a block of ice big enough for the tarsier to
} stand on. Look at your reflection in the ice and take what you saw.
} Saw the boat in half. Two haves make a whole. Cover the hole with
} straw to make a trap and bait it with the shrimp fork, then go over
} to the other side of the river. When the electrician gets back,
} he will fall into the trap. Pull one of the wires out of the pipe
} and tie a noose in one end. Put the block of ice on top of the
} electrician's head and hang the noose on an overhanging branch.
} The tarsier will snare himself on the noose and land on the block
} of ice. Then reverse the polarity of the neutron flow in the generator,
} which will cause the ice to melt, causing the tarsier to hang itself,
} leaving no incriminating evidence other than a puddle of water.
}  Then you can take the sundial to the superintendant of the St. Ives
} City Hall and say "Look here, Mr. Superinendant. I'll give you this
} brand-new sundial if you can tell me how many miles that tarsier
} hanging over there flew over the river." He will tell you the answer,
} which is 0, because *you're* the bus driver, remember?
}
}  You owe the Oracle a riddle he hasn't heard.


772-08    (6iref dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
> Could you please tell me:
>
> Which is the fastest, efficient, most frequently used network
> configuration?
>
> Thank you.  I would appreciate your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A 3.5" floppy disk and a pair of running shoes (AKA SneakerNet).
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster network.


772-09    (7rxa3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh massive and puissant Oracle,
>
> What's the best Net-related magazine out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O feeble-minded supplicant, do you not see the inherent stupidity of
} your quest? Probably not; there seem to be many of you humans who want
} to use cosy, cranky old-fashioned media to find out about the
} startling new ones now appearing.
}
} The best source of information about the Net is the Net! I mean I am
} the Usenet Oracle, not the Newsprint Oracle! To illustrate this
} self-evident fact I'll run a quick internet search to answer your
} query.
} <begin quote>
} You searched for: net related magazine
}
} To learn how to get even better results, please see our helpful tips.
}
} 'Net Magazines
}     With so much material to read while you're logged
}     on the Net itself, it's surprising anyone has
}     the time to read magazines about the Net off-line.
}     Yet, loads of us do. . A list of my favorite
}     Internet publications is below. . If you have ...
}     --- [485] http://together.net/~ccb/magazine.htm (11K)
}
} Screaming in Digital : Queensryche's Internet Magazine
}     Queensryche's Internet Magazine . About Screaming
}     in Digital . Current Issue . Archives of
}     Back Issues . Guidelines for Writing Submissions.
}     Net-Related Interviews . Related Internet
}     Resources . Your Comments, Please!
}     --- [484] http://www.njin.net/~birchall/sid/ (<1K)
}
} Nets and Netting : Tales of the Devonshire Fishing Industry
}     Special issue on strange things brought up from the
}     ocean floor. This year, an inflatable donkey, a species
}     of jelly fish related to the Portuguese Man'o'War and
}     previously thought extinct and a case of shells from
}     the magazine of a German cruiser! We really thought we'd
}     --- [163] http://www.seaside.wc.co.uk/~jacktar/lum/ (6K)
}
} In-laws from Hell: Official FAQ of alt.flame.mother-in-law
}     This group exists to discuss the disgusting, to relate tales of
}     those to whom we are related, and to bring politically dodgy
}     humour kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. For instance
}     any in-law will sooner or later be found wearing a hair net, feet
}     up on the breakfast table reading a magazine apparently devoted
}     --- [934] http://www.scandal.resellers.org/archie/FAQs/alt.f (224K)
} <end quote>
}
} Well there you have it. You owe the Oracle a bit more consideration
} for trees.


772-10    (4iyj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who watches more TV before 6 AM than most people do
> all day, pray tell me:
>
> I hear that a lot of the new shows this season are going to be rip-offs
> of _Friends_. Are any of the old shows going to be revamped to make
> them more like _Friends_?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be honest, supplicant, the Oracle only watches cable (actually, I
} can watch all 500 channels at the same time!).  However, while I don't
} know of any specific plans for "Friends", there *are* major projects in
} the works for the fall.
}
} * A&E's wildly successful Biography series has cut a deal with CNN
}   Headline News to present an abbreviated version of the show as a
}   30-second feature segment.  The new show will be called
}   "Bibliography".
}
} * The X-Files production crew, seeking revenge for the foiling of their
}   attempt to cross over with "Picket Fences" last season, will be
}   reviving the canceled TV Western "The Adventures of Briscoe County
}   Jr".  Planned episodes revolve around cattle mutilations, stage-coach
}   abductions, and a special guest appearance by Jack Palance as the new
}   Deep Throat.
}
} * In a surprise last-minute deal, the U.S.A. Network will acquire
}   broadcast rights for NFL games this season.  Look for "Up All Night"
}   host Gilbert Gottfried as announcer.  It's also rumored that U.S.A.,
}   in a desperate search for palatable reruns, has cut a deal with a
}   Canadian distributor to bring jaded viewers the vampire-police drama
}   "Forever Knight".
}
} * In the "you knew it would happen eventually" department, Fox's
}   popular animated show "The Simpsons" will feature O.J. as Homer's
}   long-lost brother (didn't we see this already on "Northern
}   Exposure"?).
}
} * Reliable sources report that children's network Nickolodeon, having
}   finally realized that kids would rather just watch MTV all day, will
}   become "The Beavis and Butthead Network."  PBS is rumored to be
}   readying a counter-offering called "Homicide - Life on Sesame
}   Street".
}
} So don't touch that dial!  Better yet, just unplug the damn thing and
} go do something productive. You owe the Oracle a book.


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