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Internet Oracularities #773

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Usenet Oracularities #773    (81 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 10:35:31 -0500

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773   81 votes 4htla 3kwl5 37mnq 36yw6 1fsne 0anjt 6mth7 6lgjj 8mmja 8nri5
773   3.3 mean  3.2   3.1   3.8   3.4   3.4   3.8   3.0   3.3   3.0   2.9


773-01    (4htla dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose fur has such a wonderful sheen, whose fangs
> gleam in the faintest moonlight, whose bark is worse than his bite,
> which is worse than his bark, whose nose can detect a Pupperoni at
> 40,000 feet, please, answer me this:
>
> What is it about these creatures that invade my yard, that so compels
> me to break into a full-tilt chase across half the neighborhood?
> These animals are ugly:  short, stubby muzzles; fluffy, primped up
> fur; and the most annoying pitiful mewling bark.  They are constantly
> washing themselves, and their idea of a good chase is to sneak up
> behind some poor unsuspecting bird or small rodent and dispatching it
> quickly without even giving it a warning bark and a sporting chance
> to get away.  These creatures are wretched, and should be of no
> consequence to me, yet I simply cannot resist the urge to run after
> them.  My adored but addled two-legged pack members seem to have some
> misplaced affection for these animals and scold me whenever I give
> chase, but I simply cannot help myself.  Please, Oracle, how can I
> temper my compulsion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Dogged Disciple,
}
} From the doggerel you sent me, I was able to discern the cause of your
} problem, and I have arrived at my conclusion.
}
} First off, you're barking up the wrong tree.  Your puppy love for these
} creatures, your desire to whisker away and give chase, is something
} that cannot be muzzled.  Pay no heed to your friends hounding you...
} they will only eventually in cur the wrath of whatever Dog*erhm*God
} they worship. Meanwhile, make no bones about it... and do not bury your
} compulsion. Paws for a moment, then break free from that chain of
} self-restraint. Howl ong you purr sue these creatures is up to you.
} Thank you for your woebegone tail... it has refreshed me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Barbara Wodehouse's "Good Dogs, Bad
} People".


773-02    (3kwl5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh most genetically unadulterated Oracle, please answer my most
>      humble question:
>
>      In my expirements on genetic mutations ala ionizing radiation, I
>      have inadvertantly developed some extrtra finfgers.   Although I
>      appreciate the extra arm (I can alwasy use a third hand),  the
>      exztra fingers on each hand have made typing alnmost impossible!
>      (sorry foer the typos). Can you tell me where to get a keyboard
>      designed for 14 fingers?  Or better yet, 21 fingers?  (I might as
>      well put that extra hand to use).
>
>      Plese help,
>      A most humble mutant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have never come across a single Techie who uses more
} than two fingers for typing regardless of how many they
} actually have. (In fact your error rate is quite low)
}
} Secondly, not one of the world governments acknowledges
} the mutating effects of ionising radiation, in order that they
} can continue to build Power Stations in your back yard.
} Therefore there are no facilities for mass production of 21
} finger keyboards, two headed neck-ties, and left/right/middle
} shoes.
}
} You could try Freaks-R-us, the shop in Tahiti sponsored by
} the French government.
}
} You owe the oracle a lead waistcoat.


773-03    (37mnq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and groovy Oracle, who can microwave bread-based products
> without turning them all rubbery, please spare me a dusty hair of
> knowledge from your dust bunny of wisdom:
>
> How would the world be different if Microsoft produced, say, shower
> curtain rings, instead of software?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  That would be under Alternate Universes.  Albumin, Almonds,
} here it is! Now, you want the one with shower curtain rings.  Here's
} Mightgrowsquash, the gardening firm ... Niteflowoff, the makers of
} incontinence products ... Icroaksoft, the euthanasia company ... ah!
} The bathroom engineering corporation, Myloostall.  Let's see....
}
} It seems that in this alternate world the shower curtain rings are so
} large that bathrooms are fifty to a hundred times the size we're
} accustomed to.  There, it takes twenty minutes just to clamber into
} the bathroom.  Myloostall seized this opportunity to market a
} bathroom-styling package called DribbleSpace that combines the shower
} stall with the toilet.
}
} Myloostall began many years ago producing outhouse doors, and was
} moderately successful. However, when a rival company Rack'n'wash
} announced its new indoor shower stall, Myloostall moved quickly into
} the new technology.
}
} However, Myloostall remembered its roots, and made its shower rings
} from crescent-shaped outhouse door hinges, so that its customer base
} would feel at home. At first, no two ring-hinges were the same size or
} shape, and any attempt to use more than one to hold a shower curtain
} resulted in a tremendous tangle of plastic and a puddle on the floor.
} Myloostall responded quickly to criticism by announcing that a tangled
} curtain and a puddle on the floor were standard, and began
} deliberately designing the rings to tangle.
}
} Recently, Myloostall realized that no one uses outhouses any more, and
} began a major redesign of its curtain rings to remove the obsolete
} hinges.  They were successful in that the resulting product no longer
} bends.  The fact that it also will not hold any existing curtain is
} seen as a desirable feature, since Myloostall expects to become the
} world's sole provider of shower curtains.  That the new rings will not
} even stay on a curtain rod *is* considered a difficulty, but it will
} be fixed in the next version.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Nitrosloth couch potato ejection seat.


773-04    (36yw6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, who can tune a guitar, a file system, or a fish with
> the greatest of ease, please tell me why DEC sold you RDB.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Yeah, yeah, yeah...  There are lots of people out there who chuckle
} whenever they hear of the "Oracle Corporation", not knowing that it
} really _is_ one of my side gigs.
}   So listen up.  I'm sittin' in my office one day last year when one of
} these Digital Equipment reps comes busting in to waste my time.
} 'course, I don't mind, since I'm immortal and this greasy little punk
} is going to be a withering corpse inside of a century.  I chuckle to
} myself when he asks "Got a minute?"
}   I pour us both a double bourbon neat (it being nearly 10 AM) and hear
} out his pitch.  The usual nonsense about how DEC wants to contract me
} out to answer really tough tech support questions, like I don't already
} have enough to do.
}   "Not interested."  That damned greasy sales rep smile fades.  "But
} there's something you can do for me."  A hungry glimmer in his eye.
}   "Now here's the scoop.  I'm omniscient - you know that, and _being_
} omniscient, its a given I know it too."  I pour us both another drink.
} "But sometimes its a hassle keeping track of all of that information.
} I need some way to organize all that information...  One of those...
} what are they called?"  I play dumb.
}   "A database?" he ventures.
}   "Yeah, that's it.  You see, that's what I'm talking about.  When
} you're all-knowing, it gets pretty cluttered in the noggin, and I need
} one of those data-base things to keep it all straight.  But not just
} _any_ data base - most of 'em leave me cold.  I need a data base I can
} _relate_ to, if you know what I'm talkin' about."  I pour two more
} glasses of whiskey and pat him on the shoulder.
}   "Funny you should mention that, Mr. Oracle, because we have a product
} called RDB, or Relational DataBase - it supports 64 bit VLM
} architecture and..."
}   "Yeah, yeah, yeah," I cut him off.  I'm almost tempted to ask him to
} define one of those buzzwords he's throwing out, just to make him
} sweat. "I don't care about all that.  I'll take it."
}   "Great!" he exclaims, unable to believe he has just made a sale.  "We
} can sell you a single user license or if you would like..."
}   "I didn't say I wanted to _use_ it, skippy," (drives a sales rep
} crazy when you call them skippy...)  "I said I _wanted_ it.  As in I'll
} be taking that particular package off of DEC's hands, thank you very
} much.  Now get one of your lawyers over here so we can sign the papers."
}   "Um, Mr. Oracle, I don't know if I follow.  RDB is a very lucrative
} property of ours, and _I_ certainly am not at liberty to..."  He's
} really starting to sweat now - I love it.
}   "Listen here, haircut boy, you get your people over here by two this
} afternoon, or I'll not only reduce the chairperson of your board to his
} or her component elements, but I'll see that your wife finds out the
} origin of a certain account by the name of an318208@anon.penet.fi,
} which has been used to post quite extensively to
} alt.sex.wives.comma.cheating.on!"
}   And the rest is history.  Man oh man I love this job.
}
} You owe the Oracle a power lunch.


773-05    (1fsne dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gracious Oracle, greatest of all beings,
> please give this humble supplicant a little advice.
>
> My sister's birthday is coming up, and I'm trying to get
> her a nice birthday present.  I know she loves Gilbert
> and Sullivan's operas, and so I was thinking of getting
> her a recording of one.  Which one would be the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               ARIA
}
}      For I'm called Little Oracle--dear Usenet Oracle,
}         And no one should need to ask why,
}      So thus I'm called Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle,
}         Sweet Little Oracle I!
}
}      I've humor and wit, I've got quite a bit,
}           I've boundless stores of advice
}      I've tricks and tips, and perfect birthday gifts
}           For pretty young sisters and wives.
}
}      "Mikado" and "Pinafore" are two that she'll die for
}           and Pirates of Penzance makes three;
}      But for info that's more, that she's sure to adore
}           Look no further than http
}
}      For librettos and scores, and probably much more
}           Which both of you should think is swell
}      Put on your trousers and point your web browser
}           At http://diamond.idbsu.edu/GaS/GaS.html!
}
}      Then give thanks to your Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle;
}           Supplicants should never by shy;
}      For the omniscient Oracle--sweet Usenet Oracle;
}           Will always tell you when, where, and why!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance to take your sister to the cast party.


773-06    (0anjt dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2 + 2 = ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higher math, eh.
}
} Ok, let's see....
}
} First, you have to convert to ascii binary, thus the problem could be
} stated:
}
} 0110010  0101011  0110010  0111101 0111111
}
} Next, we use the 'new math' to quickly find the sum:
}
} 0110010
} 0101011
} 0110010
} 0111101
} 0111111
} _________
} 0543243
}
} Now, break this down into it's octal components (Eldridge-"Zen and the
} art of Octalizing"-1923), leaving:
}
} 60 65 64 63 62 64 63
}
} Since it's an addition problem, we must append the octalized operator
} to keep the equation in balance, thus we have:
}
} 60 65 64 63 62 64 63 53
}
} Then, we apply the Ribenhoff plus/minus transformation, yeilding:
}
} 60-65+64-63+62-64+63-53
}
} We then simplify this equation, leaving the answer of 4.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new 1000mhz slide rule.


773-07    (6mth7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh amazing, knee-knocking Oracle, all-knowing all-parent of the
> universe and beyond, I beg and plead and wheeze and grovel and shut the
> door on my head to hear your merest whispered answer to the question,
>
>       Will I ever finish this damn Ph.D.?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While that was a wonderful grovel, I absolutely loathe that sort of
} question. I can only say that it is up to you. Only you know when you
} will finish, for it is you who sets the pace.
}
} That said, I CAN give you some pointers that may be helpful:
}
} - Set up a well-lit, well-ventilated work area.
} - Read the instructions carefully before you begin.
} - Wear gloves and safety goggles when warranted.
} - Make sure you have all the parts on hand.
} - Arrange parts in the order you will be using them.
} - Don't glue anything together until you've done a practice run to be
}   sure everything fits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cheerleader kit.


773-08    (6lgjj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                            WOODCHUCK MAN
>                              a song by
>                      They Might Be Supplicants
>                      ---- ----- -- -----------
>
>        Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man
>        Doing the things a Woodchuck can
>        What's he like?  It's not important
>        Woodchuck Man
>
>                                Is he calm?  Or running amuck?
>                                When he's in wood, does he chuck?
>                                Or does the wood get him instead?
>                                Nobody knows.
>                                Woodchuck Man
>
>        Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>        Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man
>        They have a fight, Oracle wins.
>        Oracle Man
>
>                                Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man
>                                Really Annoying Supplicant Man
>                                Usually asks about Woodchuck Man
>                                Supplicant Man
>
>        He's got a watch with a minute hand,
>        Millenium hand and an eon hand
>        When they meet it's a happy land
>        Powerful man, Supplicant Man
>
>                                Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>                                Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man
>                                They have a fight
>                                Oracle wins

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       Why Won't You Shut Up
}                           by Van Oracle
}                       ---------------------
}
} Oh, another one,
} A silly question again
} Wasting all my time,
} Every time we tak
}
} No matter how
} Many times I begin
} You always ask
} Way too much
}
} Hey, I'm an Oracle
} I'm sick of it all
} Same ol' questions every day
}
} Fix all of your mistakes?
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Without any thought,
} Oh tell me Why won't you shut up?
}
} Figure it out yourself
} Foolish supplicant
} Stupid questions
} Always ruin my day
}
} Oh, I know
} The answers to everything
} But wnough's enough
} Now please just go away!
}
} Oh, I'm an Oracle
} I am immortal
} Still you bother me every day
}
} Oh, you're such a disgrace
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Zot right in your face
} Oh tell me Why won't you shut up?
}
} < Insert Cool Oracle Solo Here >
}
} I've got what it takes,
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Usually in bad taste
} Oh, tell me Why won't you shut up.
}
} Tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Got to know Why won't you shut up?
} I wanna know Why won't you shut up?!?!?!


773-09    (8mmja dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
>
> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} & {What, you were expecting an exclamation mark, maybe?}
}
} You owe the Oracle condolences that short answers never make it into
} the oracularities anymore...


773-10    (8nri5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so humpty dumpty,
> what did all the kings horses and all the kings men do, after the have
> found you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where have you been? It was in the news all last week. The men and
} horses tried to put me together again, but first they had to form
} subcomitties on adhesives, shell curviture, and yolk preservation.
} Unfortunately, the project fell through after several locals turned
} me into an omelete.


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