} Yeah, yeah, yeah... There are lots of people out there who chuckle
} whenever they hear of the "Oracle Corporation", not knowing that it
} really _is_ one of my side gigs.
} So listen up. I'm sittin' in my office one day last year when one of
} these Digital Equipment reps comes busting in to waste my time.
} 'course, I don't mind, since I'm immortal and this greasy little punk
} is going to be a withering corpse inside of a century. I chuckle to
} myself when he asks "Got a minute?"
} I pour us both a double bourbon neat (it being nearly 10 AM) and hear
} out his pitch. The usual nonsense about how DEC wants to contract me
} out to answer really tough tech support questions, like I don't already
} have enough to do.
} "Not interested." That damned greasy sales rep smile fades. "But
} there's something you can do for me." A hungry glimmer in his eye.
} "Now here's the scoop. I'm omniscient - you know that, and _being_
} omniscient, its a given I know it too." I pour us both another drink.
} "But sometimes its a hassle keeping track of all of that information.
} I need some way to organize all that information... One of those...
} what are they called?" I play dumb.
} "A database?" he ventures.
} "Yeah, that's it. You see, that's what I'm talking about. When
} you're all-knowing, it gets pretty cluttered in the noggin, and I need
} one of those data-base things to keep it all straight. But not just
} _any_ data base - most of 'em leave me cold. I need a data base I can
} _relate_ to, if you know what I'm talkin' about." I pour two more
} glasses of whiskey and pat him on the shoulder.
} "Funny you should mention that, Mr. Oracle, because we have a product
} called RDB, or Relational DataBase - it supports 64 bit VLM
} architecture and..."
} "Yeah, yeah, yeah," I cut him off. I'm almost tempted to ask him to
} define one of those buzzwords he's throwing out, just to make him
} sweat. "I don't care about all that. I'll take it."
} "Great!" he exclaims, unable to believe he has just made a sale. "We
} can sell you a single user license or if you would like..."
} "I didn't say I wanted to _use_ it, skippy," (drives a sales rep
} crazy when you call them skippy...) "I said I _wanted_ it. As in I'll
} be taking that particular package off of DEC's hands, thank you very
} much. Now get one of your lawyers over here so we can sign the papers."
} "Um, Mr. Oracle, I don't know if I follow. RDB is a very lucrative
} property of ours, and _I_ certainly am not at liberty to..." He's
} really starting to sweat now - I love it.
} "Listen here, haircut boy, you get your people over here by two this
} afternoon, or I'll not only reduce the chairperson of your board to his
} or her component elements, but I'll see that your wife finds out the
} origin of a certain account by the name of email@example.com,
} which has been used to post quite extensively to
} And the rest is history. Man oh man I love this job.
} You owe the Oracle a power lunch.