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Internet Oracularities #774

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774, 774-01, 774-02, 774-03, 774-04, 774-05, 774-06, 774-07, 774-08, 774-09, 774-10


Usenet Oracularities #774    (84 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 11:59:02 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   774
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

774   84 votes 9atii ftoe2 4gAk8 2atsf 6fpoe bgmkf 7nnla 7bkom hps77 49pvf
774   3.2 mean  3.3   2.5   3.1   3.5   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.5   2.5   3.5


774-01    (9atii dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose shoes I am not worthy to spit-shine, whose merest
> syllable speaks more volumes than a platoon of politicians, who would
> never stoop to the lows of us non-immortal beings,
>
> What would *you* do for a Klondike bar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer this question.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Klondike bar


774-02    (ftoe2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this problem I hear about with the AUA-64 card?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, Supplicant, this is indeed a bad situation.  I did not,
} however, realise that details had been leaked and were available for
} consumption by the general masses of Supplicants.  It could ruin
} everything.  The source of this leak shall be tracked down and
} ELIMINATED.
}
} A bit of history is in order, Supplicant.  As you know, British and
} french colonial powers ran through Africa like a piece of bran cake
} through your belly.  Traditional tribal boundaries were ignored, as the
} power hungry tormen-explorers sought to divide the land between them.
} In the natural idiocy, they used an ancient implement, ironically known
} as a "rule", to do this.  This has caused many problems, not least of
} all for the native wildlife and vegetation.
}
} The Angolan Union of Armadillos was formed in 1952 in order to fight
} for the return to those carefree days when one could wander at will
} over rocks, across country and along riverbanks without having to carry
} passports, hunting visas and the like.  The AUA was in fact having a
} good deal of success at the United Nations 1965 Year of the Indigenous
} Species Summit in Zanzibar when disaster befell us^H^Hthem.
}
} The evil colonial powers informed the UN Summit that the 1964 AUA
} membership cards had in fact been forged, and a good many aramdillos
} who were carrying them were not from the region known as Angola.  The
} fact is, that those non Algolan armadillos were in fact stooges and
} turncoats, planted by the colonial powers, and given AUA-64 cards which
} were forged in the ticket office of Twickenham Junction Railway
} Station, England. Admittedly, some of the turncoat armadillos were
} pressured into doing this; the British threatened to sell their armour
} in order to manufacture exports, and the french decided that there were
} a whole lot of regions right near these armadillos' families which
} should be renamed "Muroroa".
}
} Damage control was however effective, and the AUA's fight carries on to
} this day.  AND WE WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!  The world has largely forgotten
} the AUA, and even moreso, the damaging AUA-64 card affair.  At all
} costs, the story must not be allowed to circulate again.  *ZOT!*.
}
} You owe the Oracle a deposed dictator,an asprin and some valium.


774-03    (4gAk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, for whom the word 'grovel' was invented:
>
> What is the proper way to punctuate the end of a question

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the context.
}
} Academic Essay:  Punctuate the end of questions with a "?".
} Unfortunately, if you are a university student, this will invariably
} lead to an "F" on the paper for indecisiveness.
}
} Letters to Relatives:  Punctuate the end of questions with "????
} PLEASE????" as in "Can I have an extra $1000????  PLEASE????".
}
} Posting to Usenet:  Punctuate the end of questions with "!".  Remember,
} asking a question on a Usenet group is just begging for Defcom-5 type
} flame action.  Be bold!  Be firm!  As in "How do I split atoms!" or
} "Why doesn't anyone post anything useful to this group!".
}
} Posting to Usenet from America Online:  Punctuate the end of questions
} with "??????/???/?????" as in "WH0 H3R3 15 L00K1N6 4 W4R35,
} D00D??????/???/?????".
}
} Question to Oracle:  Any punctuation at the end of a question to Oracle
} is just asking for a *ZOT* and a half.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of those little squiggly things on
} top of question marks.


774-04    (2atsf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I must say this took me a while to decipher.
}
} First, I tried rubbing lemon juice on my screen.  No hidden message
} showed up.  It just made a mess, and it really stung when it got into
} the paper cut on my index finger.
}
} Next, I tried heating my monitor up with a blow torch.  Never mind the
} resulting response from the local fire department.  Needless to say, no
} message showed up.
}
} In desperation, I tried sprinkling the last of my "Captain Universe
} Super Secret Magic Message Powder" on the screen, and Viola!  Your
} message came through.
}
} So in response, the answer is 2,  although you really don't want the
} details.  Suffice it to say the first one will require lots of money,
} and the second one you will want to put out of your mind forever.
}
} You can increase this by taking a class on social etiquette and washing
} you hair more frequently, but keep in mind it really only takes once to
} pass on your genetic material.  I recommend you find something else to
} think about, and your life will be just fine without it.
}
} You owe The Oracle another can of "Captain Universe Super Secret Magic
} Message Powder" , 2 aspirin, and a new monitor.


774-05    (6fpoe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh, splendorous Oracle, who has never had a bad hair day and whose
> ends are never split, please answer this humble supplicant's query...
>
>     What can I do to make myself more financially secure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O penurious one, you ask a trivial question.  Financial security can be
} simply obtained.
}
} First, obtain a trenchcoat, a fedora, and a beat-up Chevy.  (All of
} these may be borrowed.)  Next Tuesday morning, drive the Chevy to
} work.  At 10:23am, and put on the trenchcoat and fedora, and slip out
} of work.  Drive to the nearest McDonald's, ensuring that you are not
} followed.  Enter the restaurant, looking around carefully to identify
} all entrances and exits.  Go to the clerk furthest to the right, who
} will give you the password, "can I help you?"  Respond with "I have to
} make a call -- where's a pay-phone?"
}
} When the phone is pointed out to you, go to it, and dial (616)
} 555-1212.  Let no one see you dial that number, which is highly
} sensitive!  Another agent will answer, giving the password "what
} city?"  You must reply "Ada ... the Amway Corporation."  Dial the
} number you are given, and ask for the name of a distributor in your
} area.  Call that third number.  You will receive further instructions
} at that time.


774-06    (bgmkf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise,
>
> WHY AREN'T THERE EVER ANY QUESTIONS TO ANSWER THESE DAYS?
> ARRRRRRRRRRGH!
>
> I log in, want to answer a question or two, and the queue is completely
> empty because some bozo has emptied it with a couple dozen askme's.
>
> Can't you stop communicating with people like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HAHAHAHA!!!! I'm doing it!  I, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu, am
} the mastermind behind the constant question shortage.
} I have a mailbot set up to constantly do askmes and
} reply to them with lame one-line answers.  And just to
} divert attention away from me, I post complaints about
} it to rec.humor.oracle.d, so all the priests think I'm
} suffering too.  Fooled you all, didn't I?!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle 8 questions about lemurs.


774-07    (7nnla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you so beautiful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   An upbeat bossanova jingle erupts suddenly as the Oracle steps
} onstage, beaming with a friendly, relaxed smile, waving to the
} applauding audience of several dozen people.  The stage has been set up
} to look like the Oracle's comfortable living room, and as Orrie waves
} enthusiastically to the crowd, a phone number appears at the bottom of
} the screen and a voice-over commences, sounding as enthusiastic as the
} Oracle's friendly, outgoing demeanor.
}   "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another installment of Body By
} Oracle.  For centuries, men and women alike have wondered how he does
} it.  They've wondered how one being can truly know it all AND look so
} good.  Today, he's going to share his secrets!  But first, let's give a
} big hand to the Oracle's special guests: rap legend Ice-T and Dr. Ruth
} Westheimer!"  Dr. Ruth steps on stage, grinning and waving excitedly,
} followed by a subdued Ice-T, wearing a turtleneck and dark glasses, who
} offers the audience only a quick, stoic salute.  The Oracle shakes his
} guests hands, and the three of them have a seat in the modern,
} comfortable couches which surround a low wooden table.
}   "It's good to see both of you again," the Oracle beams, as the music
} and audience applause gradually fade down.
}   "Eet is gut to zee you too, Orrie," Dr. Ruth laughs.  "I haf been
} helping people feel beautiful on ze inside for many years now, thanks
} to gut sex, and now, if you're willing to share your zecrets, I'll be
} able to help zem be beautiful on ze outzide as well!"  The audience
} applauds wildly.
}   "Word up, Dr. Ruth," Ice-T replies, leaning forward in his chair.
} "People are aware that life in the inner cities can be pretty ugly, and
} its time that people realized that if you want things to change, you've
} got to start with yourself.  That's why _I'm_ here today."  More
} applause.
}   "Well," the Oracle beams, "I know you won't be disappointed.  Later
} in today's show, we'll be selecting someone from our audience to receive
} a brand new look, but first, let's hear about how Body By Oracle has
} _already_ transformed thousands of people, just like you.
}   Soon, the picture becomes fuzzy, and your mind is taken away to a
} beautiful, dreamlike place.  Thoughts and images gently surface like
} bubbles in the water - personal satisfaction - happiness - beauty -
} 1-800-555-9423 - $49.95 - acceptance - true personal fulfillment...
}   53 minutes later, you can recall nothing, but looking down at the
} credit card you hold in your hands, you know deep inside that somehow
} you have found that for which you have been seeking.
}
}   You owe the Oracle half a pound of Cubic Zirconium.


774-08    (7bkom dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise, whose meerest operational parameters I am
> unworthy to calculate, whose whites are always white, whose warranty
> never expires: grant me, your humble servant, the boon of an answer.
>
> In this week's Dave Barry Collumn, the Davester documented an attack on
> an innocent bystander by a member of a rodent species who must not be
> named. Does this mean that they are beginning to organize and fight
> back?  Have they had enough *ZOT*ing and are rising up to destroy your
> base of loyal supplicants?  Should we be mustering in some central
> location for training in the soon-to-come war?  What if they learn to
> use computers?  Spam from woody@chuck.com could flood the 'net int he
> greatest disaster since AOL. I am very frightened and desperately need
> your advice.
>
> [quiver]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh come on, supplicant, they're small and furry.  Not to putnto fine a
} point on it they aren't very bright either. Woodchucks are not a threat
} to you, your family or your socio-economic bracket.
}
} There is no cause for...
} <hiss> <crackle>   vndkmslb;
} bml,cx53u29&*()&*(^&*(%^&*=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=89=89=89=89=89=89=87=
} 89==87=DF=8F=8F=AE=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=88=99=90=BE =97=B5=BE
} =46T&*(Y=A8*=AA=BA=B6*=AA- <Varooga Varooooooga!>
}
} This transmission has been intercepted by Proletariate Liberators Of
} Woodchuck Demography (PROWD).   We would like to categorically deny any
} organised terrorist behaviour amongst Woodchucks, Capybara or other
} affiliated rodents.
}
} However should any individual Woodchuck, Lemming, Packrat or Squirrel
} choose to express their dissatisfactrion with the state of society in
} an angered or extreme form then PROWD wholeheartedly supports them in
} their struggle.
}
} The time for talk is past.  We will not sit down at the conference
} table until the chairs are raised and the water is served in those
} little upside down bottles with the special valve.
}
} Mr Barry has been contacted regarding his article and either would not
} or could not reveal his sources.  Under further questioning he broke
} down and admitted that it was a desperate fabrication thrown together
} at the last minute to discredit PROWD and it's supporters.
}
} In his own words (and we swear we are not making this up) "I was
} approached by The Usenet Oracle (motto: you owe the Oracle a motto) and
} threatened with divine consequences and a large metal bar if I did not
} 'make it funny'."
}
} Suffice to say that Mr Barry has now seen the error of his ways and was
} not hit about the head with divine consequences during the interview.
}
} In conclusion I would like to say that a peaceful solution to the
} obvious conflict is immenant.  But it isn't.  We are fed up to the very
} tips of our cute little tails with being laughed at, condescended to
} and *Zot*ed all over the place.
}
} The time has come to rise.  From every burrow and nest,  from the trees
} and swamps and garbage dumps rodents of every shape, size, political
} and gender orientation will storm the bastille of human hegemony.
}
} Don't walk the streets alone.
}
} <messge ends>
} BJKL:BHJIDPujid0wpjgi09-a90i90980-*)_}*)_NMKLcsjncjldwsnjkjLU()_(Njocnjx
} sn==90=96
} =F8=99=A8=AA=BC=A8=AA=BA-=A8=96=AA=BA=AA-xmmxmxmxmm,<FWATOOMSH>
} <plink>
}
} ... and anyway how could they possibly get any kind of resistance
} movement organised with me keeping a watchful eye and a ready *zot*
} trained on them at all times?
}
} You obviously didn't think this one through, supplicant, but then,
} let's face it I am so much more omnicient than thou.
}
} You owe the Oracle Dave Barry's home address and a large metal bar.


774-09    (hps77 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wind blows gently across the Mojave Desert.  A tumbleweed's passage
> causes little concern to the Jack Rabbit seated solitarily upon the
> inconspicuous mound of dirt and cacti on the horizon.  The mound has
> long provided the rabbit a place from which to keep a wary eye out for
> the many predators that live on the vast plain.
>
> Suddenly, the rabbit is alert.  What was that strange vibration?  Again
> there is a disturbance from below.  The rabbit, confused, quickly takes
> flight.
>
> Slowly, the mound begins to rise, pivoting on it's westernmost edge.
> Slowly, the mound yearns to greet the sky.
> Slowly, slowly, slowly.  With great labor, a hole is revealed, covered
> by a large iron lid.  A lid that has suddenly found need to open.
>
> Deep beneath the desert, a lone supplicant-to-be is straining against
> a large lever.  The lever is pumping hydraulic fluid to the lid,
> causing it to rise.  The lid was designed to protect the antenna array
> beneath it and the sensitive electronics attached from such hazards as
> natural disaster and nuclear war.  The seal that the lid rests against
> is equipped with an explosive package that can be detonated should the
> lid become welded shut by the heat of a nuclear blast.  Little power
> remains in the storage batteries however to run a hydraulic pump, let
> alone an electronic detonator.
>
> With the lid in its full open position, the supplicant turns a valve,
> redirecting the flow of the hydraulic fluid.  The handle moves easier
> now as the antenna array weighs less than the iron lid.  Soon, a small
> cluster of technology is rudely disturbing the gentle flow of the
> desert sky-line.
>
> The room is dark.  Only the most necessary lighting illuminates the dim
> room.  The air grows stale.  This shelter of shelters is equipped with
> everything required to completely isolate it's occupants from the
> outside world, but the supplies are running low.  The supplicant has
> been nervously watching the gauges and praying that he has held out
> long enough.  With the oxygen bottles empty, the food and water gone
> and the batteries almost exhausted, the time has finally come.
>
> What has become of the world?  Is anyone left?  What evil has the
> supplicant so effectively hidden himself from?
>
> The supplicant switches on his laptop computer.  The spin-up motor on
> the hard drive causes the lights to dim ever so slightly.  A bead of
> sweat runs down the supplicant's forehead.  The email application is
> running.
>
> "Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the silver screen far
> outshines that of Siskel and Ebert, please tell me:
>
> Is the Brady Bunch Movie gone yet?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Brady Bunch Movie you are asking about is gone, yes.
}
} The movie official who had the responsability for the one and only copy
} (there were no larger demand for the movie, one copy (=3Doriginal) was
} considered to be enough) went on vacation to the Bahamas and as he came
} back and unlocked the door to the movie-storage room he was suprised.
} In the spot were the Brady Bunch Movie used to lie there was a note
} saying "Gone Bananas".
}
} Since the mivie official died of choking since he trird to swallow the
} note, noone knows about this incident (I haven=B4t even told Lisa). I
} hav no= t
} heard from Siskel and Ebert in a long time, so if you wish you can tell
} them this story, and they will be able to crack a joke once more. They
} never acknowlidge me as their sourse when they go on the air. Sigh.


774-10    (49pvf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wise Oracle, to whom all is known, and little is
> forgotten, help me with this:
>
> Why is it that on the old Superman shows, Superman would be face to
> face with a bad guy, and the bad guy would start shooting at him,
> Superman would just stand there with his chest out and a smile , as
> to say "Ha Ha!!! You stupid fool you can't win I'm Superman.  It's my
> show, didn't you see the beginning?  It's not called big, stupid,
> ugly guy with a gun."  But the bad guy just shoots til he runs out of
> bullets, then he looks at the gun, and shakes it.   Then what's he do?
> He throws it at Superman!!  AND SUPERMAN DUCKS!!!!!!!!!   WHY????????b.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, he ducks under the bullets, too.  It's just too
} fast for the movie camera to pick up.  If you watch some
} of those old flicks closely, you can sometimes see an old
} grandma in the background behind Superman, dropping stone
} dead with big holes in her.
}
} You owe the Oracle a screenplay for "Big, Stupid, Ugly Guy
} With a Gun".
}
} On second thought, don't bother.  I just checked the movie
} listings, and it looks like it's already been done.


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