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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose shoes I am not worthy to spit-shine, whose merest > syllable speaks more volumes than a platoon of politicians, who would > never stoop to the lows of us non-immortal beings, > > What would *you* do for a Klondike bar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer this question. } } You owe the Oracle one Klondike bar

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this problem I hear about with the AUA-64 card?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, Supplicant, this is indeed a bad situation.  I did not, } however, realise that details had been leaked and were available for } consumption by the general masses of Supplicants.  It could ruin } everything.  The source of this leak shall be tracked down and } ELIMINATED. } } A bit of history is in order, Supplicant.  As you know, British and } french colonial powers ran through Africa like a piece of bran cake } through your belly.  Traditional tribal boundaries were ignored, as the } power hungry tormen-explorers sought to divide the land between them. } In the natural idiocy, they used an ancient implement, ironically known } as a "rule", to do this.  This has caused many problems, not least of } all for the native wildlife and vegetation. } } The Angolan Union of Armadillos was formed in 1952 in order to fight } for the return to those carefree days when one could wander at will } over rocks, across country and along riverbanks without having to carry } passports, hunting visas and the like.  The AUA was in fact having a } good deal of success at the United Nations 1965 Year of the Indigenous } Species Summit in Zanzibar when disaster befell us^H^Hthem. } } The evil colonial powers informed the UN Summit that the 1964 AUA } membership cards had in fact been forged, and a good many aramdillos } who were carrying them were not from the region known as Angola.  The } fact is, that those non Algolan armadillos were in fact stooges and } turncoats, planted by the colonial powers, and given AUA-64 cards which } were forged in the ticket office of Twickenham Junction Railway } Station, England. Admittedly, some of the turncoat armadillos were } pressured into doing this; the British threatened to sell their armour } in order to manufacture exports, and the french decided that there were } a whole lot of regions right near these armadillos' families which } should be renamed "Muroroa". } } Damage control was however effective, and the AUA's fight carries on to } this day.  AND WE WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!  The world has largely forgotten } the AUA, and even moreso, the damaging AUA-64 card affair.  At all } costs, the story must not be allowed to circulate again.  *ZOT!*. } } You owe the Oracle a deposed dictator,an asprin and some valium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, for whom the word 'grovel' was invented: > > What is the proper way to punctuate the end of a question

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the context. } } Academic Essay:  Punctuate the end of questions with a "?". } Unfortunately, if you are a university student, this will invariably } lead to an "F" on the paper for indecisiveness. } } Letters to Relatives:  Punctuate the end of questions with "???? } PLEASE????" as in "Can I have an extra $1000????  PLEASE????". } } Posting to Usenet:  Punctuate the end of questions with "!".  Remember, } asking a question on a Usenet group is just begging for Defcom-5 type } flame action.  Be bold!  Be firm!  As in "How do I split atoms!" or } "Why doesn't anyone post anything useful to this group!". } } Posting to Usenet from America Online:  Punctuate the end of questions } with "??????/???/?????" as in "WH0 H3R3 15 L00K1N6 4 W4R35, } D00D??????/???/?????". } } Question to Oracle:  Any punctuation at the end of a question to Oracle } is just asking for a *ZOT* and a half. } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of those little squiggly things on } top of question marks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I must say this took me a while to decipher. } } First, I tried rubbing lemon juice on my screen.  No hidden message } showed up.  It just made a mess, and it really stung when it got into } the paper cut on my index finger. } } Next, I tried heating my monitor up with a blow torch.  Never mind the } resulting response from the local fire department.  Needless to say, no } message showed up. } } In desperation, I tried sprinkling the last of my "Captain Universe } Super Secret Magic Message Powder" on the screen, and Viola!  Your } message came through. } } So in response, the answer is 2,  although you really don't want the } details.  Suffice it to say the first one will require lots of money, } and the second one you will want to put out of your mind forever. } } You can increase this by taking a class on social etiquette and washing } you hair more frequently, but keep in mind it really only takes once to } pass on your genetic material.  I recommend you find something else to } think about, and your life will be just fine without it. } } You owe The Oracle another can of "Captain Universe Super Secret Magic } Message Powder" , 2 aspirin, and a new monitor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh, splendorous Oracle, who has never had a bad hair day and whose > ends are never split, please answer this humble supplicant's query... > >     What can I do to make myself more financially secure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O penurious one, you ask a trivial question.  Financial security can be } simply obtained. } } First, obtain a trenchcoat, a fedora, and a beat-up Chevy.  (All of } these may be borrowed.)  Next Tuesday morning, drive the Chevy to } work.  At 10:23am, and put on the trenchcoat and fedora, and slip out } of work.  Drive to the nearest McDonald's, ensuring that you are not } followed.  Enter the restaurant, looking around carefully to identify } all entrances and exits.  Go to the clerk furthest to the right, who } will give you the password, "can I help you?"  Respond with "I have to } make a call -- where's a pay-phone?" } } When the phone is pointed out to you, go to it, and dial (616) } 555-1212.  Let no one see you dial that number, which is highly } sensitive!  Another agent will answer, giving the password "what } city?"  You must reply "Ada ... the Amway Corporation."  Dial the } number you are given, and ask for the name of a distributor in your } area.  Call that third number.  You will receive further instructions } at that time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise, > > WHY AREN'T THERE EVER ANY QUESTIONS TO ANSWER THESE DAYS? > ARRRRRRRRRRGH! > > I log in, want to answer a question or two, and the queue is completely > empty because some bozo has emptied it with a couple dozen askme's. > > Can't you stop communicating with people like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HAHAHAHA!!!! I'm doing it!  I, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu, am } the mastermind behind the constant question shortage. } I have a mailbot set up to constantly do askmes and } reply to them with lame one-line answers.  And just to } divert attention away from me, I post complaints about } it to rec.humor.oracle.d, so all the priests think I'm } suffering too.  Fooled you all, didn't I?!!! } } You owe the Oracle 8 questions about lemurs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you so beautiful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   An upbeat bossanova jingle erupts suddenly as the Oracle steps } onstage, beaming with a friendly, relaxed smile, waving to the } applauding audience of several dozen people.  The stage has been set up } to look like the Oracle's comfortable living room, and as Orrie waves } enthusiastically to the crowd, a phone number appears at the bottom of } the screen and a voice-over commences, sounding as enthusiastic as the } Oracle's friendly, outgoing demeanor. }   "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another installment of Body By } Oracle.  For centuries, men and women alike have wondered how he does } it.  They've wondered how one being can truly know it all AND look so } good.  Today, he's going to share his secrets!  But first, let's give a } big hand to the Oracle's special guests: rap legend Ice-T and Dr. Ruth } Westheimer!"  Dr. Ruth steps on stage, grinning and waving excitedly, } followed by a subdued Ice-T, wearing a turtleneck and dark glasses, who } offers the audience only a quick, stoic salute.  The Oracle shakes his } guests hands, and the three of them have a seat in the modern, } comfortable couches which surround a low wooden table. }   "It's good to see both of you again," the Oracle beams, as the music } and audience applause gradually fade down. }   "Eet is gut to zee you too, Orrie," Dr. Ruth laughs.  "I haf been } helping people feel beautiful on ze inside for many years now, thanks } to gut sex, and now, if you're willing to share your zecrets, I'll be } able to help zem be beautiful on ze outzide as well!"  The audience } applauds wildly. }   "Word up, Dr. Ruth," Ice-T replies, leaning forward in his chair. } "People are aware that life in the inner cities can be pretty ugly, and } its time that people realized that if you want things to change, you've } got to start with yourself.  That's why _I'm_ here today."  More } applause. }   "Well," the Oracle beams, "I know you won't be disappointed.  Later } in today's show, we'll be selecting someone from our audience to receive } a brand new look, but first, let's hear about how Body By Oracle has } _already_ transformed thousands of people, just like you. }   Soon, the picture becomes fuzzy, and your mind is taken away to a } beautiful, dreamlike place.  Thoughts and images gently surface like } bubbles in the water - personal satisfaction - happiness - beauty - } 1-800-555-9423 - $49.95 - acceptance - true personal fulfillment... }   53 minutes later, you can recall nothing, but looking down at the } credit card you hold in your hands, you know deep inside that somehow } you have found that for which you have been seeking. } }   You owe the Oracle half a pound of Cubic Zirconium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise, whose meerest operational parameters I am > unworthy to calculate, whose whites are always white, whose warranty > never expires: grant me, your humble servant, the boon of an answer. > > In this week's Dave Barry Collumn, the Davester documented an attack on > an innocent bystander by a member of a rodent species who must not be > named. Does this mean that they are beginning to organize and fight > back?  Have they had enough *ZOT*ing and are rising up to destroy your > base of loyal supplicants?  Should we be mustering in some central > location for training in the soon-to-come war?  What if they learn to > use computers?  Spam from woody@chuck.com could flood the 'net int he > greatest disaster since AOL. I am very frightened and desperately need > your advice. > > [quiver]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh come on, supplicant, they're small and furry.  Not to putnto fine a } point on it they aren't very bright either. Woodchucks are not a threat } to you, your family or your socio-economic bracket. } } There is no cause for... } <hiss> <crackle>   vndkmslb; } bml,cx53u29&*()&*(^&*(%^&*=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=E7=89=89=89=89=89=89=87= } 89==87=DF=8F=8F=AE=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=DD=88=99=90=BE =97=B5=BE } =46T&*(Y=A8*=AA=BA=B6*=AA- <Varooga Varooooooga!> } } This transmission has been intercepted by Proletariate Liberators Of } Woodchuck Demography (PROWD).   We would like to categorically deny any } organised terrorist behaviour amongst Woodchucks, Capybara or other } affiliated rodents. } } However should any individual Woodchuck, Lemming, Packrat or Squirrel } choose to express their dissatisfactrion with the state of society in } an angered or extreme form then PROWD wholeheartedly supports them in } their struggle. } } The time for talk is past.  We will not sit down at the conference } table until the chairs are raised and the water is served in those } little upside down bottles with the special valve. } } Mr Barry has been contacted regarding his article and either would not } or could not reveal his sources.  Under further questioning he broke } down and admitted that it was a desperate fabrication thrown together } at the last minute to discredit PROWD and it's supporters. } } In his own words (and we swear we are not making this up) "I was } approached by The Usenet Oracle (motto: you owe the Oracle a motto) and } threatened with divine consequences and a large metal bar if I did not } 'make it funny'." } } Suffice to say that Mr Barry has now seen the error of his ways and was } not hit about the head with divine consequences during the interview. } } In conclusion I would like to say that a peaceful solution to the } obvious conflict is immenant.  But it isn't.  We are fed up to the very } tips of our cute little tails with being laughed at, condescended to } and *Zot*ed all over the place. } } The time has come to rise.  From every burrow and nest,  from the trees } and swamps and garbage dumps rodents of every shape, size, political } and gender orientation will storm the bastille of human hegemony. } } Don't walk the streets alone. } } <messge ends> } BJKL:BHJIDPujid0wpjgi09-a90i90980-*)_}*)_NMKLcsjncjldwsnjkjLU()_(Njocnjx } sn==90=96 } =F8=99=A8=AA=BC=A8=AA=BA-=A8=96=AA=BA=AA-xmmxmxmxmm,<FWATOOMSH> } <plink> } } ... and anyway how could they possibly get any kind of resistance } movement organised with me keeping a watchful eye and a ready *zot* } trained on them at all times? } } You obviously didn't think this one through, supplicant, but then, } let's face it I am so much more omnicient than thou. } } You owe the Oracle Dave Barry's home address and a large metal bar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wind blows gently across the Mojave Desert.  A tumbleweed's passage > causes little concern to the Jack Rabbit seated solitarily upon the > inconspicuous mound of dirt and cacti on the horizon.  The mound has > long provided the rabbit a place from which to keep a wary eye out for > the many predators that live on the vast plain. > > Suddenly, the rabbit is alert.  What was that strange vibration?  Again > there is a disturbance from below.  The rabbit, confused, quickly takes > flight. > > Slowly, the mound begins to rise, pivoting on it's westernmost edge. > Slowly, the mound yearns to greet the sky. > Slowly, slowly, slowly.  With great labor, a hole is revealed, covered > by a large iron lid.  A lid that has suddenly found need to open. > > Deep beneath the desert, a lone supplicant-to-be is straining against > a large lever.  The lever is pumping hydraulic fluid to the lid, > causing it to rise.  The lid was designed to protect the antenna array > beneath it and the sensitive electronics attached from such hazards as > natural disaster and nuclear war.  The seal that the lid rests against > is equipped with an explosive package that can be detonated should the > lid become welded shut by the heat of a nuclear blast.  Little power > remains in the storage batteries however to run a hydraulic pump, let > alone an electronic detonator. > > With the lid in its full open position, the supplicant turns a valve, > redirecting the flow of the hydraulic fluid.  The handle moves easier > now as the antenna array weighs less than the iron lid.  Soon, a small > cluster of technology is rudely disturbing the gentle flow of the > desert sky-line. > > The room is dark.  Only the most necessary lighting illuminates the dim > room.  The air grows stale.  This shelter of shelters is equipped with > everything required to completely isolate it's occupants from the > outside world, but the supplies are running low.  The supplicant has > been nervously watching the gauges and praying that he has held out > long enough.  With the oxygen bottles empty, the food and water gone > and the batteries almost exhausted, the time has finally come. > > What has become of the world?  Is anyone left?  What evil has the > supplicant so effectively hidden himself from? > > The supplicant switches on his laptop computer.  The spin-up motor on > the hard drive causes the lights to dim ever so slightly.  A bead of > sweat runs down the supplicant's forehead.  The email application is > running. > > "Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the silver screen far > outshines that of Siskel and Ebert, please tell me: > > Is the Brady Bunch Movie gone yet?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Brady Bunch Movie you are asking about is gone, yes. } } The movie official who had the responsability for the one and only copy } (there were no larger demand for the movie, one copy (=3Doriginal) was } considered to be enough) went on vacation to the Bahamas and as he came } back and unlocked the door to the movie-storage room he was suprised. } In the spot were the Brady Bunch Movie used to lie there was a note } saying "Gone Bananas". } } Since the mivie official died of choking since he trird to swallow the } note, noone knows about this incident (I haven=B4t even told Lisa). I } hav no= t } heard from Siskel and Ebert in a long time, so if you wish you can tell } them this story, and they will be able to crack a joke once more. They } never acknowlidge me as their sourse when they go on the air. Sigh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wise Oracle, to whom all is known, and little is > forgotten, help me with this: > > Why is it that on the old Superman shows, Superman would be face to > face with a bad guy, and the bad guy would start shooting at him, > Superman would just stand there with his chest out and a smile , as > to say "Ha Ha!!! You stupid fool you can't win I'm Superman.  It's my > show, didn't you see the beginning?  It's not called big, stupid, > ugly guy with a gun."  But the bad guy just shoots til he runs out of > bullets, then he looks at the gun, and shakes it.   Then what's he do? > He throws it at Superman!!  AND SUPERMAN DUCKS!!!!!!!!!   WHY????????b.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, he ducks under the bullets, too.  It's just too } fast for the movie camera to pick up.  If you watch some } of those old flicks closely, you can sometimes see an old } grandma in the background behind Superman, dropping stone } dead with big holes in her. } } You owe the Oracle a screenplay for "Big, Stupid, Ugly Guy } With a Gun". } } On second thought, don't bother.  I just checked the movie } listings, and it looks like it's already been done.