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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean when a yellow feather is slid underneath your door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that three things are true: } 1. You need new weatherstripping for your door, } 2. Big Bird is shedding, and } 3. Bert is playing tricks on you. } } You owe the Oracle a sunny day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, Seer of the unseen, Knower of the Unknown, please > share your infinite wisdom with me. > > I have been chosen to play a rock in our school play, but I am > struggling to find my motivation.  Should I be an angry rock?  A sad > and melancholy rock?  Please hurry.  The play is only two days away and > I need to practice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should look up to, as acting idols, the Metamorphic twins, Iggy and } Sedimenty.  You probably remember them from their pivotal role in "It's } the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," in which they were even referred to } by name ("I got a rock") by the title character. } } Their other roles include the following: } } -- PROPER SHRUB PLANTING TECHNIQUES (1962)  In their debut film, the } Metamorphics portray buried rocks, on top of which one should not plant } shrubbery. } } -- SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROCK HOUND (1968)  Iggy plays an example of how } not to store your rocks; Sedimenty is a properly labeled specimen. } } -- MOUNTAIN DRIVING PROBLEMS (1972)  This film, originally produced for } the Wyoming Department of Motor Vehicles, stars the twins as the } results of an avalanche on U.S. 20. } } -- THE HISTORY OF ROCK 'N' ROLL (1975)  In a tongue-in-cheek sequence } in this documentary, Iggy and Sedimenty go rolling by the camera. } } -- CAREERS IN GEOLOGY (1981)  Iggy and Sedimenty reprise their roles } from "So You Want to Be a Rock Hound." } } -- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? VOLUME VI: THE PLAYGROUND (1984)  Iggy and } Sedimenty are thrown by a young boy during a playground argument, } causing a little girl's tooth to be knocked out. } } -- WATERWORLD (1995)  Following semi-retirement, the Metamorphic } brothers came back and appeared in the climactic final scene in this } Kevin Costner vehicle. } } You owe the Oracle some of the Halloween candy Charlie Brown didn't } get.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose gummy, body-fluidy, city-street-grime-laden, > Holy sneakers I am unfit to sponge the dried encrustations > from, please condescend to offer unceremoniously the tiniest, > most unfrequented nano-particle of wisdom, in comparison to > which I remain hopelessly eensy and insignificant: > > Who was the first human to look at the udders of a cow and > say, "you know, I think I'll try that..."?  And why, when > it molded and became solid and possibly fuzzy, did someone > decide to call it cheese and put it on their chili? > > belly-smudging, non-capitalized, oat-mealishly grovelly > thanks to you, oh magnitudinous one.  no, really.  i'm not > fit to wipe the snot from your oldest kleenex with my > eyeballs.  thanks.  my mom will be so proud.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Extremely humble and debased supplicant, } } 9633 BC, On the primordial tundra: } } Grok Rock Banger was the first human to look at cattle and realise the } potential of the white fluid produced by the bovine genera. } Unfortuately, his grasp of gender was not as good as his grasp on the } bull. } } 4501 BC, plains near Sumeria } } Olyar Muttar is called before the SFDA to prove that the consumption of } cows milk will not turn children into cows and refute links betwen } cattle milk consumption and psychpathic compulsion.  Prince Exon } denounces Olyar as a pervert and the defiler of livestock.  Olyar is } flayed alive and pegged out in the desert.  Cattle milk becomes the } next big thing among the youth of Sumeria. } } 1028 BC, Outer Mongolia } } Chias Ovudhar realises the hoards are coming over for tea and there's } nothing in the tent except two strips of Jerky and some milk from the } raid he went on the other week.  As he kept the milk in a cows } stomache, the warm weather and riding combined with the rennett has } transformed the milk into what we refer to as cheese.  Chias has a } sudden brainwave and decides to serve the moldy yellowy mass to his } Mongol overlord.  Chias found dead the next day.  The moldy yellow } remains of Mongol lunches named Chias in his honour and sold for } exhorbitant prices to gullible foreigners. } } You owe the Oracle a dollop of Cheez-Whiz } }          (__) }          (oo) }   /-------\/ }  / |w----|| }    ~~    ~~

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ********************************************************************** } *   THE USENET ORACLE (tm) IS ANNOUNCES THE AVAILABILITY OF          * } *   THOUSANDS OF EXCITING, HIGH PAYING, WORK-AT-HOME JOBS!           * } *      COMPOSING GROVELS FOR T.U. ORACLE AND ASSOCIATES              * } ********************************************************************** }     -  Work from the comfort of your own home or school! }     -  Work as little or as much as you would like! }     -  Meet interesting and exciting people from all over the world! } } The breakdown of Usenet tradition and the general decline in the } intelligence of the Usenet Oracle's supplicant population has brought } about a severe shortage of satisfactory grovels submitted with } supplicant's questions.  Submitting a question without a grovel has } caused many supplicants to receive perfunctory, humorless answers from } the Oracle, or even a *ZOT* for a seemingly trivial provocation. } } HELP RESTORE HUMOR TO THE ORACLE-QUERYING EXPERIENCE FOR THOUSANDS } OF USERS WHILE MAKING BIG MONEY FAST. } } You can join the creative team at T.U. Oracle Associates composing } ready-to-use grovels for sale to the growing population of } instant-gratification-oriented, too-busy-to-care humor seekers that } now make up so much of the Oracle's client base.  What supplicant } could do without a set of precision-crafted, attention-getting, } Oracle pleasing grovels, sure to elicit riotously funny and } insightful responses when inserted before even the lamest questions? } } Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation } Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Grovel Developers Kit". } In 4 to 6 weeks, you will receive a CD-ROM containing: }      - Official Oracle Grovel Developer Membership Card and Certificate }      - The Oracle Grovel Writer's Style and Usage Guide }      - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software }      - Grovel writing templates and macros for 50 popular word }        processing and text editor programs } } T.U. Oracle Associates currently pays $2.75 PER WORD for grovels } accepted for publication in the Oracle's Official Grovel Anthology. } } Too busy to write grovels, but need side-splitting humor from the } Oracle right away? } } Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation } Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Supplicant Grovel } Anthology". Within two business days you will receive a CD-ROM } containing: }      - Official Oracle Grovel User's Membership Card and Certificate }      - The Oracle Grovel User's Style and Usage Guide }      - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software }      - Grovel inclusion templates and macros for 50 popular word }        processing and text editor programs } } You owe the Oracle half of your first royalty check for setting you } up with this great opportunity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to publish your autobiography, which artist > would you hire to do the pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boris Vallejo to draw me, Lisa, and the priesthood.  Scott Adams to } draw the supplicants, who all look exactly like Dilbert. } } You owe the Oracle a first edition of "Deep Thoughts from the Far } Side" by Snoopy and Woodstock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, > > what do you do with a supplicant who leaves his .sig at > the end of his questions? > -- > --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT R U TALK1N' ABOUT MAN?  SIGZ ROOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } LATER MAN. } } BIFF. } } -- }     BBBBBBBBBBBBB          IIIIIIIII            FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF }     BBBBBBBBBBBBBB         IIIIIIIII           FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF }      BBB        BBB           III             FFF         FFF }       BBB        BBB          III            FFF         FFF }        BBB        BBB         III           FFF         FFF }         BBBBBBBBBBBBB         III          FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF }          BBBBBBBBBBBBBB       III         FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF }           BBB        BBB      III        FFF         FFF }            BBB        BBB     III       FFF         FFF }             BBB        BBB    III      FFF         FFF }              BBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII  FFF         FFF } BIFF@BIT.NET  BBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFF         FFF  BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU } BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET                                 BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU }   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM }          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM }            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US }              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM }                             BIFF@MSN.COM } }   MY SIG         /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\          WAITING }  CAN BEAT        !@@@@@@NUKULAR@@@@@@@@!                 4 }   UP YOUR       -------------------------            ARMAGEDIN }    SIG           !@@@@@@@@BIFF@@@@@@@@@!          IT"LL B }    !!!           \--------!   !--------/            AWESOME!!!! }                           !   ! }                         ---------         THIS SPACE 4 RENT CALL BIFF }      /\\\                 !   !               HA HA FOOLED YOU!!! }       |||                /     \ }       /-\ }  /----/-\------------------------------------------------------------\ } | BIFF|@|AOL.DELPHI.PRODIGY.COMPU$ERVE.NETCOM.WORLD.MSN.B1FF.EDU DUDE!> }  \----\-/------------------------------------------------------------/ }       \-/ }       |-|     BANG THE FALSE METAL HEAD THAT DUZZN"T DRINK BEER!!! }      \///          HOT METAL TUBS RULE IN A MAJOR WAY DUDEZ!!! } }   __________      __________       ___________     ___________        __ }  /         /\    /         /|     /          /|   /          /|      / / } /         /  \  /         //     /          //   /          //      / /| } **********   /  **********/      ***********/    ***********/       ** | } **  |____** /       **           **  |______     **  |______        ** | } ** /      **        **           **  /     /|    **  /     /|       ** | } **/      **/ \      **           ** /     //     ** /     //        ** | } **********/  /      **           *********/      *********/         ** / } **  |____** //    __**______     **  |           **  |              **/ } ** /      **/    /  **     /|    **  |           **  |              / /| } **/      **/    /   **    //     ** /            ** /               ** / } **********/     **********/      **/             **/                **/ } } BIFF@BIT.NET BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU }   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM }          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM }            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US }              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM }                           BIFF@MSN.COM } }                     K0M1NG S00N T0 THEATREZ NEER U!!!!!! }      _______ _______*_______ _______   _______  _______   _______ __  __ }  +. /____  //______//______//______/  /______/ /____  /  /______//_/ /_/ } `  _____/ /   __    _____ . _____   ,   __    _____/ /  ______  ____ } , / ___ _/.  / / . / ___/ '/ ___/  +.  / /   / _  __/  /  ___/ /   / }  / /__/ | __/ /__ / / . , / /   ,  .  / /   / / \ \   /  /___ / /\ \ } /______/ /______//_/ * + /_/   *, ` ,/_/   /_/   \_\ /______//_/  \_\ } }              FEETUR1NG THE GRATE B1FF1NSK1 AS C4PTA1N B1FF!!!!!! } }                    B1FF 4RUOND TH4 W3RLD!!!!! }                                   . }                               _--_|\ }                     P3RTH--> /      \<--SIND3Y }                              \_.--._/ }                                    v<---B1FFSM4NIA!!!!!!! } }                ___                          (_) }              _/XXX\ }             /XXXXXX\_ <-- MT. B1FF1NGT0N                 __ } __    __   /X XXXX XX\     MT. K1BO (SHORT3R    _       /XX\__      ___ }   \__/  \_/__       \ \    TH4N B1FF'Z) ----> _/X\__   /XX XXX\____/XXX\ } \  ___   \/  \_      \ \               __   _/      \_/  _/  -   __  - } __/   \__/   \ \__     \\__           /  \_//  _ _ \  \     __  /  \____ }  __    \  /     \ \_   _//_\___     _/    //           \___/  \/     __/ } /_______\________\__\_/________\_ _/_____/_____________/_______\____/___ }                                    /|\ }                                   / | \       _____ ____ }                                  /  |  \      \    V   / }     THE RO4D T0 B1FFN3SS!!!!    /   |   \      | R00T  | }                                /    |    \     |  666  |     +---------+ }     ALL MUST TR4V3L 1T        /     |     \    \___ ___/     | B1FF    | }                              /      |      \       V         | R00LZ!! | }     SUMD4Y!!!!!!!!          /       |       \      |       o +---------+ }                            /        |        \     |      o }                           /         |         \    |   |\__/|  .~    ~. }                          /          |          \   |   /o=o'`./      .' }                         /           |              |  {o__,   \    { }                        /            |                   / .  . )    \ }                       /             |                   `-` '-' \    } }                                     |                  .(   _(   )_.' }                                     |                 '---.~_ _ _|

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I get the feeling that xeyes is watching me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd watch too if some idiot kept stabbing you in the eye with a } pointer! } } I hate to say this, but sometimes a process gets to the point where you } just have to put it to sleep.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ? > 1QQQ > Q > Q > Q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, Number 3 in the ASCII Blot Series.  DSM-V-R says: } }    3.  Fetishism }        A. Man, facing right, arms outstretched. }           Anthropomorphism; standard response. }        B. Woman, distended breasts. }           Sexual fetish; oral or breast fixation (males); poor body }           image (females).  Recommended treatment: ECT, commitment. }        C. Cross, truncated. }           Religious fixation; mania, persecution, martyr complex. }           Recommended treatment: ECT, BATF. }        D. T-Square. }           Masonic fixation; conspiracy fetish.  Recommended treatment: }           ECT, NWO. }        E. Other. }           Non-conformism, deviancy.  Recommended treatment: ECT, }           prefrontal lobotomy. } } Of course, it is really a portrait of the designing psychiatrist's } mother, who only had one arm and a poor hairdo, with one arm } outstretched to beat the hapless child.  (The psychiatrist has since } been committed to a padded room.) } } You owe the Oracle a Java implementation of the Rorschach Blot Series.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A friend of mine wrote this as his signature: > > GU d H s:- !g p(2) !au a-- w+ v(?)>! C++++ U? P? L 3 N+ E? K- W+(W--) > M-- !V +po- Y++ 5-- j R G' tv b+++ D+ B- e* u(+) h! f+ r-- n- !y+ > > What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah -- you've stumbled on the Geek Code. This is a carefully constructed } code some people put in their signatures to assure the world that, yes, } they are total geeks. } } Each symbol in the code has a special meaning. In this way, the code is } like a totem pole. The only difference is that you generally don't go } around handing out a totem pole to everyone you meet. } } Here is a rough translation: } } GU         I live in Guam. } d H        Dartmouth is inferior to Harvard. } s:- !g     The Saxons (armed with shields and polearms) are fighting } the }            Geats (armed with swords). } p(2)       Two is prime. } !au        I don't have a gold card. } a--        The law is an ignoramus, an a--. } w+ v(?)>!  (The RSA encryption algorithm, in TECO) } C++++      I can travel much faster than light. } U? P?      I have never been to the Upper Penninsula of Michigan. } L 3        I am a member of the L 3 Society (a group very similar in }            goals to the L 5 Society, but much less stable). } N+         My favorite oxidation state of nitrogen is +1. } E?         (A subtle satire on the E! channel) } K-         No, no, a thousand times no! } W+(W--)    I am ambivalent about Larry Wall. } M--        The Morse Code for M is --. } !V         My favorite form of smoked salmon is novy. } +po-       I may or may not be the Pope. } Y++ 5--    Tasha Yar could kick the butts of everyone on Babylon 5. } j R        I shot JR. } G'         I venerate G'Quan. } tv         I am a transvestite. } b+++       A *big* transvestite. } D+ B-      (Grades in French Literature and Compiler Design) } e*         My favorite song is "Easter Parade." } u(+) h!    Uh-huh-huh-huh! (in TECO) } f+ r--     I may or may not be Joel Furr. } n-         I'm just a guy who can't say n-. } !y+        I am armed with a sword, a tire iron, and one of the giant }          stone coins of the Yap islanders. } } You owe the Oracle some geeks bearing gifts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, wiser than the wisest nocturnal bird of prey, > wiser than the wisest purveyor of fried roots, and actually the > standard by which the validity of the wisdom of the ages is measured, > please answer me this. > >  What am I talking about? Why did I say that? I don't even remember > sitting down at my keyboard. I'm not even 100% sure I *AM* sitting down > at my keyboard. Please help!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Astute supplicant, you actually aren't sitting at your keyboard. } You are attending an opera, and have fallen asleep in the middle } of the second act.  Your question is merely a dream, and so I } shall answer you with the rest of the dream, which of course has } the opera woven into it. } } The Valkyrie appear.  Their usual tin breastplates and helmets } have disappeared, and they are now clad in bikini bathing } costumes and yarmulkes.  A slowly pulsing light gradually makes } its presence known.  The pulses seem to be somewhat out of } phase with the music, but eventually you realize that you were } listening to the sound track from the movie theatre next door. } The Valkyrie float around, levitating about 4 feet off the } floor.  Multicolored mist swirls around them, tickling their } toes and making them squeal. } } The Queen of the Night appears, even though she doesn't belong } in this opera.  As soon as she sees the Valkyrie, she bellows } at the top of her lungs, and shakes her trident at them.  The } Valkyrie menace her with their AK-47 assault rifles, which have } somehow appeared in their hands while you weren't looking. } Major General Stanley appears with his Union Jack, defusing the } situation.  Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz skip through the scene } for no particular reason. } } The music comes to a crescendo, just as an earthquake starts } to shake the theatre.  You are being flung back and forth in } your seat, and side to side as well.  Just at that moment, you } awaken to discover that the second act has just finished, and } the usher is shaking you with a worried expression, asking if } you need medical assistance. } } You owe the Oracle a libretto.