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Internet Oracularities #776

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776, 776-01, 776-02, 776-03, 776-04, 776-05, 776-06, 776-07, 776-08, 776-09, 776-10


Usenet Oracularities #776    (80 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Sep 1995 17:26:10 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   776
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

776   80 votes 8bgqj 9qpaa 8ewec 49Dm6 4nmn8 9jsea lok96 4fzn3 7cqmd 4iwk6
776   3.1 mean  3.5   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.0   2.4   3.1   3.3   3.1


776-01    (8bgqj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, seer of all, knower of even more, and groper of Lisa,
> please answer my query:
>
> When will Kris have E-Mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} January 1st, 2001: Kris, aka 'Christ', aka 'The Messiah', obtains an
}                    e-mail account with North-America On Line.
}
} January 2nd, 2001: Christ crossposts 'Second Coming of Christ! Repent
}                    or Burn in Hell, Sinners!' to all 20,000 newsgroups.
}
} January 3rd, 2001: Christ recieves the first of a torrent of indignant
}                    flames, including 982 megs of core dumps from
}                    alt.atheism. Even more flames are posted to the
}                    groups, and since most posters neglect to edit the
}                    newsgroups line, or clip the quote to the part they
}                    respond to, each group is flooded with an average of
}                    one million 400-line messages. Participants in the
}                    Longest Thread Ever complain about all the crap
}                    flooding the net.
}
} January 20th, 2001: The flamewar ends as the last node bursts into
}                     flames from an overheated hard drive. The latest
}                     predictors of the immenent death of the net gloat.
}
} February 1st, 2001: The phone bills arrive. ATT acquires 99.8% of the
}                     world's money supply, thus achieving at last their
}                     goal of world domination. All employees of Sprint
}                     and MCI are nailed to telephone poles.
}
} February 11th, 2001: The Christian underground collapses when Christ
}                      forgives ATT. ATT has him shot before he can
}                      change his mind.
}
} February 15th, 2001: Christ returns from the grave long enough to
}                      promise a a third coming in a thousand years,
}                      triggering a massive wave of suicides.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cancelbot.


776-02    (9qpaa dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who uses only thoroughly inorganic products,
>
> What the hell is Sodium Alkybenzenesulfonate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Representative "Newt" Gingrich's real first name.


776-03    (8ewec dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most beneficent Oracle, riddle me this:
>
> will I *ever* finish graduate school?
>
> sincerely,
> trapped in academia

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, certainly!  Everyone dies ... and I believe that dead bodies are
} not allowed in classes -- unless of course you are a professor with
} tenure.


776-04    (49Dm6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Times are a changing Orrie.  No Grovel from me.  And don't try the old
> zot thing,
> my new Zot95(tm) will be the zot of choice in no time.  Users can even
> use a capital Z if they want.  In fact, another new standard is that
> all grovels should be addressed to me.
>
> So where do you want to go today?
>
> Bill G.
>
> You owe me 3 picasso's and more ideas I can steal.
>
> Oh yeah, that's another change.  Everyone now owes me stuff, not you.
> On both questions and answers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, Bill.  You seem to be suffering from the same sort of delusion
} as Bill C., that your position of eartly power is anything more than
} the merest eyeblink to us immortals.  Indeed, that having more money
} than anyone else on your planet, and your metaphorical fingers into
} most of the personal computers on said planet, makes you any more
} significant than the dust mite I stepped on this morning.
}
} However, I must congratulate you on your marketing strategy.  Most of
} the other immortals didn't believe you would be able to keep your firm
} afloat with the products you have.  I, of course, knew, but it was
} amazing nonetheless.
}
} Well, even though your arrogance has come to a head, I shall deign to
} answer your question.  I want to go to a certain sentator's office,
} where I shall give him the answer to his latest question regarding a
} certain software firm's monopolistic practices.
}
} As a parting gift, here is a nice box.  Printed on the inside of the
} cover is a foolproof method for doubling your profit at no risk to
} yourself.  Don't worry.  I did not also put in the box a special,
} Turbo-charged WarpZot which will evaporate everything within ten feet
} when the box is opened or the message read by any means.
}
} I understand your dilemma, Bill.  Your profit-making instinct won't
} let you leave the box alone.  But your survival instinct is high
} enough to stop you.  Let's place the box on your desk, where you will
} be able to think about it for a long, long time.
}
} You owe the oracle a good laugh.


776-05    (4nmn8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and wonderful oracle, who could break my arm at any time,
> just because, could alter the universal gravitational constant of the
> universe at any time, just because, or could destroy the entire human
> race, just because, please grant me the opportunity to ask you just a
> single sad unworthy question:
>
>     Does Windows 95 really work????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pardon me for a few moments, while I break Bill Gates' arm,
} alter the universal gravity constant within Microsoft's
} corporate headquarters, and destroy every instance of
} MS-DOS.
}
} Just because.


776-06    (9jsea dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh interesting Oracle, whose words enthrall me, especially when I have
> insomnia,
>
> Don't you hate it when you forget and leave a .signature at the bottom
> of an answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  No, because, being infallible as I am, I never make such mistakes.
}
}  *****************************************************************
}  * /\/\/\/\           * Shrapnel P. Wuggermahugger               *
}  * |      |           * owner and manager of Shrapnel P.         *
}  * | 0  0 | Hey dood! *   Wuggermahugger's Rack & Toenail Clipper*
}  * |  ..  |/~~~ ~~~~~ *   Emporium                               *
}  * |  __  |           * 2830 Krtchnblonsky Street                *
}  *  \____/            * Shnooksville, KY  12345                  *
}  *  |____|            * shrapnel@tricounty.net                   *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * VISIT OUR WEB PAGE: http://www.tricounty.net/~shrapnel/racks. *
}  *                       html                                    *
}  * Order the BEST racks and toenail clippers online!             *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * "Oh cheesecake, o sponge, o mottled sinner, in which mental   *
}  * hemisphere do thy stinkweeds bloom? In inperturbable          *
}  * disappropriation of the burbling irrigation canal of destiny?"*
}  *                               --Cranium                       *
}  *                                 poet laureate of the tri-     *
}  *                                 county area                   *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * Ask me about COMPOSTNET BBS! The only BBS in the country      *
}  * devoted exclusively to compost and compost-related issues!    *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * Fight censorship and governmental restriction of the internet!*
}  * Write your congressman TODAY to protest the Exon Bill, the    *
}  * Clipper Chip, and the FCC Modem Tax!                          *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * The opinions expressed here my own only, not the opinions of  *
}  * my employer, access provider, software company, hardware      *
}  * company, spouse, children, pets, or anybody else in the past, *
}  * present, and future, including all alternate dimensions.      *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * GEEK CODE: GRT w? U-- L? s-- E? e? S+ C? X- Y? Z? racks ++++  *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * Kibo * Canter & Siegel * GO MOOSES! * Xibo * The BOB (c)      *
}  *****************************************************************
}  * Usenet Oracle Incarnation: send your burning questions to:    *
}  * oracle@cs.indiana.edu and maybe I'll answer!                  *
}  *****************************************************************
}
}  Posted from the Tri-County Freenet. Please report any abuses to
}  postmaster@tricounty.net.
}
}  JollyPost, ver. 3.5 (Unregistered copy)


776-07    (lok96 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ro Ro Ro yore bote,
> jentlee doun thu streme,
> maryli maryli maryli maryli
> lyphe iz buht uh dreme.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nok, nok, on your silly hed
} But not two hard plese
} Barabim baraboom barabim baraboom
} In ze end you're ded


776-08    (4fzn3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, farthest seeing of all the far-seers, please grant me
> the answer to my query:
>
> Concrete Jelly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's a closely-guarded family recipe--but since you asked:
}
} APPLE-ASPHALT DELIGHT
}
} 2 cups apple cider
} 3 and a half cups sugar
} 2 teaspoons fresh thyme leaves
} 1 pouch (3 ounces) liquid fruit pectin
} 1 one-pound bag, ready-mix concrete
}
} Combine cider, sugar, and thyme in a medium saucepan. Stir over low
} heat until sugar has dissolved and the mixture has reached a boil. Stir
} in pectin and concrete. Pack jelly in sterilized canning jars according
} to the manufacturer's directions.
}
} Makes one quart. Can be doubled or tripled to fill potholes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a springform pan and a trowel.


776-09    (7cqmd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 15 down, 8 to go.  How much longer is this going to take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 15th down and 8 cubic hectares to go.  The hyperbolic-paraboloid
} is on the 10+sqrt(3) Kelvin line, with 7 coulombs left on the clock.
} The Sufferin' Supplicants are down 3*i points.
}
} Here's the snap.  The eight back hands off to the sixteenth back who
} hands it off to the thirty-second back.  TWEEEET!  The referee calls a
} foul on the the Supplicants.  The Oracle declines the penalty, so now
} it's 16th down and 8.  Things are looking mighty grim for the
} Supplicants tonight folks.
}
} The Supplicants are going to try a pass.  It's up and... OH NO!  The
} Oracle has the X, Y, and Z intercept!  He's starting at his own
} origin.  He's to the e^x line: he's gone transcendental.
}
} But wait.  Here comes a Supplicant now.  The Oracle is down.  FUMBLE!
} The supplicant recovers.  Now it's first down again, with all 23 left.
} Just a single tick left on the clock.  Will the Supplicant ever
} succeed?
}
} More after this commercial for the Oracle:
}
} You owe the Oracle a cricket bat.
}
} We're back for the final play.  The Supplicant looks deep.  The Oracle
} blitzes.  It's up and... it's good!  It's all over.  The score: the
} Oracle 14, the Supplicants 16+sqrt(2)*i.


776-10    (4iwk6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fabulously omnitient Oracular one, grower of the tree of pretty
> interesting fruit and other miracles of various degree:
> Why do Chihuahuas so closely resemble warm blooded cockroaches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an example of convergent evolution.
}
} In case you've forgotton your freshman biology, convergent
} evolution happens when two species occupy the same niche
} in nature, and as a result, they tend to change over the
} ages until they resemble each other.
}
} Cockroaches have long been the scavengers of the world.
} Anywhere there are dropped crumbs, bits of nuts, or old
} squashed fruit, you'll find cockroaches busy cleaning up.
}
} Except indoors, where human intervention has been slowing
} the cockroaches down considerably.  There, a different
} species (Canis domesticus chihuahuai) has been introduced
} into this role.  The Chihuahua is ideal for cleanup in
} modern homes.  It is large enough that it cannot be
} accidentally sucked up by the vacuum cleaner, but it's
} small enough to run around under the table, picking up
} the scraps which fall to the floor.  And it's omnivorous.
}
} It is rumored that in the event of an all-out nuclear war,
} the only species that would survive are cockroaches and
} Chihuahuas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three foot long no-pest strip.


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