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Internet Oracularities #777

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777, 777-01, 777-02, 777-03, 777-04, 777-05, 777-06, 777-07, 777-08, 777-09, 777-10


Usenet Oracularities #777    (86 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 00:10:50 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   777
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

777   86 votes enpi6 ahqo9 cjvi6 8mor5 1asyd 6drsc 7hqkg 5lto7 3cvtb 6twd6
777   3.1 mean  2.8   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.6   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.4   2.8


777-01    (enpi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest of the great, wonder of wonders, and perveyor of
> perversion.
>
> If God is all powerful all loving and all knowing.  How come it took
> him a week to create everything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time dilation effect.  He was moving incredibly fast.


777-02    (ahqo9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, I am planning on opening my own
> business soon, and I need to find a cash register with a
> bra-code reader.  Could you point me in the right direction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, I just saw an ad on TV the other day, I remember it
} vividly... [cue whole-tone scale flashback music]
}
} "Come on down to Fred 'n' Edna's Office Supply and Lingerie Shop today
} for quality at price you can afford!
}
} This week we're offering this IBM cash register complete with bra-code
} reader at 20, yes 20 percent off!! And that's not all! Check out these
} crazy, wacky, madcap deals! Boxer shorts with built-in staple remover
} only $4.99!! Sales slips 10% off!! In/Out trays only $2.99!! Even our
} popular denim work overalls with snap crotch are two-for-one!
}
} So don't miss out on the savings! Fred 'n' Edna's:  we help you wear
} stockings while you're stocking!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a lace power tie.


777-03    (cjvi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Wise Oracle please tell me this:
> The food they serve up here at Cornell seems really hazardous to my
> health.  What precautions should I take to protect myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant: *gasp* *choke* *wheeze*
}
} Priest:  Another supplicant, o Bastion of Benevolent Knowledge, a
} supplicant awaits your response.
}
} S: *hack* *spew* *gasp*
}
} Oracle:  Not another one.  He's gone and ate college food again.
} Didn't he check the ads for the campus catering when he enrolled?
}
} [Enter three small creatures, one with brown pants worn high, one in
} a pink skirt, and one in a blue turtleneck with a red baseball cap]
}
} YW&D: Sam 'n' Ella's catering shop
}       Eat our food and you're sure to drop
}       Then the only thing left to do
}       Is run to the potty and spew, spew, spew!
}       Sam 'n' Ella's!
} YW&D: Yikes!  [They disappear into the distance, being chased by a
}       large man in a dirty chef's hat.
}
} O: Tell me, supplicant, did you have the chicken, or the fish?
}
} S: *choke* The lasagna... *wheeze*
}
} O: Oh my, it's worse than I thought.  There's not much time left.
} We've got to   [Supplicant's chest starts throbbing and stretching...
} it bursts, and a light brown, eight legged creature scuttles out,
} spitting acid, and then dons a top hat, and begins to dance]
}
} Alien: Hello, my baby, hello, my [KLANG!  An anvil crashes on the
} alien's head, and a green frog chases the smashed alien away]
}
} M.J.Frog: That's *my* song!
}
} Priest: Another one.  That's the seventh one today.
}
} O: I know.  We really should attach those anvils better.  Oh, you mean
} supplicants?  Well, they're a dime a dozen anyways.
}
} Priest: True, much like the wings in the cafeteria themselves.
}
} O: Ah, but NBC has it's own problems.  For the students themselves,
} they must remember these simple words:
}
} Welcome to Domino's.  May I help you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some Tofu Surprise.


777-04    (8mor5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Grand Oracle,
> Whose  Month

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: TUO Recovery Division
} To: Supplicant
} Subj: Re: poem fragment
}
} Dear Supplicant,
}
}    Your request has been processed.  Appended to this message is the
} ORACLE 9362's response.
}
} Sincerely, blah blah blah, send it off.  And sign my name this time.
}
} TUO/wc
}
} Matched 6 item(s).
}
} [1: 100%]  Oh grand Oracle, whose monthly pay
}            Exceeds the cost of my toupee ...
}
} [2:  89%]  Oh great Oracle, whose mountain ranges
}            Tower o'er unfriendly strangers ...
}
} [3:  67%]  Oh greasy Oracle, whose mind defies
}            Both death and taxes, truth and lies ...
}
} [4:  30%]  Ogre miracles, wheat and corn
}            Why was that goddamn woodchuck born? ...
}
} [5:  14%]  Garish tracks of sun-dried tears
}            Will mar your face, love, through the years ...
}
} [6:  01%]  Haggardly I raise the cry:
}            "Woodchucks delendae sunt", say I. ...
}
} Date Due:   30-SEP-1995
} Amount Due: Seventeen copies of "Oh Freddled Gruntbuggly: An
} Anthology".


777-05    (1asyd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose whites are whiter and whose colors are brighter than
> any other brand....
>
> I have an immense interest in computers, and almost no interest in
> sports. Consequently, I am a girl repellent.  I'm looking for interests
> other than computers and sports that I can use to downplay my computer
> interests, in order to rid myself of the invisible sign over my head
> that says "DORK".  I cannot rely entirely on television, because an
> increasing number of people don't watch television.  My musical taste
> lies mostly in the heavy metal genre, which no one seems to like
> anymore.  Other than that, my mind is pretty much a blank slate.  Also,
> I'm too jittery to take up skydiving, so that's right out.  My budget
> forbids the ownership of a car.
>
> What, then, should I take up in order to get a life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, the Oracle's heart goes out to you.  Not that the
} Oracle has *ever* had any problem like the one you describe, because
} the girls at his school preferred the short, skinny, socially inept
} individuals to the muscular ones with good hair. Really.
}
} Not that the Oracle doesn't have good hair.
}
} Anyway, to get on with answering your question, here is a list of a few
} possible activities you could pursue, along with their pros and cons.
}
} ACTIVITY      PRO                            CON
}
} Cooking       Girls are always impressed     You will be forced to do
}               by a guy who knows the diff-   all the cooking for the
}               erence between frying and      rest of your life.
}               sauteeing.
}
} Tarot cards   Great at parties - girls       *Knowing* that you will not
}               will flock around you.         get lucky.
}
} Fundamentalist
} religion:
}    Christian  Lots of very nice girls who    The only topic you can talk
}               are willing to talk to you     about is "How Much Jesus
}               for extended periods of time.  Means To Me."
}
}    Islamic    You can have up to four        You can't actually see what
}               wives.                         they look like until you
}                                              marry them.
}
} Photography   You don't actually have to     People tend to get
}               have any film in the camera    suspicious when you don't
}               to claim you are a scout for   produce any actual
}               a modeling agency.             pictures.
}
} Art           You will seem a cultured,      All the girls you will meet
}               educated individual.           dress in black and read
}                                              poetry that doesn't rhyme.
}
} Politics      Working door-to-door for a     You have to put up with the
}               campaign will allow you to     candidate you are working
}               meet many women.               for.
}
} Environment-  Being passionately committed   You have to stop wearing
}    alism      to a cause makes you look      leather shoes and start
}               good in the eyes of many       separating your trash in
}               girls.                         order to avoid looking like
}                                              a hypocrite.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invisible sign over your head that says "ASK
} ME IF I'VE FOUND GOD."


777-06    (6drsc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why it is so varm in sweden just now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This summer, temperatures have been unusually high. This has had wildly
} varying effects in different parts of Europe and North America,
} depending on local conditions. So, for example, in Sweden and Norway it
} has been unusually varm, while in Denmark it has been unusually var'm.
} In England it has been unusually wawm, while in Scotland it has been
} unusually warrrrrrm. In New York it has been wawwum, in Boston it has
} been wahm, in Chicago it has been waerm, and in Canada it has been
} warm, eh?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bronxian/Brooklynese dictionary.


777-07    (7hqkg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Steeg Cierhart)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Lisa, make a note to remind me how much I hate mimes.
}
}       *ZOT*!


777-08    (5lto7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most scientific Oracle, I just found the solution to the halting
> problem.
>
> The Algroithm goes as follows:
> 1) send the program to the usenet oracle
> 2) if the oracle says it halts, it halts.
>    if the oracle says it does not halt, it does not halt.
>
> I have submitted a paper to comp.bizare and comp.sys.comodore.c64.
> This new scientific insight will probably revolutionize computer
> science, especially program verification.
>
> There is no Nobel Prize for computer science. Please tell me which
> Nobel Prize will I win with my paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} You will win the Nobel Peace Prize, since everyone will be laughing
} too hard to fight after reading it.
}
} By the way, your program both halts and does not halt.
} You owe me Schrodinger's cat.


777-09    (3cvtb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you really know how to think,
> If you were a woman, I'd buy you a drink,
> but no-one can help me except maybe you,
> so Orrie, please tell me, or give me a clue:
>
> I'm writing a poem, I'm writing it twice
> I'm keeping a copy, I'll put it on ice
> 'cause I know the pixies who live in the net
> are changing my words round but I'll catch them yet!
>
> I guess what I need is an idea for bait
> to put in the pixie trap I did create.
> I've carefully tuned it, it's time for a test,
> so Orrie, please tell me, what pixies like best!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a serious problem that you've brought to me
} You're truly concerned, now that's plain to see.
} But I cannot help you, my powers must fall,
} 'Cause pixels don't live in the Network at all!
}
} A pixel's existence is local, you see...
} It lives on the screen of your CRT.
} Its wants are quite simple, its needs very few,
} All that it lusts for is Red, Green and Blue.
}
} A pixel does pictures, it doesn't touch words.
} Well...some people bitmap, but those are all nerds.
} And so if your poems are not getting through,
} We can't blame the pixels, we must look at you.
}
} So if you are certain your poem left intact,
} And arrived at the target a victim of hack,
} Blaming the pixels compares apple to orange,
} And ... errr...
}
} ) Orrie?
}
} ) Yes, Lisa?
}
} ) May I interrupt you for a moment?
}
} ) Sure, go ahead. I seem to have worked myself into a corner here
}   anyway.
}
} ) Orrie, I think the supplicant said "pixies", not "pixels".
}
} ) Huh? Errrr.... neverrrrr miiiiiind!
}
} You owe the Oracle - something in an a-b-a-b. I never did care for
} a-a-b-b. Oh...and throw in a pair of stronger reading glasses while
} you're at it...


777-10    (6twd6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who is more fantastic than even then Fantastics,
> pray tell me:
>
> There's a song that starts, "Try to remember that time in September
> . . ."  Unfortunately, I can't recall how it goes on from there.
> Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try to remember that time in September
} When the supplicants write because they can't remember
} Songs that once put a flame in their hearts
} And they now try to remember how it goes after it starts
} So they pray to the great Oracle indeed
} To tell them how that song will proceed
} And while the question never even mentions a woodchuck
} That I don't Zot you, consider it luck
}
} You owe the oracle the lryics to Stairway to heaven, spelled backwards.


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