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Internet Oracularities #779

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779, 779-01, 779-02, 779-03, 779-04, 779-05, 779-06, 779-07, 779-08, 779-09, 779-10


Usenet Oracularities #779    (81 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 15:37:35 -0500

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   779
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

779   81 votes 6fpr8 3tqj4 28wz4 ajln8 3apml dvs81 ifjk9 guq81 bmve3 4vrd6
779   2.9 mean  3.2   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.6   2.4   2.8   2.4   2.7   2.8


779-01    (6fpr8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and Most Wise Oracle! Please tell me:
>
> Why are some watermelon seeds white and some black?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Affirmative action.


779-02    (3tqj4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your cards are:  10C  JC  QC  KC  4D
> It is your turn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has had to ponder that one for a while now.  We guess, since
} it's our turn we have plenty of options depending on what exactly is
} going on.
}  We happen to know that the question involves the little known game of
} Pop Music Hearts.  In this game, the important cards are:  KC (and the
} Sunshine Band), AC (DC), (American Top) 4D,  (Elton John) QC, and of
} course any and all hearts.  We know that AC(DC) is not quite as strong
} in this game as it used to be, we guess you could say they lost some of
} their Thunder, but in this game they Shook Me All Night Long.  However,
} that still leaves KC(and the Sunshine Band) well in the game.  They
} could easily be expected to pull in at least one hit.  The Oracle,
} though, would hesitate to do what our opponents would expect which is
} to throw the KC(and the Sunshine Band) out to collect their hits.
} Instead, we would lead the ever-popular measurer of Pop Music: that
} standby (American Top)4D.  Yes, (American Top)4D.  We know what you're
} thinking, if our opponents still possessed KD(Jim Brady) in their hand,
} that would be foolish.  But we have that card up our sleeve.
}  Thus the (American Top)4D is the smartest and safest lead, since our
} opponents will be shocked to see it collect the hit and may lead them
} to sloppy play.  We would stay away from (Elton John) QC, just on
} general principles.
}      This is all well and good, but then, we could also be playing
} Stickshe, in which case we would discard the 4D and draw one to the
} straight flush, possible royal.
} That is not, however, the game we are playing today.
}
} You owe the Oracle:  52 Bicycles + 2 Songs by the Steve Miller Band


779-03    (28wz4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain is most certainly larger than that of any
> iguanodon, who has never arrived at an incorrect illation, and who can
> solve the most complicated imbroglio without breaking a sweat-   please
> help this simple indign supplicant.
>
> I have just been appointed the project manager for a large exhibit
> development project at my place of employment/indentured
> servitude/slavery.  But in all of my exposure to other project manager,
> all I have ever seen them do is waste time, gossip, and complain.  So
> please, oh infallible one, tell me what exactly is it that a project
> manager is REALLY supposed to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Sit in your office. If you leave your office, you might really
} find out what is going on.
} 2) Use the phone lots. High phone bills are impressive.
} 3) Demonstrate a fundamental lack of understand for the technology
} involved. Tech is infradig and doesn't suit the image.
} 4) Have looooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg
} meetings. Maximise your exposure.
} 5) Have BIG meetings. Lots and lots and lots of people. The bigger
} the meeting, the smaller the percentage of people who can get their
} say in.
} 6) PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK! Lots and lots of it. Timesheets,
} terms of reference, reports, memos, toilet paper, budgets,
} project management software etc. etc.
} 7) One day flight's to far away places. Good style. Then bitch that
} you were too busy in meetings to even go to the beach.
} 8) Work late. No, take that back. Stay late. Ignore your family.
} 9) In the trio "Heat, light and steam" create little of the second,
} lots of the rest.
} 10) Obfusticate profusely.
} 11) Start lining up the scape goats. We all know this isn't going to
} work.
} 12) Demonstrate surprising ignorance of the details.  It shows you're
} on top of the general plan.
} 13) Talk to, not with people.
} 14) Politics is everything, the exhibition is just the bread for the
} jam. A mere placeholder.
} 15) Build an empire.
} 16) Carve your empire.
} 17) Defend bitterly your empire.
}
} You owe the oracle a large dustbin to hold management books.


779-04    (ajln8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you have asked such a mind-boggling question, so sweeping in its
} breadth and eloquence, I shall employ the very best of my divining
} knowledge to assure you complete accuracy and precision in your answer.
} If you would just indulge me for one moment...
}
} [The Oracle turns his back to you for a moment. During this time, you
} hear the distinct sound of a container of liquid being shaken, then a
} pause and then a pensive "Hmmmmm..." He then turns back to face you.]
}
} It would appear the reply is hazy. Perhaps you should ask again later.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic pool cue to complete his set.


779-05    (3apml dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@inetnebr.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is General Failure?  Why is he reading my disk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene is a large auditorium, at which at the front there is a
} raised stage.  In the back of the stage, a huge flag with the Windows
} logo is draped.  Hundreds of troops mill about, talking to each other
} nervously.]
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Troops, A-TEN-SHUN!
}
} [A large man in a military uniforms walks in on the stage.  He's
} wearing a round helmet with five stars on it, and carries a swagger
} stick.  His uniform is highly adorned with microchips and CD-ROMS.]
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: At ease, troops.  You are all here for a reason.  And
} that reason is because you're the best.  And we need the best.  Because
} we need you all for Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail."
}
} [A private in the front rows raises his hand.]
}
} GF: Go ahead, son.
}
} PRIVATE BUGG: Sir, what is the purpose of this mission?
}
} GF: Good question.  We need to go deep into enemy territory, into
} Sector 271, and scramble some data.  This will consit of a diversionary
} strike on the FAT while Bravo Battalion makes the main thrust.  After
} securing the sector, a artillary barrage of dust motes and hand magnets
} should cause the damage needed to succeed at our mission.
}
} CORPORAL EYEARRQUE: Well, sir, what's so important in this sector?
}
} GF: The purpose of Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail." is simple:  We are
} to locate, and detroy, the enemy's COMMAND.EXE!  Why?  We're paving the
} way for General Protection-Fault (my step-brother) to lead his forces
} in installing a puppet governor, El Presidente Win95, in it's place.
} The CPU will be under our complete control!  Project "Gatesland" will
} be a complete success!  THERE WILL BE NO STOPPING US!
}
} [the crowd starts to cheer and chant.  A large picture of a individual
} wearing glasses and a REALLY bad haircut unfurls behind General
} Failure. He's wearing a toga and lurel leaves.]
}
} [All of the sudden, red lights start to flash and klaxons start to
} sound.]
}
} SPEAKER: Red alert!  Red alert!  All hands to battlestations!  This is
} for real!  I repeat: this is not a Undocumented Feature!
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: What's happening Sergeant?
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Admiral Scott Norton is attacking!
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: Oh, the Fury(3) of it all!  Activate the Backup plan!
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Um, sir... Backup wasn't implimented in this
} version. We were going to put the patch out next week...
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: This could be a Pitfall in our plans..
}
} [A tank bursts through the wall.  It's schoolbus-yellow and has the
} words "NORTON DISKDOCTOR" printed on the side of the tank.]
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle the head of the programmer who designed "Hover".


779-06    (dvs81 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Elvis still alive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Elvis was cloned shortly before he died, and a sex change operation was
} performed on the clone when it was very young, transforming it into
} Lisa Marie, who has successfully passed for Elvis's "daughter" for
} several years. We have proof of this, but we believe in letting
} sleeping hound-dogs lie.


779-07    (ifjk9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who has sold more than fifteen hundred shirts, and glows in
> the dark:
>
> How much fir could Joel Furr fir if Joel Furr could fir fir?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is so sick of this flaming of Mr. Furr.  Besides having an
} incredibly stupid name suggestive of thoughts only appropriate to
} sophomoric humor, he is mostly harmless.
}
} Therefore, we bring you...
}
}   SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
}
} "Orrie, snookums, can we talk?"
}
} "Can it wait, Lisa?  The game is coming on in a minute."
}
} "No it can't.  We have to do something and do it soon."
}
} "Fine, go upstairs and warm up the vibrator and I'll be up in a
} minute."
}
} "Not that.  Now, put that remote control down and listen to me.  I
} can't stand living here another second."
}
} "Now what?  It's the toilet seat again, isn't it?"
}
} "No, it's.... You didn't leave it up again did you?"
}
} "Well, not really..."
}
} "Oh, for crying out loud, what am I going to do with you?"
}
} "Leave me alone so I can watch the game?"
}
} "No, of course not, now listen.  It's this stupid place.  I can't stand
} it anymore."
}
} "Gimme a break.  You just remodeled the kitchen last winter."
}
} "That's just it.  The kitchen looks fabulous, the new carpeting is
} devine, and the slipcovers make the place look like a palace instead of
} some crummy pigsty."
}
} "Lisa, you're talking about my temple!"
}
} "Temple, shmemple.  Before I came it was no better than a dive where
} you and your buddies drank beer, ate take-out Chinese, and played poker
} all night long."
}
} "So, what's your point?"
}
} "My point is this:  Orrie, Sweetie, the inside looks like a place fit
} for an immortal being and the outside looks like a crummy building on
} the Indiana University campus."
}
} "It is a building on the Indiana University campus."
}
} "But that doesn't mean it has to look like one.  Orrie, Orrie, Orrie,
} my little Kielbasa, you're too good for some sleazy marble ediface in
} the middle of nowhere."
}
} "I'll have you know I'm an omniscient, omnipotent, all-powerful being,
} whereas you're just a..."
}
} "I'm just 39-24-36 with creamy white skin, blonde hair, and a hardbody
} and if you want any of it in the forseeable future, you will put that
} remote down, turn off the TV and listen to me."
}
} "Oh, all right.  What for the love of Newt do you want to do now?"
}
} "Oh, Orrie, don't take that tone of voice... Can't you picture it?  We
} do a little landscaping, a little brickwork, put in a gazebo, a
} fountain, some aluminmum siding, some topiary in the shape of the nine
} muses..."
}
} "ALUMINUM SIDING!"
}
} "Orrie, you're not listening.  Now sit down here, next to me.  That's a
} good omniscient being.  Now, look, picture, if you will....  all right;
} that's not funny."
}
} "What?"
}
} "You know what.  Pur your hand on your own side of the couch mister."
}
} "Oh, come on Lisa, I wasn't doing anything."
}
} "Right.  And we can arrange it so you aren't doing anything for a good
} long time, Mr. Blueballs."
}
} "Ok.  Fine."
}
} "Now, as I was saying, can't you see it?  We put aluminum siding on the
} outside and you'll never have to paint this place again."
}
} "You don't paint marble."
}
} "That's what I just said.  You don't paint it.  Ever.  Or plaster it.
} Or anything it.  It looks like some crummy...."
}
} "We've been through that.  Get to the point"
}
} "The point is that I'm embarrassed to be seen outside this place.  I
} can't invite anyone over..."
}
} "AH HA!"
}
} "Ah who?"
}
} "AH HA!  That's it.  Your sister's coming to visit; isn't she?"
}
} "Well, not exactly..."
}
} "Lisa!"
}
} "Oh, all right, yes she is."
}
} "Is she bringing those stupid brats and that twit again."
}
} "Darrel is not a twit.  He's a computer programmer."
}
} "Well excuuuu-uuuse me!"
}
} "He's a very good programmer and he owns his own software company and
} he sold some of those programs to Microsoft and everything."
}
} "Now it comes out.  All right.  What did they do now."
}
} "I don't see why you have to take that tone."
}
} "You just got a letter from her.  Out with it."
}
} "Oh, all right.  Darrel just bought her a villa on the Mediterranean
} and she's sending me videos and everything."
}
} "A villa on the...."
}
} "That's right.  Make fun of me.  I try.  I really do.  I know you're
} important and all but, but, but,...."
}
} "Lisa, stop it.  You know I can't stand it when you cry.  Lisa.  Lisa.
} LISA!"
}
} "That's ok.  That's ok.  I'll be all right...it's just that...that...
} she's always done this to me.  Ever since we were kids."
}
} "Done what?"
}
} "Like when we went to the prom.  My date came in a limousine."
}
} "Very nice."
}
} "Yeah, but hers rented the Concorde and flew her to Paris.  Oh Orrie, I
} don't ask for much."
}
} "Except for more foreplay"
}
} "Well you do have to admit you do go straight for the bullseye rather
} fast."
}
} "You can't blame me.  Not with those..."
}
} "No, I suppose I can't....Orrie!  Stop that.  Orrie.  Orrie....
} Orrie.... Oh, Orrieeeeeeeeeee......  Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh....  Oh
} dear, don't you think you ought to pull the shade."
}
} "Who cares?"
}
} "Well the neighbors might be watching."
}
} "Let them."
}
} "Now, Orrie, be nice."
}
} "I am being nice."
}
} "Well, yes you are, and, uh, oh, oh, OH! Sorry.  That tickled."
}
} "I know you like it."
}
} "Yes, but I'd like it even better with aluminum siding."
}
} "What?"
}
} "Nothing............So, can I make the call?"
}
} "What call?"
}
} "To Olympus siding, Silly!"
}
} "Sure.  Whatever.  Hey, let's go upstairs."
}
} "Why not.  I'll go warm up the vibrator.  You go put the seat down."
}
} "Sure.  See ya in a few..."
}
} [CURTAIN]


779-08    (guq81 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle superior, teaser of bureaucrats, please tell me:
>
> Is there a galactic government?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, there is no individual Galactic Government. However, to avoid
} upsetting those in power who insist on alliterating their governing
} bodies, there is a Cosmic Committee, a Universal Union and a
} superstring strike force.
}
} You owe the oracle an alltierative sentence longer than:
} Tis time to tell the ten tall towering trees to tell the tallest tower
} that tis time to throw the towel to the tallest throne, telling the
} town that 'tis truly thirty three!


779-09    (bmve3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omniscient Oracle...
>
> What will the effects of the Time Warner-Turner merger be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a look at some upcoming events:
}
} - March 12, 1996: The Warner Brothers cartoon characters, separated
} since Turner purchased many of the classics, reunite with a vengeance,
} taking over upper management and key executive positions at the new
} T-W-T megacorp. Nepotism runs rampant as old-time cartoon characters
} use their influence to get jobs for their lesser-known cartoon friends
} and relatives.
}
} - May 8th, 1996: T-W-T's announces that it plans to purchase the Disney
} company; the Justice Department launches an investigation into T-W-T's
} potential monopoly on cartoon characters. In a plea-bargain agreement,
} T-W-T agrees not to purchase Disney if charges are dropped against
} them.
}
} - June 17th, 1996: T-W-T begins production of the most expensive
} full-length animated movie in history, code-named "Warners," scheduled
} to be released in early 1997.
}
} - February 6th, 1997: T-W-T announces delays in the production of the
} much anticipated movie, now renamed "Warners 97."
}
} - August 22nd, 1997: Way over budget and schedule, "Warners 97" is
} finally released amid much fanfare and hoopla. Movie projectionists
} across the country report problems fitting the reels onto existing
} projectors. Riots break out in theaters as shows are canceled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "FantasiAIX."


779-10    (4vrd6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most intelligent, whose GPA is greater than the highest couse
> numbers, yea even those really hard ones:  What classes should I take
> in school this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are a few of my favorites:
}
} PHILOSOPHY
} 21.775  Beliefs of the Ancient Geeks  -  3 hrs MWF - Prof. Tuo
} Certain people of antiquity were obviously hackers, including Lady
} Lovelace and Charles Babbage.  Other probable geeks include
} Archimedes, James Watt, Michael Faraday, Rev. Dodgson, Melville Clark,
} and Hiram Percy Maxim.  What would they have accomplished if modern
} computers had been available to them?
}
} MATHEMATICS
} 18.954  Balanced Ternary  -  2 hrs TT - Mr. Pobbo
} We study the implications, mathematical, numerical, computational and
} social, of the balanced ternary system, in which the digits are -1, 0
} and +1, represented by p, o and b, respectively.  Little work has been
} done in this notation, so the direction of the course is open to the
} suggestions of the students.  Negation by inversion will be
} demonstrated.
}
} CHEMISTRY
} 5.008  Things that go Boom  -  One session, NC - Prof. Plouff
} (Prof. Plouff is new to the department, replacing the late Prof. Phew,
} who passed away just before Fall Session.)  Why do some chemistry
} experiments have more violent results than others?  This exciting
} hands-on demonstration seeks the answer.  Approval from next of kin
} required.
}
} ENGLISH
} 31.882PA  The Pumpkin Man in Literature - FSS 3 hrs - Prof. Cobb
} (This course has been cancelled.)
}
} You owe the Oracle tenure.


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