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Internet Oracularities #78

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78, 78-01, 78-02, 78-03, 78-04, 78-05, 78-06, 78-07, 78-08, 78-09, 78-10


Usenet Oracularities #78
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Dec 89 20:13:31 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


78-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mare's eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.  A kid'll
> eat ivy, too, won't you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isn't that "wouldn't you?"
}
} That's okay.  It's a cool song.
}
} I wouldn't eat ivy if given a choice.  Sorry.
}
} You owe the oracle the lyrics to "Moonlight Bay."


78-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I do indeed think electronic invisible ink is a good idea.  All you
} need to do is invent one of those little pens to rub across it to make
} it show up.  Good luck!


78-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HOW DO i GET RID OF ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Press the "Caps Lock" key, JUST ONCE LIKE THAT.
}
} You owe the oracle a Dvorak keyboard.
}
} PS, DON'T SHOUT!


78-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can a computer get stoned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but it takes two or three tabs of high-quality LCD.


78-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is full of eels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ernie the Eel-swallower.
}
} "There's something about eeling,
}  It gives me such a feeling,
}  It just leaves me reeling,
}  Oh, the art of eeling."
}
} You owe the oracle a decent singing voice.


78-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A mortal's curiosity begs a question from the all-seeing Oracle:  Are
> you related to Ann Landers or Abigail Van Buren?  Are they Oracles too?
> If so, do you guys ever get together and go out and do things, or
> recollect over old times?  And how come you don't mail out little
> booklets like "Everything you need to know about Teen Sex"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abby van Buren is my great-uncle's stepsister, but it's not worth
} mentioning.  Ann Landers is too surreal to be a relative of anyone, much
} less of me.  I rarely have anything to do with either of them.  I mail
} out booklets about:
} - How to order little Oracle booklets
} - Where to find lost objects
} - The best and worst restaurants in New Yrok Sity
} - How to recognize the signs of beet addiction
} - Guide to Soap Operas about Badgers
} - When your goldfish is not getting enough sex: crisis in a fishbowl
} - How to grow marijuana in Petri dishes
} - Angst, Free-Floating Anxiety, Depression, and Other Good Christmas
}   Presents
} - Seven Last Words of Dan Quayle


78-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Most Oracle-Like Unit of Existance,
> O, Most All-Knowing of Pundits,
> O, Most High and Interesting One,
> O, Originator of Poetry and Pummeler of Idiots,
> Tell Me This:
>
>       If the Oracle is all-knowing,
>       Why do you take so long to answer my questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mens longa, maila brevis
}
} (The mind is enduring, but the mail daemon is down pretty often.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the first day of spring.


78-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the hell did I put my keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check.
}
} [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@.  ring ...  ring ...  ri]
}
} Hell Operator:  yeah, mucus pod, whaddya want?
}
} Oracle:  Lost and Found, please
}
} HO:  You'll never find it!  It's gone forever!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  I'll
} connect you, eel face, and I'll listen in just for giggles!  hee hee hee
} hee!
}
} [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ]
}
} Barfiel:  Division of Lost Souls, Barfiel speaking, how may we ...  er
} ...  assist you?
}
} O:  The Hell Operator has screwed up.  I was asking for Lost+Found.
}
} B:  Aieeee!  The Hell Operator!!!  I kill the Hell Operator!!!!  very
} soon!!  much agony!!!!!!!  But now I transfer you, fool of a mortal!!
} Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
}
} [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...]
}
} Kazusnutiel:  Lost and Found, what may I lose for you?
}
} O:  Where are xxxxxxx@xxxx.xxxx.xx.xxx's keys?
}
} K:  Keys!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  That pitiful worm should be
} *glad* that all we have are his keys!  We'll get his soul soon, just you
} wait and see!  Ha ha ha haha ha haha ha haha ha ha!  And we'll *never*
} let it go!  It'll stew in our waiting room forever!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha
} ha ha ha ha!
}
} O:  Just tell me where the keys are, please.
}
} K:  He'll *never* find them!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Never,
} never!  We took those keys and tore them to little bitty shreds and
} scattered them in the river of pitch of the fifth Bolgia of Malebolge,
} where the dead souls of grafters will fight endlessly over them!  Ha ha
} ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
}
} O:  No, you didn't.  Where are they?
}
} K:  Arrh!  You loathly swine-wasp!  All right!  We took those keys and
} froze them in the ice right next to the feet of Satan Merkratrig!
}
} O:  No, you didn't.  Where are they?
}
} K:  All right, all right.  Just you wait 'tlll *you* get lost, and we'll
} see who believes who!  They're in the slush of the third circle, under
} the wraith of Luigi "Lotsa Bananas" Marcchatione, a petty mobster who
} died of a surfeit of ice cream in 1933.  I'll have them sent up to you
} -- stinking of the slush of Hell, damn you!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
} ha!
}
} O:  Thank you for your kind assistance.
}
} K:  Take your thanks and cram them up your throat, you stinking pool of
} badger shit!
}
} [click]
}
} You owe the Oracle the long-distance phone charges.


78-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It sure gets boring on the BITNET lists around Christmas.  What's going
> on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Tis the season to be merry
}    lah di dah di ha ha ha and hullabaloo!
} Yo!  What's up with pickled cherry?
}    lah di dah di poo boo bah and half a screw!
} Send we now UNSUB to LISTSERV
}    lah di dah, lah di dah, VM2
} So that we can unscrub whiskers
}    lah di dah di dah di dah, oooh oooh ooooh.


78-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where ever I live my home quickly fills up with fishes.  Last week I
> move.  Today I come home from church and I find thirty two sick trout on
> my couch.  Quick quick I put them in water, but still they die.  Where
> come from all these fishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is no doubt an attempt by Richard Sexton to convince you of the
} necessity of reading sci.aquaria.  He seems to feel that if you read
} this group, you would know what to do with the fish.  Your recommended
} course of action is (1) inform Mr.  Sexton how bogus sci.aquaria is or
} (2) get use to having freshwater fish for dinner.
}
} A third but somewhat less desirable action is to convert your living
} room into a huge aquarium.
}
} A fourth option is to stop going to church.


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