} The Oracle resurrects Aristotle and Kant, and places a open bag of
} Ruffles before each.
} Orrie: "Now, who can eat just one?"
} Aristotle: "Why would anyone not want to eat just one? One is the
} measure of all things, from which all else is built. One is
} unity, and symbolizes purity. Therefore clearly I could eat
} just one."
} Orrie: "Yes, well you still haven't tried them."
} Aristotle eats a chip, and another, and another. "Mmmm. Very good."
} Orrie: "Hah! So you can't eat just one."
} Aristotle points to the bag of chips. "This? This doesn't matter.
} What matters is thought, and a have logically shown that I can
} eat just one." [munch]
} Orrie: [turns to Kant] "How about you?"
} Kant: "Clearly we can't discover anything by just thinking about it.
} We must perform an empirical experiment." [Eats a chip.]
} "Yes, I this is evidence that I can eat just one. However a
} single experiment conveys little information. We must verify the
} results." [Eats another chip.] "Yes, this corroborates the first
} experiment. Still, more evidence would be helpful." [Eats more
} Orrie: "It appears neither of you can eat just one."
} Aristotle: "What! I have logically proven that I can eat only one."
} [munch] Kant: "And I have-" [munch] "-performed many experiments
} showing that I can eat just one."
} Orrie: "Thank you gentlemen." *POOF*
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Aristotle v. Kant --- both lose."
} Orrie: "Hmmm. They ate all my Ruffles. Now I'll have to perform
} some different tests."
} An art dealer suddenly appears. "Zat am I doink here? And zo are you?"
} Orrie: "I need you to appraise these."
} Dealer: "Zwa? Es dis an original Rembrant? And dis a Van Gogh? Vere
} did you get dese?!"
} Orrie: "The curator of the Hermitage had a question... But that's
} another story. Which is worth more?"
} Dealer: "Dese are both priceless! Rembrant and Van Gogh zere both
} brillant painters!"
} Orrie: "Yes, but who's the _winner_?"
} Dealer: "Vell, de Van Gogh ist probably vurth more, because Van Gogh
} painted less. Ee ad a miserable life, you know."
} Orrie: "And Rembrant didn't?"
} Dealer: "Yes, dat's right."
} Orrie: "So Rembrant was the winner, but if you want to be a winner
} you'll own the Van Gogh rather than the Rembrant?"
} Dealer: "I suppose...."
} Orrie: "Thank you." *POOF*
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Rembrant v. Van Gogh --- Van Gogh died
} penniless and insane. Rembrant wins."
} A musician suddenly appears. "Hey!"
} Orrie: "You're a classical musician, aren't you?"
} Musician: "Yeah. Who are you?"
} Orrie: "I'm the Usenet Oracle. You owe the Oracle a autographed
} original of one of Mozart's compositions. And try to grovel when
} you ask a question."
} Musician: "What's going on here?!"
} Orrie: *Zot* "Remember what I said about grovelling?"
} Musician: "OWWWW! Ouch, oww."
} Orrie: "Who's more popular, Beethoven or Bach?"
} Musician: "Geee, I don't know."
} Orrie: "Who's more widely known then?"
} Musician: "More widely known? What do you mean?"
} Orrie: "Who's work reaches the farthest?"
} Musician: "Well, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is on those records that
} NASA puts on those space probes."
} Orrie: "And Bach's work is not?"
} Musician: "Not that I know of. But they also have 'Johnny B. Goode'."
} Orrie: "Thank you." *POOF*
} Oracle write down on clipboard "Bach v. Beethoven --- Bach loses to
} Johnny B. Goode. Beethoven wins."
} Orrie: "This is too much work."
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Da Vinci v. Kepler --- Da Vinci is two
} words and seven letters. Kepler is only one word and six
} letters. Da Vinci wins."
} Supplicant, here are the results you wished for:
} Bach vs. Beethoven: Beethoven wins
} Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh: Rembrandt wins
} Da Vinci vs. Kepler: Da Vinci wins
} And in philosophy no one wins. Remeber that philosophy majors
} when you get out into the real world.
} You owe the Oracle some bags of Ruffles potato chips to replace those
} eaten by Kant and Aristotle.