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Internet Oracularities #780

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780, 780-01, 780-02, 780-03, 780-04, 780-05, 780-06, 780-07, 780-08, 780-09, 780-10


Usenet Oracularities #780    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 12:57:56 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   780
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

780   86 votes 6tyb6 28hut acrra 7ozi2 7vwb5 8mxj4 esuc2 btkh9 3horf 4kCk4
780   3.0 mean  2.8   3.9   3.2   2.8   2.7   2.9   2.5   2.8   3.4   3.0


780-01    (6tyb6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
>
> What's for dinner tonight?
>
> -L

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa
}
} Is it Monday again all ready? We've got to get some help that does't
} need days off.  It wasn't like this back in Delphi, the virgins were
} there to knock up a bit of ambrosia 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
}
} OK I'll think of something lets do a quick scan of the food groups for
} some new ideas........
}
} alt.food                   nothing
} alt.food.chocolate         nothing
} alt.food.cocacola          nothing
} alt.food.coffee            nothing
} alt.food.dennys            nothing
} alt.food.fast-food         nothing
} alt.food.fat-free          nothing
} alt.food.ice-cream         nothing
} alt.food.low-fat           nothing
} alt.food.mcdonalds         *BARF*
} alt.food.pancakes          nothing
} alt.food.peeps             nothing
} alt.food.professionals     nothing
} alt.food.red-lobster       nothing
} alt.food.sushi             nothing
} alt.food.taco-bell         nothing
} alt.food.waffle-house      nothing
} alt.food.wine              nothing
} rec.food.chocolate         nothing
} rec.food.cooking           nothing
} rec.food.drink             nothing
} rec.food.drink.beer        nothing
} rec.food.drink.coffee      nothing
} rec.food.drink.tea         nothing
} rec.food.historic          nothing
} rec.food.preserving        nothing
} rec.food.recipes           nothing
} rec.food.restaurants       nothing
} rec.food.sourdough         nothing
} rec.food.veg               nothing
}
} Not a thing that I fancy.
}
} Just one last place to look.
}
}                         *************
} alt.spam                 ***BINGO***
}                         *************
}
} Ah the very thing, havn't had this in ages.
}
} --------------------------------------------------------------------
} Subject: Take back the SPAM!! + recipe
} From: Scott Madison <smadis@sandia.gov>, Sandia National Labs
} Date: 20 Sep 95 18:39:27 GMT
}
} Road Kill SPAM
}
} Take a can of spam, put it on a busy highway. Wait for it to
} get run over.  Take the pulpy remains (throwing away the bits
} of tin) and eat it.
} --------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} I may be a bit late, could you sort out the slaw.
}
} Orrie


780-02    (28hut dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who CAN eat just one potato chip, please tell me
> this:
>
> We've got a betting pool going on with regards to famous matchups in
> history.  Who would have won these?
>
> Bach vs. Beethoven
> Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh
> Aristotle vs. Kant
> Da Vinci vs. Kepler
>
> (just so you know, my money's on Bach.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle resurrects Aristotle and Kant, and places a open bag of
}       Ruffles before each.
}
} Orrie:  "Now, who can eat just one?"
} Aristotle:  "Why would anyone not want to eat just one?  One is the
}       measure of all things, from which all else is built.  One is
}       unity, and symbolizes purity.  Therefore clearly I could eat
}       just one."
} Orrie:  "Yes, well you still haven't tried them."
} Aristotle eats a chip, and another, and another.  "Mmmm.  Very good."
} Orrie:  "Hah!  So you can't eat just one."
} Aristotle points to the bag of chips.  "This?  This doesn't matter.
}       What matters is thought, and a have logically shown that I can
}       eat just one."  [munch]
} Orrie:  [turns to Kant]  "How about you?"
} Kant:  "Clearly we can't discover anything by just thinking about it.
}       We must perform an empirical experiment."  [Eats a chip.]
}       "Yes, I this is evidence that I can eat just one.  However a
}       single experiment conveys little information.  We must verify the
}       results." [Eats another chip.]  "Yes, this corroborates the first
}       experiment. Still, more evidence would be helpful."  [Eats more
}       chips.]
} Orrie:  "It appears neither of you can eat just one."
} Aristotle:  "What!  I have logically proven that I can eat only one."
} [munch] Kant:  "And I have-"  [munch]  "-performed many experiments
}       showing that I can eat just one."
} Orrie:  "Thank you gentlemen."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Aristotle v. Kant --- both lose."
}
} Orrie:  "Hmmm.  They ate all my Ruffles.  Now I'll have to perform
}       some different tests."
} An art dealer suddenly appears.  "Zat am I doink here?  And zo are you?"
} Orrie:  "I need you to appraise these."
} Dealer:  "Zwa?  Es dis an original Rembrant?  And dis a Van Gogh?  Vere
}       did you get dese?!"
} Orrie:  "The curator of the Hermitage had a question... But that's
}       another story.  Which is worth more?"
} Dealer:  "Dese are both priceless!  Rembrant and Van Gogh zere both
}       brillant painters!"
} Orrie:  "Yes, but who's the _winner_?"
} Dealer:  "Vell, de Van Gogh ist probably vurth more, because Van Gogh
}       painted less.  Ee ad a miserable life, you know."
} Orrie:  "And Rembrant didn't?"
} Dealer:  "Yes, dat's right."
} Orrie:  "So Rembrant was the winner, but if you want to be a winner
}       you'll own the Van Gogh rather than the Rembrant?"
} Dealer:  "I suppose...."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Rembrant v. Van Gogh --- Van Gogh died
}       penniless and insane.  Rembrant wins."
}
} A musician suddenly appears.  "Hey!"
} Orrie:  "You're a classical musician, aren't you?"
} Musician:  "Yeah.  Who are you?"
} Orrie:  "I'm the Usenet Oracle.  You owe the Oracle a autographed
}       original of one of Mozart's compositions.  And try to grovel when
}       you ask a question."
} Musician:  "What's going on here?!"
} Orrie:  *Zot*  "Remember what I said about grovelling?"
} Musician:  "OWWWW!  Ouch, oww."
} Orrie:  "Who's more popular, Beethoven or Bach?"
} Musician:  "Geee, I don't know."
} Orrie:  "Who's more widely known then?"
} Musician:  "More widely known?  What do you mean?"
} Orrie:  "Who's work reaches the farthest?"
} Musician:  "Well, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is on those records that
}       NASA puts on those space probes."
} Orrie:  "And Bach's work is not?"
} Musician:  "Not that I know of.  But they also have 'Johnny B. Goode'."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle write down on clipboard "Bach v. Beethoven --- Bach loses to
}       Johnny B. Goode.  Beethoven wins."
}
} Orrie:  "This is too much work."
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Da Vinci v. Kepler --- Da Vinci is two
}       words and seven letters.  Kepler is only one word and six
}       letters. Da Vinci wins."
}
}   Supplicant, here are the results you wished for:
}       Bach vs. Beethoven:  Beethoven wins
}       Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh:  Rembrandt wins
}       Da Vinci vs. Kepler:  Da Vinci wins
}       And in philosophy no one wins.  Remeber that philosophy majors
}               when you get out into the real world.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bags of Ruffles potato chips to replace those
} eaten by Kant and Aristotle.


780-03    (acrra dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, oo you are so big and just, well, super....
>
> I am largely net.isolated and so I haven't encountered him myself but I
> was hoping you could explain this obsession lots of people seem to have
> with Joel Furr.  The impression I get is that he's a moronic control
> freak who can't cope with people doing anything unless they do it his
> way - he also seems to want to be the centre of attention all the time.
>  I've found in my years of net.experience (and life experience for that
> matter) that ignoring these people causes them to shrivel up and die,
> or else mutate into something resembling human...... so what gives?
> Why does everyone seem so obsessed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old King Joel was a merry old soul,
} A merry old soul was he.
} He sent many questions 'bout lemurs,
} Like, "Do they frink frequently?"
}
} At first he was amusing and cute,
} Amusing and cute was he.
} But soon we got annoyed and tired
} Of reading his repartee.
}
} And when Joel wrote that annoying FAQ,
} That annoying FAQ wrote he,
} Orrie decided the time had come
} To *ZOT* him permanently.
}
} Ah, but then Joel posted on Usenet,
} posted on Usenet did he,
} He posted mad notes on the newsgroup
} rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
} He caused massive flames from the readers,
} Flames from the readers caused he.
} So Orrie had no need to *ZOT* him--
} All you guys did it for me!


780-04    (7ozi2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who watches the watchmen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who, indeed!
}
} Actually, in 1995, nobody.  Oh, your question must have fallen in from
} the future.  I'll give you a brief history:
}
} Fall 1997: FOX begins airing The Watchmen, a saturday-morning
}      cartoon.  It's a smash-hit.  Children from all over the world
}      find themselves glued to the TV from 8-8:30 each saturday morning.
}
} Spring 1998, the first action figures and merchandising appear.
}      Rorshach dolls and bleeding smiley-faces become all the rage.
}
} June, 1999, a giant space-alien crashes into New York City.
}      People all over the world are driven near-mad by the burst of
}      psychic energy released (except those who took my advice and
}      were heavily dosed on vallium).
}
} Fall, 1999, The Watchmen show is cancelled, as no one is interested
}      in violent TV shows, anymore.  Everyone simply wants peace.
}
} Later that year, the last person to ever commit a violent crime turns
}      herself in.
}
} October, 2003, real Aliens arrive, and quickly subdue the passive
}      population.  They are fascinated with earth history, and begin
}      airing The Watchmen, again.
}
} December, 2003, humans regain their backbone, and kick the aliens
}      off the planet.
}
} From then, on, *everyone* watches The Watchmen.
}
} You owe TUO burgers 'n borscht.


780-05    (7vwb5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and grand Oracle, I beg, with my face in the dust from your
> gigantic feet, that you please bestow upon me a miniscule dose of your
> wisdom.
>
> I have been watching the Jack in the Box commercials lately.  Is it
> true that the head of a major corporation in America is a clown?  Are
> there any other instances of clowns in disguise in our culture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While clowns do indeed run rampant in the business world, particularly
} in sales and marketing, this is not the case with Mr. J. "Jack in the"
} Box.
}
} He is afflicted with craniofiberglasia, a congenital condition that
} afflicts approximately one in 35 fictional persons. As seen in Box's
} case, it typically manifests itself as an unusually large head with
} exaggerated features. The skin takes on a milky appearance. The patient
} has little or no control over his facial expressions, and the voice
} becomes muffled. He may also display impaired motor skills and show
} difficulty negotiating obstacles such as doorways, furniture and small
} children.
}
} Since the patient often resembles a circus professional, he may be
} embarassed to be out in public and attempt to disguise himself as a
} bear, chicken, or unusually pigmented reptile. While there are few
} corporate successes like Box, many have achieved fame and fortune in
} the entertainment industry.
}
} It should be noted that Box has fully accepted his condition and
} refuses to even consider plastic surgery.
}
} You owe the Oracle an antenna ball.


780-06    (8mxj4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who is more than just 'netscape enhanced', please tell
> me;
>
> Which is the best html language? Netscape, HTML 3.0, HotJava, or
> something else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None of the above. The best HTML language to use is HTML95, due out by
} Christmas of this year. It'll have full motion video support, real-time
} data compression, total failsafe security, and be pretty darned fast
} too. All HTML 3.11 users should upgrade. What's that, Bill? Oh. It
} won't be out until NEXT year, but boy, will it be good. No more "Can't
} find page" errors, I'll tell ya. What? ANOTHER year? AND you'll have to
} upgrade RAM, hard drive, and processor capabilities?
}
} Use LinHTML.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of HTML Warp and LinHTML.


780-07    (esuc2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, most gracious and good, who knows
> more than Julia Child and Betty Crocker combined, please
> answer my humble question, I pray:
>
> Just what does woodchuck taste like?  Is there a best way
> to prepare this noble rodent?  I live in a large city --
> where can I procure fresh woodchuck?  I'm eager to try this
> new delicacy, and I hope that you will quickly answer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. It tastes like chicken. (But then again what doesn't?)
} 2. Woodchuck is best prepared by ZOTing.
} 3. To find woodchuck, do a askme to oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to dinner.


780-08    (btkh9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and Great Oracle, whose knowledge is the light at the end of the
> tunnel of ignorance and fear,  please give me your take on this:
>
> It seems that there is a nasty rumor going around that your Priests are
> required to take a vow of celibacy and that as a result, Dr. Noe hasn't
> been able to get any lately.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your mouth says Noe Noe Noe, but your eyes say Yes, Yes, Yes.


780-09    (3horf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:   supplicant@aol.com
} From: Sally Struthers, Director
}       TUO Techincal Correspondence School
} Subj: Test Grade
}
} Hello there student.
}
} I'm glad to announce that you've scored a A+ for Chapter 2 of
} "Introduction To Computers":  "The Enter Key".
}
} We ask that you return the textbook for Chapter 1: "Understanding
} the on/off button" as quickly as possible.  The Microsoft Network is
} opening up for operations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a #2 pencil.  And you owe Sally Struthers a rack
} of ribs.


780-10    (4kCk4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Omniscent Oracle upon whose every word we hang like maggots on
> the hook....
>
> I read last month in 'The Labeller : The monthly journal of The
> Honourable Association of Beer Bottle Label Collectors' that you have
> a large collection of rare and interesting beer bottle labels. I
> wondered if you could share with me (and my colleagues) the stories
> behind some of your favourites....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.
}
} My favourite is of course the last label from the hand-brewed 'Assyrian
} Extra-Dry' beer brewed by the very inventor of beer himself, Assam Al
} En Beer. Unfortunately, not only was beer not very popular in those
} days forcing Assam to stick the labels on himself, but beer label
} adhesive included sugar of lead, leading to Assam's rapid mental
} deteriation. Assam managed to twist the label into a triple mandelbrot
} figure of 16 with his tongue before he collapsed on the table foaming
} at the gills.
}
} Later, Queen Sheba Al Shahid Woodstock tried to imitate Queen
} Cleopatra's success with Mark Antony by having herself delivered to
} Prince Dimitris of Troy wrapped inside a giant beer label (Tunisian
} Malt Special). Unfortunately, Dimitris was on holiday in Tenerife at
} the time of arrival, and Sheba died of starvation while being carried
} across central Europe. Recent image processing work on the label has
} revealed the face of Queen Sheba herself, finally solving the question
} of why Prince Dimitris had headed west in such a hurry.
}
} Then of course there's the famous beer label (Spitfire Supreme) onto
} the back of which Winston Churchill had scrawled secret coded plans for
} the invasion of Europe. Some historians claim that the message 'Alice,
} get me three boxes of Preparation H' was not coded, but actually meant
} what it said. However, I can reveal that this is not true, and will
} remain not true at least until I flog this label to some sucker.
}
} To add a bit of cultural flair, I'd like to include the label from the
} first bottle of beer brewed in Japan, by Yopparai Hebereke of Hiroshima
} in 1869. Some people claim that this beer purloined an American recipe,
} but the Japanese claim that his 'Budstupider' brand was a completely
} independent invention. Yopparai Hebereke went on to lead the Hebereke
} Zaibatsu which during the second world war developed the 'beer bomb',
} his plan to sweep the Americans from the Pacific arena like a 'Divine
} Wind'. Unfortunately, adding Miso paste to the hops didn't cause the
} fatal flatulence that he expected and the plan failed.
}
} Not all of my favourite beer labels are ancient. There is of course the
} famous beer label (Texan Red) that complained to the media after being
} cruelly ripped off the bottle by Bill Clinton. Cynics have asked what
} the label expected after being ordered up to his hotel room via room
} service at 2am in the morning. However, this scandal has caused severe
} and irreparable damage to Bill's reputation.
}
} Though, my true favourite beer label is always the one that I read
} slowly and lingeringly just before I open the ice cold bottle and ....
} ahhhhhh.
}
} You owe The Oracle a six pack, of breweries.


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