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Internet Oracularities #782

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Usenet Oracularities #782    (97 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:06:46 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   782
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

782   97 votes 4btvm 3kvxa 2eqwn awzc8 9flum 9lFk6 5sJe5 2fAya 8hotj 3cuum
782   3.3 mean  3.6   3.3   3.6   2.8   3.4   2.9   2.9   3.4   3.4   3.6


782-01    (4btvm dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gakk!  I just had to fill in a purchase order form.
> It's the first time I've had to do that here, and
> the form has 16 (yes, that's SIXTEEN) carbon copies.
> What the heck are all those copies for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 16-copy form is actually an improvement over the old form, which
} had 32 copies. Unfortunately, the form wouldn't fit in any typewriter
} and it took such pressure to make sure that all copies were legible
} that form-fillers were distinguished by having forearms like Popeye.
}
} Still, even a 16-copy form can be confusing. Here are what the copies
} are for (you'll note that they're also color-coded):
}
} copy 1 (white): for your files
} copy 2 (canary): for the purchasing department's files
} copy 3 (green): for the purchasing department's files after they lose
}       the other one.
} copy 4 (gray): for the office of the Controller
} copy 5 (light blue): for the office of the EEOC
} copy 6 (medium blue): for the office of the ADA Compliance Dept.
} copy 7 (dark blue): for the office of the SETI liason officer
} copy 8 (black): put in an envelope and tape it to the bottom of the
}       second, right-hand drawer of your desk. You will be contacted
}       later. Do not call the police. We mean it.
} copy 9 (plaid): for the office of the Shipping/Receiving Department
} copy 10 (vertical orange stripes): for the office of the NAFTA Liason
}       Officer.
} copy 11 (horizontal blue stripes): for the office of the Trilateral
}       Commission
} copy 12 (horizontal green stripes): for the office of the Council on
}       Foreign Relations.
} copy 13 (robin's egg blue, with just a touch of purple): for the Office
}       of Paperwork Compliance
} copy 14 (off-white, trending towards ivory, but not quite as dark as
}       that): for the Office of Oversight over the Office of Paperwork
}       Complaince.
} copy 15 (light orange with random blue dots): for the files of the
}       Department of Redundancy Department
} copy 16 (red, with flashing yellow lights): forward to the Central
}       Files
}
} There, that was simple, wasn't it? Did you make sure that you signed
} all copies in original? And get all copies notarized? In front of three
} witnesses (non of them blood relatives?). And speaking of blood, what
} did you use to sign them with?
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of carpel tunnel-prevention wristbands.


782-02    (3kvxa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who always mails early in the day...
>
> Is my 9-digit ZIP code 60201-3804 or 60201-3842?  I've gotten both
> answers from various Postal Service sources.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Greetings, Supplicant!
}
} Your zip codes is BOTH 60201-3804 and 60201-3842.  You see, the 3804
} suffix applies to your front porch, your kitchen, and your bedroom,
} while the 3842 suffix applies to your living room, your bathroom, and
} your broom closet. You have to give those folks at the Post Office
} credit.  They've really got that ZIP code thing nailed down.  Now, if
} only the would be able to get my letter across town without losing it.
}
} What this all means, of course, is if you're having that new cookbook
} delivered to your house, you would use the 3804 suffix.  For that
} plunger being delivered rush-priority to help you clean out that
} blocked up toilet, use the 3842 suffix.  The seconds you save may be
} what counts between success and failure.
}
} You owe the Oracle his own stamp.


782-03    (2eqwn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Tanya say yes when I ask her out, or will I make an ass of myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  And Yes.
}
} Oh, okay, I'll explain...
}
} Tuesday, Lunchtime:  You'll ask Tanya out.  Tired of all the great sex
} she's having with Chad (you know, the football player) she'll say
} "yes". After all, she wants to try something "less exciting".
}
} Friday, 6pm:  You pick up Tanya wearing your new suit and driving your
} Dad's Oldsmobile.  She's impressed that you managed to get your acne
} under control.
}
} 6:30pm:  You and Tanya arrive at "Chez Paris", a local high-class
} French restaurant.  You're surprised to learn that Tanya can speak
} French:  She orders the escargot in a light garlic-cream sauce nestled
} in a bed of wild rice with a side order of honey-glazed carrots and a
} glass of white wine.  Not wanting to look ignorant, you attempt to
} order your meal in French as well:  You order green shoe-leather with a
} side of wood-chips and a glass of rotten grape-juice.
}
} 6:45pm:  Attempting to break the ice, you start up a discussion with
} her. The topic switches to Politics, where you loudly and in no
} uncertain terms explain your extreme dislike for the Democratic Party
} in general, and President Clinton in particular.  "Only idiots would
} vote for that slime ball!  I mean, even a retarded monkey could see
} that he's inept and anybody who was stupid enough to vote for him
} should be rounded up and put into a insane asylum!"  At this point,
} Tanya informs you that she had volunteered for the "Clinton In 96"
} campaign.
}
} 7:15pm:  After a uneasy dinner (concluded when, for dessert, you
} ordered yourself and your date a "plastic pie with vanilla frozen cow")
} you decide to go to a movie.  You decide a romantic movie would be the
} best bet, but, alas, you JUST missed "Showgirls", so you settle for
} "Double Happiness". You seem to have made a good choice... she's
} enjoying to movie and starting to lighten up, so you decide to try to
} make your move:  Attempting to act Sophicticated and Suave, you
} casually reach your arm out to put it over her shoulder.  At this exact
} point in time, you'll sneeze, causing your hand to slip and go right
} down her top.  She will NOT be amused.
}
} 9:00pm:  Both of you decide that maybe it's best if you just take her
} home. En route, your car stalls out.  You tell her "I'll put the hood
} up and we'll then get on", but through the mouthful of corn-nuts you
} were eating, SHE heard "Put out or get out."  She empties half a can of
} Pepper Spray into your face and then catches a cab home.
}
} Saturday Morning, 12:30am:  After your eyes stop stinging, you go home.
} Alone, embarrassed, and smelling faintly of jalepeno peppers.
}
} Monday, Lunchtime:  The grapevine finally gets back to you, and you
} find out that Tanya has been in communication with every women in town,
} making you a marked man.  No female will talk to you.  Even prostitutes
} ignore you.
}
} Feeling depressed and still a virgin, you end up in a very interesting
} situation with..ah, well, that's another question.
}
} You owe The Oracle the condom in your wallet.  You won't be needing it.


782-04    (awzc8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> While installing my latest Windows-family development package, I was
> asked if I wanted to install the ODBC (Omniscient Divine Being
> Connectivity) driver for Oracle, and of course I did.
>
> Since then, though, all I get is people talking about some lemur guy.
> Is there a switch I omitted?  The online-help just says "Ask the
> Oracle"...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot to invoke the .kill/stupid/thread file. This file was
} created to fix the lemur bug. You must first delete a file, then run
} IQ.exe. At the prompt askme> type the following:
}
} askme> delete c:\askme\ HMWCWCC.com
} askme> IQ.exe
}
} That should repair any rampant lemur bugs running amok in your system.
}
} You owe the Oracle DOS for Dummies.


782-05    (9flum dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O! Are a sea ell ee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aye, de eye owe tea.


782-06    (9lFk6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise all -knowing Oracle on the Net: Tell me! Why is my computer so
> slowly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, obviously you need to speed it up to use your grammar checker,
} because your typing is so badly.
}
} Your computer is slow because it's more than 2 months old, and none of
} the latest operating systems work on systems that ancient.  But a cheap
} way to speed it up is to drop it off the roof of a tall building.


782-07    (5sJe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and wonderful oracle, who knows everything there is to know
> about dental hygene; please answer this supplicant's question:
>
>     What toothpaste is best for patching small holes in drywall?  What
> colors do different brands produce, and do they all show up under
> blacklight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the first place make sure you always use a toothpaste that is
} jointly recommended by the ADA (that's American Dental Association) as
} well as the ADA (that's American Drywall Association). Second, check
} the label for how much "F" is included (that tells you how brightly it
} will fluoresce under black light). Finally, new federal regulations
} require that the color be indicated by the percentage of inert
} ingredients (just multiply by 30 to get angstroms).
}
} You owe the Oracle a glossy interior latex paint that leaves his walls
} minty-fresh and kissable.


782-08    (2fAya dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incalculable Oracle, I can always count on you.  (Myself, I'm so
> unreliable that people set their clocks by my absence ... "He's not
> here yet; it must be 1995.")
>
> We in the US have been using Daylight Savings Time since the 1920's.
> Where does the Government keep all the saved daylight, and where can I
> get my share of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Originally, the Department of Defense saved up all the daylight
} from DST, and hoarded it for use in nuclear weapons.  In more
} recent times, however, all the nuclear arms reduction treaties
} have forced the DoD to cut back on their stores of daylight,
} and they have started to release it into the atmosphere.
}
} Now of course when daylight is stored, it has to be compressed.
} There'd never be enough room for it otherwise.  And when
} compressed daylight is released, it usually transforms into
} heat.
}
} The DoD, of course, is trying to cover all of this up, blaming
} the effects on automobiles and coal-fired factories.  But the
} release of all this stored daylight is the real cause of global
} warming.
}
} You owe the Oracle a parasol.


782-09    (8hotj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings, Friend Oracle!
>
> As a avid Role-Playing Gamer, I've noticed a couple things in common
> with you (The Usenet Oracle) and The Computer from the RPG "Paranoia"
> from West End Games.  Please bear with me.
>
> Physical Description:  The Oracle is most often described as a large
> eye in a computer monitor.  The Computer is most ofter described as a
> large eye in a computer monitor as well.
>
> Information:  The Oracle will answer any question if your Grovel is big
> enough.  The Computer will answer any question if your Security
> Clearance is high enough.
>
> Location:  The Computer resides in Alpha Complex, a large underground
> city.  The Oracle resides at Indiana University in a underground lab.
>
> Punishment:  If you tick off The Oracle, you'll be *ZOT*'ed.  If you
> tick off The Computer, you'll be terminated (or reassigned to Reactor
> Shield Duty.)
>
> Personnel:  The Computer has it's elite forces: The Troubleshooters.
> The Oracle has it's elite forces: The Priests.
>
> Pet Peeves:  The Computer has a thing against Mutant Commie Traitors.
> The Oracle expresses a strong dislike against Woodchucks.
>
> Perfection:  The Computer is Perfect In Every Possible Regard.  Just
> ask it.  The Oracle is...uh...hmmmm.... never mind.
>
> So, I guess my question is this:  Is there any relation between you and
> The Computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, do you have that wrong.  Roll 2d2500 for damage.


782-10    (3cuum dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most commendable Oracle, will you write me a letter of recommendation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To whom it may concern:
}
} Please be advised that the bearer of this note is honest, industrious,
} and sober and that he is sure to be an asset in any job where accuracy
} and clean underwear are not of primary importance.
}
} Sincerely yours,
}
} The Usenet Oracle


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