} Yes. And Yes.
} Oh, okay, I'll explain...
} Tuesday, Lunchtime: You'll ask Tanya out. Tired of all the great sex
} she's having with Chad (you know, the football player) she'll say
} "yes". After all, she wants to try something "less exciting".
} Friday, 6pm: You pick up Tanya wearing your new suit and driving your
} Dad's Oldsmobile. She's impressed that you managed to get your acne
} under control.
} 6:30pm: You and Tanya arrive at "Chez Paris", a local high-class
} French restaurant. You're surprised to learn that Tanya can speak
} French: She orders the escargot in a light garlic-cream sauce nestled
} in a bed of wild rice with a side order of honey-glazed carrots and a
} glass of white wine. Not wanting to look ignorant, you attempt to
} order your meal in French as well: You order green shoe-leather with a
} side of wood-chips and a glass of rotten grape-juice.
} 6:45pm: Attempting to break the ice, you start up a discussion with
} her. The topic switches to Politics, where you loudly and in no
} uncertain terms explain your extreme dislike for the Democratic Party
} in general, and President Clinton in particular. "Only idiots would
} vote for that slime ball! I mean, even a retarded monkey could see
} that he's inept and anybody who was stupid enough to vote for him
} should be rounded up and put into a insane asylum!" At this point,
} Tanya informs you that she had volunteered for the "Clinton In 96"
} 7:15pm: After a uneasy dinner (concluded when, for dessert, you
} ordered yourself and your date a "plastic pie with vanilla frozen cow")
} you decide to go to a movie. You decide a romantic movie would be the
} best bet, but, alas, you JUST missed "Showgirls", so you settle for
} "Double Happiness". You seem to have made a good choice... she's
} enjoying to movie and starting to lighten up, so you decide to try to
} make your move: Attempting to act Sophicticated and Suave, you
} casually reach your arm out to put it over her shoulder. At this exact
} point in time, you'll sneeze, causing your hand to slip and go right
} down her top. She will NOT be amused.
} 9:00pm: Both of you decide that maybe it's best if you just take her
} home. En route, your car stalls out. You tell her "I'll put the hood
} up and we'll then get on", but through the mouthful of corn-nuts you
} were eating, SHE heard "Put out or get out." She empties half a can of
} Pepper Spray into your face and then catches a cab home.
} Saturday Morning, 12:30am: After your eyes stop stinging, you go home.
} Alone, embarrassed, and smelling faintly of jalepeno peppers.
} Monday, Lunchtime: The grapevine finally gets back to you, and you
} find out that Tanya has been in communication with every women in town,
} making you a marked man. No female will talk to you. Even prostitutes
} ignore you.
} Feeling depressed and still a virgin, you end up in a very interesting
} situation with..ah, well, that's another question.
} You owe The Oracle the condom in your wallet. You won't be needing it.