} This is not as difficult as it might seem, however there are a few
} rules which you must follow:
} 1. Never select a wine bottle with a cork. You don't know where that
} cork has been. Also, cork is very difficule to sterilize. Cleanliness
} is next to Oracleness, etc.
} 2. Choose a bottle which has been sealed by using a screw-on cap. The
} metal caps are easily kept very clean. See notation #1 above. Also, the
} bouquet from a screw-on cap is something wonderful to behold. Take my
} word, your nose will thank you for this!
} 3. Look for the words "muscatel" or "sulfite" on the label. You might
} have to look in the fine print on the back of the bottle, but trust me,
} these are key words and indicate a wine which is known as the "rascal
} of the vineyards."
} 4. If in doubt, check with the clerk of the liquor store or 7-11 where
} you normally shop. These people, especially the all-night clerks, are
} a vast font of knowledge. Just tell the clerk that you want a wine
} which is "absurb yet flacid."
} Follow these rules, my supplicant, and your dinner cannot go wrong. The
} choice of the correct wine can improve even the most vapid of meals.
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of 1967 "Pagan Pink" by Ripple.