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Internet Oracularities #784

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Usenet Oracularities #784    (88 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 11:45:42 -0500

@@@ Happy Birthday, Usenet Oracle!
@@@
@@@ The Usenet Oracle celebrated it's 6th birthday Sunday, 8 October 1995.
@@@ That's about ... let's see ... 1,320 in Internet years.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   784
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

784   88 votes 5nwl7 3nvn8 7nyea blpn8 gmui2 4gymc eqrd8 8bnvf 7gqng anvl3
784   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.2   2.7   3.4   3.3   2.8


784-01    (5nwl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you, wise Oracle, who can be simultaneously
> at one billion places, and who lives in a
> 92551878-dimensional space (at least),
> I have a big problem.
>
> Our teacher want us to follow a lot of courses,
> unfortunately most of them are at the same hour.
> And they don't accept us to be absent.
>
> So, do you know an efficient way to acquire
> ubiquity? (Some teleportation would also be
> useful)
>
>    A poor maths student in France.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mais oui, mon ami, c'est une space/time probleme (pardon my French).
}
} Since the time part seems to be the invariant quantity here, you need
} to apply your efforts to the space aspect of the problem. True ubiquity
} is a tall order, but you can have at least small parts of you spread
} over a wide area. This of course will involve a not inconsiderable
} quantity of explosive material, so the Oracle has forwarded your
} details to one J. Chirac, Paris.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atoll in the South Pacific and a small
} thermonuclear device.


784-02    (3nvn8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need an answer quickly......Why did I choose pharmacy as my major?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm... That's a toughie. Let's check the crystal ball..
}
} <shakeshake>
} REPLY HAZY.
} TRY AGAIN
}   LATER
}
} Hmm..
} <shakeshake>
} MY SOURCES
}   SAY NO
}
} That's no good, hang on...
} <shakeshakeSHAKE>
} YOU ARE AN INSANE
} IDIOT WHO TRAVELS
} THE HIGHWAY OF PAIN.
} THE PERIODIC TABLE IS
} STAMPED INTO YOUR
} BRAIN AND YOUR HIDDEN
} LUST FOR THE BITTERSWEET
} FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE OF
} ORGANIC CHEMISTRY IS
} UNSHAKEABLE. HOWEVER,
} YOU WILL LOOK RATHER
} SHARP IN YOUR WAL-MART
} UNIFORM. PHARMACY'S
} HOLD ON YOU IS UNBREAKABLE.
}
} Unlike this stupid ball... *Crashtinkletinkle*
}
} You owe the Oracle a new crystal ball. You can have the bits of the old
} one.


784-03    (7nyea dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wondrous Oracle, I just think you're adoracle,
> with your biting wit so ephemeral and humor noncalorical . . .
>
> In what way(s) is the "Krusty the Clown" character
> based on David Letterman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} To determine this important fact, we conducted an experiment. We took
} Dave Letterman and Krusty the Clown to the top floor of Radio City
} Music Hall and threw them off.  Dave made an impressive screaming noise
} and suffered what might be termed "catastrophic disassembly" at
} "terminal impact" (I helped with the Rogers Commission Report.) Three
} and one-half liters of various bodily fluids were collected. Krusty
} made his characteristic laugh and a very loud "boing" noise, rebounding
} from the pavement and bouncing several times. He then resisted all
} attempts at interview and headed across the street to a strip lounge
} and consumed a very large amount of alcohol, groping the waitresses and
} mumbling little endearments such as "my little bowling ball."
}
} We concluded the only things Dave and Krusty have in common are their
} choice of recreations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a canned ham.


784-04    (blpn8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, might bull whose great mental dung fertilizes the
> pastures of knowledge, please tell this humble supplicant..........
>
> Less Filling or Tastes Great?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene is the Oracle's living room in the Temple Of New Delphi
} (Indiana University Branch).  We see the Oracle lounging in a chair,
} watching the Monday Night Game.]
}
} Lisa:  Why do you even bother, Orrie?  You know who's going to win.
}
} Orrie: True.  But I kind of get a kick out of watching you mortals kick
} the stuffing out of each other.
}
} Lisa:  Then why don't you watch, ohhhh... professional wrestling or
} something?
}
} Orrie: Heck, you don't have to be the Oracle to know who's going to win
} a WWF match!  Anyway, it's just no fun anymore without Andre around.
}
} [On the TV screen, you see a average sports bar.  Well, average except
} for the fact that THIS sports bar is overflowing with gorgeous women
} and the bar's inhabitents are split into two seperate camps: One
} shouting "Tastes Great!", the other scream "Less Filling!"]
}
} Orrie: Didn't I *ZOT* this entire line of commercials a few years back?
}
} Lisa:  Wasn't that the Mento's commercials?
}
} Orrie: Mento's?  Oh, yeah.  I remember that smiling idiot and his mute
} friends!  Nah, I lobotomized the lot of them and made them Microsoft
} Vice-Presidents.
}
} [Lisa shivers at the thought]
}
} Orrie: (smiling wickedly) THAT'LL teach 'em.  ["Tastes Great!" "Less
} Filling!"] Oh my, now, what should I do with these dingbats?
}
} Lisa:  Why don't you just answer their question, dear?
}
} Orrie: Seems reasonable.
}
} [A flash of light, and The Oracle appears in the middle of the
} commerical]
}
} CROWD: TASTES GREAT!  LESS FILL..uh...
}
} JOCK: Who are you?
}
} Orrie: I'm the Usenet Oracle.  Holder of Knowledge.  Possessor of the
} cup of Truth.  Etc. Etc.  Anyway, I'm here to answer your question.
}
} JOCK: Oh, um, okay.  [Offers TUO a beer.  Orrie takes a sip.]
}
} Orrie: Hmmm...tastes like Horse Urine.
}
} JOCK #2:  Oh, how would YOU know?  Do you DRINK horse urine?  Hah
} haOUCH! [The Oracle, with a glance, *ZOT*'s the offending Jock.]
}
} Orrie: I'm the Oracle.  I just KNOW.  [Overhead, the words "TASTES
} GREAT!" are magically crossed out.  Orrie takes another sip.]  Hmmm..
} does anybody here REALLY want to know what the calorie content of this
} beer is? [All the bar patrons look up into the sky and start to whistle
} innocently.] That's what I thought. [The words "LESS FILLING!" get
} crossed out as well.]
}
} [In another flash of light, The Oracle appears back on his chair.]
}
} Oracle:  I guess the answer was "None Of The Above".
}
} You owe the Oracle some non-alcoholic beer.  They're great to kill
} weeds with.


784-05    (gmui2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Wonderous Almighty One! (Who would probably make a d*mn good
> DJ!)
>
> I need your expert advice.
>
> I am a DJ, and am currently having trouble putting my playlist together
> for my next show.  Could you please give me some suggestions for love
> songs in any format?  Also, is there any way for me to encourage
> call-ins more than what i am doing?
>
> I appreciate your counsel, O Wise one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dee-gaw, Supplicant!  Considering that there are more love songs than
} positive integers, the Usenet Oracle is a little surprised by your case
} of "spinner's block."  But, I guarantee your call-ins will increase
} exponentially by the time you reach the end of this playlist:
}
}              <Baby Strange>                     T. Rex
}              <88 Lines About 44 Women>          The Nails
}              <Funtime>                          Iggy Pop
}              <Try It>                           The Standells
}              <My Wife and My Dead Wife>         Robyn Hitchcock
}              <I Want to Play with Your Poodle>  Lightnin' Hopkins
}              <SLUT>                             Todd Rundgren
}              <Hot Pool of Womanneed>            The Cramps
}
} There are several more general things you can do to increase listener
} response to your radio program, as well:
}
} 1.   Hire a sidekick.  Vaguely memorable, moderately successful and
} marginally talented former child performers are best.  Give
} preferential hiring consideration to those who have completed rehab for
} addictions of any sort.
}
} 2.   Make puerile, bombastic and/or possibly slanderous comments.  Make
} them often.  Direct them at public figures.  Dedicate a song from the
} playlist to Anita Bryant.  Or Kathy Lee Gifford.
}
} 3.   Have a Burt Bacharach marathon.
}
} 4.   Contests. The teeming masses love 'em!  Nothing clogs the phone
} lines like a freebie.
}
} Mix and match these techniques for maximum effectiveness. Announce that
} you're broadcasting with no pants on in honor of the papal visit, and
} offer $100 to the ninth caller who correctly guesses the color of your
} underwear and the number of days since your sidekick's last bender.
}
} You owe The Oracle every issue of *Trouser Press,* and the complete
} works of Greil Marcus and Peter Guralnick.  Or a 1961 Fender Jaguar.


784-06    (4gymc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, thou who cannot be adequately described
> even with ridiculous superlatives, I beg your indulgence and ask that
> you supply me with an answer to this admittedly adult-oriented
> question:
>
> I have been informed that "all we are is dust in the wind."  If this is
> truly the case, why haven't I been blown lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You haven't asked.  Just walk up to the blower of your choice.  If you
} want him/her to blow you UP, simply strap a few sticks of dynamite to
} your chest and hand over the plunger.  If you want him/her to blow you
} OFF, simply ask the same question you just asked me.  If you want to be
} blown DOWN, I'm afraid you're out of luck.  The big bad wolf is on
} vacation.
}
} You owe the oracle a chance to use this in a conversation without
} getting slapped.


784-07    (eqrd8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I beg of You, an answer to this question
> The answer would be unto me, a pillow I could rest on
> I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, because of this conundrum
> My life, once rich, is now reduced to neverending humdrum
>
> So vexing is my problem, and so dire is my plight
> That I now turn to USENET, in hope of finding Light
> "The Oracle will know" they say, and send me on my way
> I come to you, my hopes are high, Oh! will this be the day?
>
> Now to the point, I cannot lie, though I may quake with fear
> 'Tis said the Oracle does hate this question that I bear
> But I will state my question, and then hastily I'll duck
> So, if a woodchuck did chuck wood, then how much would it chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As for the pillow you seek for your sleepy head,
} many have searched all through their bed,
} But the pillow you seek is not for sleep,
} It is for comfort because you're in too deep.
} The pillow you seek is within your mind,
} the question to ask is "what is my bind"?
} When you have figured this out then look within,
} because the pillow you seek has ALWAYS there been.
}
} The woodchuck riddle has been long a long time in query,
} To have the answer would make many merry.
} But since each woodchuck is as varied as you and I,
} to give you an answer would just be a lie.
} So, until we can talk to the woodchucks many,
} the answer to this is "there can't be any".


784-08    (8bnvf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <press ENTER> wise and mighty: Oracle <C> who knows all, sees all
> and tells all <C?> Y ,who can predict the Superbowl scores weeks in
> advance <C?> Y , who is really neat <C?> Y ,who is the epitome of
> fashion long before it shows up in Playboy <C?> , who is really neat
> <C?> N ; AUTOGROVEL terminated;
>   I have written a really cool piece of software, the nature of which I
> naturally can't reveal, but lots of people will find it handy.  The
> question is, should I try to market it commercially, release it as
> shareware, or just make it freeware as a gesture of humanitarian good
> will?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to O.A.R.S., the Oracular Answer and Response System. Enter
} file pathname:
} >oracle_stuff/questions/unanswered/software_question
}
} Analyzing...
} Please enter five adjectives:
} >sexy, disco-influenced, delusional, Dick Cavett-like, mucous
}
} Enter a verb (past tense):
} >ignored
}
} Enter a number:
} >googolplex
}
} Enter a plural noun:
} >rutabagas
}
} Enter a verb (present tense):
} >zot
}
} Enter the plural name of a small, undesirable creature:
} >marmots
}
} Enter the name of a famous control-freak:
} >Joel Furr
}
} Processing...
} Parser Error #404: "mucous" is a noun.
} >No. "Mucus" is noun. "Mucous" is an adjective.
}
} Oh, you're right. Sorry about that...
} Processing complete:
}
} First of all, thank you for your SEXY grovel. I have IGNORED your
} question deeply, and have come to the following DISCO-INFLUENCED
} conclusion. You should definitely release it as "DELUSIONAL-ware".
} Users try out your software for free for a short period of time, say
} GOOGOLPLEX days. If they think it's DICK CAVETT-LIKE, they register it
} by sending you a lot of RUTABAGAS.
}
} Remember to beta-ZOT it thoroughly, to work out all of the MARMOTS.
} While you may not become as rich as Microsoft's JOEL FURR, you should
} at least be able to afford a new MUCOUS drive for your computer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of Mad Libs.


784-09    (7gqng dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello!
>
> We have an Elite 600 printer, and we need a new toner cartridge for
> it. What is the specific type of cartridge that this printer uses?
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, piece of cake.  Here's what you want to do.
}
} Go down to your local Byte Shop, CompUSA, Computer City, or whatever
} you have in your area.  Tell them you want a ribbon for an Epson FX-80.
} I know, I KNOW, but trust me on this one, I'm trying to save you some
} money here.
}
} Get the ribbon back to your printer.  Open up the toner cartridge, and
} the ribbon cartridge.  While wearing your best clothes, swap the
} contents of one with the other.  You see, the inside of your toner
} cartridge originally looked just like the stuff inside the Epson ribbon
} cartridge, but with use the fibers have broken down and it has become
} granular, or in severe cases, powdery.  You need to restore these
} fibers into the toner cartridge, or it will need total replacement, and
} soon.
}
} So, dump out the old, granular contents of the toner cartridge.  Don't
} worry about spillage, just dump it on your desk - it's good for the
} finish.  Now, firmly grasp a section of the ribbon in the Epson
} cartridge, and pull it with great vigor and enthusiasm.  The ribbon
} should easily seperate from the cartridge.
}
} At this point, trim the ribbon pack if it is too large to fit into the
} toner cartridge, using standard desk-grade scissors.  Place the ribbon
} into the toner cartridge, and close the lid.  An adhesive might be
} advisable at this point.
}
} Replace the toner cartridge into your printer at this point, and send
} the printer a document.  You won't BELIEVE the change in performance!
}
} You owe the Oracle a fax/modem/copier/scanner.  That does PostScript
} <tm>.  In color.


784-10    (anvl3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is international ISDN (as specified in ITU-T Recommendation G.961,
> etc.) different from US national ISDN (as specified in Bellcore
> TR-397)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, I'm glad you asked that question!
}
} It just so happens that last night I was reading up on ISDN.  The
} Oracle has always been interested in its origins.  The American Society
} of Donut Nibblers (ASDN) was founded by Irma Shipley in 1934.  She
} founded Shipley's Donuts in Waxahachie, TX, two years later.  She wrote
} the Bellcore TR-390 book which is the founding literature for all donut
} makers and is still regarded to be the most detailed process in which
} to make donuts.  A few years later, William Lender, a prominent
} businessman who built an empire successfully on nasty, stale bagels,
} thought he could capitalize on Ms. Shipley's success.  So he formed the
} International Society of Donut Nibblers (ISDN) and wrote a synopsis of
} his donut experiences, the International Trade Union-Talk magazine
} article entitled Recommendation G.961.  G.961 was his code name for an
} evil plot to take over the world's donut manufacturers and rule the
} donut world.  Unfortunately, the ISDN standards were way to lax for
} American's to put up with, so Emma Shipley, Irma's daughter, sought to
} rewrite the donut nibbling laws and entitled it United States
} Independent Society of Donut Nibblers, which was published by Bellcore,
} publication number TR-397.  Hope this helps your donut experiences more
} gratifying.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Entenmann's chocolate dipped donut and a glass of
} 2% milk.


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