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Internet Oracularities #785

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785, 785-01, 785-02, 785-03, 785-04, 785-05, 785-06, 785-07, 785-08, 785-09, 785-10


Usenet Oracularities #785    (87 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 14:54:46 -0500

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   785
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

785   87 votes epeig 8swi1 9cyma 7fnwa 5qyh5 5jtp9 2opr9 38uwe 17qxk cdjnk
785   3.2 mean  3.0   2.7   3.1   3.3   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.5   3.7   3.3


785-01    (epeig dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom is so profound that even the
> most famous and respected human philosophers seek you out,
> I humbly grovel before you.
>
> Oh wondrous and omniscient Oracle, who transcends all others
> throughout the universe, whose bootlicks I am unworthy to
> lace (wait a minute, that didn't come out quite right),
> you are incomparable to any mortal, and I grovel at your
> feet a second time.
>
> Oh splendid Oracle, whose magnificence radiates through the
> space-time continuum, and is the true source of background
> radiation; whose bootlaces I am unworthy to lick (ah, got
> it right that time), whose very shadow is brighter than
> direct sunlight, I grovel in self-abasement again.
>
> (Since I have three related questions, I have groveled
> three times.  I hope this is acceptable protocol.)
>
> There's an old children's song which goes like this:
>
>   Goosey goosey gander,
>   Whither do you wander?
>   Upstairs and downstairs,
>   And in my lady's chamber.
>   There I met an old man
>   Who wouldn't say his prayers.
>   I took him by the left leg
>   And threw him down the stairs.
>
> I have been thinking about this, and I am not at all sure
> that this rhyme is suitable for the ears of impressionable
> youngsters.  I have three questions:
>
> 1.  Is this rhyme advocating violent bigotry against
>     non-establishment religious groups (as it appears to me),
>     or is there some deeper meaning to it?
>
> 2.  What is the significance of the geese?
>
> 3.  What happened to the old man after he fell downstairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like all nursery rhymes, this one has mutated considerably from
} its original form in the course of time. I will hereby reveal the
} archetypal version of "Goosey goosey gander", which will incidentally
} also answer your questions.
}
} [The screen begins to waver, and violins play eerily in the background
} as we enter flashback mode]
}
} PINKY: Gee Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?
} BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky -- try to take over the
}   world!
} PINKY: How'll we do that, Brain?
} BRAIN: Simple -- I have prepared a rhyme of mindnumbing catchiness,
}   which we will transmit as a subliminal message across the Internet so
}   that it can subvert the minds of the youth of the world. They will
}   believe the rhyme is part of their heritage, and become our willing
}   slaves.
} PINKY: Subliminal messages? Haven't you tried that before?
} BRAIN: No, Pinky -- that was merely a subliminal message I implanted
}   in your mind -- which took some finding, I can tell you -- by way of
}   a trial run.
} PINKY: Poit!
} BRAIN: Not the way I would have expressed it myself, but your point is
}   taken.  Now, cast your eyes over the rhyme.
}
} [He hands across a piece of paper, which Pinky turns over several times
} before deciding which way up to read it. A short eternity passes]
}
} BRAIN: Well? Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
} PINKY: I... think so. Why don't you ever see any baby pigeons?
} BRAIN: No, you ninny! Can't you see the impact this rhyme will have on
}   the impressionable minds of the youth of the world?
} PINKY: Er...
} BRAIN: You *did* manage to read the rhyme?
} PINKY: Oh yeah! It's about gooseys.
} BRAIN: That says "mousey".
} PINKY: Not goosey?
} BRAIN: Do you know the difference between your IQ and OJ Simpson, Pinky?
} PINKY: Oh goody -- a riddle! Er... nope.
} BRAIN: OJ Simpson has something following the digit "O". I think, under
}   the circumstances, it's best if I read out the rhyme while you type it
}   on the laboratory's Mac.
} PINKY: Narf!
} BRAIN: I'll take that as an expression of assent. To the keyboard,
}   Pinky!  I'll operate the shift key.
}
} [After the usual elaborate escape routine from their cage, the
} transgenic mice climb up to the Macintosh on the desk in the far
} corner of the laboratory.  The Brain logs in and enters into email]
}
} BRAIN [dictating]: "Goosey goosey..."
} PINKY [leaping around the keyboard]: Not mousey then?
} BRAIN [smacking his forehead]: I mean "mousey"! I fear stupidity may be
}   contagious.
} PINKY [still leaping around]: How do you spell that, Brain?
} BRAIN: No! Start over -- "Mousey mousey master
}   Wilt thou be my master?
}   Upstate and downstate
}   I'll start a local chapter.
}   When I hear the white mouse
}   How will I show my worth?
}   So I'll o'erthrow the authorities
}   And help him rule the earth." Now have you got that?
} PINKY: Narf!
} BRAIN: Astounding -- I may yet be able to penetrate this obscure
}   personal language of yours. Stand back while I transmit this message
}   to the youth of the world.
}
} [The Brain runs a special Canter & Siegel <tm> netspamming program, and
} stands back in satisfaction as banks of lights begin to flash indicating
} its progress around the globe. Pinky dances around in excitement]
}
} PINKY: Oh goody! Now everyone'll have subliminal gooseys!
} BRAIN: "Mouseys"!
} PINKY: You said --
} BRAIN: Pinky, what exactly did you type in this message we have at this
}   very moment subliminally implanted in the minds of the youth of the
}   world?
} PINKY [getting tearful]: What you told me, Brain...
}
} [The Brain call up the mail log, and prints the latest message to
} screen]
}
} BRAIN [reading]: "Goosey gou^Ho^Husey g^HI mean mans^HDtr
}   I fear stupid^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
}   Whilth^Hr do you my waster^H^H^H^Hndre
}   Upstart and downstrats^H^Hts
}   IN star^H^Hmr lodals^H charmper.
}   Wher I her^Hrt the whilt^Hd manse
}   Hwo wild int^Htt shayw my^Hs narf
}   So'll ou^Htoorwk the althft t^Hl^Hligs
}   And helw him dule^H^Hn the rstst^H^H^H^H^Hrstrs."
} PINKY: Gee Brain, you said --
} BRAIN: Pinky, do you know what you will be when I throw you down the
}   stairs?
} PINKY: Er... nope.
} BRAIN: You will be in intense pain, Pinky.
}
} [The screen goes wavy again. Flashback mode ends]
}
} Okay, so it didn't answer your first question. I'm not about to
} advocate violent bigotry against any religious groups not started by
} second rate SF writers. So sue me.
}
} You owe the Oracle something better to do with his time than waste
} it watching cartoons on daytime TV.


785-02    (8swi1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle!
> Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather
> factory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chile.  But getting there is only half the fun.
}
} First you have to catch a Quebracho.  This can be extremely difficult,
} as they are quite frisky and likely to remove any parts of your body
} that come within reach.  Their bite is worse than their bark, and
} their bark is reeeeealllly nasty.  You'll know it when you see it.
}
} Once you have caught and killed a Quebracho, you must remove the outer
} shell.  Be sure to bring along a diamond saw or mining laser for this
} purpose, as the shell is very very tough.
}
} Next, you need a plank of wood from a quebracho tree.  Nail the
} Quebracho to the plank.  Roast it over a blazing fire until it is
} reduced to ashes.  Finally, collect the ashes -- they are the extracto
} de quebracho that you need.
}
} Some fly-by-night places will try to sell you extracto de quebracho
} that is just made from a quebracho tree.  Don't go for it.  You have
} got to kill a Quebracho if you want to make really good extracto de
} quebracho.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live Nauga.  (You know, they have to kill
} hundreds of them just to make one Naugahyde seat cover.)


785-03    (9cyma dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sensai, I sit at your feet and ask:-
>
> How do I know that you really exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smell my socks.


785-04    (7fnwa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [expletive deleted]!  Why can't you [foul and abusive term deleted]
> Oracles ever answer my [sexually offensive adjective omitted]
> questions?  Don't you [offensive maternal sexual reference deleted]
> know how to understand the [putrid adjective omitted] English language?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's it.  I've had enough of that from you.  The tone of your
} message is clear, despite all the net.censoring.  Don't say I
} didn't warn you! *[act of brutal violence deleted]*  [expletive
} deleted]!  How the [slang use of religious term omitted] are
} they doing this?  Don't those [politicially incorrect indication
} of people with unwed parents removed] know who they're messing
} with?  As soon as I get this cleared up, you've got a massive
} zot coming.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with a woman who will [explicit
} description of act that belittles women deleted] in a bathtub
} filled with [poor choice of flavors deleted] Jello.


785-05    (5qyh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle, most wise etc., etc., to which countries are peacocks
> native? Also, what color are their eyes?  Oh, and how many eggs does a
> average female peafowl lay in her lifetime?  And again, you're really,
> really smart and wonderful and I'm not worthy to even grovel to an
> entity as utterlly neato as you are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not an encyclopedia.  Why don't you pop on down to a
} library and look this all up?
}
} Just for that, the Oracle will give you an answer that might be correct
} in some particulars but is largely twaddle.  Do get hold of a copy of
} Flannery O'Connor's wonderful essay on peafowl: she was one of the
} greatest writers of the 20th century, and she raised peafowl and other
} birds as a hobby.
}
} Peafowl were brought to this planet by space aliens and introduced to
} southeast Asia and the East Indies.  "Regions that will someday be
} known as southeast Asia and the East Indies, meet peafowl," said the
} space aliens as they unloaded pairs of them from their spacecraft.
} "Peafowl, meet the places that humans will think you're native to."
} Peafowl taste like chicken -- really!  They breed *very* quickly, as
} Flannery O'Connor discovered; she mentions talking to a man so quickly
} overrun with them that he took to eating them.  Her mother's farm was
} crowded with them iin a few years, and they're noisy, especially the
} peacocks.
}
} They have golden eyes.  A female can lay 250,000 eggs in her lifetime.
} The peacock dances around a clutch of eggs, spraying them with semen;
} the spermatozoa are equipped with minute micromachine versions of the
} reciprocating power saw and drill their way in through the leathery
} eggshells.  After nine days the chicks hatch; they are covered in
} iridescent peacock-blue scales and resemble tiny dinosaurs for their
} first few weeks out of the shell.
}
} They can understand simple orders in Bantu and Afrikaans, but they
} won't carry them out.  They're smarter than they look.  Peacocks like
} to dance around, tail feathers spread, on windy days, especially before
} storms.
}
} You owe the Oracle one roast peahen with sage stuffing.  No, don't try
} to put the Oracle into the stuffing -- not *that* kind of sage!
} Remember what happened to the two old bachelors in the Edward Lear
} poem.


785-06    (5jtp9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Daaaarling Oracle with the Wardrobe of a Thousand Sequined Dresses,
>
> So you ever get the urge to cross-dress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I really trascend gender, so I don't cross-dress in any way you
} probably mean.  However, since I am omniscient, I sometimes dress the
} 'other way', as in stupid, if you know what I mean.  Here are some
} examples from my wardrobe.
}
} Gump Chic:  A short sleeved blue checked shirt, buttoned all the way to
} the top, along with khaki pants (flat front) that extend to just about
} 1 inch above your plain white sneakers.  This ensemble requires careful
} accesorizing,  a box of chocolates and a baseball cap pulled low are
} appropriate for creating the look of a slow man who through the
} goodness and simplicity of his nature manages to make friends and
} basically dumb his way to riches.  DO NOT accesorize with a pocket
} protector, thick glasses, and/or an advanced computer text, as
} ironically this gives the opposite effect of someone who is very
} bright, but lacks any social skills to make freinds or survive in
} normal society.
}
} Klan Chic: This outfit represents the height of anachronistic 18th
} century thinking.  Ignorance is the key word here, so use that attitude
} when dressing.  A plain white sheet is uncomplicated enough for the
} biggest simpleton.  Add a pointed white hood to hide a toothless smile
} and this outfit simply screams out "I won't marry my cousin until she
} finishes the eighth grade." Accesorize with a Bible, a cross
} and/or some rope and you are ready for any rally where you are
} outnumbered 5 to 1 by protesters.
}
} Mickie Dee Chic:  Polyester is the catchword here, along with eye
} damaging straining colors.  "Would you like fries with that?" is what
} this ensemble is saying.  I personally prefer a brown shirt and brown
} pants with a orange, yellow and white striped trim.  Be sure to add
} grease, kethup and mayonaise stains as is appropriate.  For full
} affect, you should move slowly, try counting change slowly, or maybe
} when someone asks you for something, screw it up.  An attitude of "My
} life is hell" will help greatly in pulling off this look. Accesorize
} with a paper hat and a strap on microphone and you're ready to earn
} minimum wage.
}
} You owe the Oracle leggy Supermodel Cindy Crawford (and I don't mean a
} picture).


785-07    (2opr9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Follow the instructions on the box;
} 2. Toss a coin;
} 3. If you had been reading the Scriptures, you wouldn't have to ask;
} 4. If you had been reading your horoscope, you wouldn't have to ask;
} 5. One leg at a time;
} 6. Send a $19.95 money order or cashier's check and you'll receive your
}    detailed computerized instructions;
} 7. Play the lottery;
} 8. Pray;
} 9. Work harder;
} 10.If you have to ask, you'll never know.


785-08    (38uwe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I get into graduate school at Columbia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  Let me see your application essay:
}
} Question:
}
}       You have the opportunity to ask an omniscient being a single
} question.  He can make you understand anything, from the tiniest piece
} of the atom to the furthest reaches of space.  He can explain concepts
} no mortal man has ever even though to ask about.  He can solve the
} world's problems with war, overpopulation, pollution, hunger, violence,
} and Police Academy movies- if you ask the proper question.  Of course,
} you could ask him some totally insignificant question about your life,
} wasting his time and ruining a golden opportunity for all humanity.
} What do you ask him?
}
} Answer:
}
}       Will I get into graduate school at Columbia?
}
} You chances aren't looking too good...


785-09    (17qxk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Overwhelmed by your divine nature and your uncanny knowledge, I beg you
> to enlighten my being by answering the following question:
>
> Great Oracle, what is the better way to fix the World?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear World Customer,
}
} As part of our ongoing support and maintenance of the World, we are
} providing you with the latest hardware and software upgrade. Please
} follow the enclosed directions to ensure a smooth upgrade from World
} 3.10 to World 3.11.
}
} Note that this release fixes the following bugs:
}
} - Spontaneous human combustion
} - Permanent unavailability of parking spaces in Manhattan
} - Devastating earthquakes in third-world countries
} - People being elected to public office who can't even spell "potato"
} - Inability to go even one day without hearing about O.J.
} - Recurring questions about woodchucks
}
} The next release will be called World 95 (to be released in 2095), and
} will contain the following enhancements:
}
} - Silent notification of planned coup d'etats and uprisings
} - Automatic barcode stamp on newborn infants
} - Body hair that stays the same length after it's cut
} - Ability to be an Oracle for a day


785-10    (cdjnk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why everyone hates me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You am idiot.
}
} You owe oracle you bike.


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