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Internet Oracularities #786

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786, 786-01, 786-02, 786-03, 786-04, 786-05, 786-06, 786-07, 786-08, 786-09, 786-10


Usenet Oracularities #786    (90 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 08:55:36 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   786
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

786   90 votes 6ntr5 7rqic 6fFia 5lzo5 4frue fuoba 49oto dswe3 8cmwg 7hrta
786   3.1 mean  3.0   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.4   2.7   3.7   2.6   3.4   3.2


786-01    (6ntr5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Red or blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} I told you his face would turn red! If you just keep squeezing, it will
} turn blue...then he will return the money he owes you. It's all in
} "Loansharking Made Easy" the fantastic new book from the folks that
} brought you "Own Your Own Labor Union in 90 Days or Less." Cosa Nostra
} Press has all your educational needs.....And More!
}
} - New Lightweight Aluminum "Brass" Knuckles: no more holes in your
} pockets from carrying around these essential tools.
}
} - MobPC Plus: The new software which guarantees a complete low-level
} hard drive format in seconds..."what files?? I just use that to
} read alt.tasteless on the internet."
}
} - Heraldry for the Sophisticated Thug: What family do you belong to?
} They all have really neat coats of arms...trace your lineage!
}
} - Using the Internet: Instant Criminal Connectivity! Never whack the
} wrong Brentwood babe and her waiter friend again! With email and PGP
} you can get it right the FIRST TIME...
}
} You owe the Oracle the use of one of your senators.


786-02    (7rqic dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 _______________
>                 _______________
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The regularly-scheduled Oracle is on vacation.  In its place we bring
} you one of a series of Oracles Around the World.  Tonight's Guest
} Oracle is I-Ching of Ancient China.]
}
} The I-Ching has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} >#20  Kuan  (Contemplation)
} >
} >Contemplation.  The ablution has been made.
} >But not yet the offering.
} >Full of trust they look up to him.
}
} And in response, thus spake the I-Ching:
}
} )Glad to see you washed up this time.  What the hell were you doing to
} )get so sticky last time?  You weren't eating the yarrows were you?  I
} )mean, really, show some respect.
} )
} )And besides, just because the Oracle is on vacation doesn't mean you
} )can get away without offering a grovel or some such sign of
} )insignificant unworthiness in the face of sublime knowledge.  Like get
} )with the program, ok?
} )
} )Still and all you did come to the right place and the I-Ching doesn't
} )want to shatter your trust in supreme wisdom.  Therefore, assume the
} )lotus position, close your eyes, and hum today's bonus mantra "I wish
} )I could shiatsu like my sister Kate" while contemplating the following
} )koan:
} )
} ) "If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, would
} ) Windows95 ever work correctly?"
} )
} )After a few days, open your eyes, walk three paces east, and lift your
} )eyes to the heavens.  The answer should appear on the fourth cloud
} )from the left.
}
} [Thank you I-Ching.  Tune in next week when Shirley MacLaine resurrects
} the spirit of Aimee Semple Macpherson who will do astrology charts over
} our 800 number and autograph copies of her next book "Voodoo and You,
} Creative Body Piercing for Fun and Profit."]


786-03    (6fFia dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, Master of all things, even the 7-10 split, please
> answer this small question:
>
>   Why is it that a bowling ball is held with the third and fourth
> fingers and the thumb?  Wouldn't it be easier to do it another way?
> Just Wondering....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As any true bowler will tell you, the key to consistently bowling
} strikes is to put a good spin on the ball, such that it hits the 1-2 or
} 1-3 pockets flush.  Using the middle and ring fingers, and thumb, while
} utilizing the wrist's rotating motion, has proven to be a fairly
} effective way of doing this.  However, let's see if we can't find a
} better way:
}
} Method:  Middle/Ring/Thumb with wrist rotation
}
}   Advantages:  The standard.  Allows for nice spin and easy
}     followthrough into the necessary body english.
}
}   Disadvantages:  Wrist braces.  Wrist damage over time.  Bad
}   fingernails.
}
} Method:  Index/Pinky/Thumb with wrist rotation
}
}   Advantages:  More torque put into spin.
}
}   Disadvantages:  Same as above.  Plus, make devil sign with each bowl;
}     users tend to bowl either very badly or get series of 666.
}
} Method:  Hold-ball-in-"Allstate
} Insurance"-grip-and-lightly-roll-it-down
}
}   Advantages:  Easy for smaller and weaker bowlers.  Doesn't require
}     fancy run-up technique.  Keep fingernails from chipping or
}     breaking.
}
}   Disadvantages:  Lousy spin and speed makes for lousy bowling scores.
}     Also makes you look pretty dorky unless you're very old or very
}     young.
}
} Method:  Load ball into cannon.  Fire!
}
}   Advantages:  A strike every time.
}
}   Disadvantages:  Usually have to get a new ball and pins for each
}   frame.
}
} Method:  Bribing the scorer.
}
}   Advantages:  None of that pesky bowling to get in the way of a great
}   score!
}
}   Disadvantages:  Computer scorers aren't easily bribed.  Human bowlers
}     tend to favor beer, so you may have to shell out a lot.
}
} So, as you can see, each method may or may not work for you, depending
} on your preferences.  If you're rich, I'd go for the last option, though
} I fail to recall a time when anyone rich ventured into a bowling alley.
}
} You owe the Oracle some curling instructions.


786-04    (5lzo5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nifty Oracle, reader of books I could not get past the first line of,
> please tell me:
>
> Who invented writing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you care, you don't get past the first line of books.
}
} Alright I realise you have a pressing desire to know this flimsy piece
} of datum. The invention of writing is commonly attributed by scholars
} to the summarians. And for once the scholars got it right. The
} Summarians, whom I sure you are aware, predate even the mesopotamians,
} were indeed the inventors of the first system of writing.
}
} To be more specific it was Pishantish son of Filitofish who was the
} first to actually put stick to clay tablet. He was a very successful
} bookie.  So successful in fact that even his prodigious memory was
} sometimes unable to keep track of all of the bets placed with him.
}
} The idea of writing struck him when he struck someone else. Some poor
} slob couldn't pay off the five bags of barley that he had bet on that
} night's mud wrestling. Pishantish knocked the guy across the pit where
} he fell face first into the mud. As it happened, the next day our
} bright bookie was about to start wetting down the now dried mud pit,
} when he noticed the well preserved impression of slob's face. It was at
} that moment when he realised that he could theoretically press five
} barley stalks into the mud besides the face in order to remember what
} slob still owed him.
}
} The rest, as they say is history. Pishantish spent the next six years
} simplifying and perfecting his technique. He never forgot a bet again.
} Coincidentally he became the inventor of organised crime as well.  But
} that's another story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tankard of honey and barley mead.


786-05    (4frue dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-h wise one.
> R-eady to answer any and all questions.
> A-ll knowing being of Oraclular stature.
> C-reative power extraordinaire.
> L-ives on the astral plane.
> E-ven does "Windows". (But only when forced to.)
>
> If pigs had wings,  would there still be convertable cars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  An interesting and timely question, as the flying pig option recently
} manifested itself in an adjacent space-time line (I ran across it while
} universe-surfing on my newly installed Relative Quantum State Cable
} system). In addition to extremely depressed ragtop sales, consequences
} of the sudden introduction of airborne porcines included:
}
}   > News anchors unable to get through "...another flying pig related
}     airline tragedy..." with a straight face.
}
}   > Outdoor grunge concerts curtailed due to enormous flocks landing in
}     mosh pit areas.
}
}   > Winged pigs supplant pigeons on the Champs d'Elisee. Disgusted
}     Parisians flee, leaving the capital of France infested with
}     flight-capable hams-on-the-hoof but virtually devoid of Frenchmen.
}     Widely considered a net improvement.
}
}   > Arnold Ziffel surpasses Bob "Slack" Dobbs as individual with
}     largest netcult.
}
}   > Voluntary commitments to detoxification facilities skyrocket.
}
}   > Thousands of tourists journey to DesMoines, Iowa, each year, as the
}     plummeting porkers roost at City Hall ala swallows at Mission San
}     Juan Capistrano.
}
}   > Goose and duck populations explode as hunters turn to easier
}     targets. Thousands of loyal, tenacious, overly inbred retriever
}     variety dogs drown trying to fulfill their traditional mission with
}     notraditional game.
}
}   > Surveys show that more than 80% of consumers responding indicate
}     that flying pig "tastes just like chicken."
}
}   > Hassidic Rabbinical Council members begin taking stunt-skydiving
}     lessons, "just in case" the same phenomenon besets bovines or other
}     "clean" animals, necessitating radical changes in methodology to
}     carry out traditional methods of slaughter.
}
}   ...you owe the Oracle a martini with a cocktail sausage.
}      Baked, not fried. J/tmf\S


786-06    (fuoba dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> LISA (OH GOD)
> a remix of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" by I. M. Supplicant
>
> You make me compliment you
> though I already meant to...
> You're worth more than my rent, too.
> Kinzler -- did he invent you?
>
> tellme -- why are the m+ms blue?
> tellme -- I've got a <null> to ask.
> tellme -- where did you go on your spring break,
> tellme how I can multitask
>
> You're going to ZOT! me like that animal
> You'll have me looking like a moron
> You're going to ZOT! me like that animal
> But here's what I want to know --
> so who is Lisa, T. O.?
>
> You can have my Sting collection
> You can have my sweatpants that smell
> You can have my three point five disks
> You can have my private hell
>
> tellme -- I need a good thesis
> tellme -- how can I have good luck?
> tellme -- I want the truth now:
> tellme how much wood can it chuck...
>
> You're going to ZOT! me like that animal
> You're going to flame me for the last time
> You're going to ZOT! me like that animal
> But just one thing as I go -
> Say, who is Lisa, T. O.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though the Oracle is unfamilar with that charming little ditty of yours
} (We don't get Z100 up here on Mount Olympus, you know) he does
} appreciate musical talent, so he's willing to give your normally
} *ZOT*-worthy questions a thought.
}
} ...Hmm...
}
} ..M+M's?
} ..My vacation??
} ..Woodchucks???
} ..Lisa????
}
} Getting a little personal there, supplicant.  I'm afraid I'm going to
} have to answer your request.
}
}     *ZOT*
}
} You owe the Oracle a better song.


786-07    (49oto dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, without whom the crops would not grow, pray answer me
> this question:
>
> Why was "sliced bread" such a great invention?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Despite the old saw: "the greatest invention since sliced bread",
} sliced bread has done unspeakable damage to mankind. Although it is
} unspeakable, I can write about it.
}
} Sliced bread led inevitably to the sandwich.
} The sandwich has led to the portable meal.
} The portable meal led to the meal away from home.
} Meals away from home have led to the breakdown of the family.
} The breakdown of the family has led to crime in the street.
} Crime in the street led to large numbers of police.
} Large numbers of police led to police abuse.
} Police abuse led to distrust of the police.
} Distrust of the police led to the acquittal of OJ Simpson.
} The acquittal of OJ Simpson will lead to "white rioting".
} Whites riot by voting Republican and cutting social programs.
} Cutting social programs will lead to a greater gap between classes.
} A large gap between classes leads to class warfare.
} Class Warfare leads to the resurgence of communist ideology.
}
} Therefore, we should outlaw sliced bread because it leads to communism.
}
} You owe the Oracle a critique of right-wing logic.


786-08    (dswe3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle!
> Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather
> factory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget it.  "E de Q" is no longer the tanner's chemical of choice.
} Stick with the prefered solution, "extracto de boracho".  It is well
} documented historically that concentrated urine from a drunk hombre is
} best for curing leather.  The next best is "extracto de burro".  If
} you're lucky, you can catch a boracho on his burro after a night on the
} town and you'll be set for some time!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of huaraches that don't stink.


786-09    (8cmwg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of "position" do I have to be in (sexually) if I want my
> child to be a girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A compromising one (and don't forget to breathe deeply from the
} diaphragm)


786-10    (7hrta dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello my great and wonderful advisor....Will I have a boyfriend here at
> school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a VVFAQ (Very Very Frequently Asked Question).
} Below is the part of this VVFAQ related to this question:
}
} ----8<-------------
}
} Questions:
}
} 1. Why?
} 2. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}    wood?
} 3. Will I have a boyfriend (girlfriend)?
} 4.
} 5. How can I have a date with Lisa?
}
} Answers:
}
} 1. Because.
} 2. Zot.
} 3. No way.
} 4. Third door on your right.
} 5. You can't.
}
} ----8<-------------
}
} You can download the complete VVFAQ (4.2MB), VFAQ (253.6MB),
} and FAQ (567832.4MB) from cs.indiana.edu.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fast modem.


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