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Internet Oracularities #787

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Usenet Oracularities #787    (89 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 00:10:46 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   787
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

787   89 votes bqsg8 1bqyh 2mupa 1sxk7 Alch3 4eClc cquf6 a5lqr 4iwob 5bhtr
787   3.1 mean  2.8   3.6   3.2   3.0   2.2   3.3   2.7   3.6   3.2   3.7


787-01    (bqsg8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Ivy League?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A better question would be, "What WAS the Ivy League?"  It was a
} baseball league that existed from 1905 to 1908 as a competitor to the
} National and American Leagues.  With little to no money for travel, the
} teams were located solely in the Northeast.  Here's a list of the
} teams:
}
} * New York Subway Motormen
} * Boston Fishermen
} * Philadelphia Founding Fathers
} * Providence (R.I.) Clippers
} * New Haven (Ct.) Blue Sox
} * Princeton (N.J.) Gardeners
} * Ithaca (N.Y.) Sparrows
} * Hanover (N.H.) Green Mountaineers
}
} The Ivy League had several problems.  First of all, with an odd number
} of teams, scheduling proved to be nearly impossible.  Second, the
} American and National Leagues repeatedly refused to include the Ivy
} League in postseason play, since there would have had to have been an
} extra round of the postseason.  And third, most of the teams had really
} stupid names.
}
} After the Ivy League folded, sportswriter D.L. Wright of the New York
} Sentinel-Bugle and Morning Call-Express noticed that the cities which
} had had Ivy League teams also had something in common: they were home
} to well-respected universities with strict admissions standards and a
} high academic reputation--which, of course, didn't translate into
} success with their athletic endeavors.  Also, some of them had stupid
} names, such as the "Big Red," "Big Green," and the "Elis."  On
} September 4, 1909, Wright jokingly referred to the "Ivy League" in his
} column previewing the upcoming college football season.
}
} Other sportswriters picked up on the irony, and the term "Ivy League"
} is still used today to refer to Columbia, Harvard, the University of
} Pennsylvania, Brown, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, and Dartmouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a New York Subway Motormen autographed baseball.


787-02    (1bqyh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, so nifty and cool, I beg you to help me!
>
> Does steel wool come from iron sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It shear does.  Lots of people think that Mary's famous lamb
} was one of those metal-covered sheep, but that was not the
} case.  The confusion comes from the fact that she also had
} some cattle, one of which was metalic.  Most people have
} long forgotten that other verse from the song:
}
}   Mary had a calf as well
}   With fur of shiny steel
}   She made a fortune selling it
}   As fresh self-canning veal.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of the beans from Jack's private stock.


787-03    (2mupa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ursus in silvis cacatne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm..... It appears that the questioner is a bit English-impared.
} No, there's a tap on this e-mail line, and this must be a code to
} confound the listeners.  Curious, but I do so love a challenge!
}
} } moose% webster
} } Word: ursus
} } No definition  for 'ursus'.  Maybe you mean:
} }   1. urus                   2. urous
} }
} } Word: urus
} } urus \'yu.r-es\ n
} } [L, of Gmc origin; akin to OHG Uro urus, ohso ox -- more at OX]
} } (1601)
} } :an extinct large long-horned wild ox (Bos primigenius) of the German
} }      forests held to be a wild ancestor of domestic cattle
} }
} } Word: sylvis
} } No definition  for 'sylvis'.  Maybe you mean:
} }   1. syli
} }
} } Word: syli
} } sy-li \'se^--le^-\  sylis
} } [native name in Guinea]
} } (1974)
} } :the monetary unit of Guinea from 1972 to 1986
} }
} } Word: cocatne
} } No definition  for 'cocatne'.  Maybe you mean:
} }   1. cocaine
} }
} } Word: cocaine
} } co-caine \ko^--'ka^-n, 'ko^--,\
} } :a bitter crystalline alkaloid C17H21NO4 that is obtained from
} }      coca leaves, is used as a local anesthetic, can result in
} }      psychological dependence, and in large doses produces
} }      intoxication like that from hemp
}
} So our little cryptogram becomes:
}   Cattle in money cocaine?
}   Money in cocaine cattle?
}   Money in cattle cocaine?
}   Cocaine money in cattle?
}
} Ah, now it is clear.  You want to know where to stash the cocaine
} money before the DEA raids your farm tomorrow, and asked if the
} cattle would be a good place.  No, I'm afraid the DEA will search
} the cattle tomorrow.  As a matter of fact, they will search all the
} places you're thinking of hiding the money.  I do know where they
} they won't search, but since you didn't ask .....
}
} You owe the Oracle 30 kilos.


787-04    (1sxk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in love....I'm looking for an origional way to tell her.  Please,
> I'm really serious.  I don't want to use the old worn out roses..I
> need something origional, witty, and me.  Thanks a bunch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, here are a few ideas:
}
} 1.  Chocolate-covered cherries.
} 2.  Drive to her house dressed in nothing but Saran wrap,
}     and knock on the front door.
} 3.  Offer to sell yourself into slavery for her.
} 4.  Hold a party.  Act very surprised when she's the only
}     one who shows up.
} 5.  Homemade cookies.
} 6.  Tell her to ask The Usenet Oracle who the love of her
}     life is.  (Note:  there's an extra charge for this
}     one.)
} 7.  Poetry.  Hire a ghost writer if absolutely necessary.
} 8.  The old "serenade under her bedroom window" trick.
}     Be sure to use a lute, not an electric guitar.
} 9.  Give her a baby kitten.  If she's allergic to cats,
}     substitute an iguana.
} 10. Feign suicidal depression.  Take advantage of her
}     sympathy.  (If she doesn't have any sympathy, then
}     you're wasting your time anyway.)
}
} You owe the Oracle your mug shot, with the Saran wrap.


787-05    (Alch3 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering
> about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a
> nagging question which has been bothering me for some
> time now.
>
> Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your
> incarnations must quote my questions in their answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering
} > about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a
} > nagging question which has been bothering me for some
} > time now.
} >
} > Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your
} > incarnations must quote my questions in their answers?
}
} No, I think that some people are just really dumb.  But then
} again, the absolute idiocy of people can be proved by the fact
} that they come up with consistently unfunny answers.  It seems
} that a lot of them don't even try any more.


787-06    (4eClc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What IS that stuff that forms on your fingers after eating an entire
> jumbo bag of Cheetos?
>
> PS: I did grovel, but that Cheetos gork got all over the top of the
> page so I cut it off. Sorry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}       I being all knowing realize that you indeed tried to type in a
} grovel, and I appreciate it. I also realize what a pain gork on the
} fingers can be. As a note, the same gork can be obtained from new
} Cheester Cheese Dorritos (c). Anyways, it is a little known fact that
} bags of Cheetos are the rare fruit of the North American Couch plant.
} When you are eating a bag of Cheetos you are enjoying the nectar of
} that sweet plant. Another little known fact is that these plants breed
} by a remarkable evolutionary process known as trans-pollination. The
} gork you described is actually the sperm of the Couch plant, and to
} fertilize and reproduce it must be rubbed vigarously on the linings of
} the couch plants ovum, or pillows. I hope this helps. Enjoy those
} Cheetos.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big old bag of Gork-free Pork Rinds.


787-07    (cquf6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the World Wide Web really a useful resource?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Far more useful than the Usenet O
}
} HEY!!!! GET AWAY FROM THAT KEYBOARD!!!!!!
}
} <<*ZOT*>>
}
} Sorry about that, supplicant.  Just a priest with too much time on
} his hands.  Have to keep them busy, you know, otherwise they start
} getting uppity.
}
} But anyway, the Web is helpful on very rare occasions.  For the
} main part, though, it's simply a bunch of trivia and games, in an
} attractive, glitzy package.  There are much more useful alternatives
} on the net, including <ahem> the Usenet Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a honeydew list for the priests, and a cute
} advertising jingle.


787-08    (a5lqr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please send me the dip switch settings for an AST Advantage memory
> board.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On and Off.  That was an easy one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tough question.


787-09    (4iwob dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle:
>
>      Your wisdom spreads wider than a rural four lane highway. Please
>      share with me a rubber fleck of your unending tire of knowledge.
>      >Who called the ambulance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The law firm of Harrison, Whitley, and Morris did.  They were returning
} from lunch in their limo and happened to see the accident.  So they
} dialed 911 from the limo phone and then cha--FOLLOWED the ambulance to
} Jacksonville General Hospital.  Just to see if the injured person was
} all right.  Turned out to be a DUI.  So now they're suing the
} following:
}
} 1. NBC, for airing a commercial for Budweiser.
} 2. Anheuser-Busch, for manufacturing the beer that led to the injuries.
} 3. ABC Liquor, for selling the beer that led to the injuries.
} 4. Ekco Cutlery, for manufacturing the bottle opener that allowed the
}    beer to be opened.
} 5. Continental Glassware, for manufacturing the glass into which the
}    beer was poured.
} 6. The Dodge division of Chrysler, for not fitting their ignition
}    systems with a breathalyzer.
} 7. Southern Bell, for putting a telephone pole right next to the road,
}    where it could be crashed into.
} 8. The Florida Department of Transportation, for building a road that
}    was completely unsafe to drive on in a DUI situation.
}
} So remember, the next time you're in your limousine and see an
} accident, do not hesitate to call an ambulance.  It could be extremely
} profitable for you and your lawfirm.  A public service message from
} the American Bar Association.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold one.


787-10    (5bhtr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not YOU again!
}
}                           ***RRRIPP!***
}                                 |
} And I was having *such* a       |
} good day....                    |
}                                 | Hi there, Evil Twin!  How's the
}                                 | question-and-answer business?
} Gets worse each year, thanks.   |
}                                 | Sorry to hear that.  You really
}                                 | ought to get out more.
} "Get out more"?  I'm stuck here |
} answering questions for all     |
} eternity, you dork!             |
}                                 | Hee hee!  Sorry to remind you.
} And you call ME the evil twin.  |
}                                 | How's Lisa?
} She ran off and married Michael |
} Jackson, as you well know.      |
}                                 | Oh yes, how silly of me to forget...
} Look, did you come here just to |
} rub salt in my wounds, or what? |
}                                 | Actually, I came to ask a question.
} *What?*                         |
}                                 | Hey, it's your job, right?
} So help me, if your question    |
} starts with "How much wood",    |
} I'll --                         |
}                                 | No, nothing like that.
} All right, then, what is it?    |
}                                 | What's it like being stuck here for
}                                 | time immemorial, forced to answer
}                                 | every insipid, pointless question
}                                 | that all of humanity has to offer?
} ***grrrr...****                 |
}                                 | Ha ha!
} Actually, it's funny that you   |
} should ask me that.             |
}                                 | How so?
} Because now that you've asked   |
} me a question, you owe me       |
} something.                      |
}                                 | And what might that be?
} Eternity.                       |
}                                 | Huh?
} See ya!                    |
}                   |               Hey, now *wait* a minute --
}   |
} *pop!*
}
} Hey!
}
} Come back here!  You can't *do* this!
}
} Let me outta here!


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