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Internet Oracularities #789

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789, 789-01, 789-02, 789-03, 789-04, 789-05, 789-06, 789-07, 789-08, 789-09, 789-10


Usenet Oracularities #789    (94 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 1995 10:05:13 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   789
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

789   94 votes 4exrg 5hstf cpqla 7pAm4 9ikql 2eDv8 4dAy7 bompc 4fqvi htuf3
789   3.2 mean  3.4   3.3   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.0   3.5   2.6


789-01    (4exrg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I       also    had     this    problem,        dear    supplicant,
} but     turned  it      into    a       challenge.      As      a
} consequence,    I       now     have    an      easily  recognised
} style   of      writing I       can     call    my      own.    And
} it      didn't  cost    me      a       thing.
}
} You     owe     the     Oracle  a       suggestion      for     when
} my      tab     key     gets    broken.


789-02    (5hstf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been collecting super-travel vouchers from  Neslogg Cornabix
> breakfast cereal. I now have enough (3000) to get me a free overnight
> stay in a 2-star hotel in London. If I trade my next business-class
> airline ticket for an economy fare and stay over on Saturday night,
> I will be able to get an economy return ticket to London, so I get
> there for free. Now, with the extra air miles I clock up on the flight
> to London I can upgrade my hotel to a 4 star and get half price car
> rental for a weekend. Of-course, if I choose my hotel and car rental
> company correctly I can get more super-travel vouchers, which which
> I can use to swap the night in London for a weekend in Barcalona.
> Car rental in Barcalona is cheaper then in the U.K, so I can upgrade
> the small car I had planned to get for a luxury model.
>   Luxury car rental companies offer off-peak hotel accommodation at
> significantly reduces rates (Barcelonna has a surplus of hotel rooms
> since the Olympics), so I can stay in a similarly specified hotel
> for less, and I can still afford go to a mid-week performance in the
> Catalonian National Opera. This has the added advantage of completing
> the Euro-Opera-Buff treasure trail which entitles me to free admission
> to the Moscow State Ballet performance of Swan Lake in October. Since
> I've already seen this I can trade the ticket on the Opera-Ex market
> in Milan and get a lifelong subscription to Air-Miles International
> (the "Exchange and Mart" of the business travellers bonus schemes)
> and a two week slot in a time-share in Majorca. Both of these come
> with bonus super-travel vouchers which will cover my air-fare if
> I travel out on a Wednesday Night flight from Prestwick airport
> (and I get double airmiles on this flight). My question is, if this
> is all so easy, why isn't everyone doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Acutally, like all 'too good to be true' schemes, this has one small
} problem.  As a result of eating 3000 boxes of cereal in a 5-day period,
} you're going to be spending the next three weeks in the hospital,
} recovering from reconstructive colon surgery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pop-Tart.


789-03    (cpqla dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stop sending me love letters!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your
} skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection?
}
} -- Lisa


789-04    (7pAm4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I going to flunk math? :-/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting and complex question. In order to determine the answer,
} please answer the following simple questions:
}
} 1. Greens are better farklers (farkleberry collectors, of course) than
}    most Purples. However, in a farkling competition in which the
}    income of the Greens is equal to the income of the Purples, the
}    matches are standoffs. Farkling ability has been demonstrated by
}    independent researchers to have a possible connection with diet.
}    The Greens have more money than the Purples and can afford better
}    farkling instruction. The most promising approach to equalisation
}    of farkling ability would probably be to:
}      (a) Provide farkling ability dietary ingredients to the Purples.
}      (b) Equalise the wealth by giving enough Green money to Purples.
}      (c) Make sure the Purples have sufficient nourishment for good
}          health.
}      (d) Obtain better farkling teachers and equipment for the
}          Purples.
}
} 2. All people who eat custard greatly love puzzles. Some people who
}    eat custard are famous. Some famous people are Anteater spies.
}    Therefore:
}      (a) All people who eat custard become famous.
}      (b) All Anteater spies are puzzling.
}      (c) Some famous people greatly love puzzles.
}      (d) Some custard eaters are also Anteater spies. (Death to the
}          Anteaters! Long live the great Hippo empire!)
}
} 3. If seven belly dancers can lose a total of 20 kilograms in eight
}    hours of dancing, how many more belly dancers would be needed to
}    lose a total of 20 kilograms in only four hours provided the new
}    dancers shed weight only half as fast as the original seven?
}
} 4. Have you ever stopped to consider how much the basic design concept
}    of the Bourbon biscuit owes to that of the Custard Cream? (Discuss)
}
} Result: If you're spending your time doing silly questionnaires
} instead of revising, then yes, you're probably going to flunk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of farkleberries and custard.


789-05    (9ikql dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> whether i should take this job

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is Usenet.  During the day, millions of people work here.  At
} night, millions more play here.  Sometimes they ask questions.  That's
} where I come in.  I work here.  I carry a badge.
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
}                            _____/\_____
}                           \    UNPD   /
}                            (   _/\_   )
}                           (    \  /    )
}                           (    /  \    )
}                            \  44-755  /
}                             ----  ----
}                                 \/
}
} 10:15 pm.  We work working the night shift out of the Meaning of Life
} Squad when the call came in.  My Captain's T.U. Oracle.  My partner's
} Bill Gannon.  My name's Friday.
}
} Oracle:  Joe, Bill
}
} Friday:  Captain
}
} Gannon:  Captain
}
} Oracle:  We've got another 762
}
} Friday:  762 -- "whether i should take this job"
}
} Oracle:  That's it.  Here's the report.  Check it out, see if we can
} help.
}
} [Friday looks at Gannon.  Gannon looks at Friday.  Both nod, then head
} out the door.]
}
} 11:30pm.  Approaching the supplicant's house, we heard a voice through
} the front door.  Although faint, it sounded like "to run, or not to
} run." When we knocked on the door, the supplicant, a Mr. C. Powell,
} answered. Although he seemed rather flustered, he let us in, leading us
} to his office.  Judging from the condition of the carpet, he had been
} pacing for some hours.
}
} Powell:  I'm rather surprised to see you here.  I understood that the
} Oracle answered all questions by email.
}
} Friday:  He does, Mr. Powell, but
}
} Powell (interrupting):  General
}
} [Friday notes the four stars on each shoulder of the supplicant's
} sports shirt.]
}
} Friday: Sorry, General Powell.  As I was saying, the Oracle answers all
} questions electronically, but sometimes he requires a little
} background. [Gannon is looking at a set of pictures on the wall.  All
} show the General, usually with some important person.] Now, let's make
} sure of the information we have.  You've recently successfully
} completed a very important job, you've been offered a new job, and you
} want to know if you should take it.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.  Actually I've been offered the same job
} twice.
}
} Friday:  Sir?
}
} Powell:  Yes.  [Hands Friday two letters.  Gannon reads over Friday's
} shoulder.]  As you can see, a "Mr. C" and a "Mr. D" would both like me
} to work for them.
}
} Gannon:  It says here that neither Mr. C nor Mr. D can offer you this
} job until next summer?  And the position won't open until January 20,
} 1997?  And, if you take the wrong offer, you might not have a job at
} all.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.
}
} Gannon:  It also says that this job would involve very little work.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  Mostly going to funerals and cutting ribbons, plus
} making a few speeches.
}
} Friday:  So I take it that you not only want to know if you should take
} this job, but you also want to know which offer to take?
}
} Powell:  Not exactly.
}
} Friday:  [Glancing at Gannon]  Sir?
}
} Powell:  There's also this letter from "Mr. P".  [Hands letter to
} Friday.  Again, Gannon looks over Friday's shoulder.]
}
} Gannon:  He's offering you Mr. C's current job.  If you can "win" it.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  But there's a catch.
}
} Friday:  It says here that you would have to appear on television for
} on hour every week, explaining a large number of meaningless diagrams.
}
} Powell (sighs): That's right.  But otherwise, the job has more
} responsibilities, better pay, and more control than Mr. C's or Mr. D's
} position.  Unless, of course, Mr. P decides to take the job himself.
}
} Friday:  Well, Sir, I think we have enough information.  We will file
} our report, and the Oracle should be in touch with you shortly.
}
} Powell:  Do you think he can help me?
}
} Friday:  Certainly, Sir.  Governor Cuomo found him very helpful.
}
} [Powell, Friday, and Gannon all look at one another.  Friday nods,
} almost imperceptibly.  He and Gannon turn and leave the office.]
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
} On 20 October, the Oracle, All Powerful Sage and Soothsayer in and for
} the Usenet Culture, pondered General Powell's question.  His answer:
}
} } Dear General,
} }
} } Don't take any of the offers.  Working with any of these clowns
} } can only hurt your reputation.  Sit back, relax, and wait for
} } them to be caught with their pants down.  (In "C's" case, probably
} } literally.)  You will then get an offer for C's job from
} } a large group of people.  In the meantime, purchase a large,
} } white stallion and learn to ride.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an Ambassadorship to a small Caribbean country.


789-06    (2eDv8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
> I'm about to graduate, and a degree in Philosophy never got anbody
> anywhere, so I'm seriously considering a career in crime. I would
> appreciate it if you could rate for me the top ten criminal activities
> in terms of their profit/risk ratio so that I can make an informed
> choice that will enable me to thumb my nose at society in comfort
> and with impunity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It pleases me to see a mortal displaying some modicum of intelligence;
} for that reason I shall turn a blind eye to the lack of grovelling, for
} the time being. Here are the ten most popular criminal careers, with a
} brief cost/benefit analysis.
}
} No. Activity             Pros                    Cons
} --- --------             ----                    ----
} 1   Government minister  The courts can convict  Only people who
}                          you as often as they    are extraordinarily
}                          like; it makes no       physically ugly
}                          difference              get the job
}
} 2   Rubber-casketer      No rubber-casketer has  Lack of notoriety
}                          yet been arrested       as no-one has figured
}                                                  out what they do
}
} 3   Credit card fraud    *Really* easy,          Forgetting which
}                          is especially with the  your actual card
}                          card likes of Netscape
}
} 4   Tax evasion          No-one seems to care    You have to be liable
}                          very much about         for tax to start with
}                          catching you            (and that means *work*)
}
} 5   Computer crime       Fun; can be done from   Obesity; caffeine
}                          home in your spare      addiction; disdain
}                          time                    from opposite sex
}
} 6   Stealing cars        Fun; High profile;      Getting round a hi-tech
}                          buccaneer image         security system only to
}                                                  find it won't start
}                                                  because of damp leads
}
} 7   Social security      Lots of publicity       Limited earning
}     fraud                                        potential
}
} 8   Confidence tricks    Intellectually          Getting to like
}                          challenging             your victims
}
} 9   Drug dealing         Lack of victim makes    Competition;
}                          detection virtually     demonization; too much
}                          impossible              like legal business!
}
} 10  Corporate crime      Compensates for         No access to spoils;
}                          incompetence            inability to trust
}                                                  anyone
}
} You owe me an alibi for writing this answer.


789-07    (4dAy7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} You MUST use a larger font next time.  Your eight page monument to my
} greatness pleased me greatly, but then I have a 576" monitor in my
} study. For any other supplicant reading this on a 14" or 15" monitor,
} I'm sure your entire message was as small as a period.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 576" glare shield, or some really good sunblock.


789-08    (bompc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the MS-Word screen painfully white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Hell. And here's your copy of MS-DOS 4.0.
}
} You owe the Oracle an air conditioner.


789-09    (4fqvi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Oracle so witty, wacky, and wise:
>
> Does light have mass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The early Church took a very dim view of light, in part because
} of its pagan association with the planet Venus (commonly called
} Lucifer, "light-bearer").  Theologians of the second and third
} centuries held that because the sun and moon were created
} only *after* the God's original command "Fiat Lux", their light
} was somehow impure and therefore suspect.  For this reason,
} light was often excluded from the sacraments.
}
} According to the papal bull "De Lux Ecumenica" of 634, light was
} not allowed to receive communion, since it consistently refused
} to sit still long enough to complete confession.  Indeed,
} churches for hundreds of years afterward were very poorly
} illuminated; this period is often referred to as the Dark Ages.
}
} It was not until the Renaissance, around 1348, that the Church
} reversed itself and began admitting light within its congregations.
} The gothic cathedrals built during and after these years were
} designed to admit as much light as possible.  This inclusive
} attitude toward light persisted essentially unchanged down
} to the beginning of the present century.
}
} In the early 1900's, certain conservative bishops became quite
} concerned about the wave/particle duality of light.  This dual
} nature seemed to them a form of Manichean Heresy, and a movement
} began to threaten light with excommunication unless it stuck to
} one form or the other.  Luckily, this inquisition came to an
} end when it was shown that, while light could behave as both
} a wave and a particle, it could only take on one of these
} roles at a time in experiments.
}
} So, to answer your question, light *does* have mass, along with
} all the various sacraments, but only since the 14th century.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those cool t-shirts showing Maxwell's
} equations.


789-10    (htuf3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ho, ho, ho!  Orrie, I see you're still being a good little
> boy.  So, what would you like for Christmas this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE:  Oh, brother, not you again.
}
} SANTA:  That's right, Orrie me boy!  Merry Christmas!
}
} ORACLE:  Don't you think it's a little early to be worrying about what
}          I want this year?
}
} SANTA:  Ho, ho, ho!  Christmas is what I worry about all the time!
}
} ORACLE:  Every year it's the same old question...what do I want for
}          Christmas.  Don't you have any better questions than that?
}          Come on, I'm omniscient!
}
} SANTA:  Oh, rub it in, why don't you?  Sure, you get the job of
}         answering everyone's questions, being all-knowing and
}         all-powerful.  And all I get to do is give stuff to ungrateful
}         little brats.  Sure, I get cookies and milk, but the cookies
}         are pretty stale by the time I get to them, and the cat drinks
}         out of the milk.  And check out this gut!  Do you think I
}         *like* being this fat?
}
} ORACLE:  Oh, quit your whining!  That's ZOTting behaviour if I ever saw
}          it. And speaking of ZOTting, I don't think you grovelled
}          properly, either.  No, you didn't.
}
} [The Oracle reaches for the ZOT button]
}
} SANTA:  Orrie, please don't do this!  Come on, you can't do this to
}         another immortal!  Please, please, please don't--
}
} [Santa disappears in a puff of paradox (something about how the ZOT
} erases you from existence before you ever existed...don't ask)]
}
} ORACLE:  Sniveling little weenie.  He was like that in high school,
} too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of chocolates and a copy of "The Santa
} Clause".


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