} Another call to Hell. <sigh>
} [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@. ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...]
} Hell Operator: Look, you slime turd, this is Hell. Whaddya want, oat-
} meal face?
} Oracle: Academic Enrollment Information, please.
} HO: You want to enroll in Hell!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
} We'll be glad to have you!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
} [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...]
} Admissiel: Hell U. Admissions, please hold.
} [musak ... musak ... I scream ... more musak ... I nearly faint ...]
} A: Thank you for holding, sir. As you may know, very few people are
} qualified to enter Hell U. We percieve that you are a marginal case.
} We can recommend a variety of remedial courses which, though they
} would not give you a certain chance of entering Hell U, would greatly
} improve your standing. For one of your intellectual temperment, I
} would recommend a course of study in Fundamentalist preaching, or
} perhaps Creation Science.
} O: Please tell me the reason that email@example.com is en-
} A: Perhaps you are unaware of the advantages of Hell U. as an academic
} institution! First, we have many of the greatest teachers of all
} times. The instructor in Literature of the Italian Renaissance is
} Savonarola; Chairman Mao is teaching Appreciation of the Arts, Dr.
} John Morris of the Institute for Creation Research to teach biology,
} and so forth.
} Second, University of Hell include most of the world's greatest
} political and business leaders: Nixon, Reagan, Marcos, Noriega,}
} Stalin, Hitler, and so on to name only a few. Our graduates get
} contact with the present, past, and future great men of the world.
} Third, our unique educational facilities greatly enhance our edu-
} cational process. You *never* forget anything, once you have learned
} it in Hell! Ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Never! You slimy hunk of
} worm-eaten badger bladder!
} Excuse me. Forgive my sudden burst of entheusiasm. I should also
} mention our extensive libraries, our spatious grounds (no matter
} how many people are on campus, there's always room for more).
} Our climate is another attractive feature. Most of the campus is
} warmer than even Hawaii or California. However, there are parts of
} it which are much cooler, giving opportunities for winter sports
} such as skiing and skating. There are a variety of rivers and
} forests in easy walking distance as well.
} In summary, you should strongly consider applying to Hell because of
} the superb educational opportunities here, and the impact that it
} will have on your future career.
} And best of all, we don't ask for *any* financial contributions from
} alumni! All we ask for their support is their spirit!
} O: Thank you.
} A: You're welcome, sir. We hope to see you here yourself, and we hope
} you stay a *long* time. Ha! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
} ha ha! We'll fill your liver with
} You owe the Oracle the long-distance phone charges, and the price of
} three extra-strength aspirins.