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Internet Oracularities #790

Goto:
790, 790-01, 790-02, 790-03, 790-04, 790-05, 790-06, 790-07, 790-08, 790-09, 790-10


Usenet Oracularities #790    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 09:10:32 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   790
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

790   93 votes 7kxp8 9fznb 2hzw7 efhrk apAg6 4dtwf 4kxlf 6lBm7 4gqAb 8rHa5
790   3.1 mean  3.1   3.1   3.3   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.2   3.0   3.4   2.8


790-01    (7kxp8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     0h 0rac13, \/\/h0 iz the m0st k-rad d00d uv a11 ti/\/\3, d0 u no ne
> g00d sitez?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world is a big and amazing place, and there are of course a myriad
} of interesting sights (and sites). Here are a few:
}
}  -The Aurora Borealis (or Australis for that matter)
}  -The left cranium of Zaphod Beeblebrox immediately after he's consumed
}   a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
}  -The Sydney Opera House at dawn
}  -The Taj Mahal at sunset
}  -Stonehenge on midsummer's day
}  -Newgrange on mid-winter's day
}  -Lisa at any time of the day
}
} The common feature all these sites share is that none of them is on
} Internet. That should tell you something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a back-to-front baseball cap and a spell checker


790-02    (9fznb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest of great ones, infernal desire, epitome of ... well,
> everything, alkowing, all-seeing, all-doing, all- ... well, everything,
> oh mightiest of the mighty who possesses more knowledge in your very
> excrement than all humans combined, I beg of you an answer to this most
> deep of questions:
>
> How do I get rich -- QUICK????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At your local grocers, just above the ice cream. I prefer the chocolate
} but, since you can't drink it slow . . . get the strawbery too.


790-03    (2hzw7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who am I ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, you'd be nothing more than a *ZOT* for lacking a grovel.  I'm
} in a good mood, though, so I'll give you a quick quiz, to allow you to
} i.d. yourself.
}
} 1. When I think of the ideal vacation spot, I imagine:
}    a. a beach in Tahiti, with white sands and free drinks.
}    b. a casino in Las Vegas, with pull tabs and free drinks.
}    c. Inuvik, in winter
}    d. a Doom telnet site, with all the connect time I want.
}
} 2. You're at a COMDEX conference, and a beautiful woman sits down
} beside you at the "Computers:  Are they Really Real Now?" seminar.
} What do you do:
}    a. smile and make a flippant remark about some geek across the room
}    b. tell her she must be lost, that the Mary Kay convention is in 231B
}    c. sweat profusely and use your remote login to ask for advice
}       from the guys in channel #Ilikehotbabes for advice
}    d. start a conversation about her laptop
}
} 3. I think the coolest band that ever was is:
}    a. the Doors
}    b. Molly Hatchet
}    c. REM
}    d. Dave Brubeck and his orchestra
}
} 4. If I were Bill Gates, the next thing I'd do is:
}    a. give all my money to charity, and strive to make the world a
}       better place
}    b. use my vast resources for nothing but games, games, games
}    c. kill the programmer who created "Bob"
}    d. build a whole new computer system, called "Spruce Goose"
}
} 5. The four elements are:
}    a. earth, air, fire and water
}    b. IBM, MacIntosh, SUN and Motorola
}    c. monitor, modem, mouse and motherboard
}    d. cheetos, doritos, Marlboros and Budweiser
}
} Ok, now here's the scoring:  "a"'s are worth 1, "b"'s worth 2, etc.
} Add up your score, divide it by the amount of time you took to complete
} this, mulitply by Pi (to the 30th decimal), and add the amount of Snow
} White's dwarves names you can remember.
}
} less than 30 points: normal.  My guess is accountant, fireman or cowboy
} would be good careers for you.
}
} 30-75 points: edgy.  Bungee jumping might be a hobby.  Unix programmer,
} computer salesman, or 7-11 clerk are all fitting career choices.
}
} 75+ points: loopy.  You must be, or should be, a Sysop or working Tech
} Support (hopefully over the phone).
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "What Colour is Your Parachute?".


790-04    (efhrk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, hi, Tommy.  I moved the pinball machines in the back room.


790-05    (apAg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and most wise oracle, please, impart upon me some of your
> infinite wisedom and in your generosity answer this question,
>
> Why is the inertial mass of a system equal to the gravitational mass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you asking this because you want to chuck your PC system out of the
} window?
} I understand.  Welcome to Windows95.
}
} You owe the Oracle an old joke: What's the best way to accelerate a PC?
} 9.8m/s/s, straight down.


790-06    (4dtwf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is the english thing due tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, God, I completely forgot! [*]
}
} [*] Omniscience is not incompatible with abject stupidity.  Trust me.
} I know.
}
} What was the topic again?  Shakespeare's influence on modern culture?
} Okay. . .
}
}                     **************************
}
} To be, or not to be --
} that is the question;               Should I stay or should I go now?
} whether tis nobler in the mind      If I go there will be trouble;
} to suffer the slings and arrows     if I stay it will be double. . .
} of outrageous fortune. . .
} [Shakespeare, Hamlet]               [The Clash]
}
}                     **************************
}
} . . .that undiscovered
} country, from whose bourn           "Game over, man!"
} no traveller returns.
} [Shakespeare, Hamlet]               [Hudson, Aliens]
}
}                     **************************
}
} If it were done when 'tis done,
} then 'twere well it were done       Just do it.
} quickly.
} [Shakespeare, Hamlet]               [Nike]
}
}                     **************************
}
} You owe the Oracle about 400 years of back-royalties.


790-07    (4kxlf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will it happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? Oh, you mean the *big* it, don't you? As in "doin' it", "gettin'
} it" and "was it good for you?".
}
} Take this simple test to determine the probability of "it" happening
} this week:
}
} -Start with 50%
}
} -Add 10% if you resemble Superman
} -Subtract 15% if you resemble Super Mario
}
} -Add 10% if you're wearing red
} -Subtract 25% if you're wearing "high karate"
}
} -Add 15% if you have an accent
} -Subtract 15% if you drive an Accent
}
} -Add 25% if you have a great body
} -Subtract 50% if that great body is stored where the cops won't find it
}
} -Add 30% if you're the lead singer in a famous band
} -Subtract 30% if that band is "Blues Travellers"
}
} -Add 25% if you have a condom handy at all times
} -Subtract 40% if it's used
}
} You owe the Oracular an "It Happens" bumpersticker


790-08    (6lBm7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ooogh!  Owie.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you would *think* that you would spell it like that, wouldn't you.
} But, you are incorrect.  It is actually Oougenoue.  Here is all the
} information I have on it:
}
} Oougenoue:
} A small island in the South Pacific, located at 42'37" S latitude,
} 164'17" W longitude.
} Approximately 8.263771 square miles in size.
} Shaped somewhat like Alfred E. Newman.
}
} Native population flexes greatly, as they are cannibalistic.
} Have a very advanced language, consisting of better than eight words.
}
}                               Male    Female
} Average Age                    14       17
} Life Expectancy                23       44
} Average Height (meters)        1.572    2.245
} Average Weight (lb)            135      311
}
} The island was not "discovered" until 1937.  However, it played a major
} part in the Tanzanian Army's participation in World War Two.  Of
} course, those soldiers that stayed there after the war were promptly
} eaten. Thus, no colonization has taken place, and very few missionaries
} have dared to try and spread the word of his/her God.
}
} It is rumored that Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa have resort homes there, but
} the rumors have thus far been unprovable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed map of the South Pacific.


790-09    (4gqAb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and knowledgeable Oracle:  Can you tell me the names and last
> known positions of any ocean going vessels that have been lost (sunk)
> prior to 1941 in the vicinity (10 miles) of Cape Breton Island, Nova
> Scotia, Canada

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I can.  They are:
}
} NAME:             POSITION:
} Miss Traveler     Bottom of the ocean
} Starboard Ranger  Bottom of the ocean
} S.S. Candida      Bottom of the ocean
} Salty Osprey      Bottom of the ocean
} Seaward Ho!       Bottom of the ocean
}
} You owe the Oracle a collection of all the episodes of "Gilligan's
} Island."


790-10    (8rHa5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and never procrastinating oracle, who always does his homework
> on time and gets up early, please answer my question:
>
> I seem to be failing out of school, so I'm going to take a year off.
> Some people recommend I do something not involving computers, like
> Cliff Stoll says in his new book.  What might I possibly do?  Work on
> a farm?  Go to LA and take up acting and choking on polluted air?  Go
> to London and get run over by people driving on the wrong side of the
> street?  Please help me with a few suggestions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Number one.  Turn your computer off *now*!  If you're going to try &
} live without computers, start now.  Come on now, reach out and flick
} that big red switch, people *can* exist without IRC and MUD.  Going
} cold turkey is the best way to sweat out a 'net addiction.
}
} 1, 2, 3... <cmd power-switch>
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} </cmd power switch>
}
} Hah!  You couldn't do it.  Could you?  Hmmm...
}
} Unfortunately computers are pervading all corners of the globe, so it
} won't do you much good to work on a farm or get run over in London.  My
} suggestion is to take up acting.  At least that way people will think
} you are working when you're surfing the 'net, or if you turn out to be
} an avaerage to poor actor, no one will expect you to work anyway
} (leaving you free to "surf 'til you die").
}
} You owe the Oracle an ISDN connection.


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