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Internet Oracularities #791

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791, 791-01, 791-02, 791-03, 791-04, 791-05, 791-06, 791-07, 791-08, 791-09, 791-10


Usenet Oracularities #791    (98 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 12:26:03 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   791
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

791   98 votes crqo9 9yola bmrsa 47vvp 9rwo6 4exxe bmuq9 5fzwb 6wqmc 8jxu8
791   3.1 mean  2.9   2.9   3.0   3.7   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.3   3.0   3.1


791-01    (crqo9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wisest of the wise, please tell me:
>
> How much mush would Chuck upchuck if
> Chuck could upchuck mush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That sounds to me like a thinly disguised woodchuck question.
}
} Therefore I shall not answer your query and you must pay dearly for
} it... with your life.
}
} Try to ask less irritating questions in your future incarnations.
}
} _____________
}               \
}       ___ -- \ \
}    /      \   \/
}   ' \  \_/ \ _ \
} \_   \     ,\---\
}   \   \---'  | -|
}    \   \     |  |
}     \( )     \ |]
}               \\J
}                 \
}                  \
}                   \
}                    \____
}                         \
}                          \
}                           \
}                            \
}                             \
}                              \____
}                                   \
}                                    \
}                                     \
}                                      \
}                                       \
}                                        \
}                                         \   *    *    *
}                                       *        *    *    *
}                                         ZZZZ  OO TTTTT ! !
}                                       *   Z  O  O  T   ! !  *
}                                     *    Z   O  O  T
}                                         ZZZZ  OO   T   ! ! *
}                                       *      *    *    *  *
}                                           *    *     *
}
} Had you still been alive you would have owed the Oracle a better
} ASCII art text editor and a film clip of someone barfing into a tuba.


791-02    (9yola dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose wisdom is as vast as Roseanne Barr, whose knowledge is
> as broad as the world's 8 continents, and whose vision is as keen as
> the neighborhood squirrels:
>
> What, O, What, is the point of Plato's Republic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you are a little confused there, sender. What you mean to say
} is: What is the point of PLUTO's Republic.
}
} The basic idea about the Pluto-republic is that fire hydrants and trees
} receive a much higher standing in society. Almost a holy status, one
} might say. It would become illegal to cut down a tree, and completely
} legal, and in fact REQUIRED to piss on fire hydrants.
}
} Dogs would receive equal citizenship and stray dogs would be considered
} free to roam at their own will. These dogs are furthermore known as
} free dogs. The dogs that wish to remain with their keepers shall do so,
} but will under no circumstance be required to do as the owner pleases.
}
} Furthermore the postmen would be required to announce their arrival by
} wearing bells around their necks, and cats would be denied access to
} trees when being chased by dogs.
}
} Birds would be under restriction, not to fly away all the time, when
} dogs want to run after them. Sticks and balls would be thrown whenever
} the dog wishes and failure to walk the dog three times a day would
} result in capital punishment.
}
} Also all food stores, parks, public transportation vehicles,
} restaurants, beaches, national parks, zoo's and public buildings would
} not only be open to dogs but to free dogs.
}
} Dogs would not be required to do tricks to get snacks, but would have
} the free will to do tricks as they please. Also, only the finest soup
} bones would be given to the dogs, and all shoes would be up for grabs
} whenever a dog would feel the urge to chew.
}
} Pluto formed this dream of a utopic community during a dark time in his
} life, between 1979 and 1982 when he was more or less out of work. He
} went to the trials for Lassie II - The Return and Beethoven, but was
} refused both times. While in this depression he had a revelation, a
} contact with God (the God of dogs, who's name incidentally is Pluto).
} Pluto said to Pluto that Pluto was Pluto's prophet on earth and that he
} should carry the word of Pluto's Republic to the masses. Pluto
} naturally complied and has since preached the word of the Holy Pluto.
}
} That probably answers your question.
}
} You owe the oracle a flea collar, that DOESN't itch.


791-03    (bmrsa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Undescribably-Intelligent-Yet-Not-A-Brainy-Nerd Oracle, what sign
> are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yield.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big sign that says "DIP IN ROAD."


791-04    (47vvp dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All mighty Oracle! Who knows our thoughts before we think them; who
> sees our actions before we perform them; who always knows what to say
> when stuck in a difficult situation - please tell me this:
>
> Who do you ask when you have a question that you don't know the answer
> to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, buddy, I'm omniscient!  That means I know everything.  Of course,
} I may not be able to explain it in simple terms...  This usually leaves
} me with a couple of options:
}
} 10. The Supplicant-Didn't-Grovel-So-I'll-Weasel-My-Way-Out-Of-This-One
} method.
}
} Hey, where's my grovel?  ZOT!
}
} 9. The Blame-It-On-Joel-Furr method.
}
} Hey, only Joel Furr would ask that question!  Zot!
}
} 8. The If-I-Split-In-Two-Then-The-Evil-Oracle-Will-Answer-The-Question-
} For-Me-And-I'll-Make-The-Oracularities method.
}
} What a lovely day.  I'll just enjoy it and ...
} Hey!  What's going on?                          /
}                                  /-------------/
}                                 /
} Who are you?                    | It's me, the evil Oracle!
} What's up, evil Oracle?         | I'm here to destroy your empire.
} Wanna answer some questions?    | What?  No... Of course not.
} Seeya!                          / Where are you going?  Come back here!
}              /-----------------/
}             /
}
} 7. The Star-Trek-Episode method.
}
} KIRK: It... looks... like... a... question...
} SCOTTY: No more questions, Cap'n.  We don't have the power.
} BONES:  Dammit, Jim.  I'm a doctor, not an Oracle.
} SPOCK:  Hey Uhura...  That's a sexy dress.  Wanna go back to my place
}       and watch a movie or something?
} UHURA:  Groovy.
}
} 6. The Have-Sex-With-Lisa-To-Make-The-Supplicant-Forget-The-Question
} method.
}
} ORACLE: Hey Lise...  That's a sexy dress.  Wanna go back to my place
}       and watch a movie or something?
} LISA: Groovy.
} <cue bass guitar, fade to bedroom, turn on mood lights>
}
} 5. The Top-Ten-List method.
}
} This method is usually chosen when the Oracle has way too much time on
} his hands.  It almost always implies the Oracle hasn't gotten anything
} from Lisa for a long time...
}
} 4. The Alien-Language or CIA-Secret or Capn-Crunch-Decoder-Ring method.
}
} Let's see...  If I take the ascii representation fo each letter, add
} them up, multiply by x, integrate with respect to time, divide by y,
} take the square root, convert to Japanese, convert back to ascii, and
} reverse every other letter, I get: "What is your favorite color?"
}
} The answer is, of course, blue.  No... yellow.
}
} 3. The America-Online method.
}
} > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > All mighty Oracle! Who knows our thoughts before we think them; who
} > > sees our actions before we perform them; who always knows what to
} > > say when stuck in a difficult situation - please tell me this:
} > >
} > > Who do you ask when you have a question that you don't know the
} > > answer to?
}
} GEE  I DONT KNOW  WHY R U ASKING ME ANYWAYS  GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE THE LOCATION OF SOME DIRTY GIFS  SEND THE LOCATION
} TO ME AT BIFF@AOL.COM OR CALL ME AT 415-555-6534
}
} 2. The Poetry method.
}
} Roses are red,
} Violets are blue,
} you gave a grovel,
} I'm proud of you.
}
} Your question is bad,
} it raises doubt.
} That is something
} I'll do without.
}
} And now I must go,
} cause Lisa looks hot.
} For doubting my smarts,
} you get a *ZOT*.
}
} 1. The I've-Spent-Way-Too-Much-Time-On-This-Answer-So-I'll-Just-Write-
} Something-Down-Really-Quick-And-It'll-Suck-But-Who-Cares-Anymore
} method.
}
} True.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new girlfriend.  I haven't gotten anything from
} Lisa for a long time...


791-05    (9rwo6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what are some of the better computer classes i can take to
> further my carreer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} One of the best and oldest languages you can learn is KISSUP. This
} programming language allows you to gain favor with you superiors
} and move up in the organiztion regardless of your talent. A sample
} subroutine:
}
} 10 IF BOSS = "HERE" THEN GOSUB 100
} 20 GOOFOFF = GOOFOFF + 1
} 30 GOTO 10
} 100 LET YOU = "KISSUP"
} 110 LET BOSS = "HAPPY"
} 120 LET YOU = "TOAD"
} 130 RETURN
}
} You owe the Oracle a part of your Employee Stock Ownership Plan.


791-06    (4exxe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle who could even edit all of the episodes of The Mighty
> Morphin Power Rangers so the lips match their words.
>
> Why do the Power Rangers make all sorts of stupid hand gestures with
> there hands when they are in costume.  Is it sign language?  Are they
> trying to scare away the enemy?  Are they perfoming the magic that
> makes the enemies disappear without a trace of flesh?  Is it Kabuki
> Shadow Puppet Theatre?  Or are they fanning the air becuase they just
> cut the cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant
}
} As with many Japanese products newly introduced to the West, this
} program was accompanied by a very buggy initial translation.  The
} original Japanese title of the series was "ekibanas oki morphina"
} which actually translates as 'big flower arrangers on dope'.  The
} Japanese translators title of 'Mighty Morphine Flower Arrangers' was
} simply misheard by the credits writer.  The hand movements you have
} observed is not in fact a sign language or a means of casting spells
} but a symptom of cold turkey.  The shapes drawn in the air are
} representations of primary designs from the ancient Japanese art of
} flower arranging, ekibana.
}
} You owe the Oracle an origami Godzilla


791-07    (bmuq9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle,
> whose stamina exceeds that of a 1000 MCI telemarketers,
> whose wisdom exceeds all of Microsoft upper level management combined,
> whose intelligence is that of 500 crack CIA agents,
> whose might is greater than that of Janet Reno and 50 BATF agents,
> who can make recalcitrant computers work just by glaring at them,
> who could type from memory the binary codes representing the latest
>  Linux kernel if he *really* needed to ...
>
> I ask you humbly:
>
> I just received a warning about the GOOD TIMES VIRUS, and I just
> downloaded a whole bunch of files from a BBS whose promo said
> ``For a GOOD TIME try out this BBS''.  Even worse, I had a GOOD TIME
> accessing the BBS, and I had a GOOD TIME downloading the files!
> What am I going to do?  I turned off my computer as soon as I read
> the warning and am now cowering in terror in the corner wondering
> what to do.  Is my whole computer ruined now?  Can I save any of
> my data?  My boss is going to be pissed if I lose this disk, as I
> have a month's worth of work on it.  I could also lose a gigantic
> list I got personally from Patricia Eng representing thousands of
> magazines I can make a ton of money selling!  I'm really going to
> need that money if I get fired.
>
> Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yep, you better believe it. THe GOOD TIMES virus wreaks havoc on your
} hard disk (like my alliteration?) by nybbling files, byting
} applications, and forcing your computer to repeating, "STEEEMPY, YOU
} ARE AN EEDIOT!" endlessly. However, there is a quick and easy solution
} to this menacing problem. Proceed as follows:
} 1. Boot up your computer while simultaneously holding down the <ESC>,
} <RETURN>, <CAPS LOCK>, <SHIFT>, <CONTROL>, <OPTION>, <ALT>, <DELETE>,
} <COMMAND>, <HELP>, and <SCROLL LOCK> keys (whichever ones are present
} on your keyboard should do fine)
} 2. Log on to your Net account and download all the dirty pictures you
} can find. This should distract the virus, giving it something to nybble
} on while you do the dirty work purifying your disk.
} 3. Delete all files containing the words "good", "times", or both. Or
} neither. Except for the obscene photos.
} 4. The virus is still present on your hard disk, but it will never
} bother you again as long as it has its pornography to nybble on. Your
} floppy disks aren't so lucky. You must purify them by passing horseshoe
} magnets over each and every one of them. This kills off the virus's
} food and prevents it from thriving on your floppies. To make sure the
} floppies stay that way, attach a large magnet to your computer's floppy
} drive.
} 5. If you own any CD-ROMS, take a sharp instrument and inscribe a
} drawing of John Norstad onto the bottom surface of each disk. This
} scares off the virus.
} You're all set and virus-free...until you receive your next e-mail
} message, that is. Since any message may contain a stronger strain of
} the virus, you must make sure you repeat the whole procedure then
} You owe the Oracle a virus that wipes out all traces of stupidity from
} the infected computer- or for that matter, from its user.
} Oracle incarnated as <t1kchevalier@wellesley.edu>


791-08    (5fzwb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi!..
>
> How does an encryption-program work?
>
> LaterOn, Martin!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting variation on the grovel theme. Hmm... <the Oracle toys
} thoughfully with the *ZOT* lever> Oh alright, I'll let you live this
} time.
}
} Encryption programs are very simple when you learn the underlying
} mechanics. The idol rests on a spring-mounted plinth, which moves
} upward when the idol is removed by an unauthorised intruder. This
} activates a series of pulleys and levers -- the exact configuration
} naturally depends on the size and shape of your crypt -- which
} ultimately release a swing hammer. The hammer shatters a glass tube
} containing sand or some other fluid medium -- the encryption software
} -- and as the sand runs out, a huge stone block descends and closes off
} the entrance and, voila! the intruder is encrypted.
}
} Actually, sand makes for very poor encryption software as it tends to
} run slowly, leaving plenty of time for athletic, Indiana Jones-style
} grave robbers to escape by rolling under the stone block just before it
} reaches the floor. The ancient Egyptians and Mayans carried out a lot
} of research to try and improve the software but, lacking really
} sophisticated technology, never came up with a crack-proof program. For
} the modern encryption engineer, I recommend mercury.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never again to call him Martin. We
} prophets are stigmatised enough as it is.


791-09    (6wqmc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, whose party gags are always funny, even if they involve
> soccer, and whose pickup lines are always successful,
> plase your suplicant on the following:
>
> What are the best girls inf the world?
>  the world?
> !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well!  It isn't often I get an opportunity to inf the world for girls.
} Of course, I presume you mean what is the lim sup inf world
}                                           girls
}
} Or maybe, you were trying to ask what is the lim inf sup world
}                                              girls
}
} You can reach the limit in this world only if you assume that girls are
} continuously available and that you are continuously thinking about
} them.  Fortunately for you, they DON'T have to be continuously thinking
} about you provided that there exists a heteromorphism between your set
} of thoughts and theirs.
}       In other words, for any epsilon greater than zero, there exists a
} girl within a delta of you such that whenever the absolute value of the
} distance between you and her is less than epsilon, there exists a
} relation and you can function.
}       So the best girls are those within epsilon of your heart.
}
} you owe the Oracle a recent edition of Rudin.


791-10    (8jxu8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterious Oracle, please explain something
> to a confused New Zealander.
>
> What is the constellation that's shown on the U.S. flag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are mistaken.  The stars on the American flag are NOT a picture
} of some constellation.  Betsy Ross is credited with creating the
} first American flag.  She was a big Star Wars fan, and she especially
} loved the scene where the Millenium Falcon first made the jump to
} light speed.  The scene is of course particularly moving on the big
} screen of a theater, which is where she saw the movie (they didn't
} have video cassette recorders back then.)  Anyway, she wanted the flag
} to have a bunch of stars so that it would wave in the wind and blur
} all the stars into streaks just like in the movie.  Sadly, the wind
} never got strong enough to create the visual effect she was after.
} When George Washington saw the flag, he asked her what on earth she
} was thinking of when she put on all those stars.  Her immortal words
} (on which a successful folk song was later based) were "The answer,
} my friend, is blowin' in the wind."
}
} You owe the Oracle a red, white, and blue kiwi and a portrait of
} Harrison Ford wearing a curly white wig.


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