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Internet Oracularities #792

Goto:
792, 792-01, 792-02, 792-03, 792-04, 792-05, 792-06, 792-07, 792-08, 792-09, 792-10


Usenet Oracularities #792    (104 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 15:58:05 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   792
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

792  104 votes 9ezug Uod83 6tzt5 8htsm 7iDua eilul 5izvf 2dDBd 9ACf6 6bwwn
792   3.1 mean  3.3   1.8   3.0   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.4   2.7   3.5


792-01    (9ezug dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificent being could you help me with this
>
> Tell me:-
>
> If most people who wear clothes get belly button fluff, where does this
> fluff go to ? Is there are great Belly Button Fluff Mountain ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Actually, no.  It's a good guess, but actually this humble substance is
} the raison d'etre of the Belly Button Fluff (or BBF) Fairy, less famous
} than the Tooth Fairy but more widely known than the Toenail Clipping
} Fairy, the Lost Hair Fairy, or the Used Dental Floss Fairy.
}
} If you're dubious, you might consider the telling fact that few people
} take the time to remove their belly button fluff, yet somehow it
} doesn't continue to build up until it becomes a social embarrassment
} (you never, for instance, hear people say, "Is that a wad of
} undiscarded belly button fluff, or are you just glad to see me?").
} This is the doing of the BBF Fairy, who flits from belly button to
} belly button during the night on a weekly basis, removing the week's
} buildup and spiriting it away to an unknown location.
}
} What exactly happens to it after that is not clear; your guess about
} the mountain is known to be incorrect because at this point such a
} mountain would be visible from space and none has been found.  Of
} course, being the Oracle, I know the true answer, but I prefer to let
} the Belly Button Fluff Fairy keep its little secret.  Besides, Nabisco
} employs many welmeaning and decent people who would be horrified to
} learn... oops, almost spilled the beans there.
}
} Anyway, like the Tooth Fairy, the BBF Fairy likes to leave you little
} gifts to repay you for its findings.  Alas, due to a chronic funding
} shortage, the BBF Fairy is not able to leave quarters, and opts instead
} for small plastic objects in tiny sealed baggies, keys which don't fit
} any known lock, dead batteries, and buttons, all of which it leaves
} scattered about the house in random drawers to be found by puzzled but
} (presumably) grateful human beings.  If this practice displeases you,
} you might want to count your blessings that the BBF Fairy does not
} insist on stuffing these items into your belly button in the Tooth
} Fairy's tradition of leaving the gift where the offering was found.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of Oreos.


792-02    (Uod83 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have silver there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} where?
}
}         Because e-mail can be altered electronically,
}         the integrity of this communication cannot be guaranteed.


792-03    (6tzt5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great and wonderous Oracle.....Why *do* fools fall in in
> love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several schools of thought on this:
}
} 1) Molecular biology
}
} Basically, a huge hunk of your DNA is there to make sure that the REST
} of your DNA gets a chance to be copied.  When your brain is getting
} constructed, a hunk of it is allocated just for the "reproduce"
} function. In order to accomplish that, it's allowed to tell you any lie
} it wants to.
}
} So when a potential mate shows up, this hunk of your brain tells you
} lies like "you are attractive" and "it'll work out this time".  If you
} try to interfere, eventually it just says "Look, bucko, I was built by
} DNA which has been on this planet for 3.5billion years now.  If you
} think you can outwit a veteran of 3.5billion years of the struggle to
} survive, then you have another think coming."
}
} 2) Self-selection of sample.
}
} If two sets of people begin romances, and one of them fails, the people
} in the failed one think of themselves as foolish.  The people in the
} other one think of themselves as lucky.  So both groups had romances,
} but the one that flopped is the one that is marked as "foolish".
}
} 3) Basic misunderstanding.
}
} This is the school of thought which says that love isn't something you
} fall into: love is something you grow.  If you expect to just fall into
} a perfect relationship, you're doomed.  It has to grow, as the people
} involved nurture it.
}
} 4) The "birds & bees" explanation.
}
} Fools fall in love because they're bird-brains.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Richard Dawkin's book _The Selfish Gene_.


792-04    (8htsm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when i will be married

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right after the priest says 'I now pronounce you man and wife'


792-05    (7iDua dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is OJ guilty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The carton in my fridge says "100% pure".  I guess that settles that.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Florida sunshine.


792-06    (eilul dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who is never fooled by mere
> mortals' trickery, how can I ask you the
> dreaded w**dch**k question withoug getting
> zotted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want the short answer or the long answer?
}
} The short answer is: "You can't!" ** ZOT **
}
} *sigh*
}
} Look, how about if I tell you about me and woodchucks? Then maybe
} you'll understand my revulsion and stop pestering me with this
} particular question all the time. But you must promise to keep this
} just between the two of us -- if it became general knowledge, my
} reputation would be shot.
}
} It all started many centuries ago, when I was a young and naive
} immortal, newly embarked on the career of Oracle...
}
} [The screen begins to waver, and violins play eerily in the background
} as we enter flashback mode]
}
} CAESAR: What sayest thou to us, augurer?
}
} ORACLE: Er, hmm... say, do you fancy using tarot cards instead? They're
}   always good for a laugh.
}
} CAESAR: Fear not to speak plainly. The things that threaten'd us ne'er
}   looked but on our back; when they shall see the face of Caesar, they
}   are vanished. Dangers are to us indifferent. I'faith, danger knows
}   full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he. So speak!
}
} ORACLE: How 'bout I-ching?
}
} CAESAR: Nay! Pluck the entrails of this offering forth and give us your
}   opinion on't! When Caesar says "Do this!" it is perform'd.
}
} ORACLE: Well, I'll be frank with you, Jules. There's nothing I can say.
}   You see, this here sacrificial woodchuck's got no entrails to pluck
}   forth.
}
} CAESAR: An unnatural and most uncanny portent!
}
} ORACLE: Nah, no need to get your toga in a twist. All it means is I
}   can't give you a prediction. Nothing to go on, y'see. No entrails, no
}   answer. Nix. Nada. El zippo. Total blankness. Sorry and all that.
}
} CAESAR: Thou wilt not prophesy? Then art thou a sorry soothsayer, full
}   of sound and fury, signifying nothing! Caesar shall go forth!
}
} ORACLE: Okay, okay! Don't get mad and start slipping into Macbeth! Tell
}   you what I'll do, Jules. As it's you, I'll open up another woodchuck,
}   no extra charge. Two for the price of one! Can't say fairer than
}   that, can I? Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!
}
} [Enter Zadoc the Priest, on his knees as custom demands]
}
} ZADOC: You yelled, O Semperprocognitive One?
}
} ORACLE: We need another woodchuck pronto -- this one's got no entrails.
}
} ZADOC: No entrails! An unnatural and most uncanny --
}
} ORACLE: Don't you start! Just fetch another one.
}
} ZADOC: At once, Master! Where shall I --
}
} ORACLE: Don't dither, fool! The customer is waiting!
}
} [Exit Zadoc the Priest, with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one
} shuffling everywhere on his knees. Caesar paces restlessly]
}
} ORACLE [grinning weakly]: No entrails -- what a thing, eh? No wonder he
}   had a lean and hungry look. Ha ha ha, that's a joke, Jules! Lean and
}   hungry, geddit? Erm, oh well, suit yourself... [relapses into an
}   uncomfortable silence]
}
} CAESAR: Methinks we should take our custom elsewhere...
}
} ZADOC [re-entering at speed]: Here's another woodchuck!
}
} ORACLE: Quick, give it here! Hang about, Jules -- this won't take a
} sec.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Squeak! Squeak! Sque-AWKK!!!
}
} ORACLE: Hah -- look at that! More entrails than you can shake a stick
}   at! Told you it'd be okay this time.
}
} CAESAR: Then prophesy, and stand not on ceremonies -- Caesar is turn'd
}   to hear.
}
} ORACLE: It says "Beware the Ides of March".
}
} CAESAR: 'Tis now November.
}
} ORACLE: Well, there you go then! No probs, eh?
}
} CAESAR: This way hast thou well expounded it. We are passing pleased,
}   soothsayer.
}
} ORACLE: Glad to be of service, Jules. Pay at the cash desk on the way
}   out. Have a nice day.
}
} [Exeunt Caesar and Zadoc the Priest. The Oracle studies the second
} deceased rodent. A puzzled expression gradually creeps across his
} sagacious features]
}
} ORACLE: ZADOC!! Get in here, you baboon!
}
} ZADOC [re-re-entering]: You yelled yet another time, O Ye of the
}   Titanium Lined Lungs?
}
} ORACLE: Where did you get this woodchuck?
}
} ZADOC: Er, from the blue cages, Master.
}
} ORACLE [horrified]: The *blue* cages!
}
} ZADOC [cringing]: Master, y-you said --
}
} ORACLE: You gimboid! You pismire! You worse than senseless thingy! The
}   woodchucks in the blue cages won't be ready for another four months!
}   Wait a minute... four months? Ides of March? Ides of *November*! Oh
}   *NO*! Zadoc, where's Caesar?
}
} ZADOC: H-he just left on his way to the Senate --
}
} ORACLE: SHIT!! We'll ever catch him now! Er... he *did* pay, didn't he?
}
} ZADOC: Yes, I think so...
}
} ORACLE [shrugging his shoulders glumly]: Oh well, I guess the day isn't
}   a complete write-off then.
}
} [The screen goes wavy again. Flashback mode ends]
}
} You owe the Oracle a woodchuck haggis. And remember, not a word to
} anyone.


792-07    (5izvf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who could put all the financial analysts in New York
> out of business with his keen insights...
>
> Thanks to some profitable investments, I've just made some money. What
> do you think about the following options?
>
> A) starting a checking account
>
> B) paying my mortgage
>
> C) running off to the Caribbean, where I could buy up beachfront
>    property in the tax-free Cayman Islands and live like a king while
>    smuggling guns and cigarettes to revolutionaries in South America

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations on your newly-found fortune!  Now that you're ready to
} start living the good life, I'd like to talk to you about a Mutual of
} Oracle insurance policy.
}
} Now I know that a lucky guy like you doesn't think he needs insurance.
} However, we at Mutual of Oracle are concerned about your long-term
} security.  For instance, what if that lovely house of yours should
} accidentally <ZOT> whoops!  Well, you were planning on putting in a
} skylight anyway, right?  As I was saying, Mutual of Oracle provides
} comprehensive insurance against every sort of risk.  We'll even sell
} you a very reasonable auto collision poli<ZOT beeeeeeep crash!> uh oh
} - that's going to require a new coat of paint, at least...  but back
} to my original point.  A fellow like yourself, in the prime of youthful
} good health, can obtain excellent coverage for a very reasonable
} monthly premium.  Think of it as buying peace of mind; you'll never
} have to worry about paying the cost of a catastrophic personal
} injury <ZOT sizzle crunch> oh dear.  Do you need a band-aid?  Well,
} then, let me continue... we even provide low-cost term life insur-
}
} What's that?  You'll sign with us?  That's great!  I'll send
} Guido over to collect the first premium tomorrow.
}
} You owe Mutual of Oracle $10,000 in small, unmarked, non-sequential
} bills.


792-08    (2dDBd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is a rational number defined as one which makes sense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Originally, yes. But due to their misapplication, certain numbers
}  which originally made a great deal of sense don't anymore. For
}  example:
}
}  number        application           reason for reduction in sense
}  ------        -----------           -----------------------------
}
}    3           felony convictions    Baseball metaphor carried way
}                                      too far. 3 strikes -> life
}                                      w/out parole? What's the next
}                                      at bat, reincarnation?
}
}    7           deadly sins           False septchotomy. Where would you
}                                      put, say, eating three pounds of
}                                      Vanilla Macadamia ice cream off of
}                                      your SO's favorite erogenous zone?
}
}    9           lives of a cat        It only seems like they've got
}                                      this many, because it's surprising
}                                      they aren't all throttled shortly
}                                      after outgrowing kittenhood.
}
}   50           ways to leave your    Too constrictive, especially
}                lover                 the implied name/method rhyming
}                                      requirement.
}
}   57           varieties (Heinz)     There are now c. 208. Get a grip.
}
}   76           trombones             More than one trombone makes no
}                                      sense in any circumstances. If
}                                      you don't believe me, ask a
}                                      trombone player.
}
}  110           cornets               ...right behind 76 trombones, IMHO.
}
} 1984           the novel             Spurred needless anxiety about
}                                      government control of our lives.
}                                      Eleven years later, we can safely
}                                      get on the 'net and type "Sen. Exon
}                                      is a hoseba|}{+||~`
} NO CARRIER


792-09    (9ACf6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do with myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am *SHOCKED* by the level of obscentiy that this question implies!!
} This is the kind of e-mail that will not only get you *ZOT!*ed by me,
} the Usenet Oracle, but will bring on the *WRATH* of the United States
} Senate!  I'll see to it that you net access is buried so deep that
} you'll need to dig a whole deeper that the  *CLINTON*  Administration
} just to get to you LOGIN screen!  Your kind really makes me sick, you
} little stinking....oh, you meant after dinner tommorow?  Oh, so sorry.
}
} Let's see..<flip, flip> there's nothing but reruns on the tube
} tommorow, go watch Waterworld.  Kevin needs the $7.00.
}
} You owe the Oracle Roger Eberts last book of movie reviews.


792-10    (6bwwn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I go diamond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About three million years after you go coal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good fossilized Ammonite.


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