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Internet Oracularities #793

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Usenet Oracularities #793    (85 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 11 Nov 1995 11:07:32 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   793
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

793   85 votes esieb 9bzp5 3uzb6 7inmf 5bnug bpza4 2dpwd dbAh8 dkpl6 9nyf4
793   3.0 mean  2.8   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.5   2.7   3.5   3.0   2.8   2.8


793-01    (esieb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the matter with your life?
> Is the poverty bringing u down?
> Is the mail man jerking u 'round?
> Did he put your million dollar check in someone elses box?
>
> What's the matter with your world?
> Was it a boy when u wanted a girl?
> Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl?
> Life it ain't real funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it
>
> Pop life - Everybody Needs a thrill
> Pop life - We all got a space to fill
> Pop life - Everybody can't be on top
> But life it ain't to funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it
>
> What's that underneath your hair?
> Is there anybody living there?
> U can't get over, if u say u just don't care
> Show me a boy who stays in school and I'll show u a boy aware! Dig it.
>
> What u putting in your nose?
> Is that where all your money goes?
> The river of addiction flows, u think it's hot
> But there won't be no water when the fire blows, Dig it
>
> Pop life - everybody needs a thrill
> Pop life - we all got a space to fill
> Pop life - everybody can't be on top
> But life it ain't 2 funky unless it's got that pop
> Dig it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dig it deep o yes indeed,
} six feet under is what you need.
} If thrill is what you ask from life,
} Go out and get a real sharp knife.
}
} Wash down the pills with a gallon of booze,
} And settle yourself for an eternal snooze.
} Why stick around and moan and whine
} when you can sniff some rancid turpentine?
}
} Stop life--being bored is where it's at.
} Stop life--nobody hands you a welcome mat.
} Stop life--If you a desire a life with pop,
} Maybe you should consider making it stop.
}
} Stability and patience are the keys
} Otherwise you get an incurable disease.
} If you gotta have it fast and now,
} Try getting it on with a rabid cow.
}
} Keep it simple.  Keep it cool.
} Or drown yourself in your neighbor's pool.
} If you burn the candle at both ends,
} Don't turn your back on your so-called friends.
}
} Stop life--being bored is the thing to do!
} Stop life--don't settle for anythig new.
} Stop life--If you desire a life with pop,
} Maybe you should consider making it stop.
}
} Fer shure, fer shure.  What it is!


793-02    (9bzp5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great, wise, and magnificent Oracle, I kneel
> before you and humbly beseech an answer to my
> question.
>
> I've seen several links on the World Wide Web which
> purport to go to nude pictures of Marina Sirtis.  But
> none of them seem to work.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, they work just fine.  What you are seeing is, as you said, a nude
} picture.  It's not Marina that's nude, it's the picture.  The picture
} has nothing on.  And that's what you see.  Nothing.
}
} Did you happen to notice the clever links those pictures have that
} connect your bank account to mine?  Every time you click on one, you
} automatically send me another $13.45, plus tax.  Neat, huh?
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  Just keep clickin'!


793-03    (3uzb6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle, Knower of Everything, please tell me: When little
> green men run around outside a person's window at night, what is that
> person supposed to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're supposed to give them candy and a calendar.  The candy is for
} Halloween, while the calendar is to show them that they're a few days
} off the mark.
}
} You owe the Oracle some individually wrapped pretzels.


793-04    (7inmf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm collecting recipes from celebrities.  Would Lisa please give me her
> recipe for chocolate chip cookies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... you're very lucky that Orrie isn't here, since he'd quickly
} *ZOT* you due to your lack of grovelling.  However, I'd be happy to
} share my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
}
} LISA'S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
}
} Ingredients
}
} 1/2 cup butter*
} 1 cup   sugar
} 1       obsolete computer, unplugged (e.g. VAX 11/780)
} 1/2 tsp vanilla
} 1/2 tsp salt
} 1       piece of cloth, 6'x3' or larger
} 1       egg*
} 1 cup   chocolate chips semi-sweet* (or M&M's)
} 1       male bait (varies for each case)
} 1/2 tsp soda
} 1       zot-capable omnipotent entity, male
} 1 cup   flour
} 1       sunglasses (optional)
} 1/2 cup nut meats, chopped (optional)
}         length of string
}         assorted paints
}
} * - or appropriate substitute, for vegan cooks.
}
} After cleaning computer thoroughly, especially vents, grease sides and
} top of computer.  Be sure to coat evenly.  In a bowl, cream the
} butter, add sugar gradually, while creaming.  Add egg and vanilla,
} beat them to blend.  Stir in flour, soda, and salt, then nuts and
} chips.  On cloth, using paints, paint one of the following: 1) image
} of a woodchuck, 2) the woodchuck question, or variant, 3) image of
} Jeff "SpAmKiNg" Slaton.  Let the cloth dry.
}
} Using batter, hurl small globs at the sides and top of the computer,
} being sure to separate them adequately.  Also check that they don't
} slide or fall. (use smaller computers for fewer cookies. Warning! Do
} not use a Pentium or you will burn your cookies!) Next, use string to
} carefully hang cloth in front of computer, with image facing away from
} the computer.
}
} Activate male-oracle bait.  (use whatever works for you. For me, this
} leather/rubber outfit seems to do the trick nicely.)  Lure Oracle
} casually past computer, and then note the image or words in front of
} computer.  Watch as Oracle gets infuriated and *ZOTs* the image, which
} heats up the computer and instantly bakes your cookies!  Give cookies
} a few minutes to cool. (coincidentally, just enough time to deactivate
} the oracle bait.)  Enjoy with milk! (or soy milk, for vegans.)
} Remember to throw away computer, or it'll start to stink.
}
} Good luck with your book!  I'll be curious to hear about Gen. Powell's
} recipe for peanut butter cookies; he can never seem to decide whether
} to use smooth or chunky peanut butter.
}
} -- Lisa


793-05    (5bnug dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Noble, Intelligent Oracle of Thought Processes and Studiousness,
> what would be a good plot for my upcoming sci-fi story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fairly compact grovel there, suplicant. Nevertheless, benevolence is a
} virtue. There are several popular sci-fi variants, you would be pretty
} smart to invent something different, so I suggest you use one of these
} tried and tested formulas. Points are awarded for 'Screenplayability'
} (SPA), I take it you will wish your book to be made into a movie,
} and will need some pointer about which way to go.
}
} 1) A series of naval style missions aboard a spaceship that is named
} and operated like a boat.  For: Get the mix of social stereotypes right
} and you've got a winner formula here. Nothing beats simplistic human
} relation issues than a U-boat style drama, with people crammed into
} 3 rooms of a 150 deck spaceship bigger than Rhode Island.  Against:
} Long term success can ultimately be your downfall. The actors chosen
} for your Movies will eventually get all wrinkly and start bulging
} out of their lycra shirts.  SPA: 9/10. Can be filmed on three sets
} (eg Bridge, Sick bay and Transporter room) a polystyrene cave may
} also prove useful.
}
} 2) Sci-fi being comes back from future to terrify specific present
} day people for things they haven't done yet.  For: Your 'future'
} being can be made pretty exciting and scary since he is surrounded,
} not by his exiting and scary contemporaries but, by nerdy humans.
} Against: Your readers will need advanced boolean algebra to be able to
} understand the plot. They will then be able to conclude that the plot
} is in fact impossible.  SPA: 7/10 Impossibility is not an issue with
} most punters wishing to part with ?4.00/$7.00 for a high body count.
} But this will not be a cheap movie to make, especially if you ever get
} to a sequel where movie go-ers will expect even more lavish special
} effects - like a robot made from silver snot.
}
} 3) Stranded alien left on Earth.  For: There is incredible scope
} here for a stonking good story. The alien's search for its departed
} comrades, the psycholological effect of being marooned lightyears
} from your home planet and family, the fact that the alien can only
} survive by eating warm human flesh, the alien's ability to mate with
} other species and create vicious hybrids, the skill of the alien to
} manufacture a communication station to contact his home planet and
} summon an invasion, etc. etc.  Against: You could really shit-out with
} a bald midget in the closet.  SPA: 3/10 if you go for the bald midget.
} A higher score could be had by going for the body-count option.
}
} 4) Teleportation drama, where inventor is inadvertantly combined
} with something else.  For: Spooky stuff. Lots of computers.
} Physical degredation of two beings into one. Lots of scope for
} fruitcake personalities.  Against: Must chose the combining parties
} with some care. Insects or mammals are good. An anchovie doesn't make
} for a good drama (Man slowly becomes more salty to the taste and ends
} up on a pizza) SPA: 8/10 Cheapish sets (cellar, two 'phone boxes,
} yellow vomit). Cheap co-actors (fly or similar). Scope for satire
} (Man combines with pixie - turns into Michael Jackson)
}
} 5) Future shock. Earth in near future where andriods are hunted by
} present-day-style cops.  For: Loads of scope for social issues,
} man-hunting, man vs machine, lonely cop stuff, romance with sexy
} android (who doesn't know she's an android - (hey, :-) aren't all
} chicks androids!))  Against: High intellect of reader required, it's
} easy to get lost in this one.  SPA: 9/10 Near future means standard
} sets and plenty of rain. You'll end up having to dub on a narrative
} 'cos nobody understands it first time around.
}
} 6) Distant future, intergalactig struggle between good and evil.  For:
} Epic tale to be told here. Bunch of stereotypes again (including a
} camp robot and a walking carpet). Makes for good swashbuckling stuff.
} Make sure good triumphs over evil - right kids? A Universe full of
} sequels available. Against: Not a lot. Keep the body count reasonable,
} or you might preclude the box-office from admitting a proportion of the
} population - and with this formula, you're going for 100% attendance.
} SPA: 10/10. Get ready to spend some serious cash. Inventing light-speed
} space travel and actually going there to film it might be cheaper.
}
} 7) Present day kid marooned in recent past, tries to get back to
} present day.  For: The usual time travel stuff. Nostalgia for '50s
} America will work well (and will even export sucessfully to Britain,
} beats me!).  Against: Don't use a Delorean. This plot is also defeated
} by logic.  SPA: 7/10. Film studios around the world are crammed with
} props for '50s America, keep costs down by choosing a Delorean.
}
} 8) Friendly aliens come to visit present day people. Some people
} are strangely drawn to the landing site, which they have previously
} modelled in mashed potato.  For: Use the 'present day' get out again.
} Against: No possibility of a body count. It's too nice. You don't
} actually see any aliens, which is strange for an alien story.
} SPA 6/10. Contemporary sets, flashing lights, and a trombone.
} Silhouetted alien at the end is all you need. Box office success for
} this movie will be stranger than the story itself.
}
} Distant future swashbuckling is the sensible way forward. Phone the
} bank and ask for a $100m advance. If you manage to get Carrie Fisher's
} phone number, I'd be most interested.
}
} You owe the Oracle Carrie Fisher's phone number.


793-06    (bpza4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me great Oracle who is more impotent than even I, does the world
> consist of mostly criticism, cynycism, or mystycism. Please explain in
> great detail.<grovel, grovel, grovel>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has concluded that the world is, in fact, composed almost
} entirely of Spam.  This fact was discovered quite recently, when the
} amount of Spam in the world became so great that it began oozing out of
} the crust of the earth, where it had been hidden safely away from human
} eyes, and onto Usenet, corrupting everything that it touched.  This
} Spam is what has given rise to cynicism, criticism, and mysticism -
} however, the truly wise know that at the root of all, underneath
} everything, there is and always shall be Spam.
}
} Cynicism:  Spam happens.  Spam always will happen.  Deal with it.
} Criticism:  Spam happens.  That sucks.  Mailbomb the Spam King.
} Mysticism:  Spam happens.  All hail wise and merciful and mysterious
}             Spam.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Nobel Prize.


793-07    (2dpwd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle whose infinitessimal knowledge dwarves the collective
> knowledge of the world's great scientists and philosophers...
>
> What is the point of calculus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Study Calculus  --> Good college
} Good College --> Good degree
} Good Degree --> Good job
} Good Job --> Fast Internet connection and lots of free time
} Fast Internet connection and lots of free time --> Submit questions to
} The Usenet Oracle
} Submit questions to The Usenet Oracle --> "What is the point of
} calculus?"
}
} So the point of calculus is so you can ask me what the point of
} calculus is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of recursive jeans.


793-08    (dbAh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and brilliant, yet puzzling Oracle, I understand all too
> clearly. Please confuse me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wind blows, the trees sway, the leaves flutter.  A breeze, you say?
} What is surging deep below the caldron of earth's surface?  Boiling,
} bubbling, brewing, melting, synthesis of unanticipated dreams. You want
} to be confused, humble one?  You are gently, prettily confused.  Dig a
} little deeper.  It is as clear as smoke.


793-09    (dkpl6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> mmnnmm?  mmnmnmnnnnnmmnmm!!!!  nnmmmnnn?!?!?!!?  MMMNNNNNMMMN????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You call those lyrics? C'mon, Brad, get with it!
}
} And that band of yours, Crash Test Dummies? What kind of name is that?
}
} I say get rid of the "n"s, most of the "m"s,  and the punctuation. That
} leaves you with:
}
} mmm mmm mmm mmm
}
} Now *that's* a hit song if I ever heard one! As for the band name,
} you're on your own.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good shaking and lurching all over the temple
} floor.


793-10    (9nyf4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Or wise and wonderous oracle, who knows all, sees all, and uses All to
>  get the stains out, I beg you to tell me:
>
>  Is it really love that makes the world go round, or as I have recently
>  been told, is it angular momentum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither, my poor, poor misguided child.  It is, unfortunately, an
} enormous fungi which lies just below the surface of the majority of
} the Western World.  This monstrous bracken acts much like an off-center
} weight upon a pendulum, pulling us in an erratic parabola which is then
} transformed into a circular motion by the vibration of millions of
} American feet, running from the once-noble party of Democratus to the
} acknowledged Master of Spin, Conservatius.  It is predicted that such
} forces will continue on into the future for as long as Man can ignobly
} jump horse amidstream, and act as though they have supported the
} winning side all along:  in short, eternally.
}
} If it is any consolation, the Giant Bracken loves us.
}
} You owe the Oracle the instigation of a decent, non-egocentrical
} popular movement.


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