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Internet Oracularities #794

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794, 794-01, 794-02, 794-03, 794-04, 794-05, 794-06, 794-07, 794-08, 794-09, 794-10


Usenet Oracularities #794    (82 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 09:14:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   794
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

794   82 votes bftha 6hrma amxc5 6aqsc 33iEi 8vpd5 4ptj5 5hto7 4fltd 3grme
794   3.2 mean  3.0   3.2   2.8   3.4   3.8   2.7   3.0   3.1   3.4   3.3


794-01    (bftha dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh oracle, whose hair is really pretyy,
>
> How?  How can I be like Kip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, articulate  supplicant,
}
} When I first received this question, I assumed that you were just
} another clueless supplicant who mistyped a question. "Kip" is just
} not a word used in everyday talk. However, I looked it up in my
} Funk & Wagnalls, and, sure enough, there it is:
}
} Kip, n.: A small bundle of animal hides, esp. from small animals.
}
} My apologies for assuming your ignorance. You must actually
} have a vocabulary superior to most of your mortal friends.
}
} At any rate, to your question: The answer should be obvious.
} Find yourself a cheese slicer - you know, the kind with
} the wire and the yellow roller. Hold it in your left hand, and place
} it on the outside of your right arm just below your shoulder.
} Pressing hard, run it down your arm to the elbow. This should
} neatly remove a quarter-inch thick layer of dermis. Lay the
} piece out on a table, draw an outline of a selected small
} animal as it appears in pelt form, and use an Exacto knife
} to cut the removed skin into the outlined shape. Discard the
} excess. Cut a two-foot length of string, and lay it on the table.
} Lay the newly-created pelt on the middle of the string.
} Repeat this several times, using different parts of your body,
} until you have a small pile of pelts in the middle of the string.
} Now, lift both ends of the string, bring them together over the pile,
} and tie them in a knot, creating a bundle. You are now like Kip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a LOT of aloe vera lotion.


794-02    (6hrma dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wondrous Oracle who always looks both ways before crossing the
> street...
>
> Could you please tell me why my dad's dress socks
> all have green toe seams?
>
> Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} It's a little known fact that socks had a complex society and a
} vibrant culture until they were usurped by human beings. You can
} prove this for yourself by observing all the myriad ways in which
} socks express their innermost feelings. However, among dress socks,
} the female of the species always had a green toe seam.
}
} But to cut a long story short, as part of the ruthless destruction
} of the sock way of life, humans have banished all the male socks
} to a different dimension (somewhere behind the washing machine,
} generally speaking), to prevent the socks from breeding and putting
} cotton companies out of business.  So dress socks, like all the
} others you may have, are all female, and thus invariably have a
} green toe seam.
}
} This sock-apartheid also explains why socks sometimes just seem to
} vanish, leaving behind single bereaved siblings, the so-called
} "odd" sock.  These fortunate socks have been snatched back by the
} males from the washing-machine dimension, where they take part in
} a great plan to produce a great invasion army of whole socks to
} reclaim the world from the human usurpers.
}
} I am reliably informed that the day of the socks will soon be upon
} us.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Birkenstocks.


794-03    (amxc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, buddy, what's that yer drinkin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Announcer Voice ON>
}
} It's the new and improved FireWater from Marlan Breweries.  Are you
} tired of flat, tastless beer?  Do you have trouble getting drunk?
} Are you looking for excitement in your drinking?  If so, then the new
} and improved FireWater is for you!  With many new ingredients,
} including tabasco and tobacco, FireWater's got a kick like a mule.
}
} FireWater.  Goes down quick and comes up quicker.
}
} <Announcer Voice OFF>
}
} You owe the Oracle a hangover cure.


794-04    (6aqsc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, burning bright, in the forests of the night, what
> immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?
>
> In what language, exactly, does 'eye' rhyme with 'symmetry'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In binary.  Allow me to illustrate:
}
} The word "eye" translated into binary is:
} 011001010111100101100101
}
} The word "symmetry" translated into binary is:
} 0111001101111001011011010110110101100101011101000111001001111001
}
} As you can see, they rhyme quite nicely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocket hex-to-octal converter and a green pen.


794-05    (33iEi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ObGrovel:  Oh, Great One, whose very existence enlightens us all,
>
> How does a doctor determine if his patient has Cronic Fatigue Syndrome?
> I mean, don't we all have reoccuring and unavoidable episodes of
> fatigue?
>
> *yawn*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ObGrovel"? "Cronic"?
}
} Listen, supplicant, there is a *big* difference between fatigue and
} plain laziness! Not to mention the condition known as "brain dead".
}
} Still, I'll assume that you were just too tired to proof-read your
} question before you sent it.
}
} To test if a patient is chronically fatigued or simply lazy, place him
} in a comfortable chair with his feet on a stool. The room should have
} subdued lighting and be comfortably warm. Soothing music should be
} played low in the background.
}
} In the middle of the room, at least 20 feet from the chair, should be
} placed the following objects:
}
} (1) a large glass of the subject's favorite beer
} (2) a 486 PC with the opening screen of "Doom II (Knee-Deep In the
}       Dead)" displayed, and with a state-of-the-art game toggle attached
} (3) a large black box with a red button attached, with a label on it
}       stating "WARNING: Pressing This Button Will Cause All Software
}       Engineers Who Developed Windows95 To Be Instantly Incinerated!"
}
} If the subject gets up and drinks (1), plays with (2) and presses (3),
} he is normal.
}
} If the subject gets up and only drinks (1) and presses (3), he is
} lazy.
}
} If the subject gets up and only presses (3), he is chronically
} fatigued.
}
} If the subject does not take advantage of the opportunity to even press
} (3), he is brain-dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large bottle of vitamins.


794-06    (8vpd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.  I found him to be a moderately
} proficient dancing partner, although he lacked grace on certain
} high-clipped pair-waltz steps.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flap-ball-change.


794-07    (4ptj5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent and enduring, scion of seers, thou whoest seeest deep
> into the hearts and minds of mere mortal beings, please hear my
> question, and deign to bestow upon this most humble supplicant, a
> hearty dosage of thy wisdom.
>
> Which should I choose, paper or plastic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     <The Oracle, dressed in deep-blue robes that have little illos of
} Bill and Opus all over them, smiles appreciatively at your
} well-executed grovel>.
}
} >> Which should I choose, paper or plastic?
}
}     I assume, supplicant, that you are asking about the bags dispensed
} in stupormarkets all over the country. Verily I answer unto thee, that
} when asked 'Paper or plastic,' thou should say but one word; yes.
}
}     Not only will this serve to confuse the poor, defenseless bagger at
} the base of the checkstand, and render you much amusement from their
} resultant expression, but it will also be correct in the technical
} sense. For I have discovered that even the paper bags used in today's
} stores have at least a ten-percent plastic content.
}
}     Go forth, and spread this joyous news. You owe the Oracle a roll of
} Saran Wrap (the heavy-duty variety).


794-08    (5hto7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We here at Oracle Labs(tm) are trying out a new olfactory answering
} system. This is the first in a series of "Scratch-and-Sniff" Oracular
} replies.
}
} For best performance, it is preferable that you be surrounded by a
} group of people you want to impress.
}
} Well, here goes "Oracular Scratch-and-Sniff Test #1"
}
} /-----------------------------------\
} |                                   |
} |              Scratch              |
} |              here for             |
} |                your               |
} |               answer              |
} |                                   |
} \-----------------------------------/
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Prophetic
} Deities(tm).


794-09    (4fltd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are blueprints blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you've heard the story about why old computers use only capital
} letters -- it was decided to save money by only including one case on
} print chains, they ran some tests and concluded that lowercase was more
} legible and therefore should be the one used, and then some suit
} pointed out that
}
}       "If you include only lowercase, it would be impossible to spell
}        the name of the Deity correctly."
}
} So for twenty years or so, computers used exclusively uppercase.
}
} There's a similar story about blueprints.  Engineers always used to
} design things in many colors, because that made reading the designs
} easier. When blueprint machines were first invented, they could
} reproduce in all colors, because the originals were multicolored.
} Unfortunately, those machines were very expensive.  The company that
} made them decided that they would sell more if they cut out the
} multicolor feature, because then they could cut their costs by 75% and
} therefore reduce the price by about half.
}
} So they asked a bunch of engineers what color they would like to see
} single-color replications of their designs be, and most said "Black on
} white" because that's more readable than anything else.  So they were
} going to make the new machines print in black on white, and then some
} suit said
}
}       "If there were no blue, it would be impossible to reproduce IBM's
}        logo correctly."
}
} And from that day on, blueprints have been blue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plotter.


794-10    (3grme dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise who can probably do adding and take aways in his
> head:-
>
> Will Amerika really go bust this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipresence can be useful for accounting purposes. I can access every
} item of monetary data on the planet, from the largest corporate
} accounts to the contents of a child's piggy-bank.
}
} If you add up all the assets of the USA and subtract all the debts the
} net result is $3.57. The issue is that Congress and Clinton can't
} decide how to spend the $3.57 (Macdonalds or Burger King?), and so have
} filed for insolvency.
}
} Interestingly $3.57 is the exact amount of cash that would be required
} to buy enough Cyanide to wipe out the lot of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-cynical perspective of 90's American
} Government.


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