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Internet Oracularities #795

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795, 795-01, 795-02, 795-03, 795-04, 795-05, 795-06, 795-07, 795-08, 795-09, 795-10


Usenet Oracularities #795    (91 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 00:10:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   795
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

795   91 votes 3dxuc 7qxj6 fmrk7 3dwqh 4jzna 8mtma 44jDp 5bovk pvr62 5issc
795   3.2 mean  3.4   2.9   2.8   3.5   3.2   3.0   3.8   3.5   2.2   3.3


795-01    (3dxuc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great horticulturalist whose prize pumpkins are bigger than Racquel
> Welch's, whose melons are bigger than Rambo's pectorals, tell a humble
> tiller of the soil what he must do!
>
> Every year until the present I've won my village's annual prestige
> carrot-growing competition with entries over two metres long. This year
> my deadly rival has got a gipsy to curse my plot of land and I'm
> getting nothing but finger carrots. What should I do? I have been
> emasculated. I feel like committing suicide. It's a week till the day
> of judgment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's get right to the root of your problem: The dreaded gipsy.
} Nothing is more harmful to a carrot crop than a gipsy curse,
} except possibly a gypsy curse, but that's beside the point.
} Exactly how did the gipsy curse your plot of land?  Did he say
} "F**K YOU, you dirty plot of land!" or something like that?
} No, on second thought, never mind that.  I just had a look at
} the rules for your village carrot contest.  It seems like
} the people of your village have forgotten the ancient carrot
} contest judging proceedures.  I quote from the original text:
}
} "Hymphin da carrutin, unt vitten der schmitten unt de noggin
} cloggin, vust figgle rith der cliggen claggen."
}
} As you know, that translates to "The carrot growers will duel
} to the death, with their best carrots for weapons.  If one
} has grown a carrot of such deadly proportions that nobody
} dares to fight him, he will be declared the winner and the
} combat will be avoided."  Your great grandfather won by that
} clause many years ago, and your family has won it ever since,
} always without combat.  It is easy to see how everyone could
} have forgotten the original (and bloody) way of judging the
} contest.
}
} So you see, even if yours is only the size of a finger, you
} may still win the contest, if you are skilled with it.  Once
} again, it's not the size, but what you do with it that counts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a carrot cake.


795-02    (7qxj6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         how on earth can you get a catchy song out of your head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten List of Ways to Get a Song Out Of Your Head
}
} 10) Listen to a different catchy song.  Repeat when you get bored of
}    it.
} 9) Try a new food, like squid pizza. (Eat it, just eat it...)
} 8) Soap.  Lots of soap. (Gonna wash that song right outta my head...)
} 7) Cut off your ear; mail it to your lover. (50 ways to leave your
}    lover...)
} 5) Travel abroad (Big ole jet airliner, don't carry me too
}    far away...)
} 4) Go chop wood (He's a lumberjack and he's OK...)
} 3) Go to sleep (Twinkle, twinkle, little star...)
} 2) Join a cult, and let them brainwash you.
} 1) Take a look at Lisa! (Girls just wanna have fun...)
}
} You owe the Oracle a manta ray casserole.


795-03    (fmrk7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle!
> Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather
> factory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just fire up the software:
}
} # tuo-supplicant-translation
}
} TUO Supplicant Translation v3.14
} Welcome, O mighty Oracle!
}
} ready> translate
}
} Phrase to be translated: extracto de quebracho
}            Grovel level: 0
}
} Processing translation request...
}
}   extracto = (English/misspelled) brand name for various common putty
}                                   knives
}         de = (English/"k00l") the
}  quebracho =>
}         que = (Spanish) what, that
}        bracho = (Various) break, broken
}
} Transliteration: The putty knife that broke
} Translation (common): The broken exacto knife
} Translation (tolkien): The sword that was broken
}
} ready> find
}
} Locations:
}   The broken exacto knife = Supplicant's desk drawer, under the rubber
}                             disk used to open stubborn cans
}   The sword that was broken = Aragorn son of Arathorn, Grey Havens
}
} ready> bye
}
} ALERT: You entered a grovel level of zero. Do you wish to *ZOT*
}        this supplicant (y/n)? n
}
} #
}
} So there you have it.
}
} You owe the the Oracle the Gran Chaco, in south-central South America.


795-04    (3dwqh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The US government has shut down today, except for 'essential services'.
> Great!  Why doesn't Congress just cut taxes to the level needed to
> support these essential services, and called the budget balanced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next candidate for President
} of the United States, the *Usenet* Oracle.
}
} (Applause as the crowds anticipate the Oracle walking up to the
} lectern)
}
} (Applause suddenly ends as Oracle surprises crowd by appearing in a
} flash of blinding light rather than walking up)
}
} Oracle: Thank you.  If eleceted, I will balance the budget by lowering
}      taxes to cover the essentials, and making sure that the government
}      only spends money on the essentials.
}
} Reporter:  What do you consider esential?
}
} Oracle:  I've prepared the following list of ...
}
} Environmental Lobbyist:  How about the $3 billion we proposed for
}      surveilance equipment to keep lumber companies away from the
}      spotted owl, surely that's on your list.
}
} Oracle:  No, you see...
}
} Extreme Left Lobbyist:  What we need is to carry out our $6.3 billion
}      proposal to build secret tunnels to abortion clinics to protect
}      the doctors.
}
} Oracle:  Just a second...
}
} Extreme Right Lobbyist:  What about our $4 billion proposal to mine the
}      secret tunnels to the abortion clinics?
}
} Oracle:  We aren't...
}
} Veteran Lobbyist:  Excuse me, last time they planned on cutting
}      everything but the essentials, they stopped veterans aid but
}      continued giving welfare checks...(lobbyist gets booed out of the
}      room before he can finish.
}
} Tabloid lobbyist:  Are you still going to let Congress give themselves
}      pay raises, so they can afford more scandalous living and give us
}      job security?
}
} Oracle:  Actually, I wa hoping they would take a pay cu...
}
} Congressional Lobbyist:  Hello, I'm from the...uhhhh..Citizens'
}      Committee of Really Concerned Citizens, yes that will do, and we
}      think that Congress is doing a bang-up job.  Surely, you don't
}      exect them to take a pay cut?
}
} Oracle pulls out <ZOT> gun and fires a large number of warning shots
}      over the crowds head.  Silence blankets the room.  A janitor looks
}      up at the burn marks on the back wall thinking about how long it
}      will take him to clean it off.
}
} Oracle:  Those aren't essentials.   As I was saying, the following are
}      the essentials for which the government will pay in order to keep
}      a balanced bu...(trails off as room is emptied of disgruntled
}      lobbyists)
}
} The next day, the papers carry nothing but bad reviews for the Oracle,
} because they too pander to the lobbyists.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anti-lobbying bill.


795-05    (4jzna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you don't really know everything, do you?
>
> how can you be sure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you slithering toadie! Little Miss I'll-Try-to-Provoke-the-
} Oracle-and-ask-a-really-goofy-question-without-a-grovel.  I haven't
} seen such ZOT-bait since I saw Newt Gingrich affectionately caressing &
} playing tonsil hockey with Miss Woodchuck 1994.
}
} As a matter of fact I do know everything. Here's a little example--
}
} Your keys aren't lost. They're currently in the ignition of your car,
} hurtling down Interstate 495 at 87 mph. I know who's driving the car &
} who's body is in the trunk. But you do too, Senator.
}
} You owe the Oracle some legislation creating BIG tax loopholes for
} omniscient beings who have both The Washington Post and Rupert Murdoch
} on his speed dial.


795-06    (8mtma dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose homestate of Indiana snagged the Colts in a dirty
> move years ago, please tell me:
>
> The Browns are going to move to Baltimore.  Rumor has it another NFL
> team (like Cincinnati or Tampa Bay) will move to Cleveland to replace
> them.  Wouldn't it have been more logical to move the Bengals or the
> Buccaneers to Baltimore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, but we are talking about football here. Consider some of the
} other aspects of football:
}
}   - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly
}   - A small leather ball of no recognizable shape
}   - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly
}   - Repetitive play structure, with down after down after down
}   - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly
}   - The occasional bare-footed kicker who does nothing else
}   - Large men ramming into each other repeatedly
}
} While mere mortals may not notice anything out of the ordinary here, my
} highly developed senses find a pattern here -- large men ramming into
} each other repeatedly. If you examine other aspects of modern life,
} there are relatively few others which feature this so prominently.
}
} For such an abnormal custom to arise in the game, something odd must
} have happened at its start. For example, what would you do if the game
} you invented was causing massive head, neck, and back injuries? Stop
} playing and take up something less hazardous, like sailing or
} dentistry, right? Well, the inventors of football did no such thing.
} They simply added padding until the players were both well-armored and
} burdened enough that they no longer dealt fatal blows to each other on
} a regular basis.
}
} It is exactly this sort of logic which leads to the current NFL
} migration patterns. Though it would be simpler and more sane to simply
} move a team directly to Baltimore, it just wouldn't fit in with
} football as we know it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a referee's decision on whether or not the Browns
} will be offside once their move to Baltimore is complete.


795-07    (44jDp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who always has the best Halloween costume:
>
> Who is the Greenwich, and why do we allow her to keep the world's time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Greenwich is the consort of the Green Man, a nature spirit from the
} Celtic mythology of the British isles. So the story goes, way back in
} the mists of history, the Time Being decided to delegate some of his
} authority by appointing one of the many wiches who existed back then,
} as guardian for the world's time. The choice eventually came down to
} three wiches: The Sandwich, the Norwich, and the Greenwich. Each of
} them was asked to demonstrate her qualifications for the job.
}
} The Sandwich worked day and night for a month, and fused sand into
} an hourglass the likes of which the world had never seen, one hundred
} ells high and fifty broad, which would keep time precisely, down to
} the smallest part of a second.
}
} The Norwich was determined to do even better. She set all the stars in
} their courses to revolving around her favorite (the North Star), in
} perfect lock-step synchronization, forming a precision clock the size
} of the entire cosmos. The stars continue in these circular paths to
} this day.
}
} The Greenwich, seeing what the other two had done, calmly raised her
} hand and called upon the forces of nature, and the Sandwich and the
} Norwich were immediately whisked away by an immense storm, never to be
} heard from again.
}
} Thus, the Greenwich was appointed as the guardian of earthly time for
} the simple reason that she can be really mean when she doesn't get her
} way. Hence the term "Greenwich Mean Time".
}
} You owe the Oracle a propitiation, for the Time Being.


795-08    (5bovk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who never chokes, please answer my query:
>
> My boyfriend told me last night that he wants to have "Oracle sex".
> What exactly is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle Sex is when you and your boyfriend have killer wicked mad
} passionate sex, and then afterwards, when you ask him if he loves
} you he gives you a smartass answer involving woodchucks and Joel
} Furr, but never really answers your question.


795-09    (pvr62 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why didn't somebody tell me that the 'puzzle of life' has finally been
> solved (or, at least that's what i heard)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The puzzle of life hasn't been solved.  In order to solve it, one must
} die.
}
} On the other hand, the Whitman version of Life has been solved - it's
} in the form of a jigsaw puzzle displaying an EKG machine. It's nothing
} terribly exciting.
}
} You owe the oracle some nitroglycerine tablets.


795-10    (5issc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bountiful Creator!  Dutifully enlightening friendly god!  Helpfully
> intricate jaundiced kindly libationee!  Majestically neat Oracle!
> Pleasantly quick revealer!  Sturdy teller!  Understanding voyager!
> Wonderful xylophonist!  Yon Zotteer!
>
> What would be the best selections of drinks for an alphabet drunk?
> I'd like to start with apricot schnapps, but what do you suggest for
> the rest of the drinks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, after the apricot schnapps, any booze will do.  Then, a cold one.
} After that, just drink.  Ethanol might do you well at this point.
} You've still got full bottles?  Start guzzling now.  Then get into the
} hard liquor.  Ingest whatever you can still handle.  Just drink it.
} Maybe another Kahlua?  Liquor!  More liquor!  Now for the real treat.
} Order another couple of rounds.  Take a pull from your growing
} collection of bottles. Quaff it if it's close.  Remove it from the
} bottles.  Suck it down.  Try something new.  Urine trouble now.  Vodka!
}  If you can still recognize your fine wine, drink it.  eXact every last
} drop.  You're not sick yet?  Zzzzz...
}
} You oowe thee Orracle a mixxxed drink thaat uses alll thee lletters off
} thee allffabet.


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