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Internet Oracularities #797

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797, 797-01, 797-02, 797-03, 797-04, 797-05, 797-06, 797-07, 797-08, 797-09, 797-10


Usenet Oracularities #797    (102 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 10:48:01 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   797
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

797  102 votes mtqk5 aqwu4 gsDd6 28wIg 7mvqg 2cEqm jqtl7 gakzl 6kAua 6kvsh
797   3.1 mean  2.6   2.9   2.7   3.6   3.2   3.5   2.7   3.3   3.2   3.3


797-01    (mtqk5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> big-ass ham, jail bait, vermin-crusted lard bucket, toe-jam football
> fan club, toast on a stick, Jimmy crack corn, firehose gutter wash,
> paintball Dave, auto compass, manual transmission, perpetual motion,
> nocturnal emission testing one two three

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Termite bait, monkey droppings, hard toilet residue, kiwi thought
} processes relating to the deforestation of the gipsy armadillo, army
} intelligence, attack of the killer turnips, smud, forced bubble
} extraction.
}
} You owe the oracle diatonic psychochemical peanut cataclysm.


797-02    (aqwu4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My God.  I just spent an hour answering someones question from my LAST
> question.  Do I *have* to answer this next one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah, just ZOT the guy for a little spelling error, or a slightly
} imperfect grovel, or something along those lines.  You've worked hard.
} You deserve a bit of fun now and then :-)
}
} Here, .I think you could do with a little more conviction in your
} character...practise on these..
}
} >  H3Y, 0R4C1E D0000000D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
} >  W#3R3 4R3 411 T#3 C#1CK5, M4N?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
} >  KEWL.   L8R D00D...
}
} <..zzzzot.>
}
} Hmm, you _are_ tired, aren't you...  Here, try another...
}
} >
}
} <zot>
}
} Yes, showing promise.  But you need more force, more _aggression_
} <grabs supplicants hair, tousles it a bit> Now think hard, think mean,
} think...Mr T from the A Team...yeah, real tough....get onto this one...
}
} >How much wood would a ..ah..argh!!
}
} <**ZZOT!!!**>
}
} Oo-ee you're cookin' with gas my son....now get out there and...do some
} askme's!
}
} You owe the oracle some more of those hour-long replies.  It's good to
} see that some people still put the thought into a good response.


797-03    (gsDd6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Zadoc! Get back here! What have you done with this supplicant's
}         question?
}
} Zadoc whithers under the Oracle's glare.
}
} Zadoc: Uhm... I was just... tending to it.
}
} Oracle: Well quit tending to it! I want to see it now!
}
} Zadoc: Uhm... yes sir... right away sir...
}
} Zadoc crawls away on his hands and knees. Moments later, he reappears,
} a tattered piece of email in his hands.
}
} Oracle: Give me that! <snatching it away from Zadoc> What does that say?
}
}        "Orrie, I really need your help. Newt's got me by the neck
}         and is pushing me into the back of a plane. How can I solve
}         this budget problem?         Signed, B.Clinton."
}
} Zadoc: I thought you wouldn't want to be bothered with political
}        issues...
}
} Oracle: I don't care what you think! Who's the omniscient one here
}         anyways?
}
} Zadoc: Sorry sir... very sorry... sir...
}
} Mumbling incoherently to himself, Zadoc shuffles off again.
}
} Oracle: Now, where were we? Ah yes, this mysterious B.Clinton. I wonder
}         what budget problem he's talking about. Probably just some silly
}         small business that he can't balance the books on and has
}         creditors at his door. What's this newt business? Fig Newtons,
}         maybe? That must be it, he's a grocer. This should be
}         easy enough. Zadoc! Fetch me some papyrus and a keyboard. Oh
}         drat, I've frightened him off. The things you have to do for
}         good help these days. Here we go.
}
}        "Dear Mr.Clinton. I understand how problematic your grocery
}         business must be, but I have a few words of advice for you.
}         First, you know your competitor down the street? He's getting
}         a great deal on apples. Hound him until he tells you who his
}         supplier is. Second, buy a new cash register. That abacus,
}         while beautiful and a prized possession, doesn't cut it. And
}         finally, forget about the figs - they'll all go bad eventually.
}         Sincerely, TUO."
}
}         Good, generic, and concise. Perfect.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Newt Gingrich. Preferably without the
} rest of him. Hell with that - just seperate the two and I'll be happier
} without having to see either.


797-04    (28wIg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and merciless Oracle, I have a quandary for you.  Which is
> the way to true enlightenment: dating people that I work with, joining
> "Great Expectations" (a dating service), hitting on supermarket
> checkers that are 10 years younger than I, or devoting myself to a life
> of meditation in a Buddhist monastery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the sort of question that just begs to have a table made, and
} my current incarnation, while certainly not a slave to fashion, is a
} slave to the tastes of the Oracle.  So, with no further ado, I give
} you:
}
} The Pluses and Minuses of the Paths to True Enlightenment:
}
} \\ Dating People you work with: //
}   Plus:  Companionship, both at home and at work
}   Minus:  Companionship, both at home and at work
}   Plus:  Titillating sex talk at the office
}   Minus:  Not-so-titillating office talk at home
}   Plus:  Confidence in looking over at your co-worker and knowing that
}             she/he finds you physically attractive.
}   Minus:  Coworkers looking over at you and wondering just what the
}              hell he/she sees in you.
}   TEPF (Total Enlightenment Probability Factor):  36.7%
}
} \\ Joining "Great Expectations" //
}   Plus:  You get to pick a mate like you would a car, by looking at
}             glossy pictures and studying the features of each
}   Minus:  Others are doing the same to you
}   Plus:  N/A  (sorry, Sparky, we're out of Pluses for this one)
}   Minus:  Those clowns charge you mucho dinero to join their' stinkin'
}              club
}   TEPF:  12.2%
}
} \\ Hitting on supermarket checkers 10 years younger than you //
}    Plus:  You might have the chance to teach a novice the joys of sex
}              and of pleasuring another.
}    Minus:  They'll probably have zits
}    Plus:  They can get a discount on groceries
}    Minus:  You'll get sick of their constant badgering of you with the
}               question "Paper or Plastic?"
}    Plus:  Excellent 10-Key skills
}    Minus:  Hard to fantasize about someone in a brown apron
}    TEPF:  45.05%
}
} \\ Devoting yourself to a life of meditation in a Buddhist monastery //
}   Plus:  Those cool robes
}   Minus:  No underwear and cold stone floors.  'Nuff said.
}   Plus:  You might chant yourself to a top ten single
}   Minus:  You can't make videos with hot chicks on MTV
}   Plus:  Spiritual cleansing, true vision, and a balm for your soul
}   Minus:  Very few keg parties
}   TEPF:  73.9%
}
} So we can see that, of the paths you mentioned, the Buddhist route is
} clearly the way to go.  But let me suggest one more:
}
} \\ Presenting the Oracle with good, intelligent questions such as
} these, as compared to the usual nonsense people usually send, and, more
} importantly, sending back well thought-out, creative, original, and
} humorous answers in response //
}   Plus:  You might get accepted to the OD
}   Minus:  N/A
}   Plus:  You won't get <ZOT>ted by an angry incarnation
}   Minus:  N/A
}   Plus:  A pat on the back on a job well done
}   Minus:  N/A
}   TEPF:  99.99%
}
} I think the way has been pointed.
}
} You owe the Oracle true consciousness on his deathbed, payable to the
} current incarnation, cmyers@mednet.swmed.edu.


797-05    (7mvqg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most learned, whose very sputum I am not worthy to consume,
> whose style shall be revered throughout the universe, and whom shall
> always be recognized as a spiffy dresser:
>
>  Do really good used bookstores have any effect on the Earth's
> gravitational pull?  Can you tell me where I can FIND a really good
> used bookstore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really should check the alt.fan.pratchett FAQ.  Pterry is
} creditied with the fundamental insight of information continuum
} dynamics, observing that books contain information, information is
} knowledge, knowledge is power, power is energy, energy has mass, and
} mass warps space.  Ergo (to paraphrase,) a good library is nothing but
} a genteel black hole that has learned how to read.  Cf. Pratchett's
} _Guards! Guards!_ for further information.
}
} Finding a good used bookstore is a matter of gross physical geography.
} Any location at or above 100 feet of altitude simply cannot sustain
} the species.  Hence, entires *states* of the American Midwest haven't
} a decent secondhand bookstore anywhere within their borders, while in
} San Francisco they are so numerous as to be considered minor pests.
}
} There have been some reports of artificially cultivating used
} bookstores by the simple expedient of dumping several decades worth of
} old _National Geographics_ in an empty lot and dousing with espresso,
} but the resulting force-grown shops silt up very quickly with
} "historical novels," self-help bilge, and Stephen King paperbacks.


797-06    (2cEqm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why is Yawning contagious?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It's all very simple.  In your brain, there are millions of
} subatomic particles called caffitrons.  They are generated first thing
} in the morning when you wake up (assuming you've had enough sleep) or
} when you start drinking coffee (assuming you havn't had enough sleep)
} and their purpose is to keep you awake.  Now, as your day progresses,
} some of the caffitrons begin to lose their outer energy shell and they
} turn into yawnotrons which are highly toxic.  Your body's way of
} removing these toxins from your system is through emissions of
} yawnotron radiation from that little punching bag in the back of your
} throat.  When this radiation hits another person, they absorb it and
} then their body has to get rid of it the same way yours did, until
} eventually all of the extra yawnotrons are dispersed harmlessly into
} the air.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a box of No-Doze.


797-07    (jqtl7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me if HE feels the same way I feel for him..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good try, Paul, but that would be a better song for Elton John.


797-08    (gakzl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, my friend,
> We have had a long and productive business relationship, in which I
> have posed many interesting questions, and you have generally answered
> them to my delight, and occasionally to my consternation.   In turn
> for this service that you have provided, I have grovelled with my face
> in the slime at the bottom of your dog's lizard's cage.  Indeed,
> that's where I am right now, nose-deep in the horrid stuff.
>
> Once in a while, you allow questions to be answered by incarnations
> who are hopelessly clueless.  Some of them cannot assume a persona.
> Others have a persona, but it is repulsively non grata.  They miss the
> point.
>
> I'm sure these folks desperately need help, and I'm willing to assist
> you in giving it to them.  How shall we do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh... what?


797-09    (6kAua dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me o wise and splendid oracle, why do my heart beats differently
> whenever I see him or be with him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, being around him has provoked in you an intense allergic
} reaction.  This has resulted in an irregular heartbeat, and (if I'm not
} mistaken) increased body temperature, stomach discomfort, and
} edginess.
}
} I suggest you stay as far away from him as possible, to minimize
} your risk of Sudden Cardiac Death.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-dimensional myocardial motion
} assessment.


797-10    (6kvsh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me -
> should I buy the new book by Bill Gates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you definitely should, the book is wonderfully
} informative and interesting. Granted, it is a bit of
} a pain to read in the 'wingdings' font, but they did
} promise to have the page-order bug fixed by the next
} printing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a larger bookshelf for when the
} second edition is printed.


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