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Internet Oracularities #798

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798, 798-01, 798-02, 798-03, 798-04, 798-05, 798-06, 798-07, 798-08, 798-09, 798-10


Usenet Oracularities #798    (101 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 09:02:15 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   798
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

798  101 votes vIh72 6vBj8 itvk3 dlpuc 8ggxs agoyh 7tvt5 jqodj adjqx beyrf
798   3.0 mean  2.1   2.9   2.6   3.1   3.6   3.3   3.0   2.9   3.6   3.2


798-01    (vIh72 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle thee who is wiser than daffy duck and more of a mover than
> Madonna
>
> please tell me
>
> Which are your top ten movies of all time (with reasons if possible)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Duck and Cover (I just love that 50's stuff)
} 2. Plan 9 from Outer Space (coming soon to a computer store near you)
} 3. The Jetsons meet the Flintstones
} 4. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
} 5. Return to Gilligan's Island
} 6. Deep Throat
} 7. Mary Poppins
} 8. The Tomato that Ate Cincinatti
} 9. Forbidden Planet
}
} and....
}
} 10. The Oracle does Dallas.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jay Leno.


798-02    (6vBj8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And, with a moment of pure bewilderment, the mighty Oracle spoke...
}
} Before I answer the question, I must remind you that not everyone has
} the same type of monitor that I do.  The ultra-fine resolution on my
} monitor makes it appear nice and clear, but on normal or mortal
} monitors, it just shows up as black space.  My secret message decoder
} is not for sale, either, so please don't write your message in
} invisible code next time.
}
} The answer to the question is simple.  Sure, it's possible.  If you
} were to accelerate that poor little kitten to that speed, then you
} could possibly send it into a low earth orbit.  However, a lot of
} agencies (such as the ASPCA) and people (such as myself) don't approve
} of such actions. I have several cats at home, and I love every last one
} of them.  We would insist that proper precautions would be taken.  For
} instance, providing the animal with proper equipment (such as a tiny
} little space capsule with recovery equipment and a pressure suit) would
} be a start.  Second of all, a kitten's fragile body structure would
} probably not survive such immense forces.  It would become a crushed
} and mangled mess in the bottom of your projectile's cargo bay.
}
} I suggest, as an alternative, to test this on things nobody likes
} anyway.  For instance, put an equivalent mass of Tofu or possibly even
} those Olsen twins in your projectile (heck, if you can do it, throw in
} the entire cast and crew of "Full House").  As for the method of
} acceleration, I suggest you build your own rocket.  The United States
} government, in a massive cut down in in nuclear weapons, has a large
} number of ICBMs left.  Just remove the warhead, and you're off (make
} sure the guidance is removed as well or else you'll and up somewhere
} near Moscow).  The booster should put your payload well into orbit.
}
} You owe the Oracle to report yourself to the ASPCA.


798-03    (itvk3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Non-chip enamel,
> Busom buddy through battle.
> New!  The army spork.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Multi-purpose tool,
} Bayonet for your pistol.
} Saves lots of money.
}
} As a postscriptum,
} You owe me, the Oracle,
} A Swiss army knife.


798-04    (dlpuc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please explain to me:
> why are haikus the most boring form of
> so-called poetry in existance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That not good haiku.
} Supplicant did not grovel.
} But, still, I answer:
}
} English have meter
} Japanese count syllables.
} Learn Japanese, fool.


798-05    (8ggxs dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't my wife have a penis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Not-So-Humble supplicant (where's my damn grovel? WELL?), the answer
} is rather simple:
}
} She _does_. You're just not there to give it to her.


798-06    (agoyh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Heh heh hehe.  Hey, Oracle!  Like since you, like, you know, like, lots
> of things and stuff, could you, like, set my science teacher dude on
> fire?  Hehe heh heh.  Fire!  Fire!  FIRE!  Heh heh.  That would be
> cool.  Heh heh.  Like, uh, thanks a lot.  You, like, don't suck too
> bad.  Heh heh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next exhibit: "homo non sapiens
} beavi butthedus". Most known for the short primeval grunts it makes in
} the middle of its speach, this semi-intelligent primate is most at home
} in its natural habitat of aol.com. Natural historians are of mixed
} opinions on the origin of the beavi butthedus. Some speculate that it
} branched off from the homo sapiens line in the late 20th century,
} noting that the aol.com domain in which it is most commonly found did
} not exist before then. Others suggest that there were nascient
} differences long before, but that it was not until they become
} identifiable as a distinct group that they could properly be called a
} seperate species. The beavi butthedus becomes extremely excited in the
} presence of pictures of naked humans, which is puzzling considering
} they seem to have a considerable lack of success mating. An unusual
} species, I'm sure you'll agree.
}
} Now come this way. What you see here is the remains of a zotted
} woodchuck...
}
} You owe the Oracle the remains of a zotted aol.com.


798-07    (7tvt5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       please tell me oh great one,
>
> On what day of the week was the world created?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the earth was created on its own day, back when there where
} eight days in a week (long before the Beatles came out with their
} song).  Here is the order that things in the Universe where created:
}
} Sunday - The Sun
} Earthday - The Earth
} Monday - The Moon
} Tuesday - The number 2
} Wednesday - The Future
} Thursday - Water
} Friday - Hydrogenated oils
} Saturday - Saturn and its rings
}
} You owe the Oracle dark matter.  A lot of it.


798-08    (jqodj dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         "All I wanna do" by Lisa
}
} "All I wanna do is answer you when you ask why,"
} Says the man next to me out of nowhere, apropos
} Of nothing. He says his name is Orrie but I'm sure
} He's root or biff, or an0 maybe. His .sig's plain ugly to me
} And I wonder if he's ever given a real answer in his life.
}
} We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday,
} In a computer room on the Bloomington grounds
} The good people of the world are posting questions
} On their lunch break, askmes and tellmes
} As best they can while the boss ain't in
} They send their woodchucks and null q's
} Into the queue for us to process
} Well, they're nothing like Orrie and me.
}
} Chorus:
}    All I wanna do is answer you
}    When you ask questions, I'm not the only one
}    All I wanna do is tell you why
}    Until the sun burns out over indiana-dot-e-d-u
}
} I like a good askme early in the morning
} And Orrie likes to zot the woodchucks
} And the lemurs at dawn
} Then he answers every question with an obscure reference
} To the original repressed Kama Sutra he keeps under the bed
} And he's watching the woodchucks as they wither away.
} A spam question series enters the queue dangerously close
} To one another. Orrie looks up from his terminal.
}
} Chorus
}
} Otherwise, the zots are ours, the terminals and woodchucks
} And the lemurs, too, the .sigs and passwords, the priests and little
} dogs.
}
} Chorus
} - - - - - -
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) an
} evening with Sheryl Crow.


798-09    (adjqx dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> test

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fail


798-10    (beyrf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wind blows gently across the Mojave Desert.  A tumbleweed's passage
> causes little concern to the Jack Rabbit seated solitarily upon the
> inconspicuous mound of dirt and cacti on the horizon.  The mound has
> long provided the rabbit a place from which to keep a wary eye out for
> the many predators that live on the vast plain.
>
> Suddenly, the rabbit is alert.  What was that strange vibration?  Again
> there is a disturbance from below.  The rabbit, confused, quickly takes
> flight.
>
> Slowly, the mound begins to rise, pivoting on it's westernmost edge.
> Slowly, the mound yearns to greet the sky.
> Slowly, slowly, slowly.  With great labor, a hole is revealed, covered
> by a large iron lid.  A lid that has suddenly found need to open.
>
> Deep beneath the desert, a lone supplicant-to-be is straining against
> a large lever.  The lever is pumping hydraulic fluid to the lid,
> causing it to rise.  The lid was designed to protect the antenna array
> beneath it and the sensitive electronics attached from such hazards as
> natural disaster and nuclear war.  The seal that the lid rests against
> is equipped with an explosive package that can be detonated should the
> lid become welded shut by the heat of a nuclear blast.  Little power
> remains in the storage batteries however to run a hydraulic pump, let
> alone an electronic detonator.
>
> With the lid in its full open position, the supplicant turns a valve,
> redirecting the flow of the hydraulic fluid.  The handle moves easier
> now as the antenna array weighs less than the iron lid.  Soon, a small
> cluster of technology is rudely disturbing the gentle flow of the
> desert sky-line.
>
> The room is dark.  Only the most necessary lighting illuminates the dim
> room.  The air grows stale.  This shelter of shelters is equipped with
> everything required to completely isolate it's occupants from the
> outside world, but the supplies are running low.  The supplicant has
> been nervously watching the gauges and praying that he has held out
> long enough.  With the oxygen bottles empty, the food and water gone
> and the batteries almost exhausted, the time has finally come.
>
> What has become of the world?  Is anyone left?  What evil has the
> supplicant so effectively hidden himself from?
>
> The supplicant switches on his laptop computer.  The spin-up motor on
> the hard drive causes the lights to dim ever so slightly.  A bead of
> sweat runs down the supplicant's forehead.  The email application is
> running.
>
> "Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the silver screen far
> outshines that of Siskel and Ebert, please tell me:
>
> Is the Brady Bunch Movie gone yet?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your pain and concern.  Surely it is a terrible
} thing that this vile film was ever produced.
}
} Normally, I'd use the half-life of such a hazardous product to estimate
} the quantity remaining and let you know when it's safe to emerge.
} However, this is a special case.  That movie has no half-life, for it
} had no life to begin with.  Hence, it is impossible to use that method.
}
} The easiest method, of course, is the Oracular binary-digital decision
} generator.  Let me find a coin...
}
} No, I would not advise coming out yet.  Wait another few years -- you
} don't want to be hit by a speeding particle of Bradon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a concrete wall six feet thick.


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