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Internet Oracularities #799

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799, 799-01, 799-02, 799-03, 799-04, 799-05, 799-06, 799-07, 799-08, 799-09, 799-10


Usenet Oracularities #799    (101 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Dec 1995 12:55:32 -0500 (EST)

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   799
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

799  101 votes 7uzn6 5lxnj aqtlf 5muue 7jCs9 3gysk ekvv5 ctktb bhqno 6jBmh
799   3.2 mean  2.9   3.3   3.0   3.3   3.1   3.5   2.9   3.0   3.3   3.2


799-01    (7uzn6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows the count of the sparrows in the field,
> who recalls the lyrics to every Monkeys song, whose dandruff I am
> unworthy of brushing, please tell me,
>
> Do you know any cow jokes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, one of my bovine suplicants was just teling this one:
}
} Moooo mmMuuOOu moouoo <belch>  Mo Mu  <chew, chew>  MuUu MruoumoO
}
} I apologize to any sheep out there who were offended by that bit about
} the lambskin.  No use complaining though... I know you have just as
} many jokes about the cows that you tell at the other end of the
} pasture.
}
} Before you ask... no, the regurgitation is considered to be a
} completely natural aspect of life to a cow.  It was not meant to gross
} anyone out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better digestive system.


799-02    (5lxnj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP!!  I APPEAR TO BE PREGNANT!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, alright.  Calm down.  I'll help you, but you must read this
} very carefully and do everything I tell you, OK?
}
} First, sit down at your computer.  Look down at your computer keyboard.
} See that button labeled "Caps Lock"?  I want you to take the finger of
} your choice and press it firmly, and then release.  There.  That's
} better. Good.  You're doing real good.
}
} Now, here's a quick questionaiire to determine the validity of your
} concern.  If you can truthfully answer "No" to any of these questions,
} you are NOT pregnant:
}
} 1.  Are you a sexually mature female?
} 2.  Have you had sex with a sexually mature human male?
} 3.  Was it good?  Can you send me some encoded MPEGS of it to
}     BiffStud@aol.com?  Wait.  Sorry.  You can disregard that last
}     question.  I've had too many incarnations from @AOL.com recently.
}
} Your next step is a pregnancy test:
} Go get a rabbit from the petstore.  Stick it in a cage and let it have
} plenty of exposure to you for about a week.  I can't really explain the
} intricacies of the procedure to you, but if it dies, you're pregnant.
}
} OK, so it's looking more and more like you may be pregnant.  Here's
} what you want to do, in no particular order:
}
} I.  Go out and buy a house in the suburbs, quit school/work, and look
} into leasing a "Volvo" stationwagon.
}
} II.  Start boiling sheets and ripping water into strips.  Or vice
} versa.  I forget.  This may sound premature, but trust me when I say
} you can't have enough hot, wet, torn, sheets around if you're gonna
} have a baby.
}
} III.  This is very important:  Go out right now and start researching a
} pre-pre-preschool for the little blessing to attend so that as soon as
} he pops out of you, you can have one quick look at his little purple,
} smooshed head before he's whisked off to this school.  It needs to be a
} good one, because you can't get into the best pre-preschools unless you
} have the proper background, and I don't have to tell you what that
} means.
}
} IV.  Buy a videocamera.   Tape every breathing second of the little
} tyke his first few months on Earth, but after that, simply take a
} snapshot every few years.
}
} There.  See?  Everything's going to be juuuust fine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Trojans.


799-03    (aqtlf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I here at 00:13 in the morning when I should be tucked up in
> bed, the assignment I'm typing up doesn't have to be in for another 3
> weeks and the chocolate machine is out of order??
> Why?????
>
> ps please don't *zot* me, I'm too tired

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have no fear, you look like you've been through enough.  I'm sure you
} look OK when you've had enough sleep and study time, but right now,
} *zotting* would probably be an improvement.
}
} [Thinks for a moment, smiles wisely, beams himself into the
} Supplicant's dorm room, and reassuringly pats the Supplicant's
} shoulder]
}
} You're not really here--it's just a bad dream.  Kind of like the old
} "You're taking a final exam, and you know zilch about the subject, and
} you'll be expelled if you flunk--and by the way, you're naked" dream
} that haunts you for decades after graduation.
}
} Well, in real life, you *have* graduated from college, and you're a
} successful computer wizard.  Make that *really* successful.  Actually,
} you just bought out Bill Gates, and you're worn out from all the press
} conferences and interviews with _Time_, _Newsweek_, _Wall Street
} Journal_, and _Fortune_.  That's why you're dreaming all those strange
} dreams.
}
} [Gently guides Supplicant away from computer, then tucks Supplicant and
} Supplicant's teddy bear into bed] Now you just dream yourself back into
} bed and get some rest, OK?  [Orrie hums soothing lullaby until
} Supplicant is snoring away, then beams himself back to his office.  An
} Apprentice Incarnation who has been watching the whole proceedings
} asks:]
}
} Apprentice:  Um...master?  I thought the Supplicant really *is* still
} in school...or did I miss something?
} Oracle:  You're right.  On the other hand, it *is* 00:13 in the
} morning, and the Supplicant *should* be tucked up in bed, and the
} assignment *isn't* due for another 3 weeks, and the chocolate machine
} *is* out of order.  One night of normal sleep isn't going to hurt the
} assignment...and besides, the Supplicant will assume that the Bill
} Gates thing was just a dream, and a good bizarre dream can be a
} wonderful restorative for the spirit...
}
} You owe the Oracle a hot mug of peppermint tea, since the chocolate
} machine's down.


799-04    (5muue dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <gasping for air> Orrie! I need your help! They're after me! I don't
> think they saw me sneak into this computer lab, but they could come and
> get me at any second. Please, Orrie, tell me who they are and what they
> want before they manage to fifjdksla;f
>
> Please ignore this question. There is nothing wrong, no reason to be
> alarmed. Sorry for the inconvenience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, wait a second.  YOU'RE not my supplicant.  You can't pull a fast
} one on me!  I'm the Oracle!  Now give me that supplicant back so he can
} finish his question before I Zot the he-0oe893ijlkk
}
} Never mind that last paragraph.  This is the Oracle speaking.
} I feel better now.  Muuuuch better.  Expect an answer in a day or two.
}
} All of my supplicants owe the Oracle a good night's sleep, followed by
} donations of many pods which will be given to my loyal priests, as
} presents.


799-05    (7jCs9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a rock is falling a billion miles an hour straight down, why is the
> dog still barking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, that dog happens to be Lassie.  She's _trying_ to tell
} you that Timmy needs to be rescued from the tree he's stuck in.
} Seems Timmy went bear-hunting with a slingshot again, and the bear
} didn't like it much.
}
} Furthermore, Lassie has such keen eyesight that she can see that that
} falling rock is going to score a direct hit on the tree, which is
} even more amazing considering that the rock is moving at 1.5 times
} the speed of light.  Dogs have a keen sense for that sort of thing,
} you know, by the same principle that allows them to hear frequencies
} that humans can't.
}
} Unfortunately, you couldn't figure all of that out quickly enough,
} and now there's a 10-mile deep crater where the tree, and the bear,
} and Timmy used to be.  Typical mortal.  Maybe if you'd taken just
} a little extra time for a decent grovel, I might have helped out,
} but no, you were too busy staring at the dog.
}
} Of course, Lassie isn't concerned; she doesn't have to keep watching
} out for the little brat anymore.  She just ran off at 0.75 times
} the speed of light so she'll be on time for that hot date she
} had set up with Scooby-Doo.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Scooby-Snacks.


799-06    (3gysk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy !
>
> Oh wise , allknowing oracle , please tell me: Why do I have a stunning
> disregard to the english rules of grammar ?? damm
>
>                                                 -peter

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?"
}                                 -Rex Harrison
}                                  MY FAIR LADY
}
}      "The leg, she is fracture," Tom said in broken English.
}
} The reason for your disregard is simple.  English HAS no rules, just
} vague suggestions.  Unlike the Germans, who have rules for everything,
} and the French, who, last I heard, were giving customs officials
} special training on keeping English words from being smuggled into
} their language, the English have never been able to impose a coherent
} set of rules on their tongue.  In fact, most of England's overseas
} troubles have been due to the chaotic English language.  Julius Caesar
} oversaw the Roman invasion of Britain largely because he couldn't stand
} to see a people without ablative absolutes.  The Jutes, Angles, Saxons,
} Danes, and other invaders of the early Medieval period went to war
} largely in frustration over being unable to spell anything in Celtic
} tongues (the original "British" later became the Welsh, so the
} invaders' frustration may perhaps be understood).  The Norman invasion
} of 1066 (and, in fact, the whole French-British rivalry) was motivated
} largely by the Normans' determination to force the Britains into a
} consistent pluralization scheme.  Neville Chamberlain failed to prevent
} WWII as the result of an ambiguous antecedent in his agreement with
} Hitler, and one of Ghandi's desires was that his countrymen could live
} in a nation where the word "fish" could not be spelled "ghoti" (since
} Ghandi was a vegetarian, his motivation remains obscure).  In countries
} all over the world, Englisspeakers are disliked not for their manners,
} but for their adamant refusal to make any sense.  The Oracle suggests
} for your own safety that you switch to Cantonese or Italian for
} everyday conversation.
}
} You owe the Oracle the BBC World Service.


799-07    (ekvv5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me oracle, do islands float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Japan great island
} It floats like a simile
} Inside metaphor
}
} Answer was cloudy
} Because of your non-grovel
} (Next comes the monsoon)


799-08    (ctktb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I tried to have sex with that little hole in the middle of the CD and
> now I'm stuck!!  Help!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear, you've certainly done it now, Supplicant. Luckily
} for you, I have a friend who can help you out. Just hold on
} tight, and I'll give her a call.
}
}       > Hey, Lorenna, are you busy? I've got another
}       > customer for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle..., never mind. You're already going to
} pay enough.


799-09    (bhqno dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where is my cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I warned you, Herr Schroedinger, if you went looking for your cat,
} she would start moving around.


799-10    (6jBmh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Good, with powers more full than Newt himself,
> and larger than Bill's craving for Mickey D's french fries, please
> answer my plea:
>
>         I saw a sign standing in the middle of a large open field,
>         and it read "Lots For Sale".  But I saw nothing there to
>         buy...what does it all mean?
>
>         Your humble supplicant *grovel, grovel*....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Grovel Grovel (funny name for a supplicant, but hey its the 90s):
} Indeed, there are many possible interpretations to the sign depending
} on the particular grammatical error the signmaker may have made:
}
} Lots for sale:  many things available to be purchased.  Note the sign
} doesn't have to say WHERE these things are.  It could have been
} referring to a mall down the road, or perhaps to a restaurant that had
} gone out of business.
}
} Lots for sale:  Lot may have turned to prostitution to make ends meet,
} and is now selling himself to the highest bidder on some tawdry street
} corner.
}  Note that this is strictly a misuse of the word sale--for rent would
} be more appropriate.
}
} Lots for sale:  The signmaker may have been a deranged shopper with
} lots to spend at the right sale
}
} Lots for sale:  The signmaker could have been making a political
} statement that Mr. (or Ms.) Lot is in favor of Mr. (or Ms.) Sale in the
} next election. (in which case, Newt may be in trouble. . ."Back of the
} plane, Mister!")
}
} Lots for sale: the landowner may have been proposing to subdivide his
} (or her) property and sell the sub-parcels at greatly inflated prices
} to the highest bidder.
}
} Grovel Grovel, you owe the Oracle one Happy Meal.  ONE VERRRRRRY HAPPY
}  MEAL! It better be dancing and singing its so darned happy.


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