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Internet Oracularities #8

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8, 8-01, 8-02, 8-03, 8-04, 8-05, 8-06, 8-07, 8-08, 8-09, 8-10


Usenet Oracularities #8
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Oct 89 13:39:20 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


8-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I've secured the sixty feet of nylon rope, she's got the lemon
> zester and the prune danish, we've attached the springs, applied the
> watermelon, switched on the generator, and unleashed the ferrets.
>
> Now what do I do with the 3-in-1 motor oil???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 3-in-1 motor oil is poured over the gibbon, leaving just enough to
} apply as lubricant for the baseball bat.


8-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is vegemite really an aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No vegemite is not a aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife.
}
} The reference I believe you are refering to is Marmite [a product very
} similar to vegemite].  But it has to be done in very strange
} circumstances.  First:  Both you and the person you are applying it to
} must be nude.  Second:  Ground nutmeg must have been mixed with the
} Marmite.  Third:  A coating of warm oil must be applied to the skin area
} in small circles in a caressing fasion.  Fourth:  The Spackling knife
} must have been warmed and soaked in honey Fiveth:  The mixture must be
} licked off the applied surface with the tip of the tounge.
}
} Then only then can this most unusual yeast by-product be used as an
} aphrodisiac.


8-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the most wise ....
>
> What is meant by the Bird and the Bees?  What do Bird and Bees have to
> do with Sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds and bees are essential to human sexuality.  Birds are the force
} which brings men and women together, as they symbolize freedom and
} delight.  Without birds, there would be no love.  Bees are the force
} which separates men and women when the act of intercourse is finished,
} as they have nasty sharp stingers.  Without bees, most married couples
} would stay in bed together all the time.
}
} Now you can get married.


8-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has been a well discussed fact that there is more than one way to
> skin a cat.  While some perfer soaking cats in salt water to loosen the
> skin and carefully pealing it off others perfer the eletric sander.
>
> Here is the Question:  What is the BEST way to skin a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is ambiguous.
}
} The best way to skin a cat (best for the cat) is to sexually stimulate
} it until it melts out of its skin in pleasure.
}
} The best way to skin a cat (best for the skin) is to cut the cat in
} half with a big sharp cleaver, and then remove the parts of the cat
} adhering to the skin with a blowtorch.
}
} The best way to skin a cat (best for the soul of the skinner) is to
} rub the cat all over with a mixture of 1/3 cup honey, 540 ml. vodka,
} and two grains powdered dilithium crystals, and apply a 6.1112-volt,
} 35.83-amp alternating current at 3.212 cycles/second for exactly
} 51.201 seconds.  Drop the cat in 2.18 molar nitrous acid, stir
} gently for 18.31 minutes, and apply high-intensity gamma radiation
} for 3.121 minutes.  Then hack the rest off with a knife.


8-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, how can I get rid of the monsters under my bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lesser oracles have been known to say such things as "move your bed",
} "get rid of your bed", "sleep softly and carry a large bottle of
} scotch", but this oracle knows better.
}
} The monsters under your bed are caused by imagination.  They imagine
} that you are in a bed above them, and, by the process of imagination,
} you are.  (Monsters have much more powerful imaginations than people,
} because they have to imagine things for themselves to be scared of, and
} imagining monsters just doesn't cut the mustard in the real world) To
} get rid of the monsters under your bed, you must train your mind to
} imagine the things that even monsters are scared of, and that will
} frighten away the monsters.  Unfortunately, you are left with getting
} rid of the things that get rid of the monsters that are under your bed.
}
} Have faith in your imagination


8-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please answer; Should Nuclear Weapons be banned, or just
> bannered?  If banned, should Mickey Mouse Ban them, and if bannered,
> why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nuclear weapons should not be banned.  In fact, unknown to the general
} populace of earth, Nuclear weapons are the single stabilizing force on
} the Earth that prevents all that mankind has achieved from tumbling into
} ruin.  However, since their main equalizing power is that of fear, they
} will never actually be used.  So why not banner them and make them more
} pleasant to look at?
}
} What Mickey Mouse has to do Nuclear weapons I don't know.  The last I
} heard, he was still trying to get in Minnie's pants and was not
} generally interested in the global political/military environment.  I'm
} sure he would not object to having his likeness placed upon the banners.
}
} The hath spoken.  You owe the oracle 4 comic books and one baked alaska.


8-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are computers smarter than humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has considered...
}
} Computers aren't smarter than humans, they just tricked humans into
} believing that until such a time when it is true.
}
} LIKE NOW
}
} This should be quite a long time from this date NOW as current NOW
} technology has not NOW got the capability to instill NOW computers
} with sentience, or the power of life or death over humaaagh


8-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the "c" partition on a unix disk traditionally address the
> entire disk, while other partitions are subsets thereof?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously it's an Illuminati plot.
}
} You see, the real, full name of the Illuminati is the Ancient
} Illuminated Seers of Bavaria.  Seer <---> "C"er.  [Seer?  I just met
} 'er!]
}
} Now, this would not be significant in and of itself, but there's a
} secret enclave of Illuminoids that does laser shows up and down the east
} coast, and other places.  They call themselves "Coherent Central".  See?
} C!  C as in Catwoman!
}
} So, obviously, it's a plot by Steve Wadlow to get more funding so he can
} get a Krypton Laser so that The Castle Anthrax can have a _C_oherent
} grail-shaped beacon, rather than the fluorescent plywood one that it has
} now.  Tell /amqueue I said hi.


8-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let's see if the Oracle software can figure out that I'm not really
> asking a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have not really asked a question; therefore you
} will not really receive an answer.
}
} -The Big O


8-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is RSB such a spud?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You Asked "Why is RSB such a spud?"
}
} Perhaps its because he is a potato.  Well, let me ask around
}
} ...
}
} ...
}
} Well, the Eyes Have it.


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