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Internet Oracularities #80

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Usenet Oracularities #80
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Dec 89 16:34:43 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


80-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a set which cannot contain itself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the set is catalogue item number MC-024481-S from Tupperware, the
} "Stacking Klein Bottle Measuring Cup Set of 5"
}
} You owe the Oracle a recipe for instant pudding.


80-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the International Date Line?  Can I get a date there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Funny you should mention it!  I met Lisa at the International
} Date Line.  The IDL is the Mensa of dating services.  As the name
} indicates, it _is_ international, and you won't even get past the
} receptionist if you don't speak at least three romance languages.
}         The way it works is, you dial 011-991-976-5555, and you get
} connected to the receptionist, who will administer a test to see if
} you're eligible to join.  If you pass the test, you'll receive another
} number to call, where you'll be able to talk to nine other lucky
} members, and arrange dates with your ideal dreamboat.
}         As for your chances, well...  you *are* a computer geek, so
} you're not very likely to be able to get in.  As I said, this is a very
} exclusive club.  Just to give you an idea, here are some of the
} questions on the entrance exam:
}
}         - How many fully-functional sets of genitalia do you own?
}         - Do members of the opposite sex faint upon crossing you in the
}           street?
}         - Does your personal magnetism disrupt radio stations?
}         - ...  In Asia?
}         - Est-ce que vous parlez au moins trois langages romantiques?
}         - Can you sweet-talk a member of the opposite sex?
}         - ...  in French?
}         - ...  in German?
}         - ...  in Turkish?
}         - Can you give a quantum-level description of the themes of
}           Harold Pinter's major plays?
}         - Are you a member of a pantheon?  If so, which?
}           ( ) Norse
}           ( ) Roman
}           ( ) Greek
}           ( ) Cthulhu-mythos (automatic rejection)
}           ( ) Other (please specify)
}         - Does a muumuu look alluring on you?
}         - Can you satisfy Lisa?
}         - ...  twice in a row?
}
}         That last question, of course, is the killer, usually.
} Nonetheless, you should give it a try.  If you succeed, welcome to the
} club, and Lisa and I will be talking to you again.  If not, then it'll
} at least give us a few laughs.
}
}         You owe the Oracle a centerfold of Aphrodite.


80-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What task should I be willing to perform in exchange for 2 baked
> potatoes with cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Neitzche's thesis 'Der Philosophie und Studieren von Potaten mit
} Kase' (Philosophy and study of potatoes with cheese) he stated the now
} famous "Cheese is dead".  He was an advocate of either fried potatoes or
} baked potatoes with butter and chives.
}
} Karl Marx picked up on this concept in one of his more obscure works,
} 'Der Potaten Staaten' (The potato state).  In a rambling thesis of
} potatoes he hypothesized that the baked potato with cheese was an
} inferior state of potato and that the consumers would evolve to the
} Utopian baked potato with butter, sour cream, and bacos.  He called for
} the people to lift their cutlery high as a form of solidarity and unite
} against the Baked potato with cheese (the opiate of the dinner plate).
} and exclaimed "Potato eaters of the world, UNITE!"
}
} In theory it sounded good.  The revolution that Marx spoke of came but
} the Utopian potato was not a reality.  Cheese lovers were cast out of
} society and oppressed for the sake of the baco potato.  Indeed the baked
} potato with butter, sour cream and bacos became the only approved potato
} and all other potatoes were needlessly scrapped of the plate and into
} the garbage.
}
} Discontent followed.  Several revolutions to bring a more liberal view
} towards potatoes and cheese failed only to be mashed and mixed w/ milk
} and butter.  A cloud hung over those who drudgingly accepted their baked
} potato with butter, sour cream and bacos.  Workers became lazy,
} alchoholism rose, productivity fell and the economy suffered.
}
} Recently a great leader, Mikheal Potatochef, saw that it was time for a
} change.  He wanted to give Potatoes a human face.  Mr.  potato head
} became the rage and the inspiration to a generation.
}
} Slowly the people began to test this new openness.  Baked potatoes were
} eaten without sour cream or bacos.  At first there was resistance but
} mass demonstra- tions of baked potato and cheese eaters forced the
} government to concede.  Victory was won.
}
} The people risked their very lives and freedom for the potato they
} wanted.  Surely you would be able to do the same, or at least say
} please.


80-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when a couple breaks up, the men suffer for so long,
> but his female partner recovers quickly, and seems to forget the
> relationship ever happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The female partners do not recover quickly, nor do they forget about the
} relationship.
}
} It is simply that men are too dense to notice that the females are
} upset.
}
} Men show their suffering by doing the following:
}
} moping around in old clothes with the guys and bitching about their ex
} drinking a lot with the guys and bitching about their ex watching
} football and bitching about their ex
}
} Women show their suffering by doing the following:
}
} crying a lot
} eating a lot
} going to support groups
}
} The men don't understand any of what the women do, so they think nothing
} of it.
}
} The Oracle requires you to take an anti-sexism awareness class.


80-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many years ago, a farmer had a bull.  He lost it.  Do you know where it
> is?
>
> Let's settle the question taht's been on people's minds for a LONg time.
> What is the connection between Dan Quayle and the quail bird.  My cousin
> says there is clear proof of kinship.  Pray clarify.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir:
}
}         This is the Oracle's personal secretary.  We regret to inform
} you, that the Oracle cannot answer your questions at the moment, due to
} the fact that it is currently screaming in anguish, because yet another
} stupid reader has attempted to sneak in more than one question per
} mailing.  The Oracle will most likely be unable to answer questions for
} the rest of the day.  This means that the back up of questions the
} Oracle must answer will get higher, thus depriving more people of the
} great wisdom of the Oracle.  Not only that, but the hold up in
} processing of questions is going to cost the company, Oracle Inc., many
} millions of dollars in lost funds, due to the delays in handling the
} questioning requests.
}
}         Please find enclosed a bill for the sum total of $1,345,678.92,
} which is what the effective cost of your little maneuver has been
} calculated to be.  Payment is due yesterday, and failure to remit
} payment by the payment deadline, shall result in a law suit of epic
} proportions, one which I feel, you are not prepared to handle.  Thank
} you for your consideration, and I hope we can settle this little matter
} on our own.
}
}                                                 Sincerely Yours,
}
}                                                 Erma J.  Hornswiggle.


80-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people even in the state of Indiana, the state that put Dan
> Quayle in the Senate, suddenly distrust him so much in the position of
> Vice President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not ordinarilly stoop to answer political questions.  In
} the case of Dan Quayle questions, the Oracle must not only stoop, but
} burrow into the ground several stories and descend through a veritable
} mire.
}
} [blech -- there's a lot of mud here.  Yuk!]
}
} Okay, now that the Oracle has sullied its most Wise and Infallible self
} by tramping through the swamp of politics, your question can be
} answered.
}
} Nations always receive the leaders they deserve, especially when they
} pretend to elect them by popular assent.  Indiana needed to be reminded
} of the dangers of electing fools to positions of power, and so they
} elected Dan Quayle their Senator.  When Senator Quayle's antics proved
} to be insufficient to remind the Hoosiers of the dangers of complacency
} in the electoral process, Quayle became elevated to the Vice Presidency.
} Only the spector of this lamebrain being a heartbeat away from the
} world's most powerful job could awake Indiana's sleeping electorate from
} their self-induced trance.  When they (and the rest of the country)
} notice what they have wrought, Dan Quayle will be kidnapped by the
} Columbian drug cartel and the nation will tell them to hang onto him for
} awhile.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bath and a new white robe.


80-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I always get a hard-on when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little known fact that Bugs Bunny cartoons are filled with deep
} psycho-sexual imagery.  The Road Runner is always going into deep dark
} tunnels where the Coyote can not follow.  Bugs Bunny is always being
} hunted with long, black, hard guns.  I could go on endlessly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.


80-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I keep saying everything twice?  And why do I keep saying
> everything twice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Doublemint gum IS pure chewing satisfaction.


80-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you give me the number PI with an accuracy of 10000 digits ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho, humm...  such a menial and boring task you ask of me, since I know
} it to an infinite number of digits.  Here is your request, mortal.  NO,
} THIS IS NOT MERELY A SET OF RANDOM NUMBERS, and how dare you challenge
} my awesome power with even the slightest thought of doubt in your mind!
} Let there be a bolt of lightning!
}
}                       /     /
}                      /     /
}                      ~~    ~~
}                       /     /
}                      /     /
}                      ~~    ~~
}                       /   /
}                      /   /
}                      ~~  ~~
}                       / /
}                      //
}                     /
}                    *
} ==================================================
}
} The oracle has spoken, and sends you your request.  Now leave me alone,
} or send a more interesting question.  Such fabulous intelligence as mine
} should not be annoyed by such petty, annoying requests.  I am tempted to
} taunt you a la Monty Python, peasant!  Not even the Supreme Being
} matches my brainpow--
}
} >> Message from GOD on console...
}
} >> Just what do you think you're doing?
}
} Sorry, sir, I got carried away.
}
} >> Let it not happen again.
}
} Right.
}
} I have been subdued for now, but beware.  I am commanded to give you the
} data you requested, so here it is.
}
} You owe the oracle your first sports car.
}
} 3.14159265358979323846264338 ...  [all 10000 digits included, no
} kidding, edited out for posting -- SK] ...  60010165525637568
}
} So there.


80-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, you must help keyboard.
>
> Why is it that every sentence I start ends with a word totally unrelated
> to the rest of the cucumber?  It happens everywhere I window.  It's
> starting to drive me Jupiter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle must respond, even though the dog is restart.  You see,
} one day, you were sitting at shoe, working on groundhog, and your mother
} slipped on banana, falling into the abyss.  This had a permanent effect
} on your young physche, causing you to wet-your-bed-at
} -all-times-even-awake-and-shirt.  You see, radish, it can be summarized
} as follows:
} Yes, said the elephant to the orange, The day *is* darker with the sun.
}
}   Basically, you are freshed.
}
} You owe the Oracle whatever the hell you were seeing, as I can't hear
} you.


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