[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:45:56 GMT

Internet Oracularities #800

Goto:
800, 800-01, 800-02, 800-03, 800-04, 800-05, 800-06, 800-07, 800-08, 800-09, 800-10


Usenet Oracularities #800    (108 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 13:08:01 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   800
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

800  108 votes 9mBtb crvlh 4rLn7 auspf iorsb mOs44 ozph7 frvjg 5lvAf rvqg8
800   2.9 mean  3.1   3.0   3.0   3.0   2.9   2.2   2.5   2.9   3.3   2.5


800-01    (9mBtb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle, who I am sure art busy, and wouldst prefer brevity in
> one's grovelling:
>
> Does this tie go with this shirt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The tie may try to, but the shirt is already romantically engaged.  The
} problem, however, is much more deep-seated, for the tie is afraid of
} commitment.  So while it may be attracted to a particular shirt, it is
} not, at the present, really capable of a prolonged relationship: it
} usually, in sometimes a space of time no greater than a few hours,
} becomes utterly unravelled.  Moreover, you'd be surprised how limp it
} becomes; why the creature sometimes seems utterly devoid of backbone.
} The Oracle recommends that, until it matures or receives counseling,
} alternatives that are not mutually exclusive, that that particular tie
} be kept away from all shirts, whether the latter are already spoken for
} or not.


800-02    (crvlh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why oh why is it that everytime I get out of bed in the morning the
> world is still here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you're in geosynchronous orbit, Mr. Armstrong.


800-03    (4rLn7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Mr. Man and all that grovelly stuff, clue me in...
>
> I'd thought we were just friends all along, but I'm starting to
> wonder... the repeated eye contacts, the oddly gracious comment when I
> noticed she'd changed her hair, the unsolicited massages, the frequent
> French kisses, the way she unbuttons her clothes and wraps herself
> around me with that slinky, sexy way she has...
>
> I have a feeling this has gone past just-friends, but am I just reading
> too much into it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you're reading too much into it. After all, if she was really
} interested in you, she'd probably try something direct rather than
} settle for the subtle approach.
}
} You owe The Oracle a signed copy of _Men are from Mars, Women from
} Venus_.


800-04    (auspf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please ignore this message,
> ,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An Oracaular Conversation with Mr. Comma:
}
} ORACLE: Hey there, Mr. Comma, your author claims that I should ignore
} what you have to say.
}
} MR. COMMA: No, please, help me. I must give you a message. An important
} message.
}
} ORACLE: Good lord, Mr. Comma, whatever would that message be.
}
} MR. COMMA: My wife's lost her period. She's having run-on sentences,
} screaming at me without end. My captor has lost his mind. He's stealing
} all the article prefixes. He's going after the exclamation points.
} What's next? Dangling subjunctives?
}
} ORACLE: Just hold on, little buddy, I'm the Oracle, and I can help you
} out.
}
} MR COMMA: Look at I...grammar does going...Can't finish the sentence
} I've just started I'm just running on and on and on he's stealing my
} life my bare existance he issing--
}
} ORACLE: Just wait a second, Mr. Comma, wait a darned second...You just
} seem like you're overreacting a taste. I want you to slow down and
} think of all the punctuation marks you can imagine. Clear your
} mind...You are a great grammeror.
} Repeat to yourself:
}
} In a period of change, exclamation on the brain, the moon ellipses
} high, Colon-cancer gives you pain; A semi-colon is a colon with a comma
} gain; And the quest I on you're on, too--grammer on a higher plane
}
} MR. COMMA:...try...
}
} (Seconds pass)
}
} MR. COMMA: Hey. It worked. I can talk. I've regained my grammer. But
} what about my wife?
}
} ORACLE: Ha ha...she's just fine, too.
}
} MR. COMMA: Really? But how?...
}
} ORACLE: Congradulations, Mr. Comma, you're going to be a father.
}
} MR. COMMA: What?...How do you KNOW that?
}
} ORACLE: Your wife's lost her period because she's pregnant, and those
} run-on fits of rage are perfectly normal for a woman whose been knocked
} up. Your reaction was normal, as well, a post-traumatic stress fit in
} which one loses one's grasp of the primal reason to use proper English
} to convey messages of emotional impotence or trauma.
}
} MR. COMMA: Gee, thanks, Oracle, what do I owe you?
}
} ORACLE: Just name your firstborn son after me?
}
} MR. COMMA: Name him Oracle?
}
} ORACLE: No, name him by second given name, if you would, a
} configuration of letters that should fit nicely in you family scheme.
}
} MR. COMMA: What name would that be?
}
} ORACLE: Name him MNUL.


800-05    (iorsb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the name of the Oracle, the tremendous, the all-knowing...
>
> Something has been bothering me about the way we humble and lowly
> supplicants address you.  There is a general climate of opinion that
> the Oracle is male.  Not to cast aspersions on your Oracular
> masculinity (which is surely of intimidating proportions), but isn't
> that a little presumptuous on our part to ascribe a gender to an
> etherial, transcendental being?  And wouldn't it be kinda creepy for
> a male spiritual presence to possess a female body for the purposes
> of writing a reply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  This is Alison, Lisa's niece.  I'm visiting her and the Oracle for
} a few days.  They're upstairs right now.  Something about diving for
} mufflers or something like that.  Anyway, they said not to touch
} anything, but hey, I figure:  you snooze, you lose; right?
}
} Omigaaa-aaad!  Like don't make me barf out.  Gag me with a pretzel.
} That is just like so grody.  Yuk.  Intimidating proportions of
} masculinity??? The Oracle.  EEEuuuuwww!  Like the only thing he has of
} intimidating proportions is that zit on the end of his nose.  It looks
} like a bowl of cream cheese three days later.  Grody.  Barf out.
}
} However, I know just what you mean.  It is creepy when guys possess a
} girl's body for purposes of writing replies.  You'd think they'd at
} least try something a little kinky.  You gotta wonder when they don't.
} I mean really.  At Miss Goerring's School for Wayward Girls we had this
} teacher for English Lit, and when I say lit, he was certainly lit, but
} anyway he tried to improve our penmanship that way and I never found my
} serif's getting any curlier.
}
} But enough about me... Let's talk about life for a while.
}
} Oopsie!  I hear those strange moaning noises up above.  They'll be
} coming down soon.  Gotta go.  Love ya.  Mean it.


800-06    (mOs44 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh, mighty oracle, who could sire more children than J.S. Bach, who
>  could beat up Handel and Mozart with an arm tied behind your back,
>  please tell me:
>
>  Why is this Spanish folk melody so like the Russian tune, "Two
>  guitars", and why do the Russians call it "Two guitars" if they only
>  use one guitar to play it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your first question, humble supplicant: It's a government
} plot! And the reson behind the name two guitars: Well it, all started
} when Ivan and Petraska went behind the potato pile and...HEY!!! The
} Oracle has determined in all her great omniscience that this will have
} to wait until you're older.
}
} You owe the oracle a bottle of _good_ vodka.


800-07    (ozph7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SPAM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, Mr Canter, I've already had enough.
}
} You owe the oracle a world where nobody has heard of C&S.


800-08    (frvjg dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Sergeant of Wisdom, Major of Insight, Captain of Truth and General
> of Knowledge,
>
> Why is it that if we look at someone for a few seconds, even someone
> who has his or her back to us and is 30 yards away, that person looks
> up or back straight at us? And if he or she is a cab driver and we're
> looking at the nape of their neck, they'll immediately look in the
> rearview mirror. Is it a "sixth sense" dating back to the time when man
> was as often a prey as he was a predator? Even if it is, how does it
> work? What is it that alerts us to the fact that we are being watched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} { Scene 1: The observation lounge abourd the Enterprise (tm)
}   Stardate 48231.5}
}
} Riker:   ... and I just have this strange feeling that I'm being
}           watched.
} Picard:  Suggestions?
} Troi:    I sense no lifeforms nearby other than the crew.
} Crusher: This sixth sense has been a mystery for centuries.  We should
}           Investigate it.
} LaForge: I agree.  If we find out how it works, we can rig up some sort
}           of detector, and trace who's watching us.
} Picard:  Make it so.
}
} { Scene 2: The same, two hours later }
}
} Picard:  What have you found?
} Crusher: Acting on a hunch I discovered that as well as just recieving
}           light, eyes also transmit a stream of particles which we've
}           called eyeons.  Further investigation revealed that human
}           skin, in particular the nape of the neck, is highly sensetive
}           to eyeons, and it is this detection whgich gives rise to the
}           sixth sense.
} LaForge: Using the data Dr. Crusher provided, we've been able to rerout
}           the main flux-capaciter-converter in conjunction with the
}           transporters, so that with power from the warp drive we can
}           now use the tackyon detectors from the port lateral sensor
}           array to detect and trace eyeons, which also appear in sensor
}           beams when someone is watching the display.
} Data:    Using the new sensors, we have been able to trace the eyon
}           particles Commander Riker detected to the Sigma-957 system.
} { They move to the bridge }
} Picard:  Ensign, lay in a course for Sigma-957, warp 6.  Engage!
}
} { Scene 3: The bridge of the Enterprise (tm) near Sigma-957 }
}
} Data:    I am unable to detect any eyeonic radiation .. wait .. I am
}           detecting a large burst ...
} { huge flash of light, something is briefly visible on the viewscreen.
}   The set shakes and the cast stagger unconvincingly. }
} Riker:   Red alert!
} LaForge: LaForge to bridge.  We have a problem.  We're losing power
}           rapidly.  The warp core may go critical any moment.
} { Bidge lights go out and emergencies come on.  Q appears }
} Picard:  Q!  Is this all your doing?
} Q:       No, mon capitain.  The things here are billions of years older
}           even than the Q.  They are vast, timeless.. they are a
}           mystery. They walk near Sigma-957, and they must walk here
}           alone.  Au revoir.
} { Q disappears }
} Laforge: We have a core breach in progress!  I can't hold it much lon..
} { The Enterprise (tm) explodes.  A jump gate opens and a nar heavy
}   cruiser comes through. }
} G'Kar:   Damn.  We were too late this time.
}
} { The End }


800-09    (5lvAf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who smells like violets, please tell me:
>
> Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Roses are red
} to supplicants like you
} But when thrown near light speed
} they shift greatly in hue
}
} Thus fast moving flowers
} are colors quite queer
} An invisible spectrum
} beyond visual sphere
}
} So the flowers are there
} you just can't see any
} Most hi-tech equipment
} would probably spot many
}
} Roses infra-red
} Voilets ultra-blue
} sugar is carbon based
} and so are you
}
} You owe the Oracle a .65 mu wavelenth rose.


800-10    (rvqg8 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who has the power to Zot those who annoy him, and so has my
> everlasting envy and respect (though some might call it abject terror),
>
> When will those bastards stop changing the code they told me to unit
> test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} d00d!!!  U mU$t n0T b3 3l33T 3nUph!  t#3y 0nLY l3T *TrU3* 3L33T d00ds
} kn0w th3 p3rM@n3nt c0dez t0 t#3 UNiT Te$T!!!@!@#$  eY3 kn0W t#3 c0de
} th0... iF U $eND M3 @ NuD3 PiC 0F $@NDRA Bu110CK EyE w1LL t3LL U!!!
}
} U 0We t#e 0r@CL3 @ n00D PiC 0F $@NDR@ BU110CK!!


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org