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Internet Oracularities #801

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801, 801-01, 801-02, 801-03, 801-04, 801-05, 801-06, 801-07, 801-08, 801-09, 801-10


Usenet Oracularities #801    (96 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 18:13:59 -0500 (EST)

@@@                             HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
@@@
@@@ This'll be the last Oracularities digest until after December 25 since
@@@ your editor will be off the net until then.  In the meantime, keep
@@@ writing those Oracularities -- we'll catch up on publishing the best
@@@ of them after Christmas.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   801
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

801   96 votes mksdd gpufa 8ozn6 8jAs5 7fCqa 5iuml arole finlj 9nopf myle5
801   3.0 mean  2.7   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.1   2.4


801-01    (mksdd dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!! AHH!  OH MY GOD! NO!  PLEASE STOP IT! I"LL DO ANYTNING!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} {The Oracle enters the dungeon, wearing a black studded leather
} jock-strap, and a large pair of comedy breasts.  He is carrying a large
} whip. The supplicant, a well known figure in the computer industry, is
} chained to a wall.  Rats scurry across the floor.  The moans and groans
} of the damned can be heard echoing throughout the corridors.  }
}
} You know Bill, I could just ZOT! you, but this punishment is so much
} more interesting, dont you think?
}
} You owe the Oracle an industrial-size drum of vaseline.


801-02    (gpufa dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mystical, misty Oracle, so like a cat anaesthetized upon a table,
> if tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's a rooster, son, a rooster.
}
} You owe the oracle an interpretive dance about the life of Pepe le Pew.


801-03    (8ozn6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh why, is my tie in my fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tie, a fly, a why, he cries.
} So much for the soup, so much for the crackers
} And he was hoping for all sorts of cash from his backers
} And the cash people walk off, thinking he's a whacker
} Leaving his firewall wide open to hackers
} When all that he did was miss when he zipped
} After he'd gone in, done his duty and dripped
} And got it stuck, walked out the door and tripped
} And trying to explain, couldn't talk well and slipped
} And now he has to pay for the flak
} Because his boss thought he would crack
} And the money people threw him off track
} All because his tie got stuck
} And he had such miserable luck
} Now all he can say is what the...
}
} What the...
}
} Uhhh...
}
} You owe the oracle an appropriate rhyme for "tie".


801-04    (8jAs5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom I require:
>
> Well, the war has been a long and bloody one, but thanks to General
> Grant, I can say that the hostilities are near their conclusions.  I
> have preserved the Union and managed to free the slaves.  There is much
> work to do, however, we must mend the tears that have ripped the fabric
> of our great nation.  But I do feel I deserve this one night off and so
> I ask you:
>
> Should I go to Ford's Theater with my wife to see _Our American
> Cousin_, or should I just stay home and watch _Apollo 13_ on
> pay-per-view?
>
>                                     Pres. Abraham Lincoln

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. President,
}
} I recommend Live Theatre for you tonight... Apollo 13's ok, about three
} men stuck in a cold little box surrounded by darkness. American Cousin
} on the other hand...well, I don't want to spoil it for you, other than
} to day the box will have only one occupant, but rest assured the show
} ends with a bang.
}
} (sotto voce: for *you* anyway - that'll teach you to grovel)
}
} You owe the Oracle some of that honesty for which you're so famous.


801-05    (7fCqa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows when I am sleeping and when I am awake...
>
> My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other since the beginning
> of October. She's been very nice. She's also been very naughty, if
> you know what I mean. What do I get her for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle's Top Ten List for Very Nice and Very Naughty
}    Girlfriends: (NOTE:  The Oracle believes firmly in encouraging
}    naughtyness in the very nice)
}
} 10 - Because it's been so rare lately, a complete night's sleep.
}      What you do in the morning, of course, is up to your imagination,
}      and stamina.
}
} 9 - To show her you've been paying attention, something of sugar and
}     spice and everything nice.
}
} 8 - A pound of hugs.  And two pounds of kisses.  (Let me know if you
}     need any helpful hints of where to apply these, though there will
}     be an additional charge for the additional advice)
}
} 7 - Satin and silk to enhance the niceness, and emphasize the
}     naughtyness.
}
} 6 - Leather and lace, see previous.
}
} 5 - A spanking for being naughty, and a full body massage for being so
}     nice.
}
} 4 - A moment of extreme happiness for each week you have known each
}     other, paying attention only to her.
}
} 3 - An evening of soft music, spent not sleeping before a lit
}     fireplace, an excellent bottle of wine, and a tasteful meal eaten
}     without utensils. Without rolling over and going to sleep
}     immediately afterwards.
}
} 2 - A week's complete obedience.
}
} 1 - A consistent set of rules for determining which behavior is naughty
}     and which is nice.  And a day's application, with care to the
}     proper and appropriate correction and reward for her following
}     them.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 new ideas for what to give Lisa for Christmas,
} appropriate for the duration of relationship, and level of Oracular
} giving.


801-06    (5iuml dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my server hung?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Allow me to refresh your memory.  Think back to that fateful night...
}
} [CUE flashback F/X]
}
} TED:  Good evening, and welcome to Denny's.  My name's Ted and
}       I'll be your server this evening.  Can I start you off
}       with some drinks or an appitizer?
}
} SUPPLICANT:  Just a black coffee, please.
}
} TED:  All right, I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order.
}
} ORACLE: [voiceover]  It seemed like a perfectly normal evening...There
}         wasn't the slightest indication that some of the staff at
}         your favorite restaurant was trying to kill you...
}
} TED:  Are you ready to order?  Do you need a few more more minutes?
}
} SUPPLICANT:  I'll have the Chicken Fried Steak with green beans.
}
} TED:  That'll be out in just a few minutes.  Oh, here's your...coffee.
}
} [F/X dramatic chord]
}
} SUPPLICANT:  Thank you.
}
} [SUPPLICANT starts to take a drink, but a drop of 'coffee' sloshes out
} of the cup and begins to violently eat through the table]
}
} SUPPLICANT:  [loud] ...the Hell?  What is this?  What are tying to do,
}              kill me?
}
} [TED appears extremely agitated, he starts to respond to the question
} but then makes a sudden break for the exit]
}
} SUPPLICANT:  Stop that man!
}
} [Two POLICE OFFICERS, who have been enjoying their danishes at a table
} near the cash register, wrestle TED to the ground and take him into
} custody]
}
} TED:  I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you kids
}       and that dog!
}
} BYSTANDER:  Check, please.
}
} [F/X dissolve to...]
}
} ORACLE:  Do you remember now, supplicant?  How Ted and James (the short
}          order cook) tried to murder you so that they would be able to
}          move into your rent-controlled apartment?  Do you remember the
}          trial, where James plea-bargained his way down to a life
}          sentence and Ted was given the death penalty?  That is why
}          your server was hung!
}
} You owe the Oracle the movie rights.


801-07    (arole dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerful Oracle,
>
> Will my brother get better jokes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only way your brother will get better jokes is if you take
} it upon yourself to teach him some new ones.  Might I suggest
} the following:
}
} "Knock, Knock"
} "Who's there?"
} "Interrupting Cow"
} "Interruptin......"
} "MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
}
} You owe the Orac..... MOOOOOOOO!  (hey! stop that!)


801-08    (finlj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj.CS.McGill.CA (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Whose Knowledge Surpasses All Lines of Gender, Race, and
> Sexual Orientation...
>
> I belong to a lesbian group in a small town. We would like to increase
> membership and let others know we are out there who might need support.
> At the same time, we'd like to be discreet and keep everyone's privacy
> intact. We've discussed the idea of business cards, flyers, and ads in
> gay/lesbian/bi publications. What do you think would be good ways to
> promote the group and keep our confidentiality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's easy. All you have to do to double your possible membership is let
} men join. However, as this is a Lesbian group there may be some slight
} teething problems with your new male members (of a different sort to
} those experienced by recent female -> male sex changes I should add).
}
} I don't know if you're familiar with 'self-help' books for heterosexual
} females, but they rely on the first principle of dealing with men. 'All
} men can be dealt with if you can identify them as one of a small number
} of basic types and apply complex and lengthy methods specific to that
} type.'
}
} Ahem, the types of men you are likely to have join your group are:
}
} (1) The 'One Good Man And They're Cured' Type. AKA Macho Knuckleheads.
}
} Macho Knuckleheads will immediately be a big problem, and will start
} pawing and attempting to 'turn' the female members of your club 'onto'
} the supposed 'joys' of true masculinity. Of course, as we all know, any
} women experiences overwhelming animal lust on seeing a true man scratch
} his armpit through a hole in his shirt. Any woman who can resist that
} will of course be bowled over by method number two, scratching the
} crotch through a hole in the jeans accompanied by suggestive pelvic
} thrusting.
}
} In the unlikely event of Macho Knuckleheads being the only male members
} to join your club, you should arrange the seating plan as follows;
} (i) Macho Knuckleheads, (ii) Black Belts, (iii) Brown Belts, and so on.
}
} Macho Knuckleheads can be noisy, from a variety of orifices, but can be
} kept quiet for hours with simple toys such as a piece of paper with
} 'please turn over' written on both sides.
}
} (2) The 'I'm Really Aware Of Lesbian Issues And Feel That Removing The
} Sexual Question From Male-Female Relationships Can Lead To True
} Friendships That I Can't Experience With Men Or Heterosexual Women'.
} AKA Wimps.
}
} Wimps would like to join a Lesbian club to allow them the image that
} they're talking to and relating to real women without the frightening
} possibility of actual intimate physical contact, like holding hands.
}
} Should you only have Wimps attending then simply get your most butch
} member to blow in their ears. Scorch marks on the carpet can be removed
} with 'Carpet-Shino', but the hole in the front door will be more
} difficult to fix.
}
} Note that some men do actually enjoy real friendships with Lesbian or
} otherwise 'unavailable' women, but these men will all be out enjoying
} a rich social life or eating dinner with their sister, not trying to
} join Lesbian clubs.
}
} (3) The 'I Don't Know What 'Lesbian' Means, But This Looks Like A Good
} Club To Join To Meet Women' type. AKA Boneheads.
}
} Boneheads should always have their membership details and specifics of
} meetings sent through the post in an envelope marked 'child proof
} seal'. Fortunately since only single boneheads would bother trying to
} meet women, married ones being much too uncreative to consider
} adultery, there are unlikely to be any children around to open it for
} them. The boneheads will be once again disappointed, but unable to
} figure out why. Don't worry about possible divorced Boneheads with
} children. Can you *ever* imagine a bonehead winning a custody case?
}
} (4) The 'I Read About This 'Lesbian' Club On The Internet And Would
} Like To Join' type. AKA Geeks.
}
} These are the easiest type. Simply collect their membership fees and
} then tell them that the club meets on #lesbian-club on IRC. Since many
} 'Geeks' adopt female identities on the net to try and wheedle 'girls
} talk' out of real females (or more commonly other male geeks adopting
} female persona) none will notice the lack of real women. On the
} contrary they will be overjoyed at the huge numbers of 'women' present
} who have no reservations about indulging in 'hot Lesbian sex talk'.
} Geeks are a good catch for your group as, unlike most types of men who
} might join, they are likely to renew their subscriptions year after
} year. Some of your members might occasionally drop in on the group to
} correct some of the most basic anatomical inaccuracies.
}
} (5) 'Princess Diana'. AKA Squidgy.
}
} Princess Diana isn't a man, though of course there is no shortage of
} men who want to be Princess Diana. But, she does have the habit of
} turning up everywhere that it is possible to turn up and your club is
} likely to be no exception. Her Royal Highness should not be discouraged
} due to her incredible experience at dealing with Macho Knuckleheads
} such as Will Carling and Major James Hewitt. What's more she might
} bring Fergie along, and Fergie knows some *really* good things to do
} with toes. Not only that, but Diana, an intelligent and strong woman
} (swoon!), has had such incredibly bad treatment from men that she
} deserves a woman who will treat her right.
}
} You Owe The Oracle an extra large roll of cling film.


801-09    (9nopf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and wonderful, whose fatherly advice is better
> than the dad's on Father Knows Best,
>
> My husband says I've been unusually moody and grumpy since becoming
> pregnant.  I keep telling him that I'm not.  I'm not, I tell you!
> I'M NOT MOODY!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!! JUST WHERE DOES HE
> GET OFF... oh, pardon me.  How can I convince him that I'm the same
> sweet, loving wife he married?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While you're pregnant, he gets off in the bathroom.  That wasn't your
} main question, but you did ask, and I thought you should know.


801-10    (myle5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omni-everything oracle, please tell me:
> What is the purpose of the "x-faces" entry in several messages and
> usenet posts I've read?  How can I decode this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was part of the deal. If Rod Stewart wanted to marry a supermodel
} twenty years his junior, then he had to find jobs for all the other
} ex-members of his band, The Faces. Hence, each 'x-face' is a Steve
} Marriot, Ronnie Lane, or similar.
}
} But, what with the ravages of time, disease, or in Steve Marriot's
} case, advanced decomposition, a decoded x-face is unlikely to be a
} pretty sight.
}
} You'd be much better off just buying their recent remastered box set,
} and relaxing back while all those classic psychedelic pop songs wash
} over you.
}
} You owe The Oracle a paisley shirt and some wrinkle pickers.


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