} It's easy. All you have to do to double your possible membership is let
} men join. However, as this is a Lesbian group there may be some slight
} teething problems with your new male members (of a different sort to
} those experienced by recent female -> male sex changes I should add).
} I don't know if you're familiar with 'self-help' books for heterosexual
} females, but they rely on the first principle of dealing with men. 'All
} men can be dealt with if you can identify them as one of a small number
} of basic types and apply complex and lengthy methods specific to that
} Ahem, the types of men you are likely to have join your group are:
} (1) The 'One Good Man And They're Cured' Type. AKA Macho Knuckleheads.
} Macho Knuckleheads will immediately be a big problem, and will start
} pawing and attempting to 'turn' the female members of your club 'onto'
} the supposed 'joys' of true masculinity. Of course, as we all know, any
} women experiences overwhelming animal lust on seeing a true man scratch
} his armpit through a hole in his shirt. Any woman who can resist that
} will of course be bowled over by method number two, scratching the
} crotch through a hole in the jeans accompanied by suggestive pelvic
} In the unlikely event of Macho Knuckleheads being the only male members
} to join your club, you should arrange the seating plan as follows;
} (i) Macho Knuckleheads, (ii) Black Belts, (iii) Brown Belts, and so on.
} Macho Knuckleheads can be noisy, from a variety of orifices, but can be
} kept quiet for hours with simple toys such as a piece of paper with
} 'please turn over' written on both sides.
} (2) The 'I'm Really Aware Of Lesbian Issues And Feel That Removing The
} Sexual Question From Male-Female Relationships Can Lead To True
} Friendships That I Can't Experience With Men Or Heterosexual Women'.
} AKA Wimps.
} Wimps would like to join a Lesbian club to allow them the image that
} they're talking to and relating to real women without the frightening
} possibility of actual intimate physical contact, like holding hands.
} Should you only have Wimps attending then simply get your most butch
} member to blow in their ears. Scorch marks on the carpet can be removed
} with 'Carpet-Shino', but the hole in the front door will be more
} difficult to fix.
} Note that some men do actually enjoy real friendships with Lesbian or
} otherwise 'unavailable' women, but these men will all be out enjoying
} a rich social life or eating dinner with their sister, not trying to
} join Lesbian clubs.
} (3) The 'I Don't Know What 'Lesbian' Means, But This Looks Like A Good
} Club To Join To Meet Women' type. AKA Boneheads.
} Boneheads should always have their membership details and specifics of
} meetings sent through the post in an envelope marked 'child proof
} seal'. Fortunately since only single boneheads would bother trying to
} meet women, married ones being much too uncreative to consider
} adultery, there are unlikely to be any children around to open it for
} them. The boneheads will be once again disappointed, but unable to
} figure out why. Don't worry about possible divorced Boneheads with
} children. Can you *ever* imagine a bonehead winning a custody case?
} (4) The 'I Read About This 'Lesbian' Club On The Internet And Would
} Like To Join' type. AKA Geeks.
} These are the easiest type. Simply collect their membership fees and
} then tell them that the club meets on #lesbian-club on IRC. Since many
} 'Geeks' adopt female identities on the net to try and wheedle 'girls
} talk' out of real females (or more commonly other male geeks adopting
} female persona) none will notice the lack of real women. On the
} contrary they will be overjoyed at the huge numbers of 'women' present
} who have no reservations about indulging in 'hot Lesbian sex talk'.
} Geeks are a good catch for your group as, unlike most types of men who
} might join, they are likely to renew their subscriptions year after
} year. Some of your members might occasionally drop in on the group to
} correct some of the most basic anatomical inaccuracies.
} (5) 'Princess Diana'. AKA Squidgy.
} Princess Diana isn't a man, though of course there is no shortage of
} men who want to be Princess Diana. But, she does have the habit of
} turning up everywhere that it is possible to turn up and your club is
} likely to be no exception. Her Royal Highness should not be discouraged
} due to her incredible experience at dealing with Macho Knuckleheads
} such as Will Carling and Major James Hewitt. What's more she might
} bring Fergie along, and Fergie knows some *really* good things to do
} with toes. Not only that, but Diana, an intelligent and strong woman
} (swoon!), has had such incredibly bad treatment from men that she
} deserves a woman who will treat her right.
} You Owe The Oracle an extra large roll of cling film.