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Internet Oracularities #802

Goto:
802, 802-01, 802-02, 802-03, 802-04, 802-05, 802-06, 802-07, 802-08, 802-09, 802-10


Usenet Oracularities #802    (100 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 26 Dec 1995 10:53:49 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   802
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

802  100 votes hismf 4htwi 7eyB8 chxsa avwj8 5mwva 9fusi 3pxpe gEz90 4iyqi
802   3.1 mean  3.0   3.4   3.2   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.2   2.4   3.4


802-01    (hismf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *%\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\^/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%$%*\@/*%*
> *  X   !   X   !   X   !   X   !   .   !   X   !   X   !   X   !   X   *
> *      O       O       O       O  .|.  O       O       O       O       *
> *                                 -*-                                  *
> *   Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise!       '|`           _    Happy New Year!   *
> *   Frohliche Weihnachten!        *:*          ("D     Chag Sameach!   *
> *   Sarbatori Fericite!          * . *        ~(=r      Boas Festas!   *
> *   Joyous Solstice!            **   **    .../__\       Gut Yontif!   *
> *   Mele Kurisumasu!          *** o   ***     [MJ]       Iyi YIllar!   *
> *   Mele Kalikimaka!           *\    O *             Wesolych Swiat!   *
> *   Merry Christmas!          ** \\    **            Velelykh Svyat!   *
> *   Happy Hanukkah!         ***    \\   ***        Stastny Novy Rok!   *
> *   Pari Dzounount!          * o     \\  *        Kelemes Unnepeket!   *
> *   Happy Holidays!         **    O    \\**      Season's Greetings!   *
> *   Veseli Vanoce!        ***\\       o  \***     Gung Hay Fat Choy!   *
> *   Feliz Navidad!         *   \\  o       *       Felican Jarfinon!   *
> *   Joyeux Noel!          **  o  \\    O   **       Joy to the World   *
> *   Bom Natal!         ****        \\     o ****      - And to All a   *
> *   God Jul!             ** o     o  \\ o   **           Good Night!   *
> *   Cheers!            ***     O       \\    ***                       *
> *   *:D       o_     *****************************      e@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> *     _      <' )~      ___      #####  _v_            @@@"""""""""""""*
> *    /<~    ["""] V  o [___] _@_ #####__|~|_ A        @" ___ ___________
> *   %'=    @|HHH|[~] U |\ /|/^^^\##[{}{}{}{](") !    II__[w] | [i] [z] |
> *  %' )   /%|HHH||$|/V\|XXX|~~~~~##[}{}{}{}](:)<*>  {======|_|~~~~~~~~~|
> * %(__6 |==D|HHH||$|\^/|/ \|=====##[{}{}{}{](:) V  /oO--000'"`-OO---OO-'
> ************************************************************************

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My heavens!  Not even in Its omniscience and omnividence has your
} Oracle ever seen such a beautiful and superb thing.
}
} Thank you for this gift.
}
} In recompense for this answer, the Oracle expects you to bestow upon It
} a similar greeting, replete with graphics, each and every day of the
} year, and each must be appropriate to the day and utterly unique.
}
} All teasing aside, you've done a *splendid* job, and the Oracle
} congratulates you.


802-02    (4htwi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eeeekk!  Two mice!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Mister Gates.  Welcome to Hell.  The right-handed mouse is the
} mouse-mouse; it is for pointing and clicking.  The left-handed mouse
} is the keyboard-mouse.  In the "unlikely" event (muahaha!) that you
} should need to use the keyboard (hee hee!) you just left-click the
} little keyboard icon with the keyboard-mouse.  This pops up a
} full-screen image of one of your famous curvy Microsoft keyboards, and
} you click on the keys that you want to press with the keyboard-mouse.
} The application then thinks that you have pressed those keys, even
} though you don't actually have a keyboard.  Who needs a keyboard when
} you've got Windows, eh, Mister Gates?
}
} Well, then, I shall leave you to your task.  Your job is to download
} the Slackware 3 distribution onto 5.25" floppies.  You can just use
} your account on Microsoft Network to do this little chore.  It
} shouldn't take more than a few hours, right Mister Gates?
}
} Oh, by the way -- since these are Microsoft mice, you don't have a
} middle mouse button.  You have to hit both buttons at _exactly_ the
} same time to emulate the middle button.
}
} I'll check back in 100 years.  Ta ta!


802-03    (7eyB8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why drivers way back in line start leaning on their horns as soon as
> the light turns green, even though there's no chance they'll be able to
> make it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are experimenting with the Doppler effect.  If they can get moving
} fast enough, then the sound waves from their horn will compress to the
} wavelength of a red stop signal.  If the compressed wave arrives 180
} degrees out of phase with the stop light then it won't be visible and
} they have the right of way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to do away with the green light of the traffic
} moving perpendicular to me.


802-04    (chxsa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom is as grand as Barry Switzer's is feeble,
> I ask you:
>
> I am reading this article in the Jounal of Woodland Creatures titled:
> "On the proclivity of marmota monax to reject surrounding flora".  I
> don't really have the time to read it, anyway it seems pretty
> scientific and I doubt I could comprehend the results of their
> findings.  Could you please summarize for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The subject species was observed both in the wild and under
} experimental constraints.  Individual subjects showed a marked
} tendency to remove xyloid plant matter from their immediate vicinity
} by throwing it.  No quantitative analysis has been performed.
}
} You owe the Oracle the quantitative analysis.


802-05    (avwj8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful oracle, genius to all
> Lend me your ear as I try to recall
> A query that hopefully isn't a bore,
> A query about those great hackers of yore.
> One of those legends replied to my post
> (A forwarded joke about Geek Codes and hosts.)
> He had a slight qualm with a joke about TECO,
> Ancestor of emacs, but better than pico.
> He said "Yes, but do you know what TECO is?
> Not only do I know, but I used it 10 years. :-("
> This is confusing.  It boggles my mind
> Since we larval stage hackers admire his kind!
> So my query, oh Orrie, which does my heart bother:
> Why'd one be embarrassed 'bout emacs's father?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd answer your query in kind, with a rhyme,
} but even omnipotent entities have limits on time.
} And I'm not sure that these lines actually parse
} So it's time for me to put an end to this farce.
} So for you, dear supplicant, I shall compose
} An answer to your query, written in that thing you have when you don't
} have a rhyme.
}
} A great Jedi Knight TECO was, strong in the Force was he. Alas was he
} killed, the evil Darth Veeaye killed by. Look at me like that why are
} you? Believe me do you not?


802-06    (5mwva dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, does anyone ever abuse this server to try
> and get free advertising by placing their business address at the end
> of a clever response?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope. They don't give clever responses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mailing list.
}
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}    J. Sprat & Co., Nutrition Consultants
}  "Clean your plate without gaining weight"
}            jsprat@mgoose.com
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


802-07    (9fusi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Grrr....ping...bonp....bonmeter...boom...zing...whussssssterrrrrr....za
>  ppppp...booppptakerrrrrsonnnnnnalyleeeeeee..................tinnnn....w
>  husssss.......pop....pop....pop....BANGPinggggg.........whussssssss....
>  ....................................pop.................zoppp...flopp..
>  ..tintkly..tintkly....<end>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'll teach you to pee on the computer!


802-08    (3pxpe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a deer and an elk?
> More importantly, where the **** did that come up? I just thought I'd
> ask the mighty Oracle something, and then I typed that question,
> without knowing why. I am not even interested in animals! Please
> explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to Websters', a deer is "any of numerous ruminant animals
} that constitute the family Cervidae, that have two large and two small
} hoofs on each foot and antlers borne by the males of nearly all and the
} females of a few forms, that are represented by numerous species and
} individuals in most regions except most of Africa and Australia, and
} that constitute an important source of food in many places for man and
} the larger carnivorous animals."  An elk, on the other hand, is an old
} man wearing a funny hat who is a member of a Middle America benevolent
} social order consisting of many old men who wear funny hats.
}
} As for the reason why you asked, it has to do with a long-repressed
} childhood incident.  When you were a young child, you had an elk for a
} pet.  You loved him and cared for him, and he followed you everywhere.
} Life was wonderful until the day that the lodgemaster explained to you
} that the elk should really be sleeping in his own house instead of at
} the foot of your bed.  You were quite traumatized, because the elk was
} very deer to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of _Charlotte's Web_ by E.B. White.


802-09    (gEz90 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Obgrovel.  Why is Taman' such a weird story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obgrumble.  Any story will become weird if it is translated from one
} language to another a sufficiently large number of times.  Taman'
} has gone from Latin, to Urdu, to Hindi, to French, to Spanish, to
} Portuguese, to Arabic, to Farsi, to Russian, to Ukrainian, to Finnish,
} to English, until it finally reached its current form.
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation into Serbo-Croatian.


802-10    (4iyqi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who knows more about signs than Nancy Reagan's
> astrologer, please enlighten me with your vast knowlege.
>
> While I was traveling in upstate New York, I saw some signs like this:
>
> .________.
> |   ?    |
> |        |
> | 1 Mile |
> |________|
>
> What does this sign mean?  Is there a question mark up ahead?  Is the
> Department of Transportation attempting to cause us to have doubts in
> our minds as whether or not to proceed with our travels?  Has no one
> ever returned from that one mile journey to tell us of the tale of what
> exists ahead?  Tell me, O wise one.  What is the purpose of this sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While the alternative interpretations you propose reveal a wisdom
} significantly beyond your years, assuming, of course, that you are not
} quite as infinitely old as the Oracle, you did fail, the Oracle is
} almost sorry to say, in making the correct deduction.  The sign
} indicates that, for the next mile, the road is shaped exactly like your
} interrogative sign.  There is absolutely nothing dubious about the
} matter.
}
} There is a second meaning that this sign sometimes has: the
} Transportation Department of New York has had considerable difficulty
} in adequately describing the conditions of the road for the next mile
} and invites taggers to write their graffitiform descriptions on the
} sign, preferably in blinking, neon lights of highly saturated colors.
}
} A third meaning that the sign often has is that reminds drivers that,
} for the next mile, passengers and drivers are permitted legally by the
} state to ask one another questions.  This does not necessarily mean
} that the prohibition against asking questions elsewhere on the road has
} already been legislated against.  One question frequently asked is,
} "Where the hell are we?"  Another is, "Why isn't this section of the
} road shaped like a question mark?"


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