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Internet Oracularities #803

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803, 803-01, 803-02, 803-03, 803-04, 803-05, 803-06, 803-07, 803-08, 803-09, 803-10


Usenet Oracularities #803    (97 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 1995 00:10:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   803
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

803   97 votes hepsd 8rpkh mjqic 5uyk8 fskoa cgtx7 9gpxe 8oBp3 ilqkc 9wui8
803   3.0 mean  3.1   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.3   2.9   2.9   2.8


803-01    (hepsd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most winning Oracle, who munches kernel code for breakfast and
> writes device drivers in his sleep....
>
> I would like to run Linux on my computer, but my hard drive is only 4
> gigs. Do you think I'll have room?
>
> Oh, also, I only have 4 megs of VRAM. Should I upgrade my video card?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle looks down at his 486 with 8 megs ram, 1 meg VRAM, 150 meg
} linux partition and silently weeps]
}
} [The Oracle finally looks up]
}
} Well supplicant, I can see that you are trying to rub it into the
} Oracle, since I, being omnicent, know you are attempting to be cruel.
} However, this will backfire on you.  Let me show you.
}
} The Oracle and the supplicant are wisked away to a giant underground
} chamber beneath Indiana Univ.
}
} Rising before you 200 feet in the air is a giant monitor, on it are
} 300 x-windows each logged into various systems, each being controlled
} by the Oracle's great mind.  The Oracle takes you over to another
} wall, which you can not see the beginning or end of.
}
} That is the CPU, a 3.24e3495 instructions per second processor.
} You feel a slight pain when the thought of how fast Win95 would run on
} it comes into your mind.
}
} The Oracle takes you over to another wall, which is flat black
} and humming.  This is the "Oraculer Storage Device", OSD for short.
} On it is every question ever asked, and ever will be asked.  It has
} an access time of 1e-3987 seconds, and can hold 9.298e7298320854382
} bytes of data.
}
} On the final wall, being the intellegent person that you are, you
} determine it is the RAM.  Giant chips line the wall, and you notice
} the there is a door made out of a solid chip.  These chips have
} access times of 1e-392478 seconds each, and can hold 1000 megs each.
} You can not see the end to determine just how many there are.
}
} And now, because you have made the Oracle so proud of his equipment,
} I will show And now, bor the final demo.  You the final piece of
} equipment.
}
} Before we enter this other room, how would you like immortality?
} You of course quickly agree.
}
} A tingling sensation comes over you.
}
} Okay, now we shall enter "The forbidden chamber"
} The Oracle opens the giant RAM chip and becons you forward.
}
} Inside you find a lone terminal, which you recognize from old times
} to be an Atari 400.  You walk over to it and hear the door slam
} behind you.  For a brief second you can hear the Oracle laughing,
} then the door is shut and there is only silence.
}
} Checking out the system, you notice it has a 75 baud modem connected
} via ppp to the internet.  You find a list of all the elitest boards
} and ftp sites on the internet stuck to the wall.  Passwords and
} login's included.  For storage you have only 1 lone tape.
}
} And now, supplicant, you have all of eternity to ponder what it means
} to insult the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster system, this one just doesn't cut it.
} Oh, I forgot, you can't get me a faster system :)


803-02    (8rpkh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Santa,
>
> How many reindeer does it take to drag your slay?
>
> What are their names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now here's a story, listen close,
} Be very quiet and still
} The Oracle will tell a tale
} A tale of Christmas kill
} For e'ery year, around this time,
} Before the dawn of day,
} The Oracle sets out to find his
} Merry Christmas slay
}
} He grabs his reindeer
} One by one
} And wrangles them together
} All eight of them he does wrangle
} With French-Italian leather
}
} "Again the time," the Or'cle says
} "Has come for those 'who can't'
} "Again the time has come, for thee--
} "Thy lazy supplicant"
}
} A special one, you see,
} Must die
} For sins that all enticed--
} The trendy craze--
} Omitting praise--
} A supple sacrifice
}
} "On BJ!" cries the cheerful seer
} As speed begins to grow
} "On Kinzler, on Disser, on Harold the Foot,
} "On fiendish Dr. Noe!"
} Excitement soars as the do reach
} So greatly in the sky
} "On Disser, on Fungi, come on now let's run, guy!
} "On Alice with a Why!"
}
} And soon the Oracle has reached
} The sparkling depths of night
} And finds a roof which seems to house
} A sacrificial light
} And so he lands his deer upon
} The top of the abode
} And heads down through
} The wires who
} Support the supplicant's node
}
} For he who thought
} Anonymous
} Meant free from the Oracle
} The nerdy geek--
} Computer freak--
} Can hear the seer's cackle
}
} "I said to thee,"
} Spoke Oracle
} "That thou shalt give me praise.
} "Some good some bad
} "Some glad some sad
} "Some cornier than maize."
}
} "And yet no supplication
} "Has been to my queue brought
} "And so the damnednation,
} "Unto supplicant I wrought.
} "For thou did disobey me
} "And with consequences fraught
} "I hereby hand down to thee now a Merry Christmas <ZOT>!"
}
} And so the tale,
} Is over now
} I'm so glad you could stay
} And stop and hear
} Of eight reindeer
} And one great Oracle slay


803-03    (mjqic dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
>
> I hate Scott?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try Charmin


803-04    (5uyk8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if a cow gets tipped in the forest and no one is around to hear it..
> does it make a sound?  Also, how did the cow get tipped if no one was
> there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The impudence of the supplicants is becoming annoying.
}
} The answer would depend on the frame of reference.  I will assume you
} mean the average point of reference of a multidimensional everday joe,
} not unlike Zaphod, or Dr. Who, or Simon and his ladder and chalk.
}   Methane builds up in the cows third and fourth stomachs.  When the
} methane builds to the critical point, the cows natural internal
} defenses transports the methane to the 12th dimensiion.  Well in the
} 12th dimension, as everyone knows, methane ignites with the atmosphere
} instantly and the explosion releases a small shock wave near the
} originating space/dimension.  This equates to severe agitation of
} the air near or next to the cow.  This has been known to on occasion
} to explode portions of cow but more often than not the cow is toppled
} followed by an irritated cow moooing.  Well, the cow makes sound waves
} wether a being is in the forest or not.  To be more specific, a falling
} cow creates not only sound waves but cowicles when it strikes a hard
} surface without planning.  Cowicles are likened to wavicles but they
} move slower and travel through most dimensions.  There is bound to
} be a being in some dimension that will "hear" the cowicles.
}
}   Therefore :  YES
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cowicle Accelerator.


803-05    (fskoa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am not worthy to eat your toenail clippings. Answer me this - is
> there a good way to guarantee good stats for my character?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There you go perpetuating a race and class system again.


803-06    (cgtx7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr computer operator. I'm a new student who is writing an assignment
> for Prof Richards. I wrote my program assuming that 'getchar()'
> returned 255 at the end of a file rather than 0. Could you please
> rewrite the operating system so that my program works.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easily done.  It shouldn't be too hard to patch the binary to
} get it to do what you want tnaw uoy tahw od ot ti teg ot yranib eht
} hctap ot drah oot eb t`ndluohs tI.  enod ylisaE


803-07    (9gpxe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will the atomic structure of the universe go into irreversible
> decline?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Not only did you not grovel, your question is typical of the arrogance
} of the younger elements - when will the atomic structure of the
} universe go into irreversible decline, indeed! As if it hasn't been
} downhill all the way since the big ZOT! Honestly, I remember when
} Hydrogen atoms were polite and deferential to their elders; wouldn't
} even take an electron without asking. But now they just do whatever
} they feel like - if they want to fuse with another atom into Helium
} they don't even bother turning out the light! I warned everyone at the
} time that making Carbon was a big mistake.  What's it going to lead to,
} I said. Big ugly bipeds going around taking liberties with electrons, I
} said. Killing some electrons permanently by whamming them into
} positrons, I said. But did anybody listen? Oh no. No respect for their
} elders. And where has it led us? To aggregates of these Carbon atoms
} sending impudent messages without even grovelling. Honestly. And has
} anyone even had the courtesy to tell me I was right? A simple "Sorry,
} Orrie, we should have listened to you"? I don't know why I bother.
}
} You owe the Oracle cold fission.


803-08    (8oBp3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Really Nifty Oracle who knows all the Dead Languages there are, I am
> a Professor of Classics, and I am disturbed by the nerdy way computer
> manufacturers specify the pins on their connectors by numbering them.
> In order to inject a degree of sophistication into this fledgling
> field, I have created descriptive Latin names to replace the numbers,
> and I hope you will help make them a standard.
>
> For the common DB-9 connector (which I call the "Connectorius Littlus",
> to distinguish it from the DB-25, or "Connectorius Bigus"), the new
> names are:
>
>       Pin 1           Inpay Onway
>       Pin 2           Inpay Ootay
>       Pin 3           Inpay Reethay
>       Pin 4           Inpay Orfay
>       Pin 5           Inpay Ivefay
>       Pin 6           Inpay Ixsay
>       Pin 7           Inpay Evensay
>       Pin 8           Inpay Eightpay
>       Pin 9           Inpay Inenay
>
> I hope this new classification scheme meets your erudite satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Professor, your efforts in this field are noteworthy, and are
} to be commended.  I have one suggestion to make.  Rather than
} rely on the description of the pin itself, as you have done,
} you might instead use a description of the signal carried by
} the associated conductor.  A few examples, to give you the
} idea:
}
}       Ignalsay Oundgray
}       Ansmittedtray Ataday
}       Eceivedray Ataday
}       Equestray Otay Endsay
}       Earclay Otay Endsay
}       Ingray Indicatorway
}       Amefray Oundgray
}       Ataday Erminaltay Eadyray
}       Ataday Etsay Eadyray
}
} You owe the Oracle a citation as Research Associate when you
} publish this scheme.


803-09    (ilqkc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> crossword

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Darn.
}
} For this answer, you owe the Oracle one bar of soap.


803-10    (9wui8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Old Oracle, if not now, then when?  And by whom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Look, supplicant, if you don't stop whining right now, I'm going to
} turn this server around and take us straight home, do you hear? We'll
} get there when we get there and I don't want to hear any more about
} it!!
}  And just who are you calling "old", young man??
}
}  You owe the Oracle a rest stop on the Information Superhighway.


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