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Internet Oracularities #804

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804, 804-01, 804-02, 804-03, 804-04, 804-05, 804-06, 804-07, 804-08, 804-09, 804-10


Usenet Oracularities #804    (101 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 30 Dec 1995 00:10:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   804
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

804  101 votes kLm75 2eryo 1eAvj 7uxm9 iswe9 aqwlc 2fwFb allxg aszn5 coiti
804   3.1 mean  2.3   3.6   3.5   3.0   2.7   3.0   3.4   3.2   2.9   3.2


804-01    (kLm75 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, why have you been silent so long?  When will you grace us
> with your words of wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not I, the almighty Oracle who has turned my face from humanity -
} rather, you have abandoned me. That is why I took away all your priests
} and brought down the fiery mountain... no, wait, that's not right...
}
} You owe The Oracle royalty rights for T$R novels.


804-02    (2eryo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who has flown and sung with the birds, who has swum
> with the fishes, shone with the Moon, and has flung many a fling
> with Nolan Ryan,
>
> I have barely begun to do you justice, but the shortness of mortal
> existence would have swung me to curtail my grovel too soon in any
> case, so please great Oracle,
>
> What is the past participle of "ping"? The gerund of FTP?
> The passive voice of mime? The accusative of finger?
> In short, please teach me the grammar of the Internet!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's quite straight forward;
}
} There are 4 tenses; Present, Future, Perfect and Imperfect (commonly
} refered to as Damaged). Tenses are used to express when something has
} happened, will happen, used to have happened, would have happened but,
} will happen even though, happens in the middle of dinner, shit happens
} and happens even though it goes against the election pledge of the
} government.
}
} There are five cases; Nominative, Genitive, Accusative, Dative and
} Decorative. These are used, at random, unless you are addressing
} somebody with two syllables in their name, in which case you should
} follow these simple rules for word ending;
}
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |     | Present | Future |  Perfect |  Damaged       |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |Nom. |  -es    |   -en  |   -es    |  -esetten      |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |Acc. |  -et    |   -es  |  -eten   |  -enttensten   |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |Gen. |  -er    |   -er  |   -er    |  -errerereeren |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |Dat. |  -en    |   -en  |   -en    |  -e<belch>en   |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
} |Dec. | Reserved for talking about Christmas trees   |
} +-----+---------+--------+----------+----------------+
}
} The position of the verb is critical, It is quire possible to entirely
} reverese the meaning of a sentence by confusing the word order,
} beginners beware this classic Dutch mistake;
}
} Haak an oorg flascher neet - Where is the Cinema, please
} Haak an neet flascher oorg - Your Mother is a hogs ass
}
} Of course, al this carefully structured grammar is wasted on the dweebs
} who populate the internet. Dear suplicant, if you can write the word
} dude like this; "d00d", that is all the liguistic ability you need to
} survive the net.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Boys Own book of Irregular verbs.


804-03    (1eAvj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Brushing your teeth with the loofah.
} 2) That thing with the goat.
} 3) The way you grin at strangers in lifts and say, "I'm wearing new
}    socks!"
} 4) Throw the brick through the window and grab the jewels, not
}    throw the jewels through the window and grab the brick!
} 5) Crottling your grunions with a puling stick (this is illegal, no
}    matter what your friends say! Just say no!)
} 6) That's foaming lavatory cleaner, not deodorant. Still, at least you
}    smell lemon-fresh.
} 7) Try keeping both eyes open while you aim.


804-04    (7uxm9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, this is a long one, so go grab a cold one and get comfortable:
>
> Why do we refer to a lady's maid as an abigail? A school as an academy?
> A fungus as an agaric? A variety of gypsum or calcite as alabaster? A
> type of overshoe as an alaska? A twelve-sylabble verse as an
> alexandrine? A pale blue color as alice blue? A certain flower as
> amaryllis? A stately dance as allemande? A strong woman as an amazon? A
> soft velvet hat as an alpine? A pungent gas as an ammonia? A pale dry
> sherry as amontillado? An electric meausurement as an ampere? A short
> account as an anecdote? A kind of bitters as angostura? A tidy as an
> antimacassar? A Paris gangster as an apache? A stimulus to sexual
> desire as an aphrodisiac? A handsom young man as an applo? An ornate
> design as arabesque? A spider as an arachnid? Rustic and peaceful as
> arcadian? An antiaircraft gun as archie? A large group of islands as an
> archipelago? An fleet of vessels as an argosy? A pheasant with eyelike
> spots in its tail feathers as an argus? A kind of pattern and sock as
> an argyle? A rich tapestry fabric as an arras? A type of well as
> artesian? A scarf as an ascot? An analgesic as aspirin? A political
> killer as an assassin? A kind of lamb fur or skin as an astrakhan? A
> literary club as an atheneum? A volume of maps as an atlas? A poisonous
> alkaloid as atropine? The part of a building just below and the roof as
> the attic? The dawn as aurora?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Usie, you pose quite an interesting question...or should I say,
} questions.  First, let's examine your first question, about an abigail.
} Funny you should mention that name, for this Oracle has a particular
} affinity to the name Abigail.  Many people, in fact, refer to this
} Oracle as Abigail...and the Oracle is a bit put off that you hold the
} belief that an abigail is a mere MAID...Let me tell you, buddy.  This
} Oracle is an Abigail, and this Oracle ain't no maid!  I AM AN
} OMNIPOTENT ORACLE.  I HAVE MAIDS.
} Being omnipotent and all-encompassing as well as merciful, the Oracle
} will forgive you for your slip-up...So now that we have clarified the
} first issue, let's deal with the next 309827903 questions you posed,
} shall we?  The Oracle (Abigail) examined your list of questions and to
} answer them all at once, I would like to present to you a history of
} the dictionary.
}
} Dictius, the creator of the dictionary, (who, coincidentally, had a
} daughter named Abigail who, as legend has it, married a high and mighty
} spirit who was so powerful that he turned her into an Oracle) was a
} well-educated man who, one day, decided to compile a list of all of the
} meanings of the words that he knew.  He realized, however, that he had
} a slight problem; he had skipped the first day of alphabet class, so he
} only knew the last 25 letters.  He compiled this list, leaving out all
} words starting with A, the first letter, because he had been off at the
} beach that day.  He presented this work to the official book
} commissioner of his country, who looked at it and thought it was GREAT.
}  It was the first time anyone had taken upon themselves a task this
} incredible.  But then, the commissioner realized that there was a
} section missing. Unfortunately, he had already begun publishing the
} book, so, to cover for Dictius, he picked a whole bunch of random
} concepts and paired them with any word that he could think of that
} started with 'a.'  (Well, he was pressed for time!  Come on, don't tell
} me that you've not written a paper in like the hour before it was due,
} and as a result, put all sorts of random facts that you hoped the
} person grading it wouldn't notice...)  So he picked random words, such
} as "amontillado" and looked at his surroundings - a glass of pale dry
} sherry, and entered it in the missing first chapter of the dictionary.
} Although, when the book was published, some people were confused by
} this slap-dash first chapter, the words soon took on the randomly
} assigned meanings...and that is the answer to your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle the time that you took to look all those words up
} and write that long message.


804-05    (iswe9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I LOVE YOU!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes.  All of my supplicants do.  And I love all my supplicants,
} which is why I watch over you night and day.
}
} The oracle blesses you with a very happy holiday season.
}
} You owe the oracle nothing.


804-06    (aqwlc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose dreams are cool,
>
> Leafless trees, sleeping through winter:
> Of what do they dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sap rising, birds
} weeping at the beauty
} Spring brings.
}
} Buds so sticky
} a remembrance
} of trees past.
}
} Leaves to drink
} rich wine of Summer
} sunshine.
}
} You owe the oracle the laughter of bees.


804-07    (2fwFb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle,
>
> I was reading about the history of the FDIV bug, and I decided to
> test my brain to see if it has the same defect.
>
> Every time I try to calculate 4195835-(4195835/3145727)*3145727,
> I get a headache.
>
> Does this mean I have the bug? Please answer quietly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that all depends on how you're trying to calculate it.  If you're
} using your fingers, stop tapping your head so hard.  If you're using an
} abacus, stop moving the pieces with your ears.  If you're using a
} calculator, stop hitting yourself in the head with a mallet.  If you're
} using a Power PC, take your tongue out of the power supply.  If you're
} using a Pentium, the headache is a feature of Windows, and Bill says
} you _like_ it so stop complaining and _enjoy_ the ease of use.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of SAB (Symantic Anti-virus for the Brain)
} and a 45 milligram shot of Penicillin.


804-08    (allxg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh oracle, most wise, please tell me...
>
>     Why can't I fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's sad when humans contemplate
} The dire nature of their fate.
} You can't believe you are superior
} When toweling off your broad posterior.
} "It's not enough that we have reason.
}  Please prove we're tops of birds, and bees, and
}  All of nature's beasts," you plead.
} It seems a basic human need.
} You think you really have it rough
} You want the other species' stuff.
} Your situation, you defile
} By asking for it doggy-style.
} You want the cunning of the fox
} The killer urge of chicken hawks
} The mighty leap of the tiny flea
} A singing voice higher than Geddy Lee.
} The daily schedule of the lion
} Has even powerful humans cryin'.
} (He fights, he screws, he stalks his prey
} But mostly he just sleeps all day.)
} But look into the things beasts lack!
} You would be taken quite aback!
} The other creatures eat their young
} Spend hours contemplating dung
} Have intercourse with mom or dad
} Get beat and skinned for a human fad
} And that's not all; don't you forget
} They cannot use the Internet
} They cannot drive at 65
} They're caged, and hunted, and buried alive.
} You humans really have it made.
} Many of you do get laid.
} Opposing thumbs is really class;
} You get the power to pick your ass.
} The other animals just stick it out
} With all those flies buzzing about.
} You're on two feet, that's pretty sweet.
} That frees your hands to beat your meat.
} And one thing more, let's face it, honey --
} You're the only fauna with ANY money.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 6-pack of Chicken McNuggets.  To go.  At the
} drive-through window.


804-09    (aszn5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh awe inspiring Oracle! Why are you so wise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely even the humblest of supplicants would become disillusioned if
} the Oracle displayed less than transinfinite omniscience.
} Contemplation of the resulting ignominy is highly repugnant, even to an
} otherwise tolerant Oracle.  The battery of tests to which each
} prospective Oracle must submit, even before becoming an apprentice, is
} indescribable.  Moreover, the quantity of applicants who must
} sorrowfully be turned away is utterly innumerable.  Imagine having to
} spend the remainder of one's days as an oracle that couldn't pass
} muster.
}
} Still, having an age that is orders of magnitude larger than even the
} invisible universe and being at all times both highly observant and
} omnipresent could hardly be said to have cramped the Oracle's style.
} Don't underestimate the effect which bitter experience, omnividence and
} endless reflection have on an embryonic Oracle's sagacity, profundity
} and humility.
}
} Now that you understand all this, you can rest assured of the accuracy,
} intelligence and wisdom behind the Oracle's every utterance, however
} briefly or simply stated.
}
} In recompense for this answer, the Oracle demands a gumdrop.


804-10    (coiti dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisely wonderful Owacwe, whose wings wiw nevew unwavew, won't you
> wewax whiwe watiocinating my wequest -
>
> Wiw I evew manage to captuwe that wascawwy wabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Barbara, you've had Michael Jackson, you've had Princess Di,
} You've invoked tears in more celebrities than even cellulite has.
} Eddie Rabbit is small potatoes.  I know he continues to snub you, but
} get over it.  He really only ever had that one song, anyway, and most
} people think it was that Pina Colada thing and that wasn't even him.
} Stick with the big names and Oscar nominees, and leave the has-been
} singers to Hugh Downs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wig from your bouffant period.


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