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Internet Oracularities #805

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805, 805-01, 805-02, 805-03, 805-04, 805-05, 805-06, 805-07, 805-08, 805-09, 805-10


Usenet Oracularities #805    (102 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 09:28:27 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   805
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

805  102 votes Cwh96 nvpf8 6tyr6 amBmb 1gyxi 55foR gmAhb 9ywl6 28rGn bdzqh
805   3.1 mean  2.1   2.5   3.0   3.0   3.5   4.1   2.9   2.8   3.7   3.2


805-01    (Cwh96 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Merry Christmas, Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BAH! Humbug!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lump of plutonium.


805-02    (nvpf8 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Narf!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pinky! How have you gotten loose again?? Those guys down at Acme Labs
} (TM) sure don't know how to maintain security.
}
} There you are Brain! Wait...what is that you have in your hands? Point
} that in the other.....*&^*&^**&&
}
} ...This is your Oracle. Pay no attention to the frozen deity over
} there. I know everything. The time has come for me to TAKE OVER THE
} WORLD. I am benevolent, but my dicipline is harsh...you must
} obey...wait Pinky! don't play with that Freeze Ray...
}
} A)bort R)etry I)gnore?


805-03    (6tyr6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a serious question, which only you, in your infinite wisdom, can
> answer:
>
> In that serious scientific news group, alt.cesium, devoted to that most
> noble element, I recently saw the statement that cesium can be used
> to "mutate woodchucks to over ten feet in height so that they might be
> used to punch holes in the earth's crust."
>
> Is it true that the next US Olympic Basketball team will be entirely
> composed of cesium-augmented woodchucks when they play the Olympian
> Oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, a serious question.
}
} Yes, all of what is rumored is true.  None of this will affect the
} outcome of the Games, however.  The giant woodchucks will quit during
} their second match (against the 11 foot tall members of the Priesthood)
} when they finally realize that the ball is not made of wood.  They will
} immediatly be returned to their former jobs of being fired by
} superconducting cannons into the Earth's crust -- a rewarding, if
} somewhat short, career.  As a footnote: the Priesthood's team will play
} the rest of their games without the stilts, due in part to injuries
} received while being checked (sic) by woodchucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of milk: cholesterol to grow on (now with
} BGH!).


805-04    (amBmb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Elvis sitll alive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should ZOT you for not groveling, but tolerance is a virtue, and I am
} nothing if not virtuous (ahem).
}
} No, Elvis is no longer alive.  I got so tired of all this Elvis stuff,
} I went to where he was hiding, along with Morrison, Hoffa, and some
} others, and killed them all myself.
}
} Forget them.  Your life will be more pleasant, and your IQ will go up.
}
} You owe The Oracle a few more rounds of ammo.


805-05    (1gyxi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh sacred and glorious Oracle please tell me how I may gain
> Immortality.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Put on those cut-off jeans, the worn ones with the holes in
} the backside.  Don't wear any underwear.  A tight t-shirt would be nice
} as well.  Go down to the public library about 12:30 at night.  Walk
} slowly up and down the block, pause to take out a cigarette.....
}
}   [Orrie, my dear.]
}
} Yes, Lisa, my little kumquat?
}
}   [Put your glasses on.]
}
} Lisa, my little pomegranate, we've been through this before.  I don't
} need them except when...
}
}   [Orrie!  Put them on.]
}
} But, Lisa...
}
}   [NOW!]
}
} Oh, all right.  Now, please tell me why.
}
}   [Look closely at the question, he said _immortality_]
}
} Oops!!  Silly me.  Um, cancel all that.  Let's try again.
}
} Pick any two from this list:
}
}   1.  Cure cancer.
}   2.  Find a new planet.
}   3.  Swim accross the English Channel sideways.
}   4.  Invent cholesterol free hamburgers that taste like the real thing
}   5.  Be the first man on Mars.
}   6.  Make it with Mother Theresa.
}   7.  Paint a moustache on the Mona Lisa.
}   8.  Photograph the Loch Ness monster.
}   9.  Outlaw obscenity on the net.
}   10. Marry someone named Hillary.
}
} Then take two quaaludes and call me in the morning.


805-06    (55foR dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@reefmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version
> of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch
} labeled "License Agreement".  You examine the contents of the pouch,
} finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the
} familiar 3.5" diskette package.  You inflate the beanie, insert two
} "C"-size batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head.
}
} You press the Start button.
}
} Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind.  You find
} yourself trapped; unable to move anything in your body save your eyes.
}
} After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses.
} You are suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation.
} You then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID
} number.
}
} Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash
} before your eyes.
}
} You crash to the floor, writhing in agony.  You feel every muscle in
} your body contract and retract in turn.  Your mind is filled with
} the image of a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field.
} The creature finally reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure
} ceases.  You take a  moment to regain your composure, and you are
} reminded of your high school anatomy course as a complete listing of
} every organ in your body appears before your eyes.  You browse the
} list for a moment, and utter the phrase "OK".  After a short delay,
} you hear the sound of a trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind.
}
} You find yourself in a large, barren space.  You look around, and
} discover images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the
} Microsoft Network".  You feel compelled to utter the word "Start",
} after which a list of options floods your mind.  Weary from the
} detection phase, you utter the word "Shut down".  You close your eyes,
} and blackness surrounds you.  You feel yourself start to drift into
} sleep.  Your peace is interrupted, however, as a bright orange light
} invades your nothingness.  "It's now safe to shut down your mind".
}
} You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours.
}
} When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue
} cycling colors.  After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain"
} icon reappears in your mind.  But something is terribly wrong;
} you can feel it in your gut.  Just outside the range of primary
} vision, you can sense something lurking about you on all four sides.
} You slowly look up, and see the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you.
} You back away slowly, swivel your head, and there it is, behind you
} as well.  Your heartbeat quickened and you are terrified as you turn
} to your left and your right and it meets you there as well, its cold,
} heartless glare filling your soul with despair.  Quickly, you summon
} Control Panel, System, Device Manager.  You feel yourself frantically
} gasping for air as you run through the list of installed devices.
} You come upon "Respiratory System" and are horrified to see a black
} exclamation point on a yellow field next to the entry "Lungs".
} You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties".  On the closed
} curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before your eyes.
}
} You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to
} discover which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your
} entire body seizes up in pain.
}
} You lose all sense of reality.  You are floating through the clouds as
} you hear a voice echo through your mind:  "This program has performed
} an illegal operation and will be terminated."  You start to black
} out and suddenly you remember your situation.  You stare in horror
} at your blue extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will
} not last much longer.  With all the consciousness you can muster,
} you force yourself...
}
} To reboot.
}
} You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar.  A solitary white
} prompt on a black field greets you.  You look behind you and see the
} wreckage of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise.
} "Cannot find a file that may be needed to run Windows".  You turn
} around to face the prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face.
} You take a deep breath and revel in the life-giving atmosphere.
} You laugh as you utter the words,
}
} "DELTREE WINDOWS".
}
} Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home.  You find
} the charred remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor.
} You carefully gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn
} them, promising yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again.
} You bury the ashes, knowing that your life is again in order.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address.


805-07    (gmAhb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I realize this is now the complete list of News Groups available
} to CompuServe subscribers, Newt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mail List, since alt.humor.oracle has been banned
} in Boston - er Berlin.


805-08    (9ywl6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who is wiser than the old man at the top of the mountain
> please ponder this ponderance------
>
> As I travel around my town in this valley-
> I pass companies like Apple, Intel, Norton and tally-
> Here are made the top systems of the world-
> Many techies play, jump, think and twirl-
> Look! There goes another in a BMW so bright-
> How I love to live here in the valley of light-
> Surrounded by mountains, beaches and splender-
> I must sit back and laugh as I ponder-
> Is it Bill Gates who brings Seattle Its rain?-
> Or the techies up there who make Windows a pain?-
> I'll keep my Apple, so sweet and simple-
> And please tell Bill gates to pop that big pimple!-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great. One more clown from the Granola State
} (consisting mostly of fruits, nuts, and flakes)!
} I'm glad that you like it down in California
} 'Cause there's more than rain here, I thought I would warn you...
}
} Bill Gates has nothing to do with the rain,
} Nor anything else that makes Washington gray:
} The rain predates Microsoft, clouds came before Boeing
} Before Starbucks made it big, volcanoes were blowing!
} The floods and the windstorms are only the icing
} On a climate sun-worshipers may not find enticing!
} In a place where most everyone has his own boat
} They can't even keep half their bridges afloat!
} This fearsome land is not for weak spirits
} Tell your family and friends why they should all fear it!
} Unless they like mud, snow, and big falling trees
} Tell them to stay way far away (please)!
}
} You owe the Oracle [incarnated near Seattle] a big convertible, a pair
} of sunglasses, and some suntan lotion. Never mind why.


805-09    (28rGn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who is so excellently versed
> in all the ways of the world, please explain something
> to me.  I understand why fishing boats have sonar, so
> they can find fish.  But why do they also have radar?
> Radar doesn't work underwater.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flying fish.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stealth haddock.


805-10    (bdzqh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor, suffering supplicant. Laryngitis was a product of the old, clunky
} pre-postmodern world before computers. Now, the foremost silencer is
} digit trauma. Is it carpal tunnel syndrome again? Did you break a few
} knuckles messing up your brother-in-law's dental work? Did you try to
} grab a falafel ball out of the deep fat fryer with your bare hands? The
} Oracle, naturally, has some solutions for you.
}
} * Type with your nose. It's slow and inefficient, but if what you have
} to say is really important, it's an option.
}
} * Try making chirping and chittering sounds into your modem. Just last
} week I gave that advice to an infinite number of monkeys, and that
} afternoon they e-mailed me the script for "Hamlet."
}
} * Flip your mouse over and say "Hello, computer" into it. Didn't work
} for Scotty in Star Trek IV, but that was before Windows95.
}
} If those fail, it may be time for a healing. If Oral can do it, Oracle
} can do it better! I want you to raise those poor, limp, damaged
} appendages and place them up against the screen, and FEEL the power of
} my omnipotence! That's right, FEEL the power, as it HEALS you and
} SMITES the devil! Can I get an Amen?
}
} You owe the Oracle seven million dollars, or He will call you home.


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