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Internet Oracularities #806

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Usenet Oracularities #806    (101 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 1996 16:04:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   806
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

806  101 votes 7mEp7 dfsve 5sEm6 ehvof idpol 4crAm 5vqng 4qAih 2mBw8 cvxdc
806   3.1 mean  3.0   3.2   3.0   3.1   3.2   3.6   3.1   3.2   3.2   2.8


806-01    (7mEp7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!!! I'm trapped inside a computer!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most computers have windows you can use as an exit; failing that,
} look for a back door.
}
} You owe the Oracle a login the fireplace.


806-02    (dfsve dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will aol ever lower their rates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're rated pretty lowly already by everyone I know :-)


806-03    (5sEm6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that when I enter an address to the www nothig
> happens? What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are 9 possible reasons for this:
}
} 1) You are entering the wrong address
} 2) You are entering the right address in the wrong place
} 3) You are forgetting to press the "enter" key or "ok" button
} 4) You have no modem
} 5) You have no telephone line
} 6) You have no computer
} 7) You have no Internet service provider
} 8) Your Internet account has expired
} 9) The Internet, the WWW, and me are all just figments of your
}    imagination.


806-04    (ehvof dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On what day did God create Geometry and was this in the Bible as one of
> his cruel jokes to man-kind?   (also, did you advise him to create it?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was the Oracle.  And the Oracle said:
}   "Let there be God!"
}   And there was God.  And the Oracle looked at God and saw that God was
} good, for the Oracle had created God in His image.  And the Oracle
} bestowed upon God the right to all of creation.  And the Oracle was
} happy.
}   God then created the heaven and the earth.  The earth had but a
} spherical form, and darkness covered the waters; and the spirit of God
} hovered over the waters.  And God said:
}   "Let there be light!"
}   And there was light.  God saw that the light was bad, for it burned
} the people's eyes, but he said, "Screw 'em!  They'll get used to it!"
} He separated the light from the darkness.  God called the light Day and
} the darkness He called Night.  And there was evening and there was
} morning, one day.
}   Then God said:
}   "Let there be a firmament between the waters, dividing them!"
}   And God made the firmament, dividing the waters under the firmament
} from the waters above the firmament, and God called the firmament
} Heaven.  And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
}   On the third day, God noticed that his firmament needed physical
} support, so he called upon the Oracle again, to request assistance in
} maintaining Heaven, and the Oracle, wise one that He is, explained
} triangles, squares, and polygons of all sorts.  And God understood, and
} created geometry, by which he measured the Earth, and made supports at
} strategic locations, and named these Mountains.
}   And God said:
}   "Let the earth bring forth grass, plants yielding geometrically
} shaped seed, and trees bearing fruit of every kind, with its seed in
} it!"
}   And it was so.  The earth brought forth grass, plants bearing
} geometrically shaped seed of every kind and trees yielding fruit of
} every kind, fruit with its seed in it.  And God saw that it was good.
} And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
}   Then God said:
}   "Let there be lights in the heavens to separate day from night!  Let
} them mark out the seasons, the days, and the years, in swift geometric
} procession!"
}   And it was so.  God made the two great lights, the sun and the moon,
} the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the
} night; and the stars.  God set them in the heavens, geometrically
} proportioned, to rule the day and the night, and to separate the light
} from the darkness by a line composed of an infinite number of points.
} And God saw that it was good, and becoming more geometric.  And there
} was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
}   Then God said:
}   "Let the waters swarm with living creatures, and let birds fly above
} the earth under the heavens!"
}   God created the great sea-beasts, and every kind of living creature
} with which the waters swarm, and also every kind of winged bird.  God
} saw that it ws good, and God blessed them, saying:
}   "Be fruitful and multiply geometrically, and fill the waters of the
} seas; and let the birds multiply on the earth!"
}   And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
}   Then God said:
}   "Let the earth bring forth all kinds of living creatures, cattle,
} reptiles and wild beasts!"
}   And it was so.  God made every kind of wild beast, every kind of
} animal, and every kind of reptile; and God saw that it was good.
}   Then God said:
}   "Let us make man in our image, o great Oracle, after our likeness,
} and let him have mastery over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air,
} the animals, every wild beast of the earth, and every reptile that
} creeps the earth.  He may have mastery over all of these things, but
} will never master Geometry."
}   And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed
} into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.
} So God created man in His own image.
}   Then God blessed man, and said:
}   "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and
} have mastery over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and every
} living creature that creeps on the earth!  And do not forget that the
} square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the
} other two sides!"
}   Then the Oracle looked at man, and, being offended that man actually
} looked very little like the Oracle Himself, for the only mirrors
} available to God were the waters, which were filled with creatures from
} the sea, thus impairing His vision, the Oracle *ZOT*ted God until it
} became time for the next great flood.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a shrine wherein ritual sacrifices will be
} performed.


806-05    (idpol dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how long does it take to obtain a response from the oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} this long


806-06    (4crAm dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj.CS.McGill.CA (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        I am perplexed by this situation am am in.  Help me oh oracle
>     for whom exaggerations are understatements!  There is this girl
>     I really like, and she likes me as a friend too, but that isn't
>     the problem...The problem is that she is my best friends sister.
>     She doesen't know how much I like her yet  because I am afraid
>     that If I do ask her, I will lose my freindship with her brother.
>     What should I do?    Please tell me o wise oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this age old siblings&friend triangle problem differs
} according to the querent's socio-economic status, lifestyle, hobbies,
} and other interests.  I advise you to pick the groups you belong to
} from the following list, and apply the related answer to your
} situation:
}
} Subject likes                Answer
} -------------                -----------------
}
} Hitch-hiking                 Don't panic.
}
} Football                     Punt.
}
} Internet                     Seek advice from people you don't know.
}
} Hunting                      Stalk her.
}
} Rock Climbing                Go rock climbing.
}
} TV                           Enlightenment lies in The Simpsons.
}
} Reading                      Check out Wuthering Heights.
}
} Dancing                      Sweep her off her feet.
}
} Origami                      Become withdrawn.
}
} Zymurgy                      Invite them both over for a "taste test".
}
} Writing poetry               I suggest a sestina or villanelle.
}
} Business                     Who is richer?  Buy low, sell high.
}
} Cooking                      Turn to low heat and let simmer.
}
} Acting                       Cry to both of them for simpathy.
}
} Astronomy                    Think of how tiny you are.
}
} War                          Be all you can be.
}
} Game Theory                  Move first.
}
} Occult                       My sources say No.
}
} Skydiving                    You might as well jump.
}
} Mime
}
} Music                        Try Blues.
}
} Drawing                      Act weird.  Stare a lot.
}
} Painting                     Cut off your ear.
}
} Weightlifting                No pain, no gain.
}
} Motorcycles                  A motorcyclist wouldn't ask.
}
} Monty Python                 Run away!  Run away!
}
} Cross dressing               Go ahead.  Ask him out.
}
} Running                      Hill training might help.
}
} Comics                       Which one looks most like Hopey?
}
} Medicine                     Prozac.
}
} Star Wars                    For all we know, she's *your* sister!


806-07    (5vqng dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, I unworthy to breathe the same air
> as you am.  Please pity on this humble supplicant take.
>
> I recently from a Hewlett-Packard calculator to one made by TI
> switched. I to figure out how to use it am unable.  Do you suggestions
> have any?
>
> I eagerly your reply await.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You from HP to TI switched?
}
} Now, backward THAT'S!
}
} You the Oracle a stack of Polish jokes that  funny when backwards told
} are owe.


806-08    (4qAih dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O One-of-a-kind, omniscient, outrageously on-the-ball Oracle!
> Please tell me the answers to the following three questions:
>
>    1) How, exactly, does one make love to his tonic and gin?
>
>    2) If we didn't start the fire, who did?
>
>    3) Is there life outside of Billy Joel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. It starts off with someone nursing his tonic and gin, and then the
} action moves down a little lower, if you get my drift.
}
} 2. Since the fire has been burning since the world's been turning, it
} obviously was started by the friction caused by the world beginning to
} turn.
}
} 3. I'd imagine he has the usual complement of various bacteria,
} viruses, and dust mites living on his skin.
}
} You owe the Oracle his ex-wife's phone number.


806-09    (2mBw8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle, why are you monolingual?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's purely a matter of aesthetics.  Face it, I'd look pretty
} silly if I had two tongues, wouldn't I?
}
} On the other hand, think of all the advantages:
}
} * Say tongue twisters without any difficulty
} * Much easier to tie knots in cherry stalks
} * Directional sense of taste, like a snake's
} * French kissing is extra kinky
} * Lick two lollipops at once
}
} This is starting to look as if it has possibilities.  You owe
} the Oracle an extra tongue, and a method of transplanting it.


806-10    (cvxdc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I LOVE HER!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry, but you have to take the petals off all the daisies in
} the whole field before you can make that pronouncement.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5,147,993 daisy petals.


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